Caregiver Issues

[Couch Tomato]

Lot of interesting developments. The latest problem that has been bothering me the most because it's so nonsensical -- walking fine one day, looking like she's 90 the next day ... there doesn't seem to be a physical cause and it looks like it is boiling down to depression and anxiety. We're moving on to explore that area.

Oh and one of her medications may have been causing some of her problems. We've looked at every single prescription and she was taken off 3 of them and she is being weaned off another.

I think living with the chronic illnesses is part of her problem but my sister and I are talking alone and with her and we are just examining everything and we'll fix anything that may even be just a potential problem. The physical therapists came today and made all sorts of suggestions... one is our couch is too low, imagine that..I get new furniture out of this deal LOL..actually we're going to buy a new sofa with our $600 welfare checks in May heee.

I'm also going to look for a housekeeping/companion type person to come at least once a week. What I am finding is that she'll listen to these professionals and ignore us and we've been saying some of the same things for weeks. So this home health care is really working out for the better.

[luckiest1]

{{{couchie}}} Sounds like you really have your hands fully lately.

[playbiller]

I have had family with trouble getting up from couches. Heck, they still could not get up from the new one. Things that have helped:

If the springs are shot, shelving boards under the cushions. There are alsolifts to lift the bed/couch up about 6 inches. They look a lot like the things that lift car wheels when you are working on them - chopped off pyramids with wells to insert the feet.

One of those lifting chairs may be paid for by insurance and the chairs recline. link

I had a cleaner come once a week for my mother, but having someone come once a day for an hour during the week was insurance that she would eat and was feeling fine, until I could call her when I got home.

[Claygasm]

There was a feature on GMA this morning about adult children taking care of aging parents and what they emphsised is there is help out there. I thought this might help, couchie. From the GMA site:

The message the National Association of Social Workers is trying to get out is that there is help available.

Visit Help Starts Here to find a social worker who can help caregivers navigate the health-care system, get a nursing aide, do financial planning and even help find transportation for parents.

[jazzgirl]

I have found these useful, the bed cane, in particular:

couch cane

bed cane

[Couch Tomato]

Thank you for all of the information Jazzgirl, Play, Claygasm. It's all helpful.

[Couch Tomato]

My mom was released from the hospital today to a skilled nursing facility. She will be working with physical therapists every day. The facility is just about 10 mninutes away from me and she can leave for appointments and even social stuff, like my sister's birthday on Saturday. She has a good attitude and frankly seems to be doing pretty good. It's weird to come home to an empty house.

[playbiller]

Oh that is great. I think my Mom's favorite time after her stroke was living in a recovery facility. Everyone else hada physical problem and she only had a language problen, so she would help and get people what they wanted. She felt usefull and had plenty of company.

[jmh123]

That's great news couchie! I'm so glad she's getting some expert help with her medical issues. Those ER trips had to get getting old for you both. Any idea how long she'll stay? Any diagnosis yet?

[Couch Tomato]

I just dropped her off today..tomorrow they'll do a complete workup and she'll see the doctor. From reading their information, the evaluation process includes a target release date so I should know that in the next few days. So I'm not sure if it's 2 weeks or 2 months. I do know one of the things I'm most worried about is my trip to NYC and where will she stay or who'll stay with her. I guess I'll find out soon if she'll still be there. Although my sister did say my mom could stay with her but their house is small..2 bedrooms and they have 2 kids so she'd have no personal space.

[YSRN]

Aww, couchie. This is bittersweet, huh? This is good for your mom for awhile at least. Maybe it will give her a lift and when she returns she won't need to be taking so many emergency trips. You'll be lonely a bit, but hopefully it'll be worth it.

And like I said, your sister and mom can bond a bit, even if it's in a small space. You can let that happen while you go on a little vacation. If nothing else everyone will sure appreciate you when you get back. Hee.

[jmh123]

Maybe a "mom sitter" would be better, if you could find one, someone to stay in your house with her or visit for a few hours a day, depending on what her needs are. Would your sister be able to supervise that? You could ask the people at this place about the options for home care, and how much caretaking she will need when she comes home. A lot would depend on what her condition will be. Of course they're probably just feeling their way along now as well, trying to figure out what's wrong and what they can do about it, but thank goodness they're going to take a closer look at her and try to figure out what's going on.

[annabear]

It does sound like this could be a big step in the right direction, Couchie. Here's to hoping you can get some answers and the help needed for the best quality of life for both of you. :F_05BL17blowkiss:

[Couch Tomato]

It does sound like this could be a big step in the right direction, Couchie. Here's to hoping you can get some answers and the help needed for the best quality of life for both of you. :F_05BL17blowkiss:

Mom is being booted tomorrow. She did very well there so she will be treated on an out patient basis. Her attitude and spirits were really good but I noticed in the last day or so a few things that make me nervous, small signs of her anxiety but instead of falling into it she seemed to fight it off and stay upeat. I have no idea what will happen when she comes home but the main thing my sister and I have decided that she can't be so isolated on a daily basis. My mom has always been a social person so we need to make sure she is surrounded by noise and people. Not exactly sure how we'll accomplish this during the week from 8-5 but we're working on it.

[annabear]

Probably something you've already looked into if it would be fitting, but I'll put it out here anyway - are there any programs for seniors in the area that maybe have classes, like at a church or YMCA? Whether it's crafts, a book club, or a modified exercise group where she could be active & socialize? My mom is just getting involved with the Y in her area and they have all kinds of senior groups. :F_05BL17blowkiss:

[Couch Tomato]

yes Annabear..there is a perfectly beautiful new senior center very close to where I work and close to home... I've been trying to get her involved. They have daily activities, exercise, classes, trips etc.. the first thing she told me when I told her about it was I don't want to hang around those old people LOL. So I think getting her there, so she can see how cool it is will help. I'm going to take her there this week.

[annabear]

Ah yes, the "old people" issue! Heh - I've heard that one before, too. I'm so glad that you have someplace like that nearby. I really hope a visit will ease her mind, get rid of the pre-conceived notions and turn out to be a good fit for her.

[jmh123]

I've heard it too. Being around others, being challenged, being active--all very important. Is there any possibility of finding her a place in assisted living? I know insurance probably won't cover it, nor is it likely that they will cover in-home care, but she might be a lot happier with people around all the time and someone to look after her all day, whatever she might say about her preferences.

[Couch Tomato]

I haven't really ever thought about an assisted living facility. We've been roomies for about 8 years now.

Good day all the way around. I started off highly stressed because since she learned she was coming home I've seen some of those little tics that I associate with anxiety. She even asked for her Ativan on her last night at the center. And I mentioned that reschedule her appt with the psychiatric dept (for her anxiety and or depression) and she was pulling out all the stops to get out of that one. That appt was scheduled for today and I just didn't know how I was going to get her there. I was so concerned I called my brother this morning and told him he had to come because he was the only one that could talk to her and get her to do it.

And then I called the social worker that was helping with her release. The woman sounded remarkably like JennaZ and for some reason that just soothed me. I realized I was just as stressed about her coming home. She told me she would go talk to my mom and call me back. Well miracles whatever the woman said to her she agreed to keep her appointment.

So today was her last day at the center..I picked her up and then we went straight to her appt. with only a minor detour by a cop..I got freakin' pulled over by the police on teh freeway. Anyway, I didn't have my last fix it ticket with me so he gave me another one..heh.

The good news is that she walked away from her orientation of the dept and meeting her therapist looking forward to her appt. That was so unexpected but I'm happy... I told her she didn't have to tell me anything she talked about..and she told me well I know that duh. hee Made me happy to see her feisty.

Anyway, she just went off to bed and so far so good. My sister and her family came over with the kids.. that I love you ma my little alex yelled as she left made her day.

And I called my brother back to say..ok forget my panic things went well but he said he's coming anyway for a long weekend.

Tomorrow... keep your fingers corssed. I'm taking her to the senior center. I hope she likes it. I really think her volunterring one day a week some place would be good for her too..although I'm not going to push her into too many things at once. Her sister is coming to visit on Saturday... now to get throug h this first night.

At her appt today I helped her fill out her forms and I have to say there were things that surprised me. I really think therapy will help her. Never thought I'd be saying that.

[jmh123]

Lots of great news couchie!! :F_05BL17blowkiss:

[annabear]

I hope things go well with the sr. center visit today.

[luckiest1]

Wow, just catching up on this thread. couchie, glad that things seem to be looking up.

[jazzgirl]

I really think her volunteering one day a week some place would be good for her too..although I'm not going to push her into too many things at once

I think this sounds promising. Keep us posted. It may work because your mom, IIRC, is a "young" senior. I tried taking my mom to a senior center run by seniors that had lunch, bingo, and discussions, but most of the seniors there were fairly active people in their 70s who were in much better shape than my mom, so she really didn't fit in. The other seniors were solicitous of mom, but she was like a child promoted out of her grade level, so it didn't work.

[muskifest]

I'm here to ask if any of you have suggestions for coping with a parent with Alzheimers. My mom is in an assisted living residence within walking distance of our house and although she WAS doing pretty well there---going to exercise classes in the morning, hanging around with other ladies there, going for walks, etc., lately she's regressed...and it's because of what I consider an unhealthy relationship with a man who also lives there. His dementia is actually worse than hers, in my opinion, and he's depressed and seemingly unable to take care of himself. But he and Mom have become close companions.

Long story short: he basically lives in her room with her. His clothes are always draped all over the place in HER room, even though his room is only two doors down. I don't give a rat's ass if they want to share a bed; hell, comfort is comfort. But the codependency has become detrimental to her mental and emotional health and is, I believe, worsening her own ability to deal with her dementia.

Tonight she called me to 'come pick her up'. When I went there, she was totally beside herself, cussing like a sailor about Bob's family who came to pick him up to take him to a party. She says they ignored her and basically took him away without even a word. Meanwhile, his daughter has called me to ask if I could please take my mom away from Bob for a while so they can get him and help him clean up. He doesn't keep himself clean---he smells, his clothes smell and as a result my mom's room smells. But they say that whenever they try to get him, my mom is beligerent with them---they even said she throw food at them once. Cusses at them, calls them names, etc. Meanwhile, Bob tells my mom how he wishes his family would just leave him alone, so Mom thinks she needs to defend him/take care of him/protect him.

Their realities are not ours, but neither knows it and if someone tells them, they just forget and go back to 'their' world.

She asked me to let her stay at my house tonight because she didn't want to be alone. She's convinced Bob's family has taken him away permanently (instead of just to a family gathering for the evening as the administrators tell me) and she said she can't stay there 'alone'. Of course, she was fine there 'alone' before Bob became this parasite to her as a willing host. So in our discussion, when I tell her that if she still doesn't believe me when I say that Bob's coming back, I'll have Carrie sleep in Alex's room and Mom can sleep in Carrie's for TONIGHT only--that she can't live with us permanently. (She lived with us for 11 years before the Alzheimers made it impossible. We're all gone all the time and she'd truly be alone and it's too dangerous and was NOT good for our own family's emotional health)...

Well, she started cussing like crazy and telling me to get out, that I don't want her and don't care about her, that she's all she has in this world and it doesn't matter, that she wishes she could kill herself and I should just get the hell out.

I sat there stunned, knowing that it was the disease talking, but still crushed by her words. I'm an only child so it is just me and my husband dealing with the trauma and the financial disaster that being responsible for her means and we're at a place now where our own financial security and emotional health are being threatened. That she could tell me that I don't care about her...

I knew I needed to just listen and not say anything, but I said, "That's the most hurtful thing you've ever said to me, Mom."

And then the tears came and I just wanted to scream and I said through the sobs, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't know what else to do, what else I CAN do, Mom. I honestly don't."

Lose/lose situation there. Fuck.

So now she's here in the kitchen...washing pots and pans. Of course, she doesn't know quite what to do anymore and so every few minutes I have to go in there and find this for her or show her that. I brought work home with me and still haven't gotten to it.

Now Carrie is asking me to fix her fucking computer. Great.

I need to know how to deal with stuff like this. What to say, how to know what to do...I imagine there must be some groups that can help caregivers of Alzheimers patients... but I just wondered if any of you had experience with it. Thanks.

[Couch Tomato]

Muskifest :F_05BL17blowkiss: I'm sorry you're going through all that. I thought depression was hard but don't even know how I would deal with what you're going through. When I went to my mom's therapy session with her, the doctor recommended me for a caregiver's group. I'm going to take him up on that when I get back. I remember your mama and I'm sorry for all of you. I know you will get some more good advice from the ladies here. They are wonderful.