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LAUGHTER - The Best Medicine


claytonic
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I don't have a joke, but just want to say that laughter truly is the best medicine and my husband is a perfect example.

My husband was quite ill last year with a strep infection in his knee ... needed a knee replacement, but had to get over the infection first. He was running a low grade fever every evening, which he normally does/did not do when healthy. His PT told me he needed to get his endorphins going.

So, I googled endorphins to learn more.

We belong to a club that meets once a month....... good friends and laughter. I noticed that the nights we met with the club and or with friends .......which included good conversation and laughter, that he ran NO fever... completely normal. I was amazed!!!

I also decided that Clay engages MY endorphins.

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I don't have a joke, but just want to say that laughter truly is the best medicine and my husband is a perfect example.

My husband was quite ill last year with a strep infection in his knee ... needed a knee replacement, but had to get over the infection first. He was running a low grade fever every evening, which he normally does/did not do when healthy. His PT told me he needed to get his endorphins going.

So, I googled endorphins to learn more.

We belong to a club that meets once a month....... good friends and laughter. I noticed that the nights we met with the club and or with friends .......which included good conversation and laughter, that he ran NO fever... completely normal. I was amazed!!!

I also decided that Clay engages MY endorphins.

Thanks for that ToldForThis! Humour can resolve a lot of 'ailments' and is also used for pain management. A friend of mine had a back injury and was off work for weeks and became very depressed. Part of her rehab involved visiting a pain management clinic where they played comedy video and told jokes. Everyone got so involved in the merriment and laughter that they realised they weren't thinking about their physical pain, and it almost disappeared or was drastically reduced. They all stated that their pain meds did not do half as well.

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Two Cows Jokes

Democratic

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

Republican

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

Socialist

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Communist

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

Capitalism, American Style

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

Bureaucracy American Style

You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

American Corporation

You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

French Corporation

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

Japanese Corporation

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

German Corporation

You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

Italian Corporation

You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

Russian Corporation

You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Taliban Corporation

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

Iraqui Corporation

You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

Polish Corporation

You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

Beligian Corporation

You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

Florida Corporation

You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

California Corporation

You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English.

I particularly like the Republican and the Polish cows. :cryingwlaughter:

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Reverse Life

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then..

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

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Letter to James Thatcher at Proctor & Gamble

Dear Mr. Thatcher at Proctor & Gamble ,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now.

As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness--actual smiling, laughing happiness--is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and KahlĂșa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Wal-Mart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out of your ass, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons

Austin, TX

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Ok, this is the last one...I promise!

APPLES and WINE

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the Tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are Afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the Apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in Reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to Come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the Top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's Up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into Something acceptable to have dinner with.

ETA: I mean, it's the last one for today this morning

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Love the funnies Bookwhore

Here is one I got sent today:

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

'Make sure you wear clean underwear,! In case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'>

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.

'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

'One day! You'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

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OK, no one under 18 comes to this board, right?

GOOD!

Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He's flying over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.

Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.

Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore."

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:lmaosmiley-1: Nice ones!

Here, I found another one:

Medical Humor

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large letter on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Since incident, the instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And finally............ A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB, was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

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Announcing the New Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge Device, Otherwise Known as the BOOK!

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just life its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere--even sitting in an armchair by the fire--yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM.

Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The book may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward and backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session--even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, an many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus...

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Last one for tonight! Promise! :cryingwlaughter:

The boss of Stone Marketing called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the

employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went

very well for everyone. The top ten:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan!

1. This is your penis... This is your penis on drugs...

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I lied:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

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60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

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I love this thread! :cryingwlaughter:

Got this in an email at work.... :unsure:

It's titled "Due to budget cuts, this is your new cube" :lol:

newcube.jpg

newcube_1.jpg

newcube_2.jpg

newcube_3.jpg

newcube_4.jpg

newcube_6.jpg

newcube_7.jpg

newcube_8.jpg

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p.s. those of you in the USA who are whining about paying approx US$3.50 per gallon for gas, have a thought for us Down Under who are paying approx US$5.40 for the equivalent...

And that's NOT a joke!

hey, I know it is not a joke, but I would gladly pay that amount if I could have this:

healthcare in Australia

Government programs underpin the key aspects of healthcare. Medicare, which is funded out of general tax revenue, pays for hospital and medical services. Medicare covers all Australians, pays the entire cost of treatment in a public hospital, and reimburses for visits to doctors.

Generally, those who pay lots more than Americans do for gas are paying high taxes which then go for roads and social services. Americans are just paying obscene profits to giant corporations. Huuuuuge difference!

According to Wikipedia (assuming The Evil Marx Brother has not screwed with it), for the first quarter of 2008, the average tax per gallon of gas, including state taxes, is about .47 - the rest goes to the oil company.

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p.s. those of you in the USA who are whining about paying approx US$3.50 per gallon for gas, have a thought for us Down Under who are paying approx US$5.40 for the equivalent...

And that's NOT a joke!

hey, I know it is not a joke, but I would gladly pay that amount if I could have this:

healthcare in Australia

Government programs underpin the key aspects of healthcare. Medicare, which is funded out of general tax revenue, pays for hospital and medical services. Medicare covers all Australians, pays the entire cost of treatment in a public hospital, and reimburses for visits to doctors.

Generally, those who pay lots more than Americans do for gas are paying high taxes which then go for roads and social services. Americans are just paying obscene profits to giant corporations. Huuuuuge difference!

According to Wikipedia (assuming The Evil Marx Brother has not screwed with it), for the first quarter of 2008, the average tax per gallon of gas, including state taxes, is about .47 - the rest goes to the oil company.

Well that's certainly a good point, but actually Medicare, our health care system, looks a lot better on paper than it does in practice.

Isn't that right, Ausdon?

However, from all accounts, it certainly seems better than what you have, and I honestly feel heart-sick about some of the stories I hear in the USA about those who don't have medical insurance. Some retirees struggle back into the workforce just so that they can get medical insurance for their existing medical condition. That's a dreadful reason to have to go to work.

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Announcing the New Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge Device, Otherwise Known as the BOOK!

Absolutely LOVE this one!!! Wow, so versatile and PORTABLE!

Bookwhore, this is my favourite ... I sent it to some friends who loved this incredible cordless device as well!

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