KAndre World Dominatrix

[Ansamcw]

Our very own World Dominatrix KAndre has revealed her plans for Clay Aiken: Acquiring World Domination

This was first revealed in the Clackhouse more than a year ago, and now she has given her permission to share her plans with FCA...

Hopefully she will share her latest plans with us in the near future...*crosses all fingers and toes*

[Ansamcw]

Originally posted by KAndre61 at the Clackhouse:

KAndre looks around the Internet and realizes it is time for phase two of Clay Aiken: Acquiring World Domination, since after sending Clay her favorite copy of Machiavelli's The Prince with the following passage in Chapter 6 highlighted:

Therefore a wise prince ought to adopt such a course that his citizens will always in every sort and kind of circumstance have need of the state and of him, and then he will always find them faithful.

having crossed out "state" and replaced it with "clack".

[Ansamcw]

Originally posted by KAndre61 at the Clackhouse:

KAndre, who is lying on the floor twitching at the thought of the combination of Clay's mouth and those lyrics, decides mel ladi is definitely a worthy seat-filler for Cesario except for the decided lack of comments re: pitch and uniqueness. But an excellent effort! She contemplates the obvious conclusion that Prince Clay (madcow makes an excellent propagandist) has taken much of The Prince to heart and is ready for the next step: The Rules for a Successful Evil Overlord. Clay, sweetie, here are the first ten:

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

4. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

5. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

6. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

7. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

8. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

9. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

10. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

Sweetie, you sing. I'll handle these little details.

ETA - As the chief henchman of Prince Clay, I will tell y'all that the rules have to credited elsewhere, and as a good Evil Overlord to be, I just appropriated them. More are forthcoming.

[Ansamcw]

Originally posted by KAndre61 at the Clackhouse:

KAndre surveys the Kingdom of Do-Me with quiet satisfaction, as the propaganda machine is now kicking into high gear...it's a Perfect Day to be the henchman of a princely Evil Overlord complete with video treatment...her horde of willing minions is growing and she has special plans for Tsathy and purple_stapler...

Claybee, you might surprised at the number of failed attempts at World Domination as documented in a number of "fictional" movies and novels due to lack of forethought; we have plenty of appropriate resources here tto fill in our needs - and frankly, it's cheap - more of the meers are willing to work their little paws to the bone for clack - so you can save money for the payola for the next single, PD. More rules:

11. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

12. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

13. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

14. I will hire a talented fashion designer (MrsRosencranz, I'm lookin' at you) to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

15. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

16. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

17. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

18. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

19. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

20. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

[Ansamcw]

Originally posted by KAndre61 at the Clackhouse:

KAndre plans the total and absolute destruction of the radio station KRBE as soon as her plans for World Domination come to fruition.

21. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

22. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

23. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

24. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

25. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

26. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

27. will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

28. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

29. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

30. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

31. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

32. Tsathy, this is for you: I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

33. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

34. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

35. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

[Ansamcw]

Originally posted by KAndre61 at the Clackhouse:

KAndre takes a brief break from polishing her rhinestones (you'd be amazed at how laughter-generated spit dulls the shine!) to cover some small misconceptions: her third person asides are done by the voice of George Hamilton (who will say anything you like for a jiggle or two) instead of the voices in her head that say things like "never build a sentient computer smarter than you are" hmmmm, Rule 189! KAndre also takes a moment to smirk at goatlady, institches, ficus, musicmama, jamtrac, Phoenix, Sparklish, shadowsgirl, RG 31, IdolMom, Churchmouse and Lowrider - give it up gals, rattboi is irresistably seduced by my miasma of adorable evil (thanx p_s and Tsathy) - add that to the bling covered boobage and HE IS MINE! BWAH HA HA....uh wait, no more maniacal laughter, dammit...OK, it's cool now). She then adds "Smite weeds and TicketBastard" to the list of "What To Do After the Vox Have Converted the Masses and You Have Achieved World Domination". She also adds several names to the list of people who "fear" her, as unlike Clay, she sees no problem with Machivelli's fear/love thing. And she does too have a rudimentary understanding of impulse control - just doesn't see the point!

35. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If s/he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

36. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

37. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

38. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

39. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

40. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

41. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

42. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

43. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

44. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

45. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

46. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

47. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

48. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

49. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

50. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

[Ansamcw]

Originally posted by KAndre61 at the Clackhouse:

KAndre gleefully rubs her hands together - World Domination is not only on schedule but under budget! She makes a note to suggest a green Auborgine velvet and silver frogging or embroidery color scheme to Mrs. R - and pirate shirts. She makes another note to explain to Shiiiiine that Oil O'Clay is definitely not for hair. Heh.

51. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.

52. I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.

53. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.

54. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

55. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded; also, my doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)

56. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

57. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

58. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

59. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

60. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

61. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

62. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to either 1.55Mb or 999Mb in size.

63. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.

64. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

65. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

66. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

67. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

68. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

69. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.

70. If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.

71. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.

72. Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.

73. If I find my handsome consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have him executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting. rattboi, take notes.

74. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

75. To keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access and clack.

[Ansamcw]

Originally posted by KAndre61 at the Clackhouse:

The Return of the Rules! (and I have to say, I admire the way my minions are implementing the plan!)

76. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

77. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more

shot than the standard issue.

78. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away immediately to all meers.

79. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)

80. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandparent. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

81. I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.

82. I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.

83. I will instruct my fashion designer, Mrs.R, that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.

84. I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.

85. Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.

86. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.

87. I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy or some good clack comes along, s/he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, review the clack, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.

88. If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.

89. I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.

90. If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading forhim.

91. I will not outsource core functions.

92. If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.

93. I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses. (Thank you PR & BBQ Stand!)

94. If my mad scientist/wizard/rocket scientist tells me she has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for her to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.

95. I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.

96. I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.

97. During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.

98. When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.

99. Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.

100. I will not, under any circumstances, marry a man I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing bastard simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date. Until Clay becomes available. Then the back-stabbing bastard (though cute) can be executed.