muskifest

This is the first real toughie for me. Of course, I'm in lust/love with the first pic. The open necked shirt that revealed chest hair for those with zoom abilities! The LOOK in his eyes is maybe the bestest ever. Love it. But I remember my reaction to the Chamberlain picture. The knowledge that his relationship with Quiana was indeed a special one, a permanent family one---becoming someone's godfather IS special. Hated his hair but for once I looked past that, heh. The hand and the way he was holding the tiny baby so dearly. Those fingers. Just the whole conceptual effect. Yep, muski's gonna go against her expected 'character' and vote for # 2

That whole freakin' Tyra day is one of my favorite Clay Aiken memories! I wasn't in the audience like some lucky beyotches were, but I never get tired of watching all the Clack from that yummy appearance. #1 will do me just fine.

I love that UNICEF pic, too, but I'll buck the trend and vote for #2. Lips, eyes, eyelashes, hand reaching out to play with my hair while I...tie his shoelaces...and the Clipple, too! A veritable smorgasbord of things to slurp..... Now if the choice had been between THIS UNICEF pic and the one where he's in the village holding one child while others are running all around him and EVERYbody is wearing a huge smile? Now THAT would've been hard to choose from!

I voted for the hot, confident, mature and mesmerizing MAN this time. That smiling, sweet, cute boy is a fave, too....but Clay's almost 31 and is living a full, intriguing life....I LOVE that long, tall, stylish man!

Lovin' both of these. Of course, I'm a mouth woman...those lips! However, I have many beautiful Clay mouth/lips/tongue pics that I like better than the one here and I have NO other levitating Clay pics. LOVE this one! The passion and power and energy he puts in this song (DSIA)...it's my favorite song of his in the Christmas group.... And I also love his hand grabbing his long, beauteous coat here.... #1, baybee!

Slurp, drool, lick and Let me at those lips in Number 1, I tellya!

Didn't even have to scroll for this one. That pic is one of my all time faves. Every.Thing.About.It. is absolutely GAHHHHHHHH-worthy. Love how the button fly of his jeans is being pulled apart---by his hands in his pockets, of course...heh. Everything. The look in his eyes. The hair. The open-throat collar. The outfit. The necklace. The thumb ring. Gah. It's amazingly beautiful. Gah.

No contest for me on this poll. #1 all the way. I did NOT like that AMA look---it wasn't the glasses or the jacket or the hair or whatever...it was the whole look. Nope. Not my cuppa. But the pose, the look, the hair the clothes, the car, the sun shining on his furry forearm....now THAT's my idea of a picture!

#2 is a classic, of course and I'm so glad we have it to keep. But as far as just a PICTURE? GAH. I'ts #1....again, it's about our collective awakening to the sensual side of Clay...all through AI he played the 'cute' guy, sweet, etc., with only a hint of the sex-xaaay (Solitaire, TLS, etc.)...but in this tour he showed us a new side (or front, if you will )...and this picture just represents one of the ways he did that.... GAH.

No contest for me. #2 has it, hands down. Although I did NOT like the outfit he wore there, I LOVE the stubble and the hair and the look in that pic that takes me back to such a fun time in the journey. Loved how he prowled on the stage and OWNED every single venue when he got up there. The one pic from the photoshoot in the first pic that I liked is the one of him looking down with his hand stretched out holding the mic---full body profile shot. Now if THAT had been the one going up against #2 it would've been much tougher to choose!

Yeah, the smile's great. But I remember the reaction to those TV Guide pics...it was the first time he seemed to really get into the photo shoot and have fun with it...and all the excitement over the new hairstyle and the untied bow tie and the tux....Ah, yessss. It's a classic for me.

jmh, thanks for the referrals to the Alzheimers' info. I've used their hotline twice now. I am on a daily mission to find some inner peace. Mom's behavior is as erratic as it can be. Alzheimers is truly a disease without any saving grace, in my opinion. The cruelty isn't only in the nature, the symptoms of the disease, but in the way it progresses. Mom's in that place where she can look around her and be aware that she is NOT home, that she doesn't KNOW the people who are with her and she feels abandoned, alone, forgotten. She cries all the time, I'm told. When it gets too bad, they call me and I talk with her and she asks me why she's there, why can't I pick her up and take her home, why she's still living. Kenny and I spent two hours with her yesterday, sitting outside the nursing home next to the water and talking and then riding around town. She was fine when we left. This morning at 6 am they called and she begged me to get her or to at least visit her. She didn't remember us being there yesterday. She said she wants to find a way to kill herself. That's disturbing, of course, but...my mom has said things like that for as long as I can remember. I have to keep reminding myself that my mother has been a 'miserable' person for most of her life, regardless of her situation. She has always lamented her lot in life and how unfair and sad life is. Now that it truly IS sad and 'unfair', her words finally have meaning, I guess. But...I'm trying to make my life NOT that way and to do that I have to live for NOW and the future---for me and my family--my husband and daughters. There is really nothing I can do to make life "good" for my mom. There has never really been anything I or anyone else can do to make her a happy person--the Alzheimers only emphasizes that now. My task is to somehow stop feeling guilty that she isn't able to be happy.

And a sign that I have done the right thing and that Mom is now in the right place for her---on the way to work this morning my cell phone rang. It was the nursing home. Mom fell again this morning, this time she rolled right out of her bed. She told them that someone was pushing her and she fell. She's okay. So now they'll have round-the-clock observation of her---she had already had a 'sitter' with her from 8 am to 8 pm. (And thankfully, that service is paid for by the nursing home/Medi-Cal)... I'm making calls today to my relatives back in North Carolina to let them know what's going on... Carrie and I went to see her yesterday and she was either talking with us (but not making too much sense---she makes up stories when she forgets what she wants to say) or looking absently around. Poor Carrie has a very hard time handling this and doesn't want to talk about it or listen to me explaining what's happening. I know she doesn't want to believe that the woman she sees now is the grandmother who was always with her from birth, loving her. They used to sleep together for years, for crying out loud. It's so sad. But...Mom's in the right place.

Thank you for all the support. Today I'm beginning the next phase of my life. It's one in which my children, my husband and myself are the reasons for being. I will continue to love my mother and I will visit her whenever it feels right and there's honestly time to do so, but I will not visit her because I feel I 'should' anymore. Yesterday, I took our visiting dog for a walk. (Oh, did I forget to tell you that at the same time I was losing my mind dealing with my mom losing hers Tuesday evening, Kenny went to pick up the nice Rottweiler that we'd committed to take care of for a week? Nice timing, huh? :bigemo_harabe_net-24: )...and while walking with the dog and listening to Clay (for the first time in a VERY long time) and actually moving at a pace that had me huffing a little, I suddenly felt different. And I realized that I felt similar to the time back in 1992 when, after about five weeks, antidepressants 'kicked in'. It's a feeling that is as if a thick, wet, heavy woolen cloak has been lifted off of me. It's not a 'panacea' feeling---that all is well and all will be well and butterflies and all that. It's a clarity, a sense that..."Okay, I can deal with this. I know what I need to do. I'm okay." And I found myself happy at the thought that now I can really get excited with Alex about her upcoming big step---off to college. And knowing that now we will have $3,000 a month MORE resources almost made me sink to my knees with relief. (We've been paying that much every month out of our own salaries in order to keep Mom in the assisted living residence. In the nursing home she is now on Medicare/Medi-Cal and we don't have to pay anymore.) Then I thought about Carrie and how I WANT to spend more time with her. She's 14 and entering high school and I want to become even closer to her and stay involved with her life in these important years coming up. And Kenny. God. He and I have been 'best friends' for these past years, and we've done a wonderful job partnering to keep the household and family functioning. But we haven't truly been "close" in so long. I want to work on making our relationship stronger and closer. So. I took some more of Mom's things to her yesterday afternoon---her own bedspread that I know she loves, more clothes, a large framed picture of her grandmother that she's had forever and a plate that was made from a very old picture of my grandparents on their wedding day. Then I put many, many photos in a basket and took them, too. I didn't know what to expect when I got to the nursing home, but she was much better than when I'd left her Tuesday night. They'd administered the medication and she wasn't aggressive (much...heh)... Crap...I just got a call from the nursing home. Mom wanted to talk to me. She got on the phone and basically did a repeat of Tuesday night, telling me that she has to leave, that she can't stand it there, that she wants to die, etc. It's not over, but I'm slowly restructuring my own frame of mind so that Mom and her disease is NOT the driving force of my life anymore. She is my mother and I will always love her, but I KNOW that if she had all of her abilities she would not want me to shortchange my children, my marriage or myself because of her needs or demands. I know that. I can only do what I can do and I am promising myself that from now on I will remember that what I am doing is....enough. Thank you all for being here and reading....I have no delusions that everything will be fine. But I'm determined not to dwell on all the reasons it can't be. And since I'd REALLY love to be planning a Clay Aiken Concert trip....

My mom had two falls last Friday, the second one took her to the hospital. In fact, I got the call on my way home from the airport after having flown back to the west coast from my week-long conference--I didn't even make it home but went straight to the hospital, instead. They admitted her with lots of nasty bruises and cuts from the fall and she stayed four days. Her confusion is worse---she doesn't even remember falling---and now her speech is slurred a bit. While she was in the hospital I arranged to have her leave her nice room at the assisted living and move into a nursing home. I canceled her HMO insurance and now she is on Medicare/Medi-Cal, which means my husband and I will no longer have to pay $3,000 a month out of our pockets (and which, over the last three years has depleted any and all money earmarked for our daughters' college and our own retirement) and she will live her days or years out in the nursing home. I am sick about it. That paragraph catches you up to yesterday. Late last night after actually moving mom from the hospital to the nursing home, I wrote the following to a close friend. I haven't been around here lately, but many of you have been supportive throughout this angst of mine, so I'm bringing my post from last night here. I'm kind of a mess right now. I took Mom to the nursing home today and it was as horrible as I imagined it could be. Long story short is that although she is so very confused and the Alzheimers is advanced, she still is aware of her surroundings and knows that this place is not 'home'. She lost it twice--got very agitated and verbally cruel. She said to me more than once, "You tricked me. I never thought you'd do this to me. You and I are through. I never want to see you again." etc. She yelled. She cried. She begged for me to take her "home". She threw her cane---one time she even threw her glasses. We'd talk her down and she'd be calm for a few minutes, but then she'd get up and try to get dressed and say that she was going to walk home since I wouldn't take her. It was hell. When they called the doctor, he automatically told them to giver her Ativan, but that is the drug that unfortunately causes what they call the "paradoxical effect" on my mom. It's supposed to calm and decrease agitation, but it makes Mom totally lose it. Totally. She gets almost uncontrollable. So the substitute drug wasn't in the nursing home and they had to order it. Unfortunately, the damned drug STILL hadn't gotten there by the time I finally was able to 'sneak' out and come home. Meanwhile, she was still trying to get up and walk out. Earlier at dinner she said to me, "Amy, we've GOT to go pick her up." When I asked who, she said, "My child! She's probably going crazy waiting for us." I said that I am her child and her only one. She said, "I don't have another child? I'm sorry. Forgive me." This day has been so very painful. I KNOW she doesn't mean it when she says those awful things, but it IS how she's feeling at the moment she's saying them---even if she doesn't know what she's saying, you know? And I'm soo tired and she was begging me to sleep with her in that little twin bed. When I said there was no room, she said she'd sit in the chair and I could sleep in the bed. We finally called an agency to hire a "sitter" who will sit there at her bed all night. But even after she got there, I couldn't leave for another two hours. And the damned medicine STILL hadn't arrived. I'm convinced that she suffered a tiny stroke during this fall, although the hospital never even did a CT scan and the doctors didn't think she had a stroke. I told them that her slurred speech was NOT usual, but they didn't seem concerned. I'm not sure it matters, either, actually. Her delusions and other signs of dementia were already increasing, so... I'm supposed to go back to the office tomorrow, but I don't think I can. I feel hollow yet filled with such grief and heartache I can hardly stand it. Intellectually, I know I'm doing the only thing I can do, but that doesn't help right now....And I know that in time Mom will calm down and/or adapt to her new situation...but right now having faith in that doesn't help, either. God save me from this kind of old age....and God save my children from what I'm living right now.

Oh, Lordy, I'm so out of it! Happy Birthday to all the birthday women whose special day I might have missed.! I'm in Providence, RI, on business for the whole week. I just got outside for a walk for the first time in two days. I'm getting to old for this. THe weather has been great but I'm not getting too many chances to enjoy it. We have a dinner cruise scheduled on the Narragansett Bay Thursday, so hopefully any rain will hold off until after that! I walked around this little town and found myself in front of the Providence Center for the Performing Arts, where I saw Clay in a holiday concert once. So long ago. It feels so long ago. I miss him. I miss how it used to be---the feeling I remember. I'm sure Clay has lots more surprises and wonder in store for us....I just miss him. Alrighty, then! And that will be that for the maudlin trip down memory lane! I have to do some prep work for tomorrow's set of workshops, but just wanted to stop in and say :th74: wait...I mean, I just wanted to stop in and say Oh, crap...what I'm trying to say is....

Couchie, how's your mom? I don't check in here as much as I used to, but I saw that she's back in the hospital... Leaving tomorrow for Rhode Island, where our week-long summer program happens. So this week at work has been :thRoadRunner: :thcid_3BBE149B-59C6-45CF-B77F-7 :stfu: :fuckoff: Of course, since I'm the event manager..... Heh....

Couchie, that's so cool about your nephew. I know I still love seeing my daughter's name in our little local paper after a softball tournament. In fact, I might have even collected copies of some especially noteworthy mentions... Oh, and in that article you linked, I saw the name of someone I know. He's the younger brother of Carrie's teammate--"her" catcher, actually. Great family. My older daughter is now officially a Duck! We went to orientation at the University of Oregon last week, where she got her I.D. and her class schedule for Fall term. She's so excited! Of course, at home she's a typical soon-to-be-eighteen-year-old know-it-all. Gawd. Nature has it right. When they get that age and start acting like parents are just soooooooo yesterday, everyone is pretty happy to see the high school graduate take wings and.... get the hell outta Dodge! She has a boyfriend now, too, so donchaknow, she's just too cool and busy and important and.....if I see her patented eyeroll again at just the sound of my voice, I'm gonna...... ...Okay. Deep breath. OHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.......

Awww...thanks, y'all, for the birthday wishes! My family and I (including my mom) went with our little chairs to watch our town's annual Mayor's Fourth of July Parade. It's like a throwback to Mayberry-type things and it's a hoot! (Of course, my mom asked me a number of times what all the fuss was about. I'd say "Fourth of July, Mom"...she'd say "Oh, I didn't even know it was the fourth" and then a little bit later we'd go through that exchange again. She also hadn't remembered it was my birthday, but that's no biggie. (Hell, I wouldn't mind forgetting that myself! ) I made an appointment to get a 90-min massage tomorrow (heaven....) and will pay with money from my mom's account. It'll be her birthday present to me! Hubby, older daughter and I just got back yesterday from her orientation at the University of Oregon. She got her I.D. and registered for her Fall term classes. She's officially a Duck! She's sooooo excited, and we're really happy with her choice of school. Beautiful campus, very 'together' administration and amazing academic opportunities for her in a scholars program. She's gonna have a blast! Now, Hubby has grilled chicken outside and we're ready to dig in! Gonna pour me a glass of wine and let everybody wait on me! Hope everyone has a great, fun Fourth of July, too!

Happy Father's Day to all the FCA Dads out there! :04: And of course to Clay. I hope he has joy and fun this first Dad's Day. He's quite a man.

:ura: :2164: That is.... Dear Couchie, my friend!

Now THAT is some serious funny! BWAH! :lmaosmiley-1:

What exactly does it say about me that I IMMEDIATELY found Waldo in that picture? Never mind. Don't answer that.

Hmmm. I really have only one word in response to this, my dear canfly--- bullshit

Good luck to your nephew's team, Couchie! Carrie's softball team just blew everybody away last weekend in Salinas--their first "A" team tournament championship. (They'd been playing "B" level tourney ball until this year.). They won all six games in two days, including 2 shut outs and allowing opponents only 9 total runs in both days! We have four pitchers now, so the coach saved Carrie to pitch the championship game and she KILLED! One of her best pitching outings, for sure. Quick and efficient. (She played various outfield positions in the other games.) But the really cool thing about this tourney was how every single player had at least one awesome play...everybody was just so very "on" and we had some incredible plays. A three-run homer, a solo homer, sly defensive plays (fakes and tricks and double plays and amazing throws to get runners out, etc.), just fun, fun, fun! And this was very welcome since just the weekend before, it seemed our girls' heads were far away from the softball field! So the whole team is pumped now and ready to go...but we have a few off weeks off before the next tourney--school grad and things taking precedence. I'll miss one tourney because of work but then...TAHOE! That's such a fun weekend of softball every summer. Clay Aiken? Oh yeah. I remember him. He's that singer dude. I hear he's gay. Like that Adam dude, right? nah.