Caregiver Issues

[Couch Tomato]

{{{jmh123}}} Right back atcha. It is good to have a place to share and vent.

Yes it is. It really does help..it helps to hear all sides. For instance, my mom lives with me so I'm there with the day to day of what she's going through. My sister lives lives only 10 minutes away so she is there to help when things get overwhelming or when I need help. My brother is in So Cal. They both have families so their priorities are there. I understand that most things fall on me but every now and then I want to scream I NEED HELP. A lot of times it just having them know what's going on. When she's really sick and the caregiving becomes overwhelming I need real help. Usually by that time it means mom needs a change of scenery anyway so she'll go over to my sisters for the night.

But as silly as it sounds the hardest thing is not even dealing with her illnesses. SHE WON'T DRIVE. I want her to drive. She just quit cold turkey in 2001. That's when she had a bad case of shingles. It really sidelined her for like 6 months and since then she has driven only a few times. So I have to take her EVERYWHERE -- to every doctor's appointment, to her hair appointment, to the mall (I HATE THE MALL heee), and to the store to pick up any little thing she needs. If she would only drive that would help me so much. So she schedules everything around my lunch hour...which is what I'm used to..but still.

On the good front? I love Meals on Wheels LOL But forgot to call them yesterday when I took my mom to the ER unexpectantly.

Julia.... your situation sounds stressful. When the family are not on the same wavelength it can be difficult I imagine. My brother and sister usually just listen to me and do what I say heee. But that house needs to be worked on. One block from campus? It could be a goldmine for your family. Hopefully they will see that and not let the house crumble around them.

Lucky, Vent away and thanks for sharing.

[playbiller]

If your mother is on Zoloft, she is diagnosed as depressed - if she does not have friends and interests she will let her life fall apart. Instead of recommending getting a life, they recommend drugs as the answer.

Sometimes I see it in myself, most of the people I know want me to drive to visit them, so I don't have many drop in visitors and my house goes to pot a lot. Why fix it up if no one is going to visit, there is always tomorrow. Without a job or goals, it is easly to let things slide and to let your mind go.

Could your mother needs a social life to "wake her up" and keep her mind going? If she is really not capable of getting around, there are groups of adult day care, but you have to be careful, there are some that are for the seriously handicapped and treat them like children. I was thinking more like senior groups that go on trips shopping or otherwise. In our town, there are group outings to the malls or to just go to the food store or to various excercise groups or art groups.

As I said before, many churches would send someone to pick up your mother to take her to church or whatever. That in itself can be a little stimulating.

The woman who usedto spend a few hours with my momo had her sign up for a bowling league - my mother could not wait to start, unfortunately she died just before the start of the bowling league. A few years before Mom took computer classes at a senior group, she was the oldest person in the class nearing 80. She love that game - "you don't know Jack", could play it for hours.

People need people, that is what keeps them young.

[jmh123]

Couchie, you need help!! I guess you've asked your mother why she won't drive anymore. I don't suppose there's a social service available that will take someone out on errands? Seems like it would be such a huge relief to get her driving again, or find someone to drive her around.

Ah, play, everything you say is true, but my mother is 94! Feeble, and feeble-minded. The days of bowling leagues and mall trips are past. She has allowed herself to become more and more isolated. She used to have regular visitors from the church, but she can't remember anymore who comes or when anymore. I'm afraid that people don't come as often because they're grossed out by the smells, or don't know how to deal with her repeating herself or forgetting what they just talked about, but I know people do come still, and people do (or did) invite her to things, but she often backed out (like they show up and she won't go), so she isn't getting asked much anymore. She used to go help out the church secretary a lot, but now that she can't walk over, she doesn't do that anymore. I think part of the problem is she's afraid she'll have an accident of the bathroom variety. She has Depends, but she refuses to use them. And has accidents, which is part of the issue in the house.

So I'm her social life, along with my sister, and a few visitors. I try to get her out as much as I can. Going out to eat is good because it entices her to eat, as well the benefits of getting out of the house. So we both encourage that. I take her to have her fingernails and toenails cut--she likes that. I've tried to get her to go shopping--she hasn't had new clothes in 20 years, but she won't go. I took her right to the store, but she wouldn't go in. She has a laptop and is on the computer a lot, but lately I don't think she understands stuff real well. E-mails we send her don't seem to register. She used to be on genealogy forums, long before I was ever on the boards, and correspond with all kinds of people.

Scrabble is the #1 self-improvement activity in her life--I play with her whenever I go. My sister says it's the best thing I do for my mom. I make her spell words correctly and only rarely allow her to cheat. I make her add her own score, unless she really can't do it on a particular day. I can tell that it really does make a difference in her mental state.

It comes back to couchie's thing about parenting your parents. I don't know how to make her do stuff, and she's stubborn about being told what to do. I'm sure, couchie, that you'd love to just make your mother drive again, but it ain't that easy.

Play, I think your previous idea about a companion for a few hours a day is the way to go. I'm trying to talk my sister into it now. Then we'd have to talk my mother into it, but I think I can do that. I remember when my aunt got senile and stopped eating and washing her clothes, my parents arranged a companion for her. My aunt threatened her with a knife--that was the end of that. She then got thrown out of a couple of nursing homes for attacking other patients, but they eventually found a place that was really good with her. Compared to that, my mom is easy.

[playbiller]

I didn't realize your mom was that old. You are correct about scrabble., After my mom had her stroke, and had trouble remembering words - her thoughts were clear but odd words came out, we playued bingo and she relearned her numbers. I would go over and the bingo board would be out. I bet you can see the joy in your mother's face when she gets a good word. It is like reclaiming some part of knowledge and carries some inexplicable honor.

My sister hired a nurse from a church to take care of her paraplegiac mother-in-law when she was living with her and her husband. The woman sang through the house and spread sunshine. When she retired, it was a very sad day. I think happiness is just as important as expert references.

I lucked out when a co-worker handed me a small personal ad in the back of a local paper and my sister found her helper through a personal refereance of someone in the same church as this woman.

My mother was 84 when she joined the bowling league, so she was not a young woman, younger than your mother and not feeble, even though she had balance and vision problems caused by the stroke. I don't know if she would have been able to do it, but it was good that she was socializing. Mother's friends died off, her social world shrunk to her children andthe neighbors and her few remaining sisters in the last few years. Now I am going to feel guilty, one of my aunts keeps calling me, I think to take the place of talking to my mother. Her world has shrunk to her children and I think she really wants more uman contact, with her children, I don't blame her.

[YSRN]

My aunt threatened her with a knife--that was the end of that.

Bwah! I think that's what I'd probably do! I can't imagine who is going to do all this for me, cuz I don't have kids, but I hope to Buddha that I have my mind and a choice to make my own decisions. I'm way too much of a control freak and it would be the end of me.

*hugs* to everyone! It's some hard stuff. Taxing on the emotions and time, and there are all sorts of complex issues swirling about.

I'd love to vent, but I'm afraid my mom would read it; Clay board lurker that she is. So, I'll just say that she's in NC with my brother. I don't agree with their "relationship" or "situation", but she's made it clear that it's her call, she's aware of the "issues" and she still chooses it. So, whaddya gonna do?

I wrote a whole post and deleted it though, so that was fairly therepeutic. Thanks.

[Couch Tomato]

:F_05BL17blowkiss: YSRN....

OK well I'm going to try something and I hope it works. In my little town they have this van that will pick up and take you anywhere you want to go in the city limits and then pick you up and bring you home. This will help my mom with shopping and going to the senior center...going out to lunch etc. My mom just has a lot of health issues but she is only 68 and in no way mentally impaired. Hell when she turned 60 we threw her a sizzling at 60 party. She loves to travel and do things. Her problem is that her silly boyfriend picked up and moved cross country to fight it out with his brothers over his daddy's estate. It's going on 3 years now. They used to do stuff together every day, even if it was just driving aound the city. But they ate out alot, took overnight trips etc. I think now she is more isolated and being sick makes things worse. I'm encouraging her to do things with her friends who are all starting to retire. And she has been doing more of that lately. She has a guy friend that she worked with for a long time and they've gone to lunch about 3 times in the last few weeks. So I'm happy about that. And I really think she will love the senior center.

To qualify to use the van you have to be approved by east bay paratransit. And here's where the problem arises. My mom is not disabled but I'm hopeful she'll qualify for health and age reasons. I'm just going to submit the application and hope for the best. If she is approved she'll be able to use the van service.

[luckiest1]

{{{couchie}}} Good luck with the application. It sounds like it would really help you out if she was accepted.

jmh123, the more you write about your mom, the more she reminds me of my grandmother (who passed away a year ago this month). She was 92 when she died. The one thing she was able to do right up until the end was play euchre or '65'. Playing cards was one of the best things for her, I think, because it was something she enjoyed, and it made her use her mind. She quite often won....only problem was with '65', something is always 'wild', and it changes each hand. So she'd have to ask every time it was her turn what was wild. But once you got used to that, it was a breeze! Hee, same with euchre, come to think of it, she'd ask what was trump.

I really miss her. Now my mom is turning into her. Such is life.

I'd love to vent, but I'm afraid my mom would read it; Clay board lurker that she is. So, I'll just say that she's in NC with my brother. I don't agree with their "relationship" or "situation", but she's made it clear that it's her call, she's aware of the "issues" and she still chooses it. So, whaddya gonna do?

I wrote a whole post and deleted it though, so that was fairly therepeutic. Thanks.

Sorry that you weren't comfortable leaving what you wrote, but I understand what you mean by it being therapeutic. Luckily I don't have to worry about anyone in my family reading anything I write...they are all pretty computer illiterate!

ETA: I found out last night that they found and removed 5 more polyps during my Mom's colonoscopy yesterday. We won't know for 2 weeks whether or not they were cancerous. I'd appreciate any and all good thoughts that you could send her way.......praying she doesn't end up needing more surgery.

ETAA: It's all good - test results came back clear. Woo hoo!

Edited July 3, 2007 by luckiest1

[sheiladownunder]

ETAA: It's all good - test results came back clear. Woo hoo!

{{{Lickiest}}}- thank God for some good news for you, sounds like you could use some. Reading what you have gone through helps me to look at the problems with my mom in a new light. They're not so bad after all.

Edited July 17, 2007 by sheiladownunder

[Couch Tomato]

OK when it was all said and done, after numerous tests and two days in the hospital - the diagnosis for my mom is:

We don't know what happened to you but it's not life threatening.

Can't wait for the bill of oh around 75,000. Fortunately it will be stamped PAID when we get it heh.

[jmh123]

So glad your mom is OK couchie, and that you don't have to pay that bill!!! Eeep!

[Couch Tomato]

Wanted to come here and give a shout out to mama JMH.

And can you believe after all the drama of Vegas, we get home and mom is fine. Not only that..she's going to Reno next weekend with her new "friend.". It's me I tell you. She's allergic to me!

[Guest Toots]

Wanted to come here and give a shout out to mama JMH.

And can you believe after all the drama of Vegas, we get home and mom is fine. Not only that..she's going to Reno next weekend with her new "friend.". It's me I tell you. She's allergic to me!

Bravo for Couchiemom and Couchie.

Edited September 3, 2007 by Toots

[wandacleo]

It looks like no one is posting here at present, but just in case there is someone out there who is taking care of a parent, I thought I'd drop a line. My Mom came to live with me when my Dad died. She was 81 then, 17 years ago. Now, at 98, she's had Alzheimer's for 8 years (well, probably more) and needs constant care. I took an early retirement 4 years ago to take care of her full time because she couldn't ever be left alone. Now, she's pretty much like a 1-2 year old. She can still walk a bit with help (thank God), and she will often feed herself, but that's about it. Anyone else in the same boat?? Similar boat??

[Couch Tomato]

Wandacleo, I applaud you really. I haven't had to deal with anything even close to that. Dealing with someone that is just physically ill is tough enough. I don't know if I have what it takes to do what you did.

Speaking of which... mom is all glowy today after spending the night at her new "friends"

Nope, didn't ask. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww. heee.

[jmh123]

It looks like no one is posting here at present, but just in case there is someone out there who is taking care of a parent, I thought I'd drop a line. My Mom came to live with me when my Dad died. She was 81 then, 17 years ago. Now, at 98, she's had Alzheimer's for 8 years (well, probably more) and needs constant care. I took an early retirement 4 years ago to take care of her full time because she couldn't ever be left alone. Now, she's pretty much like a 1-2 year old. She can still walk a bit with help (thank God), and she will often feed herself, but that's about it. Anyone else in the same boat?? Similar boat??

Similar boat--not nearly as demanding yet, but....if you read back in this thread you'll see my long frustrated post one day when I was really at my wits end. My mom is 94, on her way to being senile. Some days she's like a three year old, other days, just a ditzy forgetful adult. I moved back here to help take care of her, and am in complete limbo as to where this will take us next. She won't move out of her house, and I won't move in with her because the place is a pit--I just couldn't bear to live there. She's let the place deteriorate terribly as she's basically just been waiting to die for years. She still lives alone, and my sister, her husband and I each go at least one day a week. It's about 45 minutes away for me--not too bad. She can still feed herself and dress herself and do the basics. So far, it's OK to leave her alone for a day or two. She's just really hard to deal with, more and more childlike, and very stubborn. When I first got back here, my biggest worry was that she wasn't eating right at all--just ice cream and mixed nuts--so I got some routines going and made some changes and things are pretty good there. Now the big problem is personal hygiene. She won't bathe nearly often enough, and is extremely resistant to being told to bathe. She wears the same gown for weeks. She has "accidents" and hides them, and won't wear adult diapers. She leaves disgusting bits of kleenex and toilet paper everywhere for me to pick up. The house reeks really badly. She won't rinse her dishes after she uses them and and stuff grows in them and adds to the smell. She has accidents and doesn't clean up or tell anyone about them. She multilates herself--scratching at little growths on her skin til they bleed or come off--and now she's taken up pulling her toenails off (just one so far but my sister says she's working on another one now). She called today to talk about how happy she was that my brother-in-law did yard work all day and "would've worked inside too but I wouldn't let him." I hung up the phone and just cried. He was supposed to change the bed and wash clothes, and now I'll have to do that, and clean up the floor and do the reeking dishes and try to get her to take a bath and do errands and whatever else needs doing. No matter how much I do I always feel as if I need to be doing more--it's a huge house--and no one but me seems to care about the condition it's in, and I just barely can keep up with maintaining the status quo. I go home completely exhausted after a day there, yet I constantly feel as if I'm not doing enough, and feel so guilty about the conditions she's living in, but she and the others don't much care. I can't make any big decisions on my own--everyone has to agree. I keep trying to organize a big cleaning party, but can't get anyone else to do it. My mom calls a cleaning service every six months or so, but they just do a superficial cleaning. I think we need to hire a nurse or someone to come in and clean every week, or both, but my mother is very resistant. I need to get a job, but it has to be a job that allows me the flexibility to do my part taking care of her and be able to do more when the time comes, and that kind of job is hard to find. It's all just more than I can take sometimes, emotionally. And yet it's probably a cakewalk compared to your situation!!! So please, tell us more so I'll see how good I have it!! I think of people like you, or ansa taking care of her daughters, or all the other people out there doing caretaking, and I really don't have it bad--it's just the emotional adjustment and trying to figure out how to parent my parent when I never even had a child.

ETA: Lilyshine has been down this road too--maybe she'll hit "view new posts" and discover this thread. She eventually found a home for her mother when things were more than she could handle, but she had to work. My lot probably sounds like no big deal--it looks silly when I read it, but I've always had little apartments and worked, and have never been a domestic creature. I got "washer woman's thumb" after a few months here, and so all the cleaning is physically painful as well. And all the time I'm doing it, my mother's saying I'm so "fastidious." This is a woman whose kitchen floor you could eat off when I was a kid--I don't understand why she stopped caring!!

ETAA: And now I look up ^^^ and see I've said all this before. So I feel even stupider. And my sister agreed about a companion and said she'd take care of it, and, well....nothing has happened. GRRRR.

So couchie, what is your mom up to? Overnight with a friend? Woah!! Couchie is not the whiner I am. Her mom lives with her and has had lots of health problems and couchie has been through a lot.

Edited September 13, 2007 by jmh123

[luckiest1]

wandacleo and sheiladownunder, welcome! I hope you post more often.

{{{jmh123}}} Someone needs to kick your sister and her husband in the butt and get them to see the light. I think it would do a world of good if your mom could have some professional help on a daily basis, so that you don't have to worry yourself silly (and work your ass off) trying just to keep up. Plus, you have your own life to live! Doesn't sound like sis & hubby are sacrificing too much. Why won't they at least help you make some important decisions? How can they not see it? Is it a financial thing?

Sorry, none of my business, I know, just trying to help.

[jmh123]

wandacleo and sheiladownunder, welcome! I hope you post more often.

{{{jmh123}}} Someone needs to kick your sister and her husband in the butt and get them to see the light. I think it would do a world of good if your mom could have some professional help on a daily basis, so that you don't have to worry yourself silly (and work your ass off) trying just to keep up. Plus, you have your own life to live! Doesn't sound like sis & hubby are sacrificing too much. Why won't they at least help you make some important decisions? How can they not see it? Is it a financial thing?

Sorry, none of my business, I know, just trying to help.

Hey, luckiest! No need to apologize. It was so embarrassing to go back after I've written all that and see that I keep saying the same thing over and over and nothing is changing. I'm just going to have to find a way to do something. It isn't just my sister and her husband, it's my mother too. She's the most stubborn about all these issues, and although she's getting senile, she's still "the boss." And no, it isn't a financial thing (although I suppose if I had money, I could just pay for it, but my mom can afford this help), it's them making that adjustment to accepting that my mother isn't acting responsibly and needs more help than she's getting. When I was rereading I read your earlier post about your grandmother's children just not being able to accept the changing situation, and I think that's going on here as well. My sister was the only one taking care of my mother for a couple of years after she gave up her driver's license, and my mom didn't stop doing her own laundry and dishes until I arrived a year ago. All of them are telling me that the condition of the house isn't a problem--but it is a problem! My mother is the "thriftiest" person on the planet. She has clothes that are literally threadbare, but insists she doesn't need anything new. She does care about her yard and how it looks, but she doesn't care about the inside of the house at all. Or she says she doesn't, but she's obviously not acting responsibly. I have a number of an agency that I got a lot of info from on the 'net--it's a local gov't agency and they just advise people--and I just need to go ahead and call them and then I just need to put my foot down.

Edited September 13, 2007 by jmh123

[luckiest1]

It isn't just my sister and her husband, it's my mother too. She's the most stubborn about all these issues, and although she's getting senile, she's still "the boss." And no, it isn't a financial thing (although I suppose if I had money, I could just pay for it, but my mom can afford this help), it's just them making that adjustment to accepting that my mother isn't acting responsibly and needs more help than she's getting.

And therein lies part of the problem, I think. If your mother isn't acting responsibly, perhaps she shouldn't be considered "the boss" at this point. I know that's a hard thing to accept...been there done that with my grandmother. But eventually my cousins and I managed to convince our parents (who were in their 60s at the time and ultimately responsible for making the decisions) that we needed to make some hard decisions about her care. I will send good thoughts your way, that you will have some success convincing your sister.

[jmh123]

Exactly, luckiest, exactly. I was editing while you were typing. It's so true.

ETA: Just an update. I called the "caregiver specialist" for mom's county, who referred me to mental health "crisis & assessment" for the county, who referred me to a geriatric specialist, who wasn't there, so I left a message--but her hours are over now for today and I go to Mom's tomorrow. It's a start. I also got some terminology from the caregiver specialist, which is always helpful. We need "personal care services" and a CNA (certified nursing assistant) who is trained for this kind of thing. I have a list of home care assistants that I printed out a month ago, so I circled the few on the list who were certified, and found one man who has a website, so I checked it out. She might actually accept a man better than a woman. She had a physical therapist once after minor surgery who was male and she really liked him. I called but his line was busy. I'll talk to my mother tomorrow and see how she reacts to the idea this time. Apparently some services are covered by Medicare, which might make her happy. I also have a list of agencies that will send nurses to the home, and some of them accept Medicare.

Edited September 13, 2007 by jmh123

[luckiest1]

Hee, so you were.

[wandacleo]

Jmh Honestly, I think your situation is worse than mine--and it sounds very much like your mother has some dementia. Mom would "come and go" when it first started--sometimes making perfect sense and then doing just crazy things. One of the cardinal signs is a change in hygiene--refusing to bathe or wear clean clothes. Have you discussed these things with her doctor and gotten a diagnosis? I can tell you after YEARS of taking care of Mom, I bathe her 2-3 times a week and change her clothes everyday and she yells and screams EVERY SINGLE TIME, but the blessing of a short memory is that she forgets. (God knows what the neighbors think I'm doing to her.) Fortunately, I have a little more control because she lives in my home. It took me about 4 months to get her to keep the diapers on, but I threw out all of her panties and it was either Depends or bare-assed. Sometimes, you just have to do what is right because when people have dementia, they really can't make rational judgements. It sounds as though your mother shouldn't be alone, and that's a very difficult situation. Most facilities here won't take patients with Alzheimer's, and the ones that do run about $7000 a month. Mom has no money, and that's more than I can afford.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm in prison. I'm sure you and others in this situation can relate. I hope you have a good support system. I have WONDERFUL friends who come by to see me because they know I'm stuck at home. I also found a daycare program for Alzheimer's so I can take Mom there for a few hours a day 3 days a week. I tell Mom she's going to school, and she's very happy there.

Families can be a big pain. For the first couple of years, one of my sisters used to say things like, "I guess it's easier to let Mom go crazy than to spend the time helping her with her memory," and "She should have a bath everyday." RIGHT. Then, both of my sisters came to take care of Mom while I was away for 9 days, and that was the last time they ever said a word. The first thing they said when I returned was, "She hasn't had a bath for 9 days. We couldn't do it." Of course, after that, they said they couldn't take care of her anymore. It was too hard for them. Jesus.

[playbiller]

Sorry about your troubles. When my Mom had a stroke, I went to live with her until she could not stand me and threw me out. I had to find live in help for her and that did not work either. I had to fire the woman because myMom couldn't stand her. Then I found a part time nurse/caretaker who would come 2 hours during the day and take my Mom for drives. She also could communicate with her. So I could go home on week days and come back on weekends. My mother was lucky, she lost peripheral vision and almost all of her English - but somehow retained her Polish and the woman who came during the day spoke Polish, Me, nope, not a bit, Mom didn't want us to learn so didn't teach us any and I couldn't understand her. The woman was a Godsend in several ways.

It was really hard getting my Mother to sell her car, she really wanted to drive again, but she would never recover fully, so having the woman come for 2 hours at lunch meant that she didn't have to drive, this woman would take her to appointments and I always took her to the doctor. Then she sold the car - to... the woman's nephew.

Your challenge is so much more difficult because of the struggle. I am sorry your sisters are such dainty flowers.

Do you think you can get your sisters to stay with your Mother for a few hours a week (sort of ease them into the reality)? They really should be helping you more.

[jmh123]

Doesn't sound easy at all to me wandacleo. Not at all.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm in prison.

See, that's how my situation is easier. I have to wrestle with decisions and learning how to deal and adjust and how to get my mom to do things she doesn't want to do without taking away her dignity, but at least I can go home and am away from it all far more than I'm there. My mom still has some faculties, and there are three of us sharing responsibilities. They may be recalcitrant about some things, but at least they're in there doing some of the things that need doing. She can still be alone part of the time, but gradually she'll need more and more caretaking. We'll just have to take things as they come. There's no room for my mom in my apartment and besides, anywhere she moved she'd probably lose all memory pretty fast, and I'd hate for that to happen. We're fortunate that she can afford assistance, and with some help, gradually increasing with the need, I hope we can keep her in her home as long as possible. But I have to get a job, can't afford not to work, and the rest already work. And the one self-sacrifice I just won't make is to move into that house, because I'd be taking on the house as well as her care, and the house just needs too much. There is room for a live-in, three rooms and a full bath upstairs, maybe a student with limited finances who could just keep an eye on her and do a little housekeeping.

It's helpful to know that this hygiene issue is typical, because it sure is a pain. It's good you have a sense of humor about the yelling over bathing and changing clothes. Unless my mother becomes more malleable, I couldn't do that at this point, because I'm not big enough to force her to do anything, but if she becomes more obedient as she loses mental capacity it's possible. My sister's always been in charge of doctor's visits and medication and I'm not even on the list of people who can ask questions at this point, but it's obvious she's got some form of dementia and it's getting worse. I'm going to make some more calls tomorrow and hopefully be able to find someone to come in starting with couple of hours a day several days a week pretty soon, and make that decision unilaterally if I have to. I had a thought last week my mom might accept a man as a nurses aide and I talked to her about it and that did resonate with her, she was the most open to the idea of an aide she's ever been. Odd, but it's just her age and the way she thinks. I found a male CNA, an older man who seems interesting and creative about treatment, and he sounds like a real advocate for the patients he has taken care of, so I'm going to call him and see if he's free, if she likes him, if the family approves of him, and so forth. Like play says, finding just the right person is so important.

Mom & I had a good talk about diapers Friday, and the bath was voluntary, which was why it was a good day. I bought the wrong kind of diapers so I've got to go get the pull-ons. You have to be an engineer to get the belted kind on--who knew that there were different types anyway? and that some of them were so hard to use for Pete's sake.

[luckiest1]

wandacleo, thanks for sharing your story. to you for what you do. It sounds like you really have a handle on it, and a no nonsense attitude that works.

She can still be alone part of the time, but gradually she'll need more and more caretaking. We'll just have to take things as they come. There's no room for my mom in my apartment and besides, anywhere she moved she'd probably lose all memory pretty fast, and I'd hate for that to happen. We're fortunate that she can afford assistance, and with some help, gradually increasing with the need, I hope we can keep her in her home as long as possible.

You make a very good and valid point. When we finally moved my grandmother out into a senior's residence, it seemed to be the final snap to her memory. I guess staying in the same house for over 50 years was what allowed her to keep some of it together. Once in strange surroundings, her memory got much, much worse. She used to get in the elevator, go down to the front desk, and ask which room her daughter Doris (my mom's sister) lived in, because she wanted to visit her. Of course, her daughter didn't live there at all. She would confuse day and night and phone my mom at 3 or 4 am. We had to move her from that residence into a a full retirement residence with 24 hour care, where she had a private room and was able to bring some of her own furniture, but by that point she couldn't remember how to work the TV. So if I have any advice, it's to only make one move if and when you move her. I wish we hadn't had to move her twice.

It sounds like you are making some progress. Good for you. :F_05BL17blowkiss:

Edited September 17, 2007 by luckiest1

[wandacleo]

Luckiest It is really hard to move people out of their normal environment. Often, they can function pretty well in familiar surroundings but become completely confused in other places. Unfortunately, with dementia, often people have to move because facilities can't always accomodate the needs of the person, especially if they begin to wander and it's not a locked facility. Thank God Mom isn't strong enough to wander away anymore because that was a nightmarish time!!!

If a parent is confused at all and living alone, it's a really good idea to register them with the Wanderer's program--I think it's everywhere (the local police should know). I got the forms from the Alzheimer's Association. I fill out information and send a picture and it's distributed to the local police departments so that if they find someone wandering they can check the files--or you can report the person missing and they have the info they need.

JMH I had a good laugh over the idea of people becoming "more malleable" with increasing dementia. While that may happen with some people, the opposite seems to be a more likely scenario. I've learned to remove the cane and all potential weapons when I'm going to bathe Mom or do any of the things she resists. She beat the crap out of me with her cane one day and damned near choked me another (and she's 98!!!!) It's great that you are getting a care giver. I hired a wonderful woman who comes once a week and extra when I need her--and will even stay for a few days. She's a godsend.

I have learned a few tricks. I cut Mom's hair really short so that I can wash it with a washcloth since she wouldn't put her head under water. She still screams (LOL), but the hair gets clean. I also bought some of those disposable bath thingies (how's that for a technical term) that they use in the hospital. I just stick them in the microwave. I can wipe Mom down really fast and don't have to rinse off soap. If she's really enraged I just step back and let her wave her arms around and air dry. There's no way I can get her into a shower.

Unfortunately, my family live in another state. For a few years, my sisters would come and stay while I went away (when things were better), and they DID come to help last year because I was sick a lot, but I had to hire others to do the care. They won't come and stay if I'm gone anymore. I think they're really afraid and don't know what to do.