LAUGHTER - The Best Medicine, Share a good joke here.... Options

[claytonic]

[claytonic]

Someone sent me this Snow Angel. However, since it is summer at my end of the world and it doesn't snow even in winter, I have decided to pass him along to anyone who needs him in North America.




ETA:
Oh look what photobucket didn't like...
http://claytonic2007.googlepages.com/snowfairy

[claytonic]

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at £10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He then announced that he would now buy at £20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50. However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for £50 each."

The villagers hurried round with their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only bloody monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

[annabear]

I can see why Photobucket didn't like that image, claytonic!

Some of these are laugh out loud funny...

[annabear]

[annabear]

And the last remaining few...

[claytonic]

Love them, annabear, especially the one about the cat called "Help". What are some people thinking when they name their pets (or children)!!!

[claytonic]

How fights start


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************


I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************************


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************************


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

[claytonic]

Good Samaritan - The Lawyer

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

'You'll really love my place.

'The grass is almost a foot high'

[claytonic]

No Speak English



A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto .

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...


(Please scroll down.)

















What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!


Now get back to your work.

I don't know about you sometimes..

[claytonic]

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=JlevdGvGcJM

The Lip Balm kissing test....

[claytonic]

A man owned a small farm in Scotland. The Inland Revenue claimed he
was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out
to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded
the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.'

'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week
plus free room and board.'

'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week,
pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every
Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

[claytonic]

CHECKING ON A PATIENT

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital.

She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me
how a patient is doing?'

The operator said I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay. Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her
nurse.'

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful ! I was worried ! God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter? (Are you ready for this one ?)

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.'

British generosity
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Pakistan.

Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding
infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement
Pakistanis.

God Bless British generosity.

[claytonic]

Weird and hilarious but I can believe this really happened, despite the date, because it was on the net BEFORE April 1! !

Paid to do it, but fails to make his friend’s wife pregnant after 72 Attempts

Apr.01, 2009

Paid to make her a baby, but in the end.

A nice story, with surprising end:

In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honorable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbor to get his wife pregnant.

It seems that Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, wanted a child badly, but Demetrius was told by a doctor that he was sterile.

So, Soupolos, after calming his wife’s protests, hired his neighbor, Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate her. Since Maus was already married and the father of two children, plus looked very much like Soupolos to boot, the plan seemed good.

Soupolos paid Maus $2,500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnate Traute.

When his own wife objected, he explained, "I don’t like this any more than you. I’m simply doing it for the money. Try and understand."

When Traute failed to get pregnant after six months, however, Soupolos was not understanding and insisted that Maus have a medical examination, which he did.

The doctor’s announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children.

Now Soupolos is suing Maus for breach of contract in an effort to get his money back, but Maus refuses to give it up because he said he did not guarantee conception, but only that he would give an honest effort.

http://classicfun.ws/paid-to-do-it-but-fai...mpts/2009/04/01

[ausdon]

UNSW STUDY (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

UNSW's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where
she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she
tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a
spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

[djs111]

playbiller told me about this joke - I have not laughed so hard in quite a while:

There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't.