laughn Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 This whole writing thing started as I watched Clack from the Greensboro NaJNT concert, when Clay introduced the 'J' Team, and Jennifer, as the woman who 'wakes me up each morning'. He then turned to some woman sitting in front and said, 'I bet that pisses you off.' (Don't know if those quotes are exact, but pretty close) Besides laughing my butt off, I remembered thinking how she looked just like 'one of us', and I wondered how she got the job. From there somehow, the J&C skits were born. Since I have a bit of catching up to do, I'll post about three stories at a time. From the beginning, just as I originally posted... Because it's all silly and fun and has actually nothing to do with Clay Aiken (real news) and all to do with my warped sense of humor, I've decided not to post these on Main, but start a thread here in the fiction section for my Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay. I still have a few more ideas rattling around in my head and I wanted a place to let them spill them out. If these little tales give any of you a smile or two, then I've been successful. Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay Friday, December 29, 2006 Stepping into the dark over a pair of shoes, a t-shirt, two pair of sweats, more shoes and stepping way around a pile of boxers sitting near the end of the dresser, Jennifer shakes Clay’s shoulder. J “Get up Clay” C *mumbles* “Don’t you wish. Owww! Don’t hit me!” J “I’m gonna do more than that if you don’t get your lazy butt out of bed. I swear, this is the last time I’m coming in here today. C “Mumph” * rolls over and pulls covers over head* J “I mean it Clay. It’s time to get up now.” J walks around to open the curtains. C “GO AWAY WOMAN!” J “Now, now…that’s how rumors get started” C *says something that sounds like it starts with the letter ‘F’* J “Don’t take that tone with me, Clay Aiken. You hired me to do this” C “Ah didn’t hire you to torture me. It’s still the middle of the night. Let me sleep!” J “It’s 11:30 am and…” C “Like Ah said, the middle of the night” J “…and you have appointments to keep and people to piss off and…Oops, sorry. That slipped” C “S’ok, but see, Ah’m pissing you off already and Ah ain’t even out of bed yet, so Ah can sleep for a little while more.” J walks around to the end of the bed C “Owwww! Quit pulling the hair on the back of my legs!” J “You know that’s disgusting” C “What?” J “You know. That tattoo you refuse to scrub off” C “Ah can’t. It’s too funny. When the hair started growing back it made Jimmy look like an old man. As soon as he gets a little more hair growin’ out his ears and nose Ah’m sending him another picture” *snort * J “Men.” C *Clay opens one blurry eye* “Ah’m still on vacation” J “Not anymore. Listen, we really do have lots to do before you get started working on this new tour. The Christmas trees have to come down and…” C “Good Lord, woman! You don’t need mah help to take down those trees. Mah momma…” C “Owwwwwwwwwwww!” J “Remember? You’re never supposed to say those words to me.” C *rubbing back of head* “Sorry.” J “Your momma didn’t have 3,000 new fan ornaments to pack away and she doesn’t have two dogs who like to eat the tinsel and then get sick all over the living room while I’m trying to fix your breakfast…which by the way is all healthy again. When you told Jay you only eat one meal a day you failed to mention that it consisted of fried Snicker bars. I just gave the deep fryer to the Salvation Army.” C “awwwww” J “S’ok, lover boy. Should get rid of the zits and the double chin” C *pouts* J “Come on, you know I’m just teasing…well, about the zits and the double chin thing. I love a man with a little meat on him…but I really did pitch the deep fryer.” C “AWWWWW” J “We've got to get you in shape for the next tour…and since I guess I must be the ‘trainer’ you hired, I’ll start by having you bend over and pick up all that mess in the backyard from Raleigh and Durham. I’m sure it’s giving that news copter from WGHP quite a visual.” C “Wait a minute. Ah’m sure they can’t see all the piles of pooh around my backyard from way up there” J “Didn’t I mention the dogs have been eating the tinsel off the trees? The backyard is sparkling” C “Crap” J “Exactly” C *still not moving* J “Ok, Aiken. You’re going to make me do this.” J walks towards kitchen C “What?” hears glasses and plates being moved around C “What are you doing out there?!” J *shouting * “I thought your collection of McDonald’s Glasses of the World would look good on this shelf right here, and my earth tone ceramic plates from Pottery Barn would fit on this shelf right there and…” C “Noooooooo!!! Stop that! Ah’m up! Ah’m coming!” J “You know one of these mornings I’m going to tape record you saying that. Ebay gold” tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay January 1, 2007 C “What? Owwww” J You need to wake up now Clay.” C “Stop that shouting! That’s…Owwwww…Oh mah God! Mah head! Shhhhhhhh! Don’t shout!!” J “That’s your own voice Clay…I’m whispering. It just feels loud. Open your eyes” C “Oh Mah God!! Ah’m blind!!! There’s a black film covering mah eyes!! Sweet Jesus, help me!!” J “You’re not blind Clay. Those are your eyelids.” C “What?” J “I said, you just need to open your eyes. It’s almost 4pm and Tyra is supposed to be here for dinner by 6…and there’s a lot of cleaning up to do from the party last night” C “Tyra? Tyra is coming here? Why is Trya coming here?” J “Probably because you called her” C “I called her?!” J “Let's see. If I remember correctly, you invited her over to see if she’s allergic to vanilla...and I believe you said you wanted her to, and let me quote this correctly, ‘taste your greens’, which was followed by your hunting through your dresser drawers for the next hour looking for your St. Patrick Day boxer shorts. Do you remember any of this?” C “Owwww. Mah head hurts…and Ah think Ah’m going to throw up. Call Tyra and tell her Ah think Ah have the flu. Tell her she best not come today.” J “You don’t have the flu Clay. You have a hangover” C What?! Owww. Don’t be silly. Ah don’t drink” J “Well, you could have fooled me. Though to be fair, I don’t think you knew Jesse spiked the punch just before he left. C What?!” *moan* J “Remember? He said your party was sweet...but boring. He dropped a whole flask of Vodka into the punch bowl as he and his date left to hit some clubs.” C “He did not! Besides, I drank that punch all evening.” J “I know. You were the only one who drank it. In fact at one point you grabbed the bowl and ran into the dining room yelling ‘All mine!’” C “He’s such a quiet guy. Why would he do that?” J *sigh* “You haven’t visited MySpace lately, have you?. Come on. It’s not so bad. We all really had a great time and…” C *holds ears* “Wait a minute. What’s that gawd awful noise? Make it stop.” J “Don’t I wish. About half way through the night you and Jimmy and Nick and some of the other guys decided to go down to the recording studio to cut a special CD. And sadly, I mean that literally.” C “What…?” J “Like burping the alphabet, only more festive. All the bodily noises you guys could think of to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. Nick set it on continual loop through the speaker system, locked the door to the studio, and went home. I hope you have an extra key.” *makes note to call to have studio fumigated* C “Jimmy?...Kimmel was here?” J “Yep. He hopped a flight right after he got Nick’s call. Said he couldn’t live with himself if he missed this opportunity.” C “What’s all that paper on the floor?” J “Well, this is the cease and desist order served shortly after you and Jimmy went over and sang a duet to the neighbors.” C “We sang Reunited?” J “Nope. Blue Moon…with, I’ve been told, a visual encore they won’t soon forget.” C “aghhh…What’s the rest of that stu-shit?” J “Oh, you mean the pictures?” C “Pictures? Someone was taking pictures?” J “I must say, you throw one hell of a party.” *hands Clay one of the photos* C “Praise Jesus. You had me worried for a minute. This isn’t so bad. It’s just a picture of me kissing Jaymes under the mistletoe.” J “You don’t have any mistletoe, Clay. Here, turn the picture sideways” C “Oh Mah God!!!” J “Yep, it’s the fake schefflera in the formal living room” C “ …then…Ah’m under the table…?” J “Yep, on top of Jaymes to be precise. She said it beats under the Santa Monica pier all to heck. No sand and you didn’t have to worry about paying parking fines.” C *whimpers* “Who’s in that one?” J “Mary” C “Ah kissed Mary??? OhmyGod, OhmyGod, OhmyGod…OhmyGod!” J *smiling* “I bet you got that from the message boards, didn’t you? C “Is that one Kristy?” J “Nah. She said something about ‘been there, done that’ and locked herself in her room early” C “Please tell me that one’s not of Jamie. Please tell me Ah didn’t molest mah own cousin” J “No, silly. It’s not Jamie. She was too fast for you. It’s that gal from the symphony you invited last week. You know, Jodi” C “She has her hands all over mah ass!” J “Yeah. She said something about not realizing your ‘hidden assets’ all these years and told you to give her a call next time you’re in NY.” C *throws pillow over head* “And what were you doing 'mah faithful assistant', while all this was going on?” J ”Who do you think was taking the pictures?” C “Fine." *sigh* " Would you mind telling me how Ah got to bed since Ah can’t seem to remember?” J “Just as well. Jerome carried you in. He figured after you kept putting your hand over your mother’s mouth every time she started to speak it was time for you to call it a night.” C “moan” J “By the way, Faye said she’d be over later with a stack of spiral notebooks, a box of number two pencils and a toothbrush. I’m not sure what that’s about, but she said you’d understand” C “Ah think Ah really am gonna’ to be sick now” *falls out of bed to crawl to the bathroom* “Who put these weird rugs down here?” J “Those aren’t rugs. It’s just Raleigh and Durham.” C “Oh mah God! Mah dogs!! Ah killed mah dogs!!!” J “You didn’t kill them. They’re just passed out." *picks dogs up one at a time and places them on the bed* “They were the only ones you let share the punch. Actually, It was kinda cute to see the three of you lapping up the last drops together. Now we know Border Terriers can’t hold their liquor…well, any better than their Daddy apparently. I expect you to help me clean up the family room rug when you’re able” C “…but all this fur all over the floor. What happened to them?” J “Oh that’s not fur. That’s stomach hair. Well, it was anyhow. Nick and Jimmy said to tell you it really was ‘just for kicks’. *watches Clay crawl into the bathroom and turns to leave* “Well, I can see you’re not going to be any help getting this place ready for dinner so I better get back to work. By the way, here’s the menu I have so far….nice juicy pork ribs, with tangy bar-b-q sauce dripping off, deep fried corn fritters and collard greens drenched in vinegar and bacon grease” *shuts the door to the sound of retching* stay tuned for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay Morning Adventures of Jennifer and Clay January 9, 2007 *crawling in, Jennifer carefully and quickly swipes a cotton swap around Clay’s open drooling morning mouth* C “What the hell—Ah mean, what on earth are you doing?” J *gives him a scathing look* C “Ah’m sorry. Ah'm sorry! Ah know Ah promised not to swear so much, but you scared the crap out of me.” J “It’s ok. Knowing how you sleep on your days off, I didn’t think this would wake you. I thought it was a good time to grab a DNA sample for the paternity suit without bothering you.” C “Paternity suit? What paternity suit? Oh, ya’ mean that girl Ah never heard of in Charlotte and her little red headed baby boy? Ah’m sure there won’t be a paternity suit filed. Heck, if there was, it would have to be put in line behind the crazy writer lady and the summons Ah have for all the unpaid parking tickets waiting for me in Santa Monica. Ah only mentioned that baby boy to give mah fans something new to speculate on. They love that shi—stuff you know. J “Speculating?” C “They do it like it’s their job. They talk about what record label Ah’m going with or staying with, if Ah’m writing new songs or singing more old ones, when A’ll be touring and the size of the tour. Heck, they even speculate about the size of mah…” J “ Penis? C “GOOD LORD, WOMAN! Tell me you did not just say that! Ah was going to say, ‘the size of mah bank account, thank you very much!” J “You mean they don’t try to guess the size of your—” C “Don’t say it! Of course they don’t speculate about that! They figured that out 5 years, Ah mean 4 years ago! Do you happen to have a Sharpie handy? Nevermind. Ah just mean mah fans just like to talk. Sometimes Ah try to help out.” J “I don’t think I understand” C “Well, take mah concerts for example. I have mah suits made a little too tight, and talk about it just so they can speculate how much weight Ah’ve gained. Ah tease them with mah zipper being up or down, the color of mah socks, mah ties, mah hair. Ah chew gum and cough drops but try to look like Ah’m not just to get them wondering what Ah’m doin’. Ah wear mah glasses now and then, and Ah even forget to shave on purpose. Sometimes Ah even carry things around like Ah’m trying to hide something.” J “You mean like that little rock Durham brought you from outside the Charlotte arena just before you went on?” C “Exactly. Ah just knew someone would be a’watchin’, and Ah knew they would get hours of pleasure out of that one. Ah truly love mah fans. Why do you think Ah gave them the tour of mah new house?” J “So they could speculate on your square footage?’ C “Yep, that and the size of my Love balls.” J “Don’t you mean your Love Sacs?” C “Oh, yeah. Those, too” tune in next time for more adventures of Jennifer and Clay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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