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LAUGHTER - The Best Medicine


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p.s. those of you in the USA who are whining about paying approx US$3.50 per gallon for gas, have a thought for us Down Under who are paying approx US$5.40 for the equivalent...

And that's NOT a joke!

hey, I know it is not a joke, but I would gladly pay that amount if I could have this:

healthcare in Australia

I just watched "Sicko", Michael Moore's film about the health care crisis in the USA.

I just CANNOT believe what I was watching.... people being treated like trash, tossed out of the hospital just because they could not pay the astronomical medical bill. And people who actually HAVE insurance but the insurance company finds every loophole to NOT pay, so these people end up living their old age in sickness and poverty, having sold home to meet medical bills.. What a contrast to France, where no one is turned away and college education is free!. I guess they have the money since they didn't spend it on war.... (sorry guys, I just couldn't help that swipe.....)

(I know this doesn't belong in this thread but somehow I remembered the conversation with djs111 which started from the gas price situation months ago.)

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Hey, you tied it up neatly,and thanks for remembering! Yes, here in what is supposed to be the bestest country in the world, health care is grudgingly doled out on the basis of how much insurance you can afford, or if you can afford or even get the insurance in the first place. And when you do have insurance, you sometimes don't get the amount or kind of care you really need, because a clerk named Debbie has a list of procedures that changes daily, and is more important than your doctor's opinion. Or you get a barrage of useless tests because the only people the insurance companies are afraid of are the lawyers. Do a search in Youtabe for Eddie Izzard Sicko, if you are so inclined. He accepts an award on behalf of Moore, and sums up the situation nicely.

heh, funny to think that WalMart is trying to step in and change the dynamic. Can't make it worse, that's fo sho.

Loved all the Real mum tips - yep, what the heck is this "leftover wine" of which you speak?

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Got this in an email - at work - this morning...

This almost put a lump in my throat...

I seldom pass along inspirational stuff, but this one got to me. I believe, in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live, there needs to be a message of hope. We can all use a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace, and joy. An image that suggests the universality of us all. I have been sent that image, and I want to share it with you. All I ask is that you take a moment to reflect on it.....

Click to be inspired!


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I'm sure you'll remember some of these. They are priceless.


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMO SIS.

'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about ENVY.

'There are mill ions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

'Just wait until we get home.'

16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

'You are going to get it when you get home!'

17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

18. My mother taught me ESP.

'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

19. My mother taught me HUMOR.

'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

21. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

'Shut that door behind you. Do you think

you were born in a barn?'

22. My mother taught me WISDOM.

'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

23. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

'One day you'll have kids, and I hope

they turn out just like you.'

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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

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A YouTube link to a study:

So true!

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We all need friends like these! :F_05BL17blowkiss:

True Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card. Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the fu*king bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will take the piss out of you about it, every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whinging.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'Because you are my friend'.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth. Send this to 10 of your closest friends. Then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

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The Sensitive Man.

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place,

and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in

his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

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This is dedicated to annabear who achieved the mature age of 32 several days ago...

This is for all you girls 30 years and over.... and for those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into their 30's...and for guys who are scared of girls over 30!!!!...

This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes. Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why...

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They Always Know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a Jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately,it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free'. Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage!


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Just this morning I found this thread, not that i was even aware that it existed. Now that I have had a pee and wiped the tears of laughter from my face, I want to thank you all for such good laughs.

Also my mother will thank you. You see, my mother who is 90 and lives in an assisted living facility in Ontario gets depressed and sad. We have long telephone conversations about 3 times a week and I have found that the best way to cheer her up is to end the conversation with some jokes. If they are a little naughty, so much the better. I have a file on my computer in which I save jokes for her and every so often print up the latest batch and send them to her.

Here is a video of Dawn French and her star struck reaction to Tom Jones.

I think this will be familiar to Clay fans who have been fortunate enough to be in Clay's presence.

Dawn French is a British comic, the star of the Vicar of Dibley.

Star Struck Dawn French

then there is Snogging Brad Pitt I like her last line "You gotta take your thrills where you can get them."

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I am surprised I haven't included this one before now.... it remains my favorite "LOL", despite the fact that I first received it years ago. It won't be new to some of you, but for those who haven't seen it before, you're in for a treat! It's a true story, that's what makes it especially funny.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington

chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:

Is Hell ..

exothermic (gives off heat)

- or -

endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,

(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing over time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulation given to me by Karen during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," ... and taking into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

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Got this in an email today. I've seen it before. It's not a joke but it is interesting in a fun kinda way.

The Goodman Reading Miscue Analysis of 1980ish discovered this

Cna yuo raed tihs?

Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

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Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,

bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be

able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it

turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a

big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.

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I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

'How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135', I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5'4' ', I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' I scream. 'When I came in here, I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac. What a bitch!

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When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears

With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning

... Uphill... barefoot...

BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,

There was no way in hell I was going to lay

A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it

And how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of

Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my

Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you

Don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and

Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

And you could bet someone had beat you to the book you needed!!!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write

Somebody a letter, with a pen!

...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to

Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you

Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!

When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,

Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you

Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video

Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games

Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You

Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or

Screens, it was just one screen


And you could never win. The game just kept getting

Harder and harder and

Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was

On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off

Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no

Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons

On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK

For cartoons, you spoiled

Little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat

Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids

Today have got it too easy.

You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted

Five minutes back in 1980!


The over 30 Crowd

(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile,

Whether they are under 30 or not.)

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under an helicopter

Eleven people
(10 men and ONE woman)
were hanging on a rope, under an helicopter.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that
had to leave, otherwise they would ALL fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little or nothing in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping .

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
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I love it, claytonic! :hysterical:

Investment tips for 2008

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:

Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:


4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa .

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:


6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild.

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

Poupon Pants.

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

Knott NOW!

And finally...

9.) Victoria's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:


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1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.


9.) Victoria's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:TittyTittyBangBang

HAHA, this reminds me.... when Madonna first announced that she was writing a children's book, John Laws (probably the most famous radio star in Oz) suggested on air that it be titled "TittyTittyBangBang"!!!

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New Stock Market Definitions

Chief Embezzlement Officer.

Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.

The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER: What my broker has made me.

Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

The day after you buy stocks.

The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT: An archaic word no longer in use.

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Australia is about to enter the BBQ season and some of you may be interested in understanding the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity Down Under, although there is some evidence that it could be a world-wide phenomenon:

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:


The woman buys the food.

The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:


More routine...

The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat .

Important again:


More routine...

The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he stupidly concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

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Check Your Chart

The following are alleged to be actual notations in patients’ records. Each has a flagrant

ambiguity or other problem. Sometimes the problem interferes with clarity; other times it

only produces amusement...

- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

- I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

- Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

- Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

- The patient refused an autopsy.

- The patient has no past history of suicides.

- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

- Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

- The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

- She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

- The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

- The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

- The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

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You are a South African bush pilot working for Blue Sky Aviation.

You fly in some critical medical supplies, enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital.

It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager to get back aloft to the cooler upper atmosphere.

On the way back to your aircraft, you discover that the only bit of shade within 1 mile has become very popular.

You start estimating the distance to the aircraft door and wonder...

'Do I feel lucky today?'


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Why you should avoid going to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

'How much do you weigh?' she asks.

'62kg,' she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 70kg.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'

'5 foot 8,' she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 4'.

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' she screams, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender!

Now I'm short and fat!'

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