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Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

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This whole writing thing started as I watched Clack from the Greensboro NaJNT concert, when Clay introduced the 'J' Team, and Jennifer, as the woman who 'wakes me up each morning'. He then turned to some woman sitting in front and said, 'I bet that pisses you off.' (Don't know if those quotes are exact, but pretty close) Besides laughing my butt off, I remembered thinking how she looked just like 'one of us', and I wondered how she got the job. From there somehow, the J&C skits were born. Since I have a bit of catching up to do, I'll post about three stories at a time.

From the beginning, just as I originally posted...

Because it's all silly and fun and has actually nothing to do with Clay Aiken (real news) and all to do with my warped sense of humor, I've decided not to post these on Main, but start a thread here in the fiction section for my Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay.

I still have a few more ideas rattling around in my head and I wanted a place to let them spill them out. If these little tales give any of you a smile or two, then I've been successful.

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Friday, December 29, 2006

Stepping into the dark over a pair of shoes, a t-shirt, two pair of sweats, more shoes and stepping way around a pile of boxers sitting near the end of the dresser, Jennifer shakes Clay’s shoulder.

J “Get up Clay”

C *mumbles* “Don’t you wish. Owww! Don’t hit me!”

J “I’m gonna do more than that if you don’t get your lazy butt out of bed. I swear, this is the last time I’m coming in here today.

C “Mumph” * rolls over and pulls covers over head*

J “I mean it Clay. It’s time to get up now.”

J walks around to open the curtains.

C “GO AWAY WOMAN!”

J “Now, now…that’s how rumors get started”

C *says something that sounds like it starts with the letter ‘F’*

J “Don’t take that tone with me, Clay Aiken. You hired me to do this”

C “Ah didn’t hire you to torture me. It’s still the middle of the night. Let me sleep!”

J “It’s 11:30 am and…”

C “Like Ah said, the middle of the night”

J “…and you have appointments to keep and people to piss off and…Oops, sorry. That slipped”

C “S’ok, but see, Ah’m pissing you off already and Ah ain’t even out of bed yet, so Ah can sleep for a little while more.”

J walks around to the end of the bed

COwwww! Quit pulling the hair on the back of my legs!”

J “You know that’s disgusting”

C “What?”

J “You know. That tattoo you refuse to scrub off”

C “Ah can’t. It’s too funny. When the hair started growing back it made Jimmy look like an old man. As soon as he gets a little more hair growin’ out his ears and nose Ah’m sending him another picture” *snort *

J “Men.”

C *Clay opens one blurry eye* “Ah’m still on vacation”

J “Not anymore. Listen, we really do have lots to do before you get started working on this new tour. The Christmas trees have to come down and…”

C “Good Lord, woman! You don’t need mah help to take down those trees. Mah momma…”

COwwwwwwwwwwww!”

J “Remember? You’re never supposed to say those words to me.”

C *rubbing back of head* “Sorry.”

J “Your momma didn’t have 3,000 new fan ornaments to pack away and she doesn’t have two dogs who like to eat the tinsel and then get sick all over the living room while I’m trying to fix your breakfast…which by the way is all healthy again. When you told Jay you only eat one meal a day you failed to mention that it consisted of fried Snicker bars. I just gave the deep fryer to the Salvation Army.”

Cawwwww

J “S’ok, lover boy. Should get rid of the zits and the double chin”

C *pouts*

J “Come on, you know I’m just teasing…well, about the zits and the double chin thing. I love a man with a little meat on him…but I really did pitch the deep fryer.”

CAWWWWW”

J “We've got to get you in shape for the next tour…and since I guess I must be the ‘trainer’ you hired, I’ll start by having you bend over and pick up all that mess in the backyard from Raleigh and Durham. I’m sure it’s giving that news copter from WGHP quite a visual.”

C “Wait a minute. Ah’m sure they can’t see all the piles of pooh around my backyard from way up there”

J “Didn’t I mention the dogs have been eating the tinsel off the trees? The backyard is sparkling”

C “Crap”

J “Exactly”

C *still not moving*

J “Ok, Aiken. You’re going to make me do this.”

J walks towards kitchen

C “What?”

hears glasses and plates being moved around

C “What are you doing out there?!”

J *shouting * “I thought your collection of McDonald’s Glasses of the World would look good on this shelf right here, and my earth tone ceramic plates from Pottery Barn would fit on this shelf right there and…”

CNoooooooo!!! Stop that! Ah’m up! Ah’m coming!”

J “You know one of these mornings I’m going to tape record you saying that. Ebay gold”

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

January 1, 2007

C “What? Owwww”

J You need to wake up now Clay.”

C “Stop that shouting! That’s…Owwwww…Oh mah God! Mah head! Shhhhhhhh! Don’t shout!!”

J “That’s your own voice Clay…I’m whispering. It just feels loud. Open your eyes”

C “Oh Mah God!! Ah’m blind!!! There’s a black film covering mah eyes!! Sweet Jesus, help me!!”

J “You’re not blind Clay. Those are your eyelids.”

C “What?”

J “I said, you just need to open your eyes. It’s almost 4pm and Tyra is supposed to be here for dinner by 6…and there’s a lot of cleaning up to do from the party last night”

C “Tyra? Tyra is coming here? Why is Trya coming here?”

J “Probably because you called her”

C “I called her?!”

J “Let's see. If I remember correctly, you invited her over to see if she’s allergic to vanilla...and I believe you said you wanted her to, and let me quote this correctly, ‘taste your greens’, which was followed by your hunting through your dresser drawers for the next hour looking for your St. Patrick Day boxer shorts. Do you remember any of this?”

COwwww. Mah head hurts…and Ah think Ah’m going to throw up. Call Tyra and tell her Ah think Ah have the flu. Tell her she best not come today.”

J “You don’t have the flu Clay. You have a hangover”

C What?! Owww. Don’t be silly. Ah don’t drink”

J “Well, you could have fooled me. Though to be fair, I don’t think you knew Jesse spiked the punch just before he left.

C What?!” *moan*

J “Remember? He said your party was sweet...but boring. He dropped a whole flask of Vodka into the punch bowl as he and his date left to hit some clubs.”

C “He did not! Besides, I drank that punch all evening.”

J “I know. You were the only one who drank it. In fact at one point you grabbed the bowl and ran into the dining room yelling ‘All mine!’”

C “He’s such a quiet guy. Why would he do that?”

J *sigh* “You haven’t visited MySpace lately, have you?. Come on. It’s not so bad. We all really had a great time and…”

C *holds ears* “Wait a minute. What’s that gawd awful noise? Make it stop.”

J “Don’t I wish. About half way through the night you and Jimmy and Nick and some of the other guys decided to go down to the recording studio to cut a special CD. And sadly, I mean that literally.”

C “What…?”

J “Like burping the alphabet, only more festive. All the bodily noises you guys could think of to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. Nick set it on continual loop through the speaker system, locked the door to the studio, and went home. I hope you have an extra key.”

*makes note to call to have studio fumigated*

C “Jimmy?...Kimmel was here?”

J “Yep. He hopped a flight right after he got Nick’s call. Said he couldn’t live with himself if he missed this opportunity.”

C “What’s all that paper on the floor?”

J “Well, this is the cease and desist order served shortly after you and Jimmy went over and sang a duet to the neighbors.”

C “We sang Reunited?”

J “Nope. Blue Moon…with, I’ve been told, a visual encore they won’t soon forget.”

Caghhh…What’s the rest of that stu-shit?”

J “Oh, you mean the pictures?”

C “Pictures? Someone was taking pictures?”

J “I must say, you throw one hell of a party.” *hands Clay one of the photos*

C “Praise Jesus. You had me worried for a minute. This isn’t so bad. It’s just a picture of me kissing Jaymes under the mistletoe.”

J “You don’t have any mistletoe, Clay. Here, turn the picture sideways”

C “Oh Mah God!!!”

J “Yep, it’s the fake schefflera in the formal living room”

C “ …then…Ah’m under the table…?”

J “Yep, on top of Jaymes to be precise. She said it beats under the Santa Monica pier all to heck. No sand and you didn’t have to worry about paying parking fines.”

C *whimpers* “Who’s in that one?”

J “Mary”

C “Ah kissed Mary??? OhmyGod, OhmyGod, OhmyGod…OhmyGod!”

J *smiling* “I bet you got that from the message boards, didn’t you?

C “Is that one Kristy?”

J “Nah. She said something about ‘been there, done that’ and locked herself in her room early”

C “Please tell me that one’s not of Jamie. Please tell me Ah didn’t molest mah own cousin”

J “No, silly. It’s not Jamie. She was too fast for you. It’s that gal from the symphony you invited last week. You know, Jodi”

C “She has her hands all over mah ass!”

J “Yeah. She said something about not realizing your ‘hidden assets’ all these years and told you to give her a call next time you’re in NY.”

C *throws pillow over head* “And what were you doing 'mah faithful assistant', while all this was going on?”

J ”Who do you think was taking the pictures?”

C “Fine." *sigh* " Would you mind telling me how Ah got to bed since Ah can’t seem to remember?”

J “Just as well. Jerome carried you in. He figured after you kept putting your hand over your mother’s mouth every time she started to speak it was time for you to call it a night.”

Cmoan

J “By the way, Faye said she’d be over later with a stack of spiral notebooks, a box of number two pencils and a toothbrush. I’m not sure what that’s about, but she said you’d understand”

C “Ah think Ah really am gonna’ to be sick now”

*falls out of bed to crawl to the bathroom*

“Who put these weird rugs down here?”

J “Those aren’t rugs. It’s just Raleigh and Durham.”

C “Oh mah God! Mah dogs!! Ah killed mah dogs!!!”

J “You didn’t kill them. They’re just passed out."

*picks dogs up one at a time and places them on the bed*

“They were the only ones you let share the punch. Actually, It was kinda cute to see the three of you lapping up the last drops together. Now we know Border Terriers can’t hold their liquor…well, any better than their Daddy apparently. I expect you to help me clean up the family room rug when you’re able”

C “…but all this fur all over the floor. What happened to them?”

J “Oh that’s not fur. That’s stomach hair. Well, it was anyhow. Nick and Jimmy said to tell you it really was ‘just for kicks’.

*watches Clay crawl into the bathroom and turns to leave*

“Well, I can see you’re not going to be any help getting this place ready for dinner so I better get back to work. By the way, here’s the menu I have so far….nice juicy pork ribs, with tangy bar-b-q sauce dripping off, deep fried corn fritters and collard greens drenched in vinegar and bacon grease”

*shuts the door to the sound of retching*

stay tuned for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

January 9, 2007

*crawling in, Jennifer carefully and quickly swipes a cotton swap around Clay’s open drooling morning mouth*

C “What the hell—Ah mean, what on earth are you doing?”

J *gives him a scathing look*

C “Ah’m sorry. Ah'm sorry! Ah know Ah promised not to swear so much, but you scared the crap out of me.”

J “It’s ok. Knowing how you sleep on your days off, I didn’t think this would wake you. I thought it was a good time to grab a DNA sample for the paternity suit without bothering you.”

C “Paternity suit? What paternity suit? Oh, ya’ mean that girl Ah never heard of in Charlotte and her little red headed baby boy? Ah’m sure there won’t be a paternity suit filed. Heck, if there was, it would have to be put in line behind the crazy writer lady and the summons Ah have for all the unpaid parking tickets waiting for me in Santa Monica. Ah only mentioned that baby boy to give mah fans something new to speculate on. They love that shi—stuff you know.

J “Speculating?”

C “They do it like it’s their job. They talk about what record label Ah’m going with or staying with, if Ah’m writing new songs or singing more old ones, when A’ll be touring and the size of the tour. Heck, they even speculate about the size of mah…”

J “ Penis?

C “GOOD LORD, WOMAN! Tell me you did not just say that! Ah was going to say, ‘the size of mah bank account, thank you very much!”

J “You mean they don’t try to guess the size of your—”

C “Don’t say it! Of course they don’t speculate about that! They figured that out 5 years, Ah mean 4 years ago! Do you happen to have a Sharpie handy? Nevermind. Ah just mean mah fans just like to talk. Sometimes Ah try to help out.”

J “I don’t think I understand”

C “Well, take mah concerts for example. I have mah suits made a little too tight, and talk about it just so they can speculate how much weight Ah’ve gained. Ah tease them with mah zipper being up or down, the color of mah socks, mah ties, mah hair. Ah chew gum and cough drops but try to look like Ah’m not just to get them wondering what Ah’m doin’. Ah wear mah glasses now and then, and Ah even forget to shave on purpose. Sometimes Ah even carry things around like Ah’m trying to hide something.”

J “You mean like that little rock Durham brought you from outside the Charlotte arena just before you went on?”

C “Exactly. Ah just knew someone would be a’watchin’, and Ah knew they would get hours of pleasure out of that one. Ah truly love mah fans. Why do you think Ah gave them the tour of mah new house?”

J “So they could speculate on your square footage?’

C “Yep, that and the size of my Love balls.”

J “Don’t you mean your Love Sacs?”

C “Oh, yeah. Those, too”

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

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Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

J “I said get up, Sleepyhead.”

C “Go.Away”

J “Come on, get up.”

C “Damnit, go away!”

*swats the back of Clay’s head*

COw! Stop that!!”

J “Remember your swearing.”

C “Ah’ll remember. Ah’ll remember that Ah’m your boss and Ah said go awa—Ow!”

*hits him again*

C “My momma says…Owwwwwwww!!…All right, all right! Ah give! Ah’m awake!”

J “Apologize.”

C “What?”

J “Apologize for swearing or I’ll be telling you know who that you’re not sleeping alone these days.”

C “You would not!?! Besides, those rags don’t scare me none.”

J “Who said anything about the tabloids? I was talking about the message boards.”

C “Shit! Owww! Ok, ok…Ah’m sorry! Now quit swippin' the back of mah head!

rubs back of head murmuring, “Ah know you're the reason Ah got vertigo in the first place”

J “Sorry for…?”

C “Saying shit and damnit.”

J “…and??”

C “You mean saying ‘mah momma sa……”

*J raises hand again*

C “Oh, alright! I apologize for that too!”

J “Fine. You’re forgiven. But you really do need to get more sleep. Going through this routine every day is no fun for me either, Clay.”

C “Honest, Ah go to bed at a decent hour. You know Ah do, but Ah just can’t sleep with all this shi-stuff rollin’ around in mah head”

J *counts the number of fuzz balls in Clay’s hair while he wipes dried drool off his face*

J “Well, let me just say, insomnia is not a good look on you.”

C “Ah know. Really Ah do, but Ah promised David and Jaymes that Ah would write some new songs during mah time off, and so far Ah’ve got nothing. Ah’m afraid Mah muse has left me high and dry.”

J “Your muse hasn’t left, Clay. She’s sleeping in the bed right next to you.”

C “You’re right, Ah know, but don’t tell anybody, ok? Mah fans think Ah wrote “Lover All Alone” about mahself. They think Ah’m all sad and lonely and whatnot. They don’t know it was about her.”

J “Ok, but personally, I don’t know why you let her crawl in there with you every time she’s upset. Every cute little thing with big brown eyes that looks at you, you feel sorry for.”

C “But she stood outside mah door and cried.”

J “You’re such a guy. Don’t you know tears are the oldest trick in the book.”

C “Ah can’t help it. Besides, she’s mah best friend.”

J “Well, she was your inspiration last spring, right? Write the new songs for her this time, too.”

C “Ah can’t. It’s all so different now. That winter before, she was so sad, what with me traveling around doin’ mah singing vignettes. She couldn’t follow me all the time, and when she could she spent the time hiding in mah dressing rooms, sitting on mah suitcases and such. That wasn’t a good life for any living creature. Ah thought the spring would be better what with moving into mah new house and spending more time together, but then there was that vacation in Europe, and we know how that turned out. When Ah told mah momma Ah wanted Ruben to sing at mah funeral Ah realized then how short life could be. Ah knew I had to do something to make her happy again. Ah knew she needed a real companion.”

*Raleigh wakes up and stretches her legs against Clay’s backside*

J “Well, then you got Durham to be with her, right? Then what? Can’t you find some inspiration to write about there?”

C “Since Durham has come into our lives, he’s kicked her out of her own bed, chewed up all her pretty things, lifted his leg on just about everything she owns and has barked in her face every waking hour of every day since.”

J *sigh* “I guess you’re right Clay. People want to hear songs about love…not marriage….or about being your assistant.”

C “Ha.Ha. Very funny. Ah’m going back to bed now.”

*Kristy rolls over pulling the blankets over her head*

K “It’s about time.”

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Sunday, January 28, 2007

*opening his eyes feeling like somebody is watching,Clay slowly makes out the shape of a woman lying on the floor near his bed.*

C "AHHH!!"

J "Oh my God! I’m sorry, Clay!"

C "Jennifer, is that you?! You scared the crap outta me!"

J "I didn’t mean to startle you."

C "Well, don’t ever do that again! Ah was afraid you might be that crazy town lady who comes by every week to sort through mah trash."

J "I really am sorry!"

C "What are you doing in here anyway?"

J "Promise you won’t be mad?"

*slowly feels his heart rate swing back to normal rhythm*

J "Sometimes I come in a little early to wake you up just to hear you sing in your sleep."

C "Ah still do that?!"

J "Yeah. Sometimes. When you’re really sleepy…I mean more than normal."

C "Why don’t you just listen to mah CDs? Ah could even let you sit in on a recording session or…"

J "No, please, that’s ok. I…I just like to hear you sing in your sleep sometimes. It’s just sort of sweet, you know?"

C "Ummm, not really, Ah don’t think about ‘sweet’ too much these days. You didn’t watch me drool, too, did yah?"

J "You should."

C "Should what? Drool?"

J "No, think about the sweet things more."

C "Sweet things? You mean like mah trip to the store yesterday? You know, the one where Ah needed an extra dose of medicine just to deal with the fact that three women tried to squeeze mah tomatoes while mah back was turned at the check-out, all the while Ah was trying to hide the tabloid shot of mah double chin? Yeah, that was sweet alright."

J "No. No, that wasn’t very nice that’s true, but a lot is you know? I bet a few years ago you would have paid to have some women squeeze your tomatoes."

C *giggle* "Yeah, Ah know. Ah never would have imagined anyone wanting to read about me either...in the rags or anywhere else for that matter. Still, if Ah’d never gone on that singing contest Ah wouldn’t have brought all that bad on me and mah loved ones. People wouldn’t have tore up mah momma’s yard. Ah never would have had that internet bastard make a cottage industry out of smearing mah good name.

Sorry, Ah forgot about not swearing."

J "It’s ok. I don’t mind if you call that bastard a bastard."

C "Thanks."

*both roll over and stare at the ceiling*

J "You were able to form your own foundation to help thousands of children."

C "Mah fans helped with that."

J "You were asked to be on a presidential committee."

C "Ah got to read to children."

J "You wrote your own book."

C "Ah collected toys for tots."

J "You got be a Unicef ambassador."

C "Ah sang in refugee camps."

J "You formed summer camps."

C "Ah got to sing to Mikayla."

J "You rented limos."

C "Ah got to go trick or treating again."

J "You got to light a snowflake."

C "Ah got to sort beans."

J "You got to make a difference."

*looking at one another again*

J "You got to put your hands in cement."

C "…and over people’s mouths."

J "You got awards."

C "Ah got to auction off mah clothes and mah doodle." *eye waggle*

J "You dork."

C "Always."

J "You got to make people who are hurt and scared smile."

*both stare at the ceiling again*

J "You got to hear yourself on the radio."

*raises eyebrows*

J "Ok, that still needs some work, but you did get to write your own song."

C "Ah got to work with some talented people."

J "You talked with Diane Sawyer."

C "Ah got to be a producer."

J "…and throw a football to Kimmel"

C "…and Ah trademarked mahself."

*belly laughs*

C "Ah got to sing at the World Series. "

J "…and in front of kings and queens"

C "…and in front of mah home town"

J "…and for a half a million dollars standing next to a piano"

C "…and on mah own television special"

J "…and don’t forget Wango Tango. Your fans never will."

C "S’true"

J "And, you’ve gotten to tour."

C "Ah love to tour."

J "…screaming fans"

C "…Andy, Danny, S’von and the crew"

J "…sell out crowds"

C "…shaking hands at the buses"

J "…scary rides"

C "…When Doves Cry" *wink*

J *rolls eyes*

C "And the practical jokes."

J "Don't forget the panties."

C *blush* "Mah fans like to give me gifts."

J "Yeah, I know. God help you this Valentine’s Day."

C "Ah’ve got to see so many wonderful places."

J "You ate some nasty food in Ireland."

C "Ah ate some McDonalds in Slovinia. Well, I was going to until...well...you know." *mimes passing out*

J "You’ve had take-out in Santa Monica."

C "Cut that out."

J "Ok."

C "Ah got to wear a black leather jacket and stand on a piano."

J "You got to pet a penguin and kiss a giraffe."

C "Ah got to sing bluegrass for mah papa."

J "You got your grandma to New York to make pineapple salad for Martha Stewart."

C "Ah bought my brother a car."

J "You bought your mother a house."

C "Ah bought mah own house. Kelly and Ruben played pool at mah house."

J "You have good friends"

C "The J Crew"

J "And Nick and Mary."

C "Ah vacationed with wild horses."

J "...and visit with the Fosters"

C "Ah ate a pretzels and watched hockey with Kristy."

J "You got to be a godfather."

C "I'm'a gonna make him an'a offer he can't'a refuse'a."

J "Shut up. The New Jersey accent was bad enough."

C "Makes Chamberlin laugh."

J "He doesn't know any better. Yet."

C *sighs* "Ah’ve been blessed."

J "Mind if I ask you a favor?"

C "Go ahead."

J "Would you mind going back to sleep for a little while, just in case…you know."

C "My pleasure."

Happy 4th ‘Take Time’Anniversary, Clay…and thank you.

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Sunday, February 4, 2007

J "Hey, Sleepyhead, time to wake up."

*greeted with complete stillness punctuated only by heavy breathing*

J "Come on, I can tell you’re awake. It sounds like you just ran a mile. What have you been doing? Working out?"

*flips on the light to see a flurry of movement under Clay’s blankets and notices a huge tenting problem*

J "Clay, what…?!?! I mean, I am so sorry!"

*covers eyes and starts backing out of room*

C "Jennifer."

J "I don’t want to know."

C *sigh* "Jennifer"

J "No! I didn’t see anything!"

*fumbles to find the doorknob with eyes shut*

C "Jennifer, look at me!"

J "Ewwwwwww!"

C "Jennifer, you stop right now! You know me better. Now turn around and look."

*peeks out between fingers and slowly turns to face Clay as he peels back his covers to expose the carton of peach ice cream he’d been trying to hide*

J "Ice cream? But I thought…"

C "Yeah, Ah know what you thought, and frankly Ah’m insulted!"

J "…but…"

C "No ‘buts.’ It’s only a pint for heaven's sake! Now if it were a half gallon - no, a gallon! - I could understand your mistake." *grin*

J "Very funny, Aiken….but now that I’ve stopped blushing, would you mind telling me why you felt the need to eat a pint of ice cream in bed at 9 o’clock in the morning?"

C "Breakfast?"

J "Clay…"

C "What? It's just milk and fruit. All very healthy and…"

J "Clay!"

C "Oh, all right! Ah knew Ah shouldn’t be eating it! Ah knew Ah should be sticking to mah diet, and Ah didn’t want anyone to know."

J "So, what’s bothering you?"

C "What do you mean? Nothing’s bothering me."

J "Clay, shut up. Who are you trying to kid? Every bad, sad or scary thing that’s ever happened in my life has been followed by a carton of Mocha Almond Fudge."

C "Sweet Jesus, thank you for the warning! Ah better keep you happy at all times or you could accidentally kill me!"

J "You know what I mean, Clay. Nobody eats ice cream from a carton at 9 a.m. unless something’s wrong. What gives? Is it the tabloid crap again?"

C "Nah! I’m good with that. Ah don’t much care what those vermin say. Ah even let mah fans know they could have some fun with it. That’s all good"

J "How about your work? RCA? The tour? Radio play?"

C *chuckles* "Nope, business as usual."

J “Jennifer Hudson?”

C *bwahhh*

J "Yeah, ok. So, did somebody say something about your hair or your weight the other day?"

C "Mah fans are always saying something about mah hair. Some want it down mah back in a ponytail and others want it short and blonde. It’s like having 10,000 girlfriends Why do you think Ah change it as much as Ah do? Ah aim to please someone…well, except for the fauxhawk." *shudders*

J "What about your weight?"

C "They don’t have to say anything. Ah mention it first, you know, before anyone else can."

J "You don’t have to do that, you know. They don’t care. They love you"

C "Ah know, but old habits and all that."

J "Yeah, I know" *pause* "Well, I know Brett will be home soon…"

C "Ah say mah prayers every day"

J "…and he’s been gone for months now. So that’s not a new problem. What is?"

*hands over Unicef pictures and papers that had been stuffed under the sheets*

C "Just checking out some places for my next assignment"

*shuffles through all the papers*

J "Wow. These look pretty bad. Are you worried that they’ll send you into some really dangerous areas?"

C *shakes head* "Ah’m worried there won’t be enough time for me to get to them all."

J "Hold on."

*runs out and comes back with spoon in hand*

J "Scoot over."

*slides into bed next to Clay and grabs container *

J "Hey it's empty!"

C *sheepishly* "Did I tell you I found another gray hair too?"

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

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Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Thursday, February 8, 2007

CPsst, Jennifer, wake up.”

J “Clay! *pulls covers up around chin* Clay, what are you doing here!? I’m supposed to be at your place waking you up, not the other way around.”

C “I’m sorry, Jen, honest I am, but I need your help, and I don’t have much time.”

J *jumps out of bed pulling on shoes* “Why?! What’s wrong?”

C “I have to pick the best Valentine poem for mah o-fficial fan club contest, and it’s driving me crazy!!”

J *gives scathing dirty look* “Oooooo, I bet this is how people get that little title of diva after their name, isn’t it?”

CAwwww, Jennifer, Ah really need your help.”

J “Oh, come on, Clay. You woke me up for that?! What time is it? *looks at clock* Clay, it’s six o’clock in the morning! Are you insane? Wait a minute, if you’re here at six, that means you had to get up before five. Let me feel your forehead.”

C “Stop that! Ah’m not sick! Brett’s coming home soon, not mah "soon." mind you, the real soon, and Ah wanted to get this contest finished up so Ah could give him a proper welcome home. Besides, Ah tried not waking you; Ah did. Ah went to Kristy first and told her Ah needed help with a painfully hard problem.”

J “And?”

C “She said she’d heard that from me too many mornings, and she wasn’t taking the bait this time. She shut her door in mah face! You know, Ah thought Ah was bad, but she really is not a morning person. Just to show you how desperate Ah was, last night Ah even e-mailed Nick for help. Ah figured he still owed me from that New Years Eve party. My stomach is still itching where the hair’s growing back.”

J “Was he able to help?”

C “Only if you count him sending me dozens of poems off the message boards all about mah spinning balls as help. Ah swear, Ah couldn’t stand up straight for an hour. It’s a guy thing, Ah guess.” *shudder*

J “All right, come on. *pats other side of bed* I’ll help. I know how much you want to spend extra time with Brett. Besides, how hard can this be?” *grabs half of the papers in Clay’s hand and starts reading*

J “Good heavens! Someone actually worked ‘roasting chestnuts’ into a Valentine's poem."

C * takes paper, reads it and hands it back* “Look closer. That’s ‘rotating chestnuts’.”

J “More spinning…?”

C “Yeah.” *shudders again

J *keeps reading* “Wow, I didn’t think anyone would rhyme ‘supposed.’”

C “Yeah, Ah’m just not sure Ah want to read ‘suck mah toes’ in the middle of a love poem.”

J “You’re right; too much information. Seriously, though, most of these are really, really good.”

C “Ah know, Ah know. That’s what Ah’ve been trying to tell you! They’re beautiful. Ah’m having trouble choosing. It’s like trying to pick mah favorite songs for a CD, and you know what trouble that got me and Jaymes into last time.”

J “That’s an idea.”

C “Having Clive yell at me again?”

J “No, singing each one. You sing under your breath all the time. If you sing them, one poem might just jump out at you as your favorite.”

C “Ah don’t know. Maybe.”

J “Besides, I think your fans would enjoy knowing that you’re not singing covers for a change.”

C “S’true.”

tune in next time for mor…

C “Hey, look! Somebody found something to do with balls besides just spin them!” *eye waggle*

J “I don’t even want to know, Aiken.”

…for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Monday, February 19, 2007

J: *flips on the light* "Wake up, Sleep… Hey, you’re already up. What gives?"

C: "Got too much to do. Can’t sleep."

J: "Woah, who are you and what have you done with Cl…Wait a minute. It looks like there was an explosion in here!"

C: "Quit exaggerating, Jennifer. Ah’m just in the mood to do some real cleaning and Ah’ve been movin’ around so much what with spending time with mama and Brett, and Ah’m really, really thankful he’s home, you know, thank you, Jesus, but Ah’ve been traveling to concerts - hey, did you know they played 'Hail to the Chief' for me last night? - they all think it was because of the Bush impersonator that was there, but it was really because Ah hooked Steven up with a shirt from mah boy Kreativv - that’s with a K and two Vs - *hand sign* and then there was Jimmy and tons of balloons - hey, do you have any idea how funny Jimmy sounds when he sucks on all those balloons and sings the Candy song? Say did you know Gabrielle gave me three presents and only gave Jimmy two? *giggle* But it’s not like it’s a competition or anything and then Ah was takin’ the red-eye to Washington and sitting in meetings all day and catching the plane home for dinner, and …"

J: "Oh my God! You’re having a sugar rush, aren’t you? Where’s that 10-lb bag of candy hearts you brought home from Kimmel?"

C: *hides something behind back* "Ah don’t know what you’re talkin’ about"

J: How many did you eat?"

C: *mumbles* "Not many."

J: *sigh* Give them here. You had enough of those little guys sitting in that bag to make up the lyrics of another entire CD of love songs."

C: *gives dirty look and hands over bag*

J: "Five?!? There are only five candies lef…"

C: *grabs the remaining candies out of her hand and pops them in his mouth* "There. Now they’re gone, so let’s stop talkin’ about them, okay? Now, help me sort through this mess, will ya?"

J: "You know, if you carried a briefcase like a regular adult instead of a backpack, your papers might be easier to sort."

C: "Once a two-strapper, always a two-strap...."

J: *reaching into the backpack* "Ewww, is this a peanut butter sandwich stuck on here?"

C: *grabs bag* "Here, give me that. That was for mah ride home from the concert last night, but Ah was too excited."

J: *smiling* "Did you have fun?"

C: *chewing* "Best time ever."

J: *looking around room* "So, what are we sorting out exactly?"

C: "Ah need to get organized. Ah need a pile for mah Presidential Committee papers and another one for mah Unicef papers…."

J: "What’s that?" *points*

C: "That’s the pile of clothes and stuff Ah need to pack for mah next trip."

J: "Somewhere in Africa? Afghanistan?"

C: "Nah, New York."

J: *eye blink*

C: "Remember, Ah'm doing the Morning Show this week. See? Here’s mah boots for snow and rain and what not, so Ah won’t get mah tennis shoes dirty. Here’s my copy of The Places In Between, so I can carry it around and mah fans can speculate. Remember how Ah like to do that for them? And here’s mah sunscreen…"

J: "Sunscreen? Sunscreen in the winter in New York City? Let me see that. I didn’t even know that made a spf of 200?"

C: "Ah save the stronger stuff for anything south of Raleigh"

J: *stares*

C: "It’s mah freckles, Woman! Now leave me alone!"

J: "What about this? You’re taking mosquito netting to New York?"

C: "Ah found it helps keep mah craz…Ah mean mah overly enthuastic fans from…well, let’s just say Ah sleep better with it hanging around me."

J: "Clever."

C: "Thanks. Don’t lose all these venue contracts, either. After last night, Ah’m really itching to look through those again. Hand me that tour map too, would you? Ah need to look at it again."

J: *hands over map*

C: "No, not the half map. The one of the whole United States this time. Ah'm sure if Ah study it Ah can find Colorado”

J: "Wait, don’t sit down!" *pulls something out from under Clay as he goes to sit on the bed*

C: "Yes!! You found mah sunglasses! Ah have been looking for those things all morning!"

J: "For your Mike and Juliet appearance?"

C: *slips on glasses* "Nope, so Ah can brush mah teeth."

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

J: "Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty."

C: *gets up and rumples hair with one hand while scratching the left side of his butt with the other as he makes his way over to the computer *

J: "Oh my! If only your fans could see you now." *slaps back of hand over forehead and pretends to faint*

C: "Don’t start with me, Woman. You know Ah haven’t been getting much sleep lately, what with writing committee proposals and speeches and such."

J: *smiles* "Oh, all right. I’ll go easy on you this morning"

C: "Thanks" *stands at desk and starts hitting keys*

J: "Why don’t you sit down?"

C: "Does ‘booster shots for the Unicef trip,’ mean anything to you?"

J: "Ah. Sorry." *sets breakfast on edge of desk* "Speaking of writing, are you still trying to figure out what to blog about?"

C: *stares at screen* "Ummm"

J: "Really, I don’t understand. How can jotting down a few lines about what you’ve been up to or thinking about be so hard?"

C: "Ah’m telling you, it just is. Think about it. Ah can’t mention the tabloid contest because Ah’m not even sure about that mahself except, Lord, writing that blog sure felt good! Ah can’t tell them about mah tour yet because we don’t have all the cities set, and you know how the fans like to plan their vacations, buy their tickets, book their rooms, quit their jobs and get rid of their significant others around those dates. Ah don’t want to cause undue panic…yet. Ah can’t tell them about mah Unicef trip because it wouldn’t be wise."

J: "For security reasons?"

C: "Not exactly. Ah just like separating mah celebrity self from mah teaching self. Ah mean, you try explaining a ‘Clay Aiken thong’ to people in a developing nation; although, Ah imagine some kid could make a decent sling shot out of one of those. And Ah don’t want to discuss mah teeth anymore. Ah’m still adjusting to them myself. By the way, Ah need to tell Brett that shouting, "Ah’m blind!" and covering his eyes every time Ah smile in his direction quit being funny a long time ago."

J: "Well, how about blogging another quote? I thought that was a great idea”

C: "Ah thought so too. Trouble is, Ah found out if Ah do that Ah’m gonna need a bigger house. The family room, the guest bedroom, and the guest bathroom are already full of the cross-stitched pillows mah fans sent me from the last quote."

J: "Not to mention my office. *sigh* Ok, no quotes, no Unicef talk, no teeth talk, no contest talk, no tour talk. What about your music? You could talk about that."

C: "They worry enough as it is. If Ah tell them Ah have the lyrics for three songs lying around still unfinished, they’ll think Ah am having some sort of brain aneurysm or emotional breakdown or something instead of just being lazy and wanting to watch NASCAR down in the media room or going off to sing a song with mah friend. And if Ah tell them Ah don’t know when the next CD will be ready, they’ll worry that there is something wrong with mah voice or mah label instead of Jaymes just wanting to be away from me for a while."

J: "It was that last practical joke, wasn’t it?"

C: "Probably. Having the fake cop show up at her door to arrest her for producing one of the worst CDs of 2006 apparently wasn’t as funny as Ah thought.”

J: "So…?"

C: "So Ah’ve just been doing some um, research until Ah can decide what Ah want to blog about."

J: *tries to peek over his shoulder*

C: *moves to block her view*

J: "Wait a minute! Was that one of your message boards I just saw? What a great idea! What a great way to keep your finger on the pulse of your fandom - to read about their hopes and dreams for your career! Are you reading in the Appearances thread?"

C: *blocks her view to the right* "Not exactly."

J: *fakes him out with a move to the left*

J: *eye blink* "Fanfic? You’re reading NC 17 fanfic?!?"

C: "This stuff is pretty good."

J: "Ewww" *hits Clay on shoulder*

C: "Owww. See, Ah knew you wouldn’t understand!"

J: “What’s to understand? I can just imagine what *makes quote signs with fingers* you’re ’researching’.” *walks out of room*

C: "What?" *shouting down hall* "Ah could get a blogging idea here, really, Ah could!"

C: *scrolls down page, mumbling* “Or some other ideas.”

J: *pokes head back in* “Men!”

C: *shuts laptop with a snap* "Remember score-da-tour-a? Well, score-da-house-a hasn’t been much better!!"

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

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Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Saturday, March 3, 2007

J: *goes to open Clay’s bedroom door and it won’t open*

J: *knocks* "Hey, Clay! Your door is locked or something. Open up."

*no answer*

J: *rattles doorknob* "Hey, Clay!"

*still no answer*

J: "Clay, open this door right now or I‘ll, I’ll call somebody to open it...I’ll call your mom!"

C: *opening door* "Good Lord, Jennifer, give me a minute to get over here. Ah didn’t mean to scare you."

J: "Well, you did!"

C: "Why? What were you worried about anyhow? Unless you count me trying to untangle mahself from under Raleigh and Durham’s bodies, Ah wasn’t exactly having an orgy in here."

J: "I don’t know, allergic reactions and stuff. Just silly, I guess, but I worry about you"

C: *smiles* "Ah know, and Ah thank you for that, but the only allergic reaction you have to worry about is if Ah suddenly develop one to ink."

J: "What?…and why was your door locked, anyhow?"

C: "The door wasn’t locked, Jen. Come on in and look. See? It was just the boxes of mah old fan mail that you’ve been bringing in. Some of it got shoved up against the door, that’s all."

J: "Gosh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize there was so much. There’s more, you know. Ever since your mom had that garage sale…"

C: "Ah know, Ah know, and Ah intend to go through each and every one of them; Ah really do, but Ah can’t sign any more at the moment. Ah can’t. Mah wrist is so sore right now that Ah can hardly move mah hand."

C: *lifts box away from door and moans*

J: "Boy, your hand is really hurting, isn’t it?" *grabs the next box*

C: "It’s pretty bad, that’s for sure."

J: "Maybe you could wrap it up or put a wrist brace on it, you know, like they do in bowling. I’m sure they sell something like that at the pharmacy. I bet after a few days it would be good as new"

C: "Yeah. Yeah, maybe that would help." *makes a move for the next box and winces* "Aw, crap!"

J: "What’s wrong?"

C: "Ah can’t do that."

J: "Here, let me get it."

C: "No, Ah didn’t mean the box. Ah meant Ah can’t wrap up mah wrist for a few days. Ah got that bachelor party for one of Nick’s friends tonight. Remember, Nick asked if they could use mah place?"

J: "I remember, but what does that have to do with you wrapping your wrist?"

C: "No way. Ah am not going to a party with a bunch of guys who have been drinking and playing pool and telling those awful bachelor party stories with my wrist all bandaged up."

J: "Why not?"

C: "…because Ah will hear jokes about it all night long."

J: "You’ve been signing fan pictures and answering letters. What’s wrong with that?"

C: "…because the guys won’t care what Ah’ve really been doing. They’ll just make rude remarks about what Ah could have been doing."

J: "…rude remarks about signing your name?"

C: "No." *sigh* "…about how Ah might choose to entertain mahself in mah spare time when Ah’m home alone. You know, that 'master of mah domain' thing and all."

J: *blank stare*

C: They’ll make jokes about me going blind" *raises eyebrows*

J: *even blanker stare*

C: "Oh, for heavens sake, Jennifer, they’ll make jokes about me masterb…" *stops and sighs* "…about me bowling."

J: "Bowling?"

C: "Yeah, that’s right, Jen. They’ll be teasing me because it will look like Ah’ve been bowling too much…alone…and Ah just don’t want to hear them cracking on me all night."

J: "Guys are weird."

C: "Yes, yes we are. Now, would you like to finish helping me get these boxes out of the way? Thank you."

J: "I mean, that’s so silly. Everybody bowls, don’t they? Bowling is fun! Some people bowl alone, some like to bowl with friends. Heck, even I bowl when I’m bored!"

C: "Sweet Jesus, enough with the bowling!"

J: "Well, you don’t have to shout at me! I just can’t figure out what there is to make fun of about bowling. I mean, really, they say it’s America’s sport! Besides, even if your right hand is wrapped, you could still hold the balls with your left one, couldn’t you?"

C: *pushes Jennifer to the door* "Out! Time to get out! Ah can move the rest of the boxes mahself!"

J: "You sure? I don’t mind helping?"

C: "Nope. You’ve helped enough already."

will Clay have enough time to strengthen those wrist muscles needed for signing pictures at the meet and greets of the summer tour?

…do we really want to know how he intends to do that?

…what is Clay Aiken's bowling handicap anyhow?

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Somewhere in a CA condo, still deep in the dark of early morning...

*rinnng…rinnng…rinnng…rinnng*

answering machine picks up

"Leave a message…beep"

J: "Clay, pick up! I know you can hear this. If you don’t pick up now, I’m going to start singing at the top of my voic…"

C: *falls out of bed, stubs toe on dresser and hops to the phone* "Stop! Sweet Jesus, don’t! Don’t sing! Ah’m here!"

J: *smiles* "I thought that might do it."

C: *rubs foot* "What’s wrong? What time is it? Wait. What day is it?"

J: " I think it should be about 5 am your time by now, and there’s no emergency"

C: "What!? I can’t believe you’d call me at 5 am when nothing’s wrong! Besides, you knew Ah’d be in bed at this hour. How did you know you wouldn’t be bothering me? You know, *cough* like interrupting something?"

J: *uncontrolled laughter* "Wait, wait. Let me catch my breath" *snort*

C: "Funny. Very funny."

J: "Clay, I said there wasn’t an emergency. I didn’t say nothing was wrong."

C: "Make it good."

J: "Here, listen."

C: *listens to pitiful, mournful howling over phone* "Ah thought you said you weren’t going to sing?"

J: "Touché. Seriously, I have been awake all night. Durham is just beside himself. First you leave him while you’re off sunning your buns in Brazil...

C: *interrupts* "Ah wasn’t ‘sunning mah buns’, as you put it!"

J: "Don’t give me that, Aiken. I’ve heard about those Brazilian beaches. I don’t even want to know where you had sand sticking!"

C: "You’re just jealous because you had to stay home."

J: "Why would you say that? Just because I was left with the howling, jumping, running, messing, underwear-eating maniacs for a week?"

C: "Ah’m sorry the dogs were so bad. Ah’m sorry…"

J: "Who said anything about the dogs? I was talking about Brett’s Marine buddies."

C: "Oh. Sorry."

J: At least for the Brazilian trip, Durham had your used Kleenex he pulled from the garbage to keep him occupied."

C: "Eww."

J: "What can I say? He loves you."

C: "Well, mah cold is better now so you’re just going to have to think of something else to keep him quiet. Ah’m working! Ah’m getting ready for the summer tour, being fitted for new clothes…and before you say anything, Ah am not getting rid of mah cargo pants! They hold lots of good stuff, and don’t you even let your mind or your mouth take you there, Woman. On top of that, Ah have to work out the music and arrangements and such while Ah'm out here.”

J: “Well, while you’re arranging things, why don’t you arrange for somebody to come in here, bring some sedatives and help clean up the little messes made all over the yard because you’re traveling again.”

C: “Durham gets so upset at mah leaving that he throws up?

J: “I was talking about your fans.”

C: “Speaking of mah fans, you just reminded me of something else Ah have to do. Ah got those exciting things Ah teased, Ah mean Ah told mah fans about in mah blog to work out."

J: "No offense, but your fans would think you doing nothing but standing on stage working yourself out of a pair of skin-tight low riders would be exciting."

C: "That’s just plain nasty…true, but nasty"

J: "Nasty is that beard, Aiken"

C: "Ah'm warning you, don’t start on me about mah beard again! Have you tried letting him sleep in your bed with you?”

J: “I’m sorry. I thought we just discussed my strict policy about not sleeping with hairy males.”

C: "Think you're clever, don't ya.?"

J: *sigh*

C: *sigh* "Let’s face it, Jennifer, Ah really am sorry, but you’re just going to have to figure out a way to deal with Durham while Ah’m traveling. You know Raleigh travels much better on planes. Ah don’t want a repeat of me having to pretend Ah’m coughing every time he barks at the flight attendant walking by. The last one thought Ah was some sort of weirdo. Wait! Don't say it! Truth is, Ah have a lot of traveling to do with Unicef and mah committee meetings in Washington….and Ah’m going to be flying a lot more, what with the concerts being from coast to coast this time…and we’re still working on those other concert dates even farther away and into the fall and winter and … "

*hears more loud, pitiful wailing over the phone*

C: "Jennifer, for heaven’s sake, scratch behind his ear or something!"

J: "That wasn’t Durham that time"

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Jennifer, hearing a blood-curdling scream, runs down the hall into Clay’s room. Avoiding his swinging arms and legs, she shakes him awake.

J: Clay, wake up! Come on. It’s just a nightmare.

C: Don’t! No, please stop! *whimper* *opens wild eyes and looks around* "What? Where am I?"

J: *pats back* "Shhh. It’s ok. It was just a bad dream. You’re safe. You’re at your home."

C: *looks around room* "Oh My God. It was horrible." *shivers* "There was screaming and crying, and it was so real…and people were in pain and calling for me and I couldn’t help them, and I felt so bad and then…did I mention the screaming…?"

J: "Is it the Unicef trip?"

C: "No, I’m not worried about that…I--"

J: "Did you eat anything before going to bed? What about that leftover Big Mac you brought off the plane? You know that stuff is no good for you. Besides, no matter what Jaymes says, visiting the McDonalds in Santa Monica does not constitute being in a foreign country. You can't put the napkin in your collection."

C: "No. I swear." *looks guilty*

J: "What?"

C: *turns away* "Nothing. Listen, I’m going back to bed now. I feel much bet…"

J: "Wait a minute! You read the message boards, didn’t you?! Even after I warned you not to. You should know better!"

C: "I’m sorry! I know I shouldn’t have, but I figured one little peek wouldn’t hurt…"

J: "Good Lord, Clay! What were you thinking?! It’s ticket pre-sale time! It’s venue announcement time!!"

C: *sheepish* "My fans can get a bit out of sorts, can’t they?"

J: "Out of sorts? Out of sorts?! Brokers on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange on a day when the Dow drops 300 points get ‘out of sorts’! World Cup fans in England get 'out of sorts’ when their goalie misses an easy save. These women are truly upset."

C: "Come on, Jen, they’re not that bad. They’re just feisty"

J: *clears throat* "I’m pretty sure ‘feisty’ isn’t the ‘F’ word I see mentioned the most when I’m sorting through the correspondence from all past and current venue managers."

C: "Faithful? Fantastic? Friendly?"

J: "Care to try again?"

C: "No thanks. *cough* Seriously, there are a lot of worries out there. Take the Pala concert for instance. The first rows or so are only being sold to VIPs and high rollers and the seat numbers all weird and whatnot. I could just picture people climbing over each other, pulling hair, wacking on each other’s heads…"

J: "You mean sort of like a regular night at the busses?”

C: “Ha. Ha. Very funny. It’s not just the ticket sales though. They’re upset about lots of things. I mean, 'Moon River'! How can anyone be upset about 'Moon River'? I thought they wanted me to sing that song ever since Diane Sawyer interviewed me. I remember reading that, I swear."

J: "You mean the interview you gave over three years ago?"

C: " Yeah"

J: "Oh my God. You’re such a man!"

C: "Like it or not, I’m taking that as a compliment"

J: *sigh* "Women change their minds, Clay…a lot. Just because they oohed and ahhed over that song a few years ago doesn’t mean they want to hear it now."

C: "Does that mean they'll change their minds about wanting to see me in tight pants, too?"

J: "I said they like to change their minds, Clay. I didn’t say they lose them."

C: "You know, I really don’t mind doing that for my fans…wearing the tight pants and such, even if I have to suck in all night. It's just that the flashing is worse when I wear the tight pants." *sigh*

J: "You could always start enforcing the no camera rule again."

C: "I don’t mean the cameras."

J: "Eww, you mean the other kind of flashing?!”

C: “Yeah...glare from the binocular lenses."

J: “Oh”

C: "Don’t get me wrong. I love them, I do. It’s just sometimes it can all scare me a little. Like it’s all just out of my control"

J: *smiles* "I think the fans probably feel the same way"

C: *yawns* "Jennifer, I’m going to try to get some more sleep.

J: "By more sleep do you mean until June or July?"

C: "Yep."

J: "Gotcha"

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

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Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Jennifer tiptoes in and shuts off the alarm and makes sure the blinds are closed tightly. As she starts to pull the door shut on her way out…

C: “So, I see you’re the reason I’ve been oversleeping the last two days.” *sits up yawning* “I figured it just felt so good to be in my own bed again that I wasn’t hearing you try to wake me.”

J: “Caught red-handed, I guess.”

C: “Mind telling me why?”

J: *looks around the room quickly and spies the open laptop* “Hey, have you been to the message boards? Have you checked out the donations coming in at Unicef?”

C: *beams* “Yeah. My fans are pretty amazing, aren’t they?”

J: “You’re not so bad yourself. According to some, you remind them of Jesus…especially in your traditional Afghani clothes.” *eye waggle*

C: *embarrassed* “You know I don’t…”

J: “Don’t worry; I know, I know. I don’t ever remember reading scripture about Jesus rolling his ring around in his mouth or waving his clothing over his head ‘for the children.’“

C: *sigh* “Ok, that’s enough…”

J: “Heck, I can’t even imagine him burping the alphabet after knocking back a few beers either.”

C: “I apologized for that!”

J: “Yeah, well, my mother says she wants to make sure there’s no beer being used in the Bar-B-Q sauce before she comes back for the next ‘welcome home’ dinner, just so you know.”

C: “Fair enough.” *pulls on sandals and heads for the bathroom* “You know Nick said I reminded him of Obi-Wan Kenobi. What’s up with that?”

J: *giggles* “Maybe it’s because he knows little boys like to play with their light sabers”

C: *eye roll*

J: "You have to admit, the force seems to be with you."

C: "Oh, brother..."

J: "Seriously, the $100,000 is almost reached, and it’s been less than two days.”

C: “Like I said, it’s been amazing. Working with Unicef, meeting with the children, my fans…all of it, amazing. I know I’ve been blessed. But, now are you going to stop trying to change the subject and tell me why you keep making sure I’m waking up late? I barely have time to get out the door for my appointments.” *digging through vanity drawers while scratching chin* “And what’s with all my razors gone missing? I know there was at least one in here when I left.”

J: “You may as well quit looking. I took them. Which is the same reason I’ve been getting you up late as well. I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t have time to shave. Sorry.”

C: “Ok, I’ll bite...and you know that’s just a metaphor, so there’s no call to look so scared. I have to admit though, you're pushing me Woman.”

J: *reaches in pocket and brings out folded piece of paper* “Here. Read this”

C: *eyes widen* “Somebody sent you a note telling you they’d donate an extra $100,000 to Unicef if I shaved off my beard?! Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner? Why did you hide my shaving things?”

J: *reaches into the other pocket for another note* “Because this person said they’d double that if you didn’t”

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Monday, April 23, 2007

Quietly, Clay pushes backward with his hip as he closes the door to his darkened bedroom, still balancing a half gallon of Breyers Peach ice cream, two bottles of Guarana, a bowl of mac and cheese and a pulled pork sub with extra onions.

J: *flips on light* “Hold it right there!”

C: *screams in highest register sending Raleigh and Durham into barking fit* “Sweet Jesus, Jennifer! Are you trying to give me a heart attack!?”

J: “No, but I can’t say the same about your diet at the moment. Look at that crap!”

C: *fumbles as he tries to hide the Breyers under his Salwar Kameez* “I can’t help it! I’m starving! I hardly had a thing to eat while I was traveling. What with my allergies and the religious restrictions concerning pork, not to mention the appalling lack of a McDonalds in Afghanistan, I’m wasting away!”

J: *snort*

C: “Yeah, well…”

J: “Yeah, well, you need to get back to wearing traditional American clothing, Clay…as traditional as five year old cargo pants, flip-flops and three shirts can be. Besides, as comfortable….and expandable…as they are, you’re not going to be able to wear your Afghani clothing on

tour.”

C: *picks bits of macaroni out of folds of his pattu* “I don’t know, the drawstring in these pants feel mighty fine.”

J: *slaps hand* “To quote a wise man, ‘All done darlin!’

C: *smirk* “You said I was wise. I'll be sure to remind you of that on occasion” *wink*

J: “Get over yourself Aiken. Your fans will be expecting American styled pants, preferably one, no, make that two sizes too small and made of jeans…and a tucked in shirt…with a belt.”

C: “Fine.” *sigh*

J: “Ok, let’s just check out your ‘breakfast’.” *finger quotes*. "Any fruit, vegetables?

C: "Onions are vegetables!"

J: "Any vegetables not covered in pork drippings?”

C: “Ha! Funny. First of all, you know this ain’t my breakfast. It’s 4 o’clock in the afternoon, and secondly…say, wait a minute. Do we have any collard greens? Maybe hiding in one of those Tupperware things out there?”

J: “First, that’s because your days and nights are turned around, and secondly, get a grip! You just woke up!”

C: “Need I remind you that the ice cream, that at this moment is melting down my shorts, is full of all sorts of good things, like peaches and milk…and…and…”

J: “Oh, for heaven’s sake. Give me all that stuff!! I’ll go fix you something decent.”

C: *snatches the mac and cheese* “Who says I like decent?”

J: *jumping up* "I'll remember that the next time the tabloids call."

C: “You think you’re cute don’t ya?” *holding bowl over head* “What if we just scrambled a few eggs in with this...maybe with some bacon?”

J: *pokes Clay in the ribs and snatches bowl back* “What if we have a nice half of grapefruit and a poached egg on the side?”

C: *rubs side* “Sure. Great.” *watches as Jennifer heads for the kitchen while checking one more time for scraps* *mutters* “Dang, I knew I’d miss that beard.”

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

*Clay opens one eye to see Jennifer sitting on the floor next to the bed smiling at him*

C: “What’s that grin for? Durham make it outside this morning instead of in your shoes?”

J: “Nope, unfortunately. Just happy you’re home for a change.”

C: “Uh huh. Usually there’s a reason for a smile that big this early in the day.”

J: “Seriously, nothing special. You’ve just been on the go so much that we’ve hardly had time to visit."

C: *arches eyebrow*

J: "I mean it! For instance, I wanted to tell you congratulations on your award from the NCLD.”

C: “Thanks. That one felt good.”

J: “And Unicef! Your campaign for Unicef went well. Lots of money was raised for work in Afghanistan.”

C: “Yep. I’m very proud of everyone who donated, fans and non-fans alike. Together we all made a difference...but we already talked about that last week. Remember?”

J: “Yes. That’s true." *wipes hands on pants* "But...but I didn’t tell you how great you did on those interviews! The one on that radio show and at The Today Show were excellent. You sounded really intelligent!”

C: “You mean as opposed to how I normally sound…?”

J: “Stop that. You know what I meant”.

C: “Anything else…?” *smirk*

J: “Well, uh, your mom did some fine dancing the other day, don’t you think?"

C: *nods* "She did."

J: "And...and the BAF raised a lot of money at the Southern Woman’s Day booth, too.”

C: *grins slowly* “Yes, that’s true. But, tell me, Jen, what is it you’re not asking that I think you want to?”

J: “Is it true?”

C: “Is what true?”

J: “Did you ask her?”

C: *grins bigger* “What?”

J: “Come on. I need to know. Please! Did you ask her? The other night at dinner, was it worth the $2,000 Paul Smith suit and the $200 dinner???”

C: “I didn’t think I’d ever get up the nerve. Imagine a red-headed dork like me and Tyra Banks.”

J: “Well…did you?!”?!

C: “All right, yes, I asked her. I popped the question!!" *giggle* "...and it was worth every penny!”

J: “What did she say?”

C: “I didn’t think I’d have the nerve to go through with it. The night before I was so scared; everything was freaking me out. I even tried to cut my own hair, and I almost called to cancel the dinner, but I didn’t. And when I got there my hands started sweating, and I was talking so fast I sounded like a mosquito buzzing in my own ear. I swear I was a mess!”

J: *shakes Clay’s shoulders* “Oh my God! Tell me what she said!!”

C: *shy grin* “She said YES!”

*jumps up, holds hands, squeals and spins around the room with Clay*

J: “I knew she would! I knew it! See, didn’t I tell you?”

C: “Yes you did, Jennifer.” *hug* “I don’t think I would have had the courage to ask without knowing you were here for support, so thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.”.

J: “There was never a doubt in my mind. Now you're sure she’ll have every TV in every room tuned in?”

C: “Yep, all of them...and she promised all the Next Top Model contestants will be required to watch Jericho, too.”

*high fives*

J&C: “Excellent. Now on to Kimmel!

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay...just as soon as you finish watching your TiVo of Jericho

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Sunday, May 13, 2007

J: “So are you going to tell me yet?”

C: *grunts* “Well, good morning to you too, Sweetheart”

J: “It was just a sight gag, right?”

C: *looks at the clock and pulls blankets over head* “Maybe.”

J: “…because I can understand that kind of joke…even if it’s not my kind of humor...I could ‘get it,’ you know?”

C: “Mmumm, right. Now shut off the lights. It’s 6 am…just two hours since the last time you came in and asked me the same questions. If I’m lucky I can still manage a few hours of sleep before I have to get up”

J: *muses* “…but really, the ‘a little hoarse’ joke would be funny, too.”

C: “Yep, it would.” *burrows deeper under covers*

J: “Nah, that just seems too simple for you. I mean, I know how you love your little practical jokes. By the way, the dry cleaning bill from the ‘Vaseline on the doorknobs’ incident last week is laying on your desk.”

C: “Fine. Whatever it is, it was worth it to see y'all struggling.” *muffled laughter*

J: “Little boys never grow up, do they?”

C: “Little? What sites have you been reading, Darlin’?” *snort*

J: *sigh* “Well, if it wasn’t just a sight gag, and it had nothing to do with your laryngitis, then what? What? I just can’t believe you’d go through all that just to tie in the clip of the donkey.”

C: *lifts head off bed* “Now that was funny! My ass just wouldn’t move!”

J: “Yeah, and the donkey didn’t want to go either.”

C: “True” *flops down again*

J: *frowns* "And by the way, I think you need to watch the swearing again.”

C: “Sure ‘nuff. As long as you don’t poke me with a stick in my butt, we should be fine”

J: “Don’t give me any ideas. I just don’t want to have to hide all the bars of soap in the house the next time your mom comes over like I did the last time.”

C: “Much appreciated.”

J: “You’re welcome” *stares at Clay while thinking* “That Seacrest thing never happened, did it? I mean, I saw it on the boards, but…”

C: *giggles* “I crack myself up.”

J: “…but it didn’t happen…right…?”

C: “Listen, I keep telling you - if you have to explain a joke, it’s not funny anymore, so quit asking!”

J: “Well, I’m trying to figure out if it was funny in the first place!”

C: *sits up* “Did you laugh when you saw me up there on Taco?”

J: “Yes, but…”

C: “Then it was funny! End of joke!”

J: *humph*

…tune in next time for more adventures of …

C: “Just go ask Diane Sawyer if you don’t believe how stubborn I can be when I don’t want to discuss something!!!”

J: *sticks out tongue*

(knock it off, you two!) …more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay: Special Edition

what2.jpg

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

*phone rings, 5 am at Jennifer’s apartment*

C: “Jennifer?”

J: “Why are you calling me? Did I oversleep?” *looks at clock* “Oh my God, Clay, what’s wrong?”

C: “Where’s my laptop? It was here when I went to bed. Where is it now? And my Blackberry, and my…”

J: “It’s for your own good, Clay. It’s like an intervention.”

C: “This is like the scissors, isn’t it? I told you I wasn’t going to try to cut may own hair again, but you just don’t trust me. Have you ever tried opening a new CD without scissors? I think I scratched my new veneers! And all the soap is still missing. I know you hid that because of my mama coming over - thank you, Jesus - but you need to put it back or tell me where you hid it because I’m telling you, washing with Raleigh’s doggie shampoo just isn’t cutting it. Besides, I think I’m confusing Durham.”

J: “This is different. You’re obsessing. See what time it is?”

C: ”Just because a fella wants to stay current and up on the news and whatnot, I don’t see how you can call that obsessing.”

J: “There’s television and radio for the news, Clay. Be honest ."

C: “All right!!! All right. I need to find out if they’re renewing Jericho, and I can only do that online! Plus, I’ve already used up the charge on every cell phone Quiana owns, though I don’t know how that’s possible…”

J: “She shut them all off, Clay. You were waking Chamberlin calling every hour.”

C: “All the more reason I need my computer! I need to IM her to see if she’s heard anything.”

J: “Think of this like a jury trial, Clay. The longer they’re out for deliberation, the better chance we have of avoiding the death penalty. What's that wheezy squeek? Are you hyperventilating again? Your paper bag is by the bed. Go get it”

*hears heavy breathing*

J: “You know, I should record some of this and get it on YouTube before the summer tour. You’ll sell out every venue.”

C: “Funny.” *breath in* “Very funny” *breath out*

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

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Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Friday, May 25, 2007

Waking to the sound of papers being rustled nearby, Clay opens one eye. Split seconds later, he sits bolt upright with eyes as wide as saucers and watches Jennifer.

C: “What in the Good Lord’s name are you doing, Jennifer, and do you mind if I ask what my new fire pit is doing sitting in the middle of my bedroom?”

J: “Gathering”

C: “Gathering? Gathering what?”

J: “Let’s see. I think this paper is the petition you went door-to-door to get all your neighbors to sign to have Jericho moved from CBS to the TNT network -- or, as you put it, ‘From the Can’t Believe they’re this Stupid network to the This Network is for Thinkers.' By the way, the Mendlesons called to thank you for singing that lullaby to their new little baby girl to get her to sleep while you were there. They said they hadn’t had any time alone together since she was born, and Mr. Mendleson said he especially thanks you -- to the point that he vowed to play A Thousand Different Ways at the construction site where he works even if he gets the crap beat out of him. *pulls out more papers* This looks to be the 30-page dissertation you sent to the producers advancing the theory that if they bring Jericho back, the world would be a better place to live. *reads over it* I especially liked section sixteen, paragraph four when you explained that you would have more time for your different humanitarian works if you weren't sitting at home organizing campaigns to bring back the show. *throws papers down and drags over a burlap bag* And, as you know, this is the 15-lb bag of peanuts you intend to send the network executives with the note inside saying, ‘You’re Nuts!’ *picks up notebook* Last, but not least, here are the fifteen new songs you’ve written about love lost and lost love and the promise of hope and all that other sappy stuff inspired by the show’s cancellation. There. I think that’s all of it.

*places everything in fire pit and pulls candle lighter from pocket*

C: “Jennifer, you’re scaring me. What are you doing fiddling with my Luminere?’

J: “First of all, I’m not going to touch your Luminere! But I do intend to burn all of your crap with this lighter. This is payback, Clay Aiken. I warned you.”

C: *voice two octaves away from breaking glass* “Warned me about what?!”

J: “I warned you not to scare me anymore. You know how I hate creepy crawly things! *stamps foot* I didn’t mind you floating Guillermo’s moustache in my bowl of Cheerios the other morning because you agreed to clean up the mess …”

C: *bites lip not to snicker* “And I did”

J: “And I survived you tying that fishing line to the end of that disgusting thing and dragging it across my foot under my office desk even though it took me an hour to reorganize my papers and…”

C: *muffled laughter* “You’re killing me here, Jen.”

J: “…and I had to change my pants and…”

C: *chokes back cackle*

J: “But this is uncalled-for!!”

C: *wipes tear from eye* “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Jen, but…”

J: “No buts! You want to see Armageddon? Watch this!” *gets ready to torch the mess*

C: “Wait! Wait!! *jumps out of bed and grabs lighter out of Jennifer’s hand*

J: “You’re right; fire might not destroy everything. *walks over and opens door to hallway* "Durham!! Come here, boy!! I have some nice papers for you to play with!!!!”

C: “I’m sorry! Really, I am. You know how I love to joke around.”

J: “Yeah, but this last one was too much!!!”

C: “You’re not gonna hit me, are ya? You know how I bruise.” *eyes Jennifer carefully* “What last one are you talking about?”

J: “You know, the one in the shower just now. Didn’t you notice that my hair’s dripping wet?”

C: “Well, actually I think I was too terrified by the impending fire to notice, but honestly, Jen, my moustache is right here. Look” *pulls open desk drawer and holds up moustache*

J: *starts running around in circles* “Ew, ew, ew,ew, ew, ew…”

C: “What’s the matter now?”

J: “If your mustache is in here, then what’s that black fuzzy thing sitting next to the faucet in my shower??!?”

C: “S’ok, Jen. You put back my papers all nice and proper, and I’ll go kill that nasty 'ol moustache.”

J:Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew….”

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

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Which brings us to today...*whew*

I've had this skit ready since yesterday morning. For different reasons I waited to post and then the great OFC shut down happened. Clearly not the time for jokes. In fact, I debated posting this skit at all. After Clay's blog last night you can see it's no where near reality...but then, none of them are! LOL.

So, without further yapping, I present to you the trip that never was.

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Friday, June 8, 2007

Somewhere in a hotel room in Paris, Texas, a telephone rings

J: “Where are you?”

C: “We really need to work on your people skills, Darlin’”

J: “I’m sorry. You’re right. Please excuse my manners. Good morning, Clay; where the hell are you?!”

C: *rolls over and scratches nether regions* “Much better. And, for your information, at this moment, I am, *rustling noises* in 'the home of the infamous 12-foot tall "Jesus with cowboy boots" statue.'” *mutters* "I might ought to go see that"

J: “You’re reading the brochures out of the hotel room dresser again, aren’t you?”

C: “I hate to give up all my geek vices, Sweetheart, even if I am a ‘pop sensation’ now and not just an ‘Idol runner-up.’" *giggle* "Thanks for the wake up call. I was afraid of missing my flight.”

J: “What are you doing there in the first place, Clay? I mean, last I heard you’re flying all over Canada with David on his private jet, singing for governors and premiers and people like that. Now all of a sudden I hear you telling reporters you’re on your way to Paris…you know…like Eiffel Tower Paris, and then I get a text message to call you. This is strange even for you, Aiken.”

C: “I guess I’ll take that as a compliment." *stretches and sighs* You know I was supposed to leave before David went to Toronto. He had commitments there, and I needed to get home to mine, but when I tried to get a commercial flight back to the U.S., the flight staff refused to seat me. A representative from CATSA said something about my ‘wild and dangerous in-flight behaviors’ and a US air marshal invoked the Aviation and Transportation Security Act on my butt. I have no idea what they’re talking about, do you? Anyhow, David was kind enough to let me bum a ride with him.”

J: “I thought he was going to Las Vegas.”

C: “He did, but I stayed with his jet and pilot.”

J: “…and now you’re lying in a bed in a hotel room in Paris…?”

C: “Texas, Jen….Paris, Texas. It’s where Robert’s family lives”

J: “…and Robert is?”

C: “The pilot, Jen. Try to follow along here, okay? Robert had vacation time scheduled with his wife and kids.”

J: “…and they must live in…Paris.

C: “Texas. Yep, that’s it; the ‘Second Largest Paris in the World’. I’ve been sitting here killin’ time, but we’ll be leaving shortly. I should be home by tonight. I’ve already contacted Renshaw to figure out what’s up with the airlines mess.”

J: “I could have saved you the time and the money. There’s an article in one of the rags about you being difficult on a flight.”

C: “Me? Difficult?!”

J: *snort* “Imagine that.” *snort*

C: “Come on, Jen…”

J: “Oh, don’t be so sensitive. You know I’m teasing. The article said you were ‘odd’…and that you ordered milk and said ‘duh!’ and sat crossed legged on the floor with your laptop on your lap and took off your shoes and socks and they smelled bad and your ‘female assistant’ looked horrified and you were afraid someone would come up and ask you for an autograph.”

C: “Yeah, yeah, but get to the point, Jen. What did they say about me being difficult?”

J: “That’s it. You know, sort of like you are at home.”

C: “Really? That’s it?” *sigh of relief* “Thank God.”

J: “Why? What else did you do?”

C: “I thought they might have been upset about the nail clippers”

J: “The what?”

C: “Nail clippers. You know, as in no one thinking it’s very attractive for me to be bitin’ my toenails any more. I was afraid they might be illegal to have in a carry-on on the plane, and you know how you and Jamie have been at me to let my bangs grow out since the last time I " *finger quotes* 'trimmed' my hair and you hid the scissors -- by the way, once again I want to remind you that I am not a child, and I did promise not to run with them -- but you know how I hate those things hanging in my eyes -- especially when I’m typing my petition letters to CBS and whatnot -- *looks heavenward* thank you, Sweet Jesus, it worked!! -- and I was trying. . .”

J: “You’re sounding like Alvin the Chipmunk again, Clay. Stop and breath.”

C: *takes deep breath* “Well, I was trying to watch The Riches on my laptop, and my hair kept getting in my eyes, and I finally just had enough, so I went into the bathroom with my nail clippers.”

J: “Ah. That explains the spikes.”

C: “Exactly.”

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay

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Morning Adventures of Jennifer Janice and Clay

Sunday, June 24, 2007

J: *flips on light and shouts* “Time to wake up, Mr. Aiken!”

C: *suppresses girly scream, falls out of bed, bounces up and pulls the sheets from the bed to cover his already t-shirt covered chest*

“What the fu…I mean, who the hell are you?!”

J: “You don’t swear like this all the time, do you? Because if you do, I can see where we’re going to have a problem right from the start.”

C: *stares* “What? Wait a minute.” *looks around room* “You do you know you broke into my house, don’t you?”

J: “Broke in? I most certainly did not break in! I was told to be here today at noon sharp!”

C: “ Sure you were, Honey, but whatever voices told you that, I think they were mistaken. Besides, if you’re not careful, I’ll sic my dogs on ya, so why don’t you just turn right around and leave the way you…”

*Raleigh and Durham come bouncing into the room and start licking the stranger’s hands and legs*

C: “Awww, I’m screwed.”

J: “Is that some sort of proposition?! Favor or no favor, I’m out of here.” *stuffs envelope in Clay’s hand*

C: “Hey, this is Jennifer’s handwriting.“

J: “She wanted you to read it as soon as possible. I told her I wasn’t going to put up with any of your rock star nonsense, but she kept telling me you weren’t like that.”

C: “Rock star nonsense? What rock star nonsense?” *backs towards phone*

J: “Just look at this place. There are bits and pieces of clothing thrown all over your room, not to mention down the hall and in the foyer. It’s well past noon and you’re still in bed. I think it’s pretty clear what goes on around here.”

C: “Which would be…?”

J: “Wild, all night, Hollywood kind of parties from the looks of it!”

C: “Listen lady, the only wild all night party I’ve had here lately is with a gallon of peach ice cream. I just happen …”

J: *slaps hands over ears* “Eww, I don’t need to hear about your fetishes!”

C: “As I was saying, I just happen to be a slob. Now why don’t you let me read this here letter while we’re waiting for the police to arrive, ok?”

Dear Clay,

I hope you don’t mind. I was so tired of getting all your postcards from far away exotic places like New York, Paris, London, Charlotte...and realizing I had never been anywhere…ever. I decided I wanted to see the world for myself. You are such a good, true and loving friend. I knew you would be happy for me in this decision and would support me as I have always supported you.

C: *looks up and mutters ‘crap!’*

J: “Does your mother know you eat with that mouth?”

I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, but I thought my cousin Janice could step in and do the job until I return. I didn’t have much time to fill her in on everything, but she’s a fast learner and she has great organizational skills, she’s smart, and small animals seem to love her. I think you’ll like her. Just one thing -- she really, really hates swearing….even more than your mama, I think. Just mind your manners, and I think you two will hit it off just fine.

Ciao! *g*

Jennifer

J: *stands with arms crossed, tapping foot* “ I don’t know why this should matter, but she also told me to point out that my name starts with the letter ‘J.' She said you’d understand.” *raises eyebrow* “This isn’t anything kinky, is it?”

C: “Oh, Dear Lord.”

J: *huffs* “I can see this arrangement might not be to either of our liking, Mr. Aiken, so I guess I’ll just show myself out. I’ll let Jennifer know things didn’t work out the way she planned. She can just turn around and get back here to whatever arrangement you two have.” *rolls eyes*

C: “Hold on a minute.” *sigh* “I don’t know if I’m going to regret this, but why don’t we try starting over.” *holds out hand* “It’s good to meet you, Janice, is it? Please, call me Clay.”

J: *carefully steps forward to shake hands and notices white powder on Clay’s fingers* “Oh Good Lord! Get yourself into rehab Mr. Aiken before it’s too late!”

C: “Wait, don’t run off! It’s just the powder from the Krispy Kremes.” *watches as Janice heads towards the front door* “What did Jennifer tell you about me anyhow?”

Will Janice give Clay a chance to explain?

Will Clay learn to clean up his language as well as his room?

Will Janice and Clay ever share a dish of peach ice cream, and if so will she keep her eyes on him?

tune in next time for more adventures...with whom, I'm not sure

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C: “Wait, don’t run off! It’s just the powder from the Krispy Kremes.”

:spit: :lmaosmiley-1:

MMMMMMM, doughnuts.... <Homer Simpson voice

donut.gif

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Laughn: that was my favorite part too...just the thought of Clay with white powder cracks me up...Krispy Kreme indeed!

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Oh, very cute.

Now which scene is it that we get to watch Clay carefully lick each and every slender finger slowly clean??

:medium-smiley-070:

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Glad you're enjoying... :F_05BL17blowkiss:

I'll have to write in some finger licking for you next time treenuts. hee.

Morning Adventures of Jennifer, Janice and Clay

Sunday, July 1, 2007

J: *flips on light and shouts* "Time to wake up, Mr. Aiken!"

C: "Sweet Jesus, Janice, you have got to quit doing that. You scare the shi…" *looks at Janice* "…stuffings out of me every time."

J: "I'm sorry, Mr. Aiken. I know it's a little earlier than normal, but I needed to speak to you about the arrangements here at home while you're away on tour."

C: "Earlier than normal? What time is it?" *rolls over and sees 7:00 staring at him in red LED numbers* "Seven a.m….Seven a.m.?" *eye blink* "Are you crazy?! This is my last weekend at home for weeks, and I distinctly remember saying that I wanted to sleep in. 'Sleep in' as in, 'Are you alive or are you dead, Mr. Aiken; Do you intend to eat supper in bed as well as breakfast and lunch; If this feather under your nose doesn't move soon, Mr. Aiken, I'm notifying next of kin.' That's what I mean by 'sleep in,' Janice.

J: "I'm sorry, Mr. Aiken, but some things were just bothering me, and I didn't get any rest all night worrying about them, and I needed to talk to you as soon as poss…."

C: *looks at Janice's worried face and holds up hand to shush her* "S'ok, Janice." *sigh* "Come on, sit down and tell me what's bothering you." *pats end of bed*

J: "See, that's part of the problem."

C: "What is?"

J: "Expectations."

C: *blank stare*

J: "You know the old saying, 'Beware of Geeks bearing gifts.' I just…"

C: *holds up hand again* "Wait a minute. Isn't that supposed to be…" *looks at Janice's puzzled face* "Never mind. Go on."

J: "Like I was saying, I really appreciate you giving me that new iPhone and all, but it's a very expensive gift and I'm afraid I'm not willing to 'pay the price', if you know what I mean."

C: "Price? There is no price, Janice."

J: "So you aren't expecting any 'special favors'…" *finger quotes* "…in exchange for this gift?"

C: "Nothing more than what's called for in your regular job description…and that one special thing we talked about. I just wanted to make sure everyone I care about; know; or have ever met at a meet and greet, restaurant, recording studio or on an airplane has one." *mutters* "Except that flight attendant who questioned my choice of beverage." *clears throat* "I just think they're cool."

J: "Well, thank you, but, we still might have a problem…you know, with that 'special thing' we talked about. I'm not sure I'm ready to take that step with you yet. I know you and Jennifer had a much closer, more personal relationship, but I'm not sure I'm ready to do for you what she did…if you get my drift."

C: "I do, and that's ok, Janice. I understand. I would never want to make you feel obligated or forced into doing anything that would compromise your principles. Besides, I think there are other people out there who would be willing to meet my needs."

J: "Really? You mean I'm not obligated?"

C: "Nope. I'm perfectly capable of finding help in that department, and if I can't, I'm sure it won't hurt me to do it myself for a change. Believe me, before I became famous I took care of it myself…a lot." *wink*

J: "Thank you, Mr. Aiken, and thank you for the new phone. I think it's beautiful!" *smiles*

C: "You're welcome. I think it's beautiful, too. Now I should be able to watch myself on You Tube without needing to set up my compu…I mean, I'm sure I'll find a lot of practical uses for it like blogging to my fans and whatnot."

*watches Janice walk down the hall, takes out his own iPhone and starts scrolling*

C: "Crap, now I have to find someone who's willing to drop what they're doing anytime, day or night, and fly to me with my spare keys or phone or anything else I might lose.

tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer or Janice or whomever he hires to help him remember things, on the road somewhere with Clay

Edited by laughn

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to anyone who might be reading, hope this gives you a smile.

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

(or Janice or Jerome or Jamie, or whoever else is waking the man up at the moment)

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Jerome: “Come on, Clay, wake up!”

C: “What? Where am I?”

J: “You’re in the same spot I left you 20 minutes ago - checking out your bed on the new tour bus.”

C: *sits up, swipes back hair, and wipes drool off chin*

J: “I understand you had a few nights of partying at the wedding, Son, but you’ve got to stop falling asleep everywhere I leave you.”

C: *yawn* “It wasn’t the wedding. It was staying up all night covering the rivets on my jeans with black magic marker.”

J: “What?!”

C: “Never mind.” *eyes blinking* “I’m fine now. Really, I’m awake.”

J: “That’s what you said when I left you standing by the bus door and ran back to get the keys. Falling asleep under the wheels of a potentially moving vehicle is a dangerous thing, Clay.”

C: “…but it was nice and cool in the shade under there…”

J: “Here, maybe this will help wake you up. Your personal mail just caught up with us.” *tosses large envelope on bed*

C: “Thanks, Jerome.” *dumps out contents* “Look, some postcards from Jennifer! I sure miss her. Seems like she’s been everywhere! This one is from Rome.” *shows card and smiles* “Apparently she’s been checking out the museums.”

J: That’s beautiful. Is it from a painting?”

C: “I guess it’s a picture off a vase or something.” *looks on back*

click to see Jennifer's postcard from Italy

“Jennifer says, ‘Just heard about your trouble on the plane.’”

J: *looks apologetically at Clay* “I’m sorry about that, Clay…” *sigh*

C: “Over and done, Jerome. Forget it.” *picks up another postcard* “Madrid!”

click to see Jennifer's postcard from Spain

“She writes, ‘Hope the media frenzy dies down soon.’”

J: “Clay, I…”

C: “Hey, here she is in England! Says it’s a picture of a statue outside Buckingham Palace. 'Just thinking of you.’ How thoughtful is that?”

J: *looks at postcard*

click to see Jennifer's postcard from England

“Un-huh. Look, Clay, I’m really, really sorry…”

C: “There's nothing to feel bad about.” *holds up envelope* “Accidents can happen anywhere...just like my feet.” *toe wiggle* “Wonder what this is.”

J: “Looks like it’s from Janice. Maybe she’s asking again if you’re going to be taking the dogs on tour with us.”

C: *tears open envelope* “I hope not. I’ve already told her a dozen times that there’s just no room. As much as I miss them, what with eight people being crammed in here, it’s crowded enough as it is. They’d probably mess on someone’s clothing or whatnot. Besides, when they’re together sleeping on my bed they fight and play all night long. Lord knows I’d never get any...”

*Clay stops reading mid-sentence with a terrified expression on his face*

J: “You’re scaring me, Son” *pries letter from Clay’s hand and reads* “Looks like the pups did some damage back home, huh? Janice says the Love Sacs are destroyed and the carpet is chewed apart.” *looks up at Clay* “What? This little stuff never bothers you…”

C: “Keep reading”

J: “She says it was close, but luckily she was able to salvage your West Wing and Jericho DVDs…Ah!”

C: “You really want to make it up to me for the airplane incident, Jerome?”

J: “Aww, Clay, don’t ask me that. You know how they make me sneeze and get hair on everything when they sleep on me…and you know Durham thinks my shoe is his own personal urinal…”

C: “I know, I know…but how can you expect me to concentrate on my singing every night if I’m worried about my valuable belongings being destroyed. I might forget the lyrics or something.”

J: *stares*

C: “What? I’m serious! Can you imagine how all that worry and angst would look out there on stage?” *waves arms frantically*

J: “Maybe it would give fans that extra emotion some have been missing…?”

C: “Very funny, Jerome. Next plane trip, my feet are going on you.”

tune in next time for more adventures…On The Road -with Clay Aiken

Edited by laughn

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can't tell you how much I enjoy these stories please keep them coming

I check back here every once in while and am never disappointed so funny

Thank you

Frankie :F_05BL17blowkiss:

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Glad you're enjoying them Frankie. :F_05BL17blowkiss: back at cha'

Since I started this silliness it seems I mostly get these brainstorms about every two weeks.

Not sure why. I guess I should check to see what I ate the night before the new idea hits. lol

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heee laughn I can so relate. It's the same with my blog. I never try to force it...when I do I just waste time. And then normally when something strikes me I can write it and post in in less than an hour. The brain works in crazy ways.

Loved your latest entry!!

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Great job, laughn! I love these stories. Only......no licky fingers yet?

Wahhhh

j/k :RedGuy:

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Long time since I wrote one of these. If you're still reading, I hope I made you smile. :F_05BL17blowkiss:

Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Clay wakes up to the sound of barking and pounding coming from the front of the house.

C: “Hey, would somebody get the door?!”

*pulls pillow over head and burrows under covers*

pounding continues

*throws pillow off head* “I said, why doesn’t someb….Ah crap! I’m the only one home, aren’t I? And if I am, then who am I talking to?” *sigh*

*looks at Raleigh and Durham standing in the doorway barking* "And why didn’t I train you two to do this sort of thing? Oh, that’s right. I was too busy training you…” *looks at Raleigh* “…to be cute and cuddly and you…” *looks at Durham* “…to pee on my shoes.”

pounding continues

*shouts* “All right, give me a minute!”

*mutters* “And how did whoever you are get past the security code on the gate?”

*looks over at pile of dirty clothes and picks something up* “That is disgusting.” *turns and looks at another pile of even dirtier clothing*

*pulls out a shirt from the first pile and puts it on*

*tries pulling it lower* ”What’s wrong with this thing…?” *looks down to read*

Rest Your Arm On My Head And I’ll Kick Your Ass

“Dang, I thought I gave Sean all his shirts back. Yeah, I’m coming. Keep your shirt on!”

*keeps working to pull shirt lower and mutters* “Lord knows I wish I could.”

*opens door still rubbing eyes and yawning* “Can I help you and how did you get up to my front door without the secur…?”

*stops talking and stares at the drop dead beautiful woman standing at his door*

*squeaks* “Can I help you?”

*clears throat, stands up straighter and lowers his voice two octaves* “I mean, can I be of assistance?”

Woman at door: “Pardon, monsieur. Je parle un peu, er, une minute! Je ne sais pas…er…merde!” (Pardon, Sir. I speak a little, er...one minute. I do not know...er....shit!) *holds up hand and uses fingers to show ‘little’* “…ummm…” *said in halting English* “I think I belong to you.”

C: *mind runs through every fantasy ever had of Santa leaving this woman on his doorstep and realizes none of them had her speaking French.* “Damn. I mean, I’m sorry…”

*clears throat* "I think you must have the wrong house, Miss…”

W: “Non, monsieur…ici…, er…here…” *hands Clay a piece of paper with a phone number on it*

C: *looks at number* “Hmm, this seems familiar. Didn’t I write this on a wall or something?”

W: *points to the back of the note*

C: “Ah, this is Jennifer’s number! She wants me to call?”

W: “Oui! Call!”

C: *starts patting down pants looking for phone* “Now, I just have to remember where I left my phone.”

W: *reaches forward and pulls Clay’s iPhone out of his pocket and hands it to him* *blushes* “Votre téléphone.” (Your telephone)

C: *calls* “Hello, Jennifer! What’s going on? Um-hummm. Yes, she’s here now. Yes. Yes, I’m sure by just looking at her that she’s very qualified…” *gives woman another look* ”…whatever that means. What?! Wait! What do you mean you lost me in a card game? No, you can’t do that! You can’t gamble with your job here…which by the way you're dangerously close to…Do they even have Gambler's Anonymous in Monte Carlo? What?! No! She cannot stay here until you get back! I don’t care! The fact that she just broke up with her boyfriend and doesn’t have a place to stay doesn’t make one bit of difference to me. Jennifer! Jennifer, no! Don’t you hang up! Don’t…”

W: *points to pocket* “Ummm, is another iPhone?”

C: “What? No, no other phone.” *shakes head and sighs* “Listen…”

W: *still starring at pants* “Je pense je t’aime” (I think I love you)

C: “I’m sorry lady, I'm not sure you understand all this, but you can’t stay here. I’m not some sort of hotel for…”

W: *bats big brown eyes*

C: “I mean, it wouldn’t be proper and whatnot for you to be staying here and us not knowing each other and…”

W: *bats eyes even bigger*

C: “Seriously, fans would probably start writing my mom again, then I'd...”

W: *bats big brown eyes and bites lower lip*

C: *mutters* “Well, maybe there’s an empty room in here somewh…"

*feels something warm and wet and looks down to see Durham with his leg lifted*

C: “Good Lord, Durham, what’s the matter with you!?!” *hops around shaking foot* ”Listen, Lady, you’ve really got to go. As much as it pains me, you just can’t stay here. I’ll be glad to call you a taxi and recommend a good hotel, but I can't let you stay. I'm sorry. Really, I am. Good-bye”

*closes front door and hops to bathroom, picking up a towel off the floor to wipe off foot*

*tosses towel down and walks back to entryway to Durham sitting there smiling with his tongue hanging out.

"Thanks, Boy. I guess you’re not as dumb as I thought.”

tune in next time for more adventures of Clay and whomever decides to wake him up next

Edited by laughn

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Hey, Couchie, those are the best subtitles I could manage given my three lousy (C+) years of high school French. :cryingwlaughter:

Frankie, I'm glad you're still here, and still laughing. Thanks. :F_05BL17blowkiss:

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Frankie, hope you're still here...couchie, I don't think that's possible :lol:

Author’s note: Since I am not sure if Jennifer is even in the employ of Clay at the moment and since I like to make my insanely silly, 100% fictional conversations as realistic as possible, *snort* even though the title will remain “Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay,” be forewarned: you never know who you’ll find hanging out with Mr. Aiken in the early morning hours from now on.

Morning Adventures of Clay and Co.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Clay snoring softly and talking in his sleep…”How hard can it be, people? Kalamazoo, Michigan, 11-30”…wakes to the sound of Raleigh and Durham barking furiously and someone shaking his shoulder

Clay: looking out blurry-eyed from under the covers… “Mom, I’ve told you once, I’m not saying it again. I will not write ‘I will not use the word brainfart during the Christmas tour because it is vulgar’ 1000 times in that notebook you gave me. I don’t care how many times you try…”

Mrs. Propes: It’s me, Clay.

C: quickly sitting up and pulling the covers up around his neck “Mrs. Propes! What are you doing here?! Your name doesn’t even start with the letter ‘J’”

MP: perplexed “What?”

C: rubs eyes “Never mind”

MP: “When you didn’t answer your home phone, your iPhone, your iTouch, your blackberry, or your email I figured you overslept. I’ve traveled with you before, remember? We were supposed to be at the airport 20 minutes ago.”

C: checks clock “Crap!”

MP: “Good idea. Those airplane bathrooms are worse than those squat toilets we had to use in Afghanistan.”

C: “No, I don’t have to…I mean…ah, forget it. Why don’t you wait in the family room? My suitcases are out there already. I just have to finish throwing a few things together in here, and then we can leave.”

pushes her out of bedroom and grabs his toothbrush

MP: calls out from the family room “Hey, Clay, are we supposed to take all of this?”

C: yells down the hall between brushes “No, don’t worry. Most of that stuff is packed and waiting to be shipped to my New York place.”

MP: smiling “Hey, I know you make more than a teacher’s salary now, but how big is that apartment? There must be thirty boxes here.”

C: *gargling* “Not big enough. Between all the Spamalot rubber chickens from Nick, the 121, ‘one for every night of the show because you’re going to put your big foot through them, I know’ pair of no-run tights from Jamie, the new golf clubs and the putting green from Wayne Player…yeah, like that’s going to happen...and the CD demos and recording equipment from Jaymes and *gargle*.”

MP: “Who’s that?”

C: “The new producer.”

MP: “What’s the name again?”

C: “I said *gargle, spit*”

MP: “Really? Wow. That’s wonderful.”

C: “Yeah. So, my point is, there's hardly room for me to stretch my legs in that place. Don't worry though; not all those boxes are going to New York.”

MP: “Where are they going?”

C: “Have I mentioned the Christmas stories yet?

MP: “What?”

C: walks into the room still drying his mouth “Let's just say you won't be killing time reading the airline magazines this trip.”

MP: picks up book from the coffee table “Hey, we’re only going to Connecticut. I know they’re Yankees, but I really don’t see how this English–French dictionary is going to help.”

C: laughs “That was left behind by a…ummm…friend of Jennifer’s who stayed here. She moved out.” mutters ‘they all do’ *sigh*

MP: “Ah, a friend from France. How lovely. I bet you learned a lot of the culture from her.”

C: clears throat “Well, I learned a few things, that’s for sure.”

MP: “Hey, is this a real dunce cap?”

C: “Jeff Foxworthy sent it to me.

MP: picks it up and reads ‘Southern guys rule’, ‘You got ‘er done!’, ‘Always go with your gut’ “That’s funny."

C: smiles “Yeah. I sent him a twenty pound bag of Snickers and told him now he could quit raiding his daughters’ Trick-or-Treat bags.”

MP: picks up shirt and holds it out for Clay “Did you forget to pack this?” holds it up “Oh, wait. This must be one of Ruben's. He must have left it behind when he was here a few weeks ago.”

C: grabs shirt and hides it behind his back "Yeah, must be.” *makes mental note that maybe he should work on that rice and raisins diet before Las Vegas after all…decides, ‘Nah’*

MP: “All ready? Should I call the limo for a ride to the airport?”

C: “That won’t be necessary. I still have Nick’s car. He can pick it up later.”

MP: “You know, that’s really nice of him to lend you his car so you won’t be recognized by fans and all.”

C: “Actually, he’s doing it because I found out he’s the one who wrote the Mac & Cheese/Krispy Kreme letter to Quiana this summer. I think he'll be walking for a very long time.

tune in next time for more adventures of that really smart singer guy and whomever it is who has the misfortune of trying to kick him out of bed before noon

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