Jump to content

LAUGHTER - The Best Medicine


Recommended Posts


Is there a meaning in numbers?

See the above article ..... and noticed the mention of 2 being Clay's lucky number.

Now note all the following in relation to Clay and the Number 2.

He first auditioned in 2002

Of course, he was in Group 2

He had to audition TWICE, because he was 'cut' in Charlotte

He had to perform TWICE for the TV audience, before he was accepted into the Top 12.

He came 2nd to Ruben's win

It took TWO viewings of Spamalot before he was convinced to do it.

He has two backup singers (ok, this one's a bit lame.....nothing unusual about it)

He was raised by two grandmothers- although one wasn't related by blood

He had two Dads, although neither could be considered remotely adequate as fathers

He has two brothers, one step-brother and one half-brother

He has two sisters, one step-sister and one half-sister (now passed)

When on AYSTAFG, they showed a pic of him in the 5th Grade, and Clay said he was running for Class President and he came 2nd

He now has two dogs

He has two 'careers', one as an entertainer and one as a humanitarian.

The phone number to vote for him at the Wildcard was 02

When Ryan announced the phone number to vote for him after the Wildcard performance, Clay held up two fingers

When Clay won the coin toss for the Finale, he elected to sing 2nd

The phone number to vote for him at the Final was 02

When Ryan announced the phone number to vote for him after the Final performance, Clay held up two fingers

So.... At last, we have a clue as to WHY Clay is so loved by women.....


Link to comment
Share on other sites


One of my favorite "how tos" off the 'net:


by Howard "Bud" Herron

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their system that works like new, improved Wisk--dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty in July."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

--Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions!)

--Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

--Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

--Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penny.)

--Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun on the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

--Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

--Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out by this time. Drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

--In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

--You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

--But at least now he smells a lot better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

--Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penny.)

HA, that's MY strategy before bathing my dog!~~

But yeah, as a former cat owner, I can relate .... when she was a kitten... but I finally got it down to a fine art and she calmly endured the horror, knowing it would soon pass...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OK, it's a day late, but in honor of St Patrick's day, you just have to give this one a look....

Pat and Mick walking down a street in London and Pat happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said

'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair'.

Pat says to his pal, 'Mick, will you look at that! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'

'Roight y'are, Pat, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick.

In they go and Paddy, in his best English accent, says 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and ......'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland, aren't you?'

'Well...yes,' says a surprised Pat. 'How de hell d' y' know dat?'

The owner says, 'Because this is a dry cleaners.'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

:cryingwlaughter:Claytonic :cryingwlaughter:

**Dad makes prom dress out of condoms** About the time you thought you had seen it all, here's a 'safe sex' dress! Pretty original, to say the least...


No virus was found in this message. My computer used one of the condoms...

Link to comment
Share on other sites


The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have no idea which Ben Franklin this is supposedly quoted from

As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

"To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mother: 'Hello?'

Daughter: 'Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?'

Mother: 'You're going out?'

Daughter: 'Yes.'

Mother: 'With whom?'

Daughter: 'With a friend.'

Mother: 'I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.'

Daughter: 'MOM, I didn't leave him. He left me!'

Mother: 'You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.'

Daughter: 'MA, I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?'

Mother: 'I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.'

Daughter: 'There are lots of things that you did and I don't.'

Mother: 'What are you hinting at?

Daughter: 'Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight..'

Mother: 'You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?'

Daughter: 'MA, its My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!'

Mother: 'So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?'

Daughter: 'MOM, He's not a loser.'

Mother: 'A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.'

Daughter: 'MA, I don't want to argue; should I bring over the kids or not?'

Mother: 'Poor children with such a mother.'

Daughter: 'Such a what?'

Mother: 'With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.'

Daughter: 'ENOUGH MA!!!'

Mother: 'Don't scream at me. You probably scream at the loser too!'

Daughter: 'Great MA, Now you're worried about the loser?'

Mother: 'Ah, so you see, he is a loser and I spotted him immediately.'

Daughter: 'Goodbye, mother.'

Mother: 'Wait! Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over? '

Daughter: 'I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!'

Mother: 'If you never go out ...how do you expect to meet anyone?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess you don't want off topic subjects in main any more?

PET RULES (To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height.)

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money

3. Are easier to train

4. Usually come when called

5. Never drive your car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't wear your clothes

10. Don 't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl.

The babies are fine, However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother he's a fecking clueless idiot

... Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise' says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a really beautiful name,' I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies ' Denephew '

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why women should not take men shopping against their will.


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1 June 15:

Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 July 2:

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals

3 July 7:

Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4 July 19:

Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5 August 4:

Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

6 August 14:

Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7 August 15:

Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8 August 23:

When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9 September 4:

Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:

While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:

Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. October 6:

In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18:

Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 21:

When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least

15. October 23:

Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My dear, sweet mom just sent me this one....

Something you think about all the time! Don't miss this eventful day!

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is coming!!


Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty; you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.

* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.

* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.

* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.

* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm scared of your mom, annabear!!

Speaking of moms....


Answers given by 2nd graders when asked the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?

1. My Mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mum marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between mums & dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home, and dads just go to work at work.

2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Mums have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Dye it. You know her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I received this enlightening email today and I just had to share it with you.

6 Truths of Life

1. Did You Know You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

scroll down.....................

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Sorry about this...I'm an idiot and I needed company... :-)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

:angry2:I HATE it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real so please read carefully.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!

They only want to see you naked!

I wish I'd gotten this warning yesterday.

I feel so stupid now. :blush::(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...