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The Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Bye, George

Episode 03 | Aired Mar 4, 2012

'The Celebrity Apprentice' recap: Bye, George

George Takei's attempt to live long and prosper in the game is cut short by the Boardroom Dominatrix

By Dalton Ross | Published Mar 5, 2012

She sits at the desk by herself. Lonely. So lonely. Her only friends: a notebook, a jar full of pens, and a pair of golden scissors. The woman doesn't even get a computer for crying out loud! I'm speaking, of course, of Amanda Miller, Celebrity Apprentice's resident phony baloney Boardroom receptionist. Sure, she is occasionally entertained by bickering contestants waiting to reenter Trump's lair. And yes, she has been known to steal flirty glances from across the room at her strapping young suitor, Adrian the elevator operator. But the reception area has become a prison of sorts for our intrepid young note-taker. I mean, other than writing love letters to Adrian and uttering those nine magic words — "Gentlemen, you can head back into the Boardroom now" — what else is there for her to do? Perhaps you think that is all Amanda is capable of. That her skills do not extend beyond the Boardroom desk. THINK AGAIN, SUCKAS!

Amanda is a multi-talented Trump employee of the highest order! It turns out when the Boardroom beauty is not nodding compassionately to formerly famous people that have just been fired, she works for Ivanka's clothing line. Doing what? I have no idea! But there she was in Ivanka's showroom just…kinda…hanging out. Was she there to model Ivanka's clothes? Is she a saleswoman? Did she simply get lost on the way to the Boardroom? Again, no clue. But did you see how happy she looked to be free from the shackles of Trump Tower? The woman was smiling for crying out loud. SMILING! (Meanwhile, poor Adrian sits — well, stands, actually — in his sad little elevator, waiting for his one true love to return.)

But I will never abandon you, dear readers. So let's look at the five other things that had me high-fiving myself about last night's episode of The Celebrity Apprentice.

1. An Explosion of Trumps

They've mobilized! They're everywhere! The Apprentice started off with one Trump, Donald. Then Ivanka showed up. Eventually Don Jr. joined the mix. And two seasons ago, when one of them was unavailable, all of a sudden Eric appeared. But I'm not sure we've ever had four Trumps in one room on the show before. However, there they all were, lined up to tell the teams that their newest task was to create two Lord & Taylor window displays for Ivanka's clothing line. With The Donald hosting, Ivanka judging (along with some other guy we don't care about), and Jr. and Eric advising, the scene turned into one big freakin' Trumpalooza! The only thing missing was little five-year-old Barron. How long until he's in the Boardroom telling his daddy what a great decision he made on whom to fire?

The thing about all these Trumps taking over the program is that while it reeks of nepotism, they've each become welcome additions to the program in their own special way. The icy Ivanka has turned into an equal parts feared and respected Boardroom Dominatrix. Don Jr. has proven to have a pretty wicked of humor, which he has been known to direct at his father from time to time. Eric? Well, the jury's still out on Eric. I had high hopes for the man when he first showed up a few years back tapping his fingers together as if he was doing his best Snidely Whiplash impersonation, but he has unfortunately proven to be significantly less evil in subsequent episodes. Although I swear every time I see the guy he is using more and more hair gel. It's as if Don Jr. and Eric are having a sibling rivalry to see who can break the land speed record for hair product slathering per second.

In any event, the more Trumps the better as far as I'm concerned. If only Ivanka could get divorced and marry James Lipton into the family, then everything would be P-E-R-F-E-C-T.

2. I Love The Sound of George Takei's Voice, Even If What is Coming Out of it Makes No Sense

George Takei's voice is smoother than the foreheads of the entire botoxed women's team. I could listen to it all day. An when he says stuff like, "Arsenio has elegance and style, but he also has panache. That man is amazing," you almost feel like you are in a trance — hypnotized by his every word. But when you come out of that trance, you wake up to the realization that the words coming out of George's mouth are often not as smooth as the voice delivering them.

His presentation to Ivanka and random Lord & Taylor guy was shockingly unsmooth as Sulu began by introducing Clay by the incorrect names of Arsenio, Claude, and Clod before finally getting it right. But Clay got off easy compared to Lou. While attempting to compliment his team, George told Ivanka that, "Most people are like Lou, you know, they're not involved," which has to be the worst compliment of all-time. (Lou responded much like he did last week, by repeating the phrase "110 percent" even though giving 110 percent is both scientifically and mathematically impossible.)

But the men's team did well in spite of George's verbal miscues and seeming lack of interest in the task as a whole. (He thought they were supposed to decorate four windows instead of two. Then again, the women only really designed one, but more on that later.) The day and night theme of the men was pretty good, and Penn's idea to use double flavor, double fun, in a sugar free gum (i.e. twins) was downright genius. Sure, the midnight blue backdrop was a bad call, and the choice of nighttime clothes may have been off, but I thought it was still an impressive showing by the men in spite of their P.M. And it was done all without the team member who knows the most about dressing up like a woman — Dee Snider.

Dee wisely ignored Trump's advice last week to "just let it heal" and instead went to an actual medical professional to have his "severely fractured" hand looked at. After reviewing several X-rays in which the Twisted Sister frontman appeared to be giving us the finger, the doc informed his patient that surgery was required. When? In 10 days? No! Now!!! "This is your fault, Trump," Dee said as he was wheeled into surgery. That may be, but it would have been a lot more fun if he had just blamed Lou Ferrigno instead so the Hulk could have burst through the hospital wall in a complete rage going on about how nothing is ever his fault because he gives 110 percent.

3. The Women Never Stood a Chance of Losing

Let me be absolutely clear: Not only did the women basically only decorate one window — just sticking some hotties in the second window to smile and wave two minutes before it was presented because their photographs never showed up — but they could have decorated zero windows and still won. That's the beauty of the subjective challenge when one team has already lost the first two projects: Who does the better job doesn't even matter. No way Trump wanted to send a third woman home before any of the men got cut loose. Now, see, a fundraising task or something that involves irrefutable evidence of a clear victor would have been too dangerous in a spot like this. But a challenge in which Trump's daughter gets to pick the winner? Perfect!

What was the women's theme? I still have no idea. As far as I could tell Project Manager Dayana was hanging out in one window with a fan, and a few women stood in the second one waving like they were in the saddest beauty pageant ever. Nothing the ladies did came even close to matching the creativity of the men using the twins, an idea that Ivanka herself said was genius. But then in the Boardroom, Eric reported that Ivanka said the guys "lacked creativity." Huh? Also, Ivanka loved Paul's signage so much she wanted to order some more copies for her actual store.

So how the hell did the men lose? Because the men losing is what was determined as being in the best interest of the show. And let me be equally clear on this as well: I have absolutely no problem with that. Nothing on this show has ever been "fair." After all, six people were fired before Gary Busey last season. Let me state that one more time to make sure it completely sinks in: Six people were fired before Gary Busey last season. If you're looking for a fair fight, then you came to the wrong show, my friend. We just want a fight with as much comedy as possible, and watching Trump forced into bizarre rationalizations as to why certain people win or lose is just part of the fun. I'm sorry, I know this is being repetitive but I cannot stress this enough: Six people were fired before Gary Busey last season.

4. Pick a First Name and Stick With it

Was there any better moment in this entire episode than when Debbie Gibson offered to be one of the window models and Dyana scrunched her face up and responded "I'm just scared of the age range"? ("I play younger on TV," responded Gibson). I don't know what was more awkward — Debbie volunteering to be the 25-35 year old model or Dayana then having to tell the 41-year-old that she was too over the hill to represent an Ivanka Trump clothing line. The entire exchange was brilliant.

But now Gibson has me confused because when she called Ivanka to ask for some free jewelry, she called herself Deb. Later, Tia called her Deb as well. Sure, I get that Deb is an abbreviation of Debbie, but those of us that do not know our history are doomed to repeat it. Which brings us to the great Ricky/Rick Schroeder controversy at the turn of the century. A fellow teen sensation, he was "Ricky" back in his Tiger Beat days of The Champ and Silver Spoons, but then graduated to "Rick" once he started wanting to be taken more seriously in shows like NYPD Blue. Then I heard he went back to "Ricky" for some reason. Honestly, I have no idea what he's called now — The Big R, perhaps? So all I'm asking for is a little clarity on the Debbie Gibson situation. Is she trying to distance herself from delicious Little Debbie snack treats? Is Deborah an option here? What gives?

5. The Way Donald Trump Fires People

Before we get to the dismissal of George Takei, I want to pause for the cause to point out something that I did not like about this episode. In fact, I consider it an affront to Celebrity Apprentice fans everywhere. I'm speaking, naturally, of the women's refusal to name anyone on their team as the weakest player when asked by Trump. Why, just last week Penn Jillette waxed poetic on how he knew better than to deny such a request by the big boss man, even though it pained him to do it (and pained Lou to hear it — 110 PERCENT!!!). But the women — from Tia to Teresa to Project manager Dayana — all refused to play along. Trump even went so far as to tell Dayana that she would "go back to modeling" if she didn't answer the question. And she still didn't. So what were the repercussions? None whatsoever.

And that is a huge problem in my book. Make no mistake: It is completely ridiculous that they are being asked to answer such a question. But if Trump wants to have the contestants play this absurd game of forcing them to name their weakest player before they even know if they've lost for the sole purpose of creating conflict that would not otherwise exist, then there have to be some actual repercussions if they refuse to do so. If I'm on the men's team and I just saw the women getting away without naming names, then damn if I'm going to do it. Ack! I can't believe I'm getting so up in arms about this. Do you see what this freakin' show does to me?

Okay, I may not be happy that Trump let the ladies off the hook, but there is nothing I love more than the way he fires people on this show. It didn't used to be this way. Back when the regular Apprentice first aired, Trump would yell and demean and degrade people before kicking them out of his Boardroom, and yes, that was fantastic as well. But he can't bring himself to do that to "celebrities" (unless their last name is Kardashian, apparently). Instead he scoops about 10 spoonfuls of sugar on every dollop of Boardroom cyanide, killing them with an overdose of kindness. Witness his firing of George Takei, who basically was quitting by saying that he deserved to be fired for losing the task as Project Manager. The following response, ladies and gentlemen, is about as good as it gets. Sit back and relax as we treat you the firing stylings of one Donald J. Trump. "And, by the way, in no way are you quitting. I fully understand that. You are not a quitter. You are tough. You are strong. You are amazing. In a certain way, you were a great Project Manager.…You know who else has the most respect for you, George? Donald Trump! But George, you're fired. Thank you. Thank you very much. You're a terrific man"

Wow. You know what the best part of that entire thing is, right? "In a certain way, you were a great Project Manager." Really? And in what way is that?!? The way he didn't know anything about fashion or design? The way he picked a background color that was about 30 shades too dark? The way he didn't know what Clay Aiken's name was? Positively brilliant. But Trump wasn't done with the overeffusive praise. "He's a very high quality person," Trump said to son Eric, who was too stunned to respond. "Definitely amazing," answered Don Jr, in a quick save, although he clearly did not believe a single word of what he was saying.

God I love this show. And I know you love it too or you wouldn't have bothered reading this far. But now it's your turn to weigh in. Was the fix in against the men? Did George deserve to get the boot? And how excited were you to see Amanda spread her wings outside the Boardroom? Hit the message boards and let us know. And for more reality ramblings, follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Until next week: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!

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"Celebrity Apprentice" Recap: It's All Just Window Dressing

'Celebrity Apprentice' Recap: It's All Just Window Dressing

The teams create fashion displays on Fifth Avenue


March 5, 2012 9:02 AM ET

We've said it before. We'll say it again. Reality TV is a dish best served dramatic. And after the women unleashed a fangs-out melee in last week's boardroom brouhaha – ultimately, mob daughter Victoria Gotti got shelved – we can now rest assured that Celebrity Apprentice has reclaimed its patented I'll-stab-you-in-the-back-to-get-ahead mojo.

Having suffered two straight losses to start the season, the women's team is in dire need of a victory entering the third week of competition. "It was not fun," says Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza, having just escaped Trump's wrath in the boardroom. Comedian Lisa Lampanelli, after going all psycho-chick on Gotti, spells out the women's team's objective going forward: "We've gotta kick those men's asses."

Magician Penn Jillette, the men's project manager on their last task, delivers a $20K check to his charity, Opportunity Village, a non-profit serving those with intellectual disabilities, after which the two teams convene and are given their next task. Trump explains: The men and women are going to be designing and staging a live window display, a.k.a. "window dressing." The displays, which will be located in the Fifth Avenue windows of department store Lord & Taylor, are to showcase Trump's daughter Ivanka's clothing and accessory line. "Window dressing" seems like a foreign concept to comedian Adam Carolla, who has now returned from his mysterious absence last week. "I thought it was somewhere between ranch and Thousand Island," he says. Ivanka and Lord & Taylor's Scott Devine will be judging the task on creativity, brand messaging and overall presentation. And who will be project managers this week?

On the women's side, Mendoza steps up and accepts the challenge. Jersey's finest lady, Teresa Giudice, having hoped to lead the team, is hardly pleased. "The girl from Jersey can't get a chance," she says. The men decide to go with absurdly slow-spoken Star Trek alum George Takei. Why? Because, well, as Carolla says, "he's gay." "We will boldly go where we haven't gone before," Takei says in a Trek-ian intonation.

The teams break off to plot out their displays. Despite Mendoza being project manager, it's once again reality TV star Aubrey O'Day who takes a vocal role. O'Day suggests a "timeless" theme, whereby the women's displays will follow a day in the life of a woman in power, like Ivanka Trump. Not all the women are pleased with O'Day's assertive nature. "It was the Aubrey show," says Eighties pop princess Debbie Gibson.

The men aren't all that cohesive, either, and it seems to be stemming from Takei's unassertive demeanor. "George is a little bit slower to process information," says American Idol's Clay Aiken. The men ultimately decide to go with a "Day and Night" idea, which will include Jillette's genius idea: Twins. "I've seen smoke, I've seen wind, I've seen robot movement," Jillette says, flexing his window-display knowledge guns. "But I haven't seen twins." The men aim to show Ivanka's clothing line as adaptable to both a business and nightlife setting. Naturally, identical twins partaking in both activities makes sense, right?

The women, meanwhile, decide that Mendoza and O'Day will serve as models in their window displays. Gibson wants to get in on the action, but Mendoza politely tells her she doesn't fit the brand's 25-35 demographic. (Translation: she's too old). At this point the women must split up. Half go to Brooklyn to help construct the physical sets, while the other half pick out the clothing and help style the models they've hired. Once in Brooklyn, Lampanelli points out that the sets are much smaller than the women had initially thought. The women's grand ambitions must be scaled down. Donald Trump Jr. visits the women's squad to check in, but he's a bit puzzled by what he sees. "The ladies think they have a theme, but I have no idea what it is," he says.

The men's team is also split into two halves. Carolla, who apparently is a former carpenter, is in Brooklyn cranking out the set building while Arsenio Hall, along others such as Aiken and Takei, has been tasked with styling the models. Rocker Dee Snider is not in either place. He's at the hospital getting his finger assessed; it was damaged during last week's Medieval Times challenge. As it turns out, he needs immediate surgery. "This is your fault, Trump," he says before being put under. He does return later, in a full sling. Hall wonders how Snider will be able to do the show with one hand.

We now interrupt this recap for a MAJOR announcement: Amanda, Trump's gloriously underrated secretary, makes an appearance. Yes, contain yourself. It's true. Trump's assistant Amanda, who apparently lurks in the shadows and doubles as Ivanka's clothing line employee, helps the men with their styling. Don't worry, however. She barely even gets a word in; her mystique remains intact. The men, however, are having some trouble not even an Amanda sighting can cure. Takei is all over the place, lacking any ability to delegate. As Hall says of Takei and Aiken's lack of fashion sense, "our gay teammates aren't that genre of gay."

The next morning both teams put the final touches on their displays. American Chopper's Paul Teutul Sr., who was tasked the day before with making "Ivanka Trump" signs, apparently messed up in his technical execution. Yet when the displays are finally put into action, they look quite sharp.

The women are also scrambling. They'd planned to display sketches of Ivanka's clothing in one window and pictures of models in the other. However, the model pictures were never printed. O'Day responds by reacting on the fly, coming up with a concept where she'll act as a "designer," blowing kisses to the street audience. Hey, it was last minute. Cut the girl some slack.

As the displays rise hydraulically from the bowels of Manhattan to street level and the curtains are pulled down, both squads' hard work is finally on public display. Ivanka, along with Lord & Taylor's Devine, assesses both teams' work. Takei fumbles through his explanation of the men's windows. The women are far more polished in their presentation. What do the finished displays look like? The men's two windows see Aiken and three models in an office setting in one window and Hall and three models on a red carpet in the other. The women's, comparatively, have Mendoza looking model-y in one and O'Day blowing the aforementioned kisses in the other. Ivanka vaguely indicates she doesn't love the men's clothing choices, but that the women's displays look a bit amateurish.

And we're now in the boardroom. The women, typically quick to bite each other's heads off, are surprisingly civil. Neither Mendoza nor O' Day – hell, none of them, for that matter – will speak badly about their teammates. And the men are equally kind to one another, though there does appear to be some consensus that Takei may have been a bit too "hands-off" in his leadership approach. After Trump's two sons explain Ivanka's assessment of both displays – she liked the woman's attention to detail but didn't like some of their display's aesthetics, while she felt the men had solid brand messaging but didn't pick out stylish clothing – Trump reveals that the women's team has won its first challenge.

The women file out feeling giddy, and for the first time the men must go to battle. But the word "battle" assumes there's conflict. It's not to be found. For a bunch of strong-wllled dudes, the men come across as tough as a plush teddy bear. Trump starts by announcing that due to his injury Snider is getting a pass this week. The men soon start complimenting one another. What gives? In between the steady stream of man-love being thrown around, it appears that most of the men are in agreement that Takei wasn't a strong leader but that Hall was also to blame for making poor styling and fashion decisions. One of them has to go. Because he has to pick someone else besides Hall to join him back in the boardroom, Takei chooses Lou Ferrigno. Apparently the Hulk-of-a-man "misunderstands directions" and "got in the way."

Back in the boardroom, Takei lies down and lets the bus that is Donald Trump run him over. Yes, it was Hall who made all the awful fashion and styling choices, but Takei essentially concedes. Before giving Takei the verbal sledgehammer to the head, Trump throws in one last compliment. "You know who else has the most respect for you," Trump asks after both Hall and Ferrigno profess their undying love for the man. "Donald Trump." He may have gotten fired, but at least Takei knows a sleazy billionaire likes him. That has to make the pill at least a bit easier to swallow.

Next Week: As if the product placement isn't already shoved down our throats, next week both teams will be hawking cars – more specifically, the new Buick Verano. Prepare for the women's team's boardroom bickering to resume: Debbie Gibson is project manager, and the singer is taking no prisoners.

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Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings: Aubrey O'Day Makes Her Mark

Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings: Aubrey O'Day Makes Her Mark

published: 2012-03-05 15:54:22

Celebrity Apprentice's third challenge really accentuated how far we still have to go in the game. This week proved Apprentice was still at the point where many women and many men were only acting on the sidelines, doing what they were told but never really contributing creatively. Some of these men and women might sneak up out of nowhere in the coming weeks and wow us with new skills and prowess, but for many of these contestants, it won't be long before Trump exhibits his firing skills.

One thing is for certain: Dee Snider does not look like he is on his way out. After breaking a finger during week two, Dee stuck around for the early rounds of the challenge, then headed to the doctor who surgically placed four pins into his hand. Most people would have given the guy a pass for this week's challenge, but Dee was having none of that and showed up just in time to unveil this week's project. Which was probably better for the women, anyway, since they were down two players after losing the first two challenges. Six women versus seven men looked a whole lot better than six versus eight.

Having multiple players proved a boon to this week's challenge, after Ivanka Trump revealed contestants would be unveiling her spring clothing line via window booths at a Lord & Taylor location. The two teams had to put together a concept for two window displays, as well as shop for clothing, paint and design the set, and figure out other minor details. Both teams split, with half of the members working on marketing and details, and half working on the actual window display sets.

After a challenge where the men did an acceptable job working with women's apparel, and the women came through after one of the team's design ideas failed, the boardroom was unusually amiable. Eventually the women, with Dayana at the helm, pulled through with the win. This left the men to nitpick, and eventually project manager George Takei opted to bring back Arsenio and Lou. Even though Arsenio was responsible for putting a trench coat on a model as an example of evening wear, he actually faded into the background after Lou and George went at it. George's biggest mistake was bringing back Lou when he had not even seen the man work after the team's split. Trump thought so, too, and in week 3, the project manager was fired for the first time.

The Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings are an ordered compilation of weekly lists put together by TV Blend writers Jessica Grabert and Mack Rawden. Each week after viewing the episode, they each rank the competitors in order. Seventeen points are given for a first place vote, and this week, three were given for a last place vote. Three competitors have already been eliminated; therefore, those people automatically occupy the bottom slots. Here is how this week's voting panned out, complete with analysis on how the celebrities might fare moving forward.


The Favorites

#1) Penn Jillette (34): Penn is so professional in the boardroom. There are several other contestants that can more than hold their own in front of Trump, but Jillette strikes me as the only one who could capably fill in for Ivanka or Don Jr. on a future season. That's high praise, but from everything we've seen thus far, it is well deserved. Penn has easily been the best project manager thus far this season, and apart from Paul Sr.'s signs, his idea to use twins was the most appreciated aspect of the men's presentation last night.

#2) Dee Snider (30): Despite a broken appendage and despite Arsenio whining about how Dee is not really going to be able to compete, there are multiple ways for a team member to insert his or herself into a task, as long as a player is willing and creative. Sure a broken finger and a hand cast are major annoyances. No one would have faulted Dee if he had decided to bail. However, Dee really wants to be in this competition. His willingness to pitch in when injured and his desire to make his mark have not gone unnoticed on Celebrity Apprentice.

#2) Adam Carolla (30): Adam Carolla busted out some building skills this week when Celebrity Apprentice required construction in its window displays. Despite missing last week's challenge, Adam proved to be a phenomenal presence this week, speaking up creatively, doing a lot of interview asides, and generally working hard on the constructive aspects of the task. While Adam is still untried as a leader, he has certainly led the team in TV minutes. That presence alone should be enough to keep him in for a long while.

#4) Patricia Velasquez (27): Patricia hasn't been a powerhouse this season as much as a consistent and solid contributor. Her hard work and stability have helped the women immensely, and despite losing as project manager to Paul, she more than held her own. This week, she was mostly relegated to background details. Considering she was a model and worked extensively in creating images in the past, that willingness to defer was probably difficult; so, she should be given a lot of credit for putting the team ahead of herself.

#4) Debbie Gibson (27): Debbie has really proved to be a team player. She really works to the best of her ability and chooses what battles to fight and when to leave well enough alone. Her one downfall may be her disinterest in taking a chance to lead as project manager. Maybe she is just waiting for the right challenge, but if she stays in the background much longer, she might flail a little in these rankings. Still, with the skills she has shown so far, we expect her to be adept at leading; she just needs to prove herself.

#6) Aubrey O'Day (26): Who knew Aubrey O'Day was such a champion at brainstorming? For the past few weeks, she has thrown out numerous good ideas, and her quick thinking definitely saved the girls from disaster with their window display. All too often celebrities on Apprentice are unwilling to offer clear direction when they are not project manager out of fear it will be used against them in the boardroom. O'Day hasn't shown any reserve thus far, and if she proves as capable of a leader as she is an active team member, she'll be around for a long time.


The Contenders

#7) Paul Teutul, Sr. (21): The signs Paul Sr. commissioned his shop to make were the single best thing either team offered this week. The fact Ivanka wants to buy them for her store displays speaks to that, as does the glowing praise he received in the boardroom. He might have had a few missteps as project manager, but he still won and clearly is held in high regard by the men's team. Like Lou and Adam, Paul Sr. is also a worker bee, which should save him if he's brought back into the boardroom in the future.

#8) Michael Andretti (20): Michael Andretti worked hard with the building aspect of the challenge this week, taking a backseat to Paul and Adam's leadership, but not getting in the way like Lou. As Adam himself put it, Andretti is the typical racecar driver. He lays low, but could very well swoop in and take the lead at the last moment. I don't know if this will be a winning race for Andretti, but it will certainly be interesting to watch.

#9) Teresa Giudice (17): Prior to this challenge, I was impressed with how well Teresa was able to dutifully contribute. The first two weeks, she didn't cause a shred of drama and aided her team wherever it was needed. Unfortunately, this week she desperately wanted to be project manager, and when her team chose Dayana, I think her irritation showed a bit in performance. Some snide comments were made to the cameras, and she clearly wasn't convinced her project manager could lead the team. That being said, when it came down to it, she still got out there and busted her ass. It may not have been the perfect way to handle it, but it was manageable enough to keep her from sliding down the rankings.

#9) Clay Aiken (17): Clay Aiken is clearly a competent worker and has proven so by contributing each and every week. Unfortunately, thus far, he has lacked the people skills necessary to win Celebrity Apprentice. This week, when asked how the project manager was doing, Aiken just giggled and then gave a cagey answer. He did this awkward, unfair behavior thing twice during the show. Contestants have to dish out criticisms carefully, they have to give respect to earn respect, and they have to act like they are part of the team. Aiken's got the last part down, but the jury's still out on the other aspects.

#11) Arsenio Hall (14): Arsenio Hall took a bit of a tumble this week because he couldn't pick out clothes as well as the women. In all fairness, I don't think anyone expected him to be able to do that, but unfortunately, his shortcomings were one of the main reasons why the men lost. The outfits just weren't formal enough, and that was entirely his department. With a different challenge next week, I'd expect him to climb back up a bit in the rankings. He's definitely bright enough and determined enough to go a long way, but another major mistake like the bad clothes could wind up sending him home.


The Dark Horses

#12) Dayana Mendoza (12): As the first female project manager to win this season, it really is a huge slap in the face for Dayana to have landed this low on the rankings. Unfortunately, she is here, due to sucking as project manager. She did not delegate, and she was not a creative force, turning over that responsibility to Aubrey. At one point, Dayana even lamented about project manager being harder than expected. Fucking duh. You can't move up in the rankings by looking hot in a window display, even if that is your primary skill.

#13) Lisa Lampanelli (10): Lisa's position here is carryover from her less than impressive run as project manager. If past performances didn't matter, she'd be far higher, but it's impossible to forget the mess she made last week. Still, it's very clear the women have a healthy respect for her, and over the next few episodes, she should continue to be a strong player on the women's team, especially if there's a writing challenge. She's very good with words and willing to put in long hours. The former isn't something the women seem to have an abundance of; so, look for her to be an MVP at some point in the future.

#13) Lou Ferrigno (10): The reason why Lou is ranked this low is the same reason why he's a successful human being. He's just too damn eager to help. When the men were making their set, Adam and Paul Sr. took the lead considering their extensive background in building things. Lou did his damndest to contribute, but there just wasn't any room. It should be noted though that he was all over the fact that their colors were wrong and really did try to change it. I really hope the Hulk finds his stride at some point, but without a solid performance next week, he could find himself in the boardroom again.

#15) Tia Carrere (6): Poor Tia has ended up last every week in the power rankings. I would love to move her up. She seems like a team player and she seems genuinely excited to be participating. However, she is the weak link on the women's team. She slides by every week by doing this or that and not really standing out for any reason. While I do applaud her for working on her speaking skills when talking to Trump in the boardroom, she has a long way to go if she is going to prove she is an able leader.

Here's a look at how the ballots shook out…


Penn Jillette (17)

Patricia Velasquez (16)

Dee Snider (15)

Adam Carolla (14)

Aubrey O'Day (13)

Debbie Gibson (12)

Michael Andretti (11)

Clay Aiken (10)

Paul Teutul sr. (9)

Dayana Mendoza (8)

Teresa Giudice (7)

Arsenio Hall (6)

Lisa Lampanelli (5)

Lou Ferrigno (4)

Tia Carrere (3)


Penn Jillette(17)

Adam Carolla (16)

Debbie Gibson(15)

Dee Snider(14)

Aubrey O'Day (13)

Paul Teutul Sr (12)

Patricia Velasquez(11)

Teresa Giudice (10

Michael Andretti(9)

Arsenio Hall(8)

Clay Aiken(7)

Lou Ferrigno (6)

Lisa Lampanelli (5)

Dayana Mendoza(4)

Tia Carrere(3)

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"The Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Double Trouble"

'The Celebrity Apprentice' recap: Double Trouble

A bold decision in the Boardroom leads Trump to fire two celebrities just for the hell of it

By Dalton Ross | Published Mar 12, 2012

Ladies and gentlemen, our long national nightmare is over. No longer will you have to stare at your television screen in the direction of the slightly stocky gentleman with the goatee and the vaguely familiar last name and ask yourself, "Who the hell is that?" No longer will you wonder why he never talks or does anything even remotely interesting. No longer will you have to listen to people referring to him as a "legend" even though you are relatively confident that those same people aren't even quite sure of what his accomplishments actually are. Because race car diver Michael Andretti — the son of more famous race car driver Mario, and father of even less famous race car driver Marco — has finally run out of gas. (To be honest, he seemed to be running on empty the entire time.)

That's right, Michael was fired alongside Adam Carolla. He seemed like a perfectly nice individual. Only one problem: WE DON'T WANT PERFECTLY NICE INDIVIDUALS ON THIS SHOW! I'm just going to come right out and say it: Michael Andretti is the worst Celebrity Apprentice contestant ever. Let me be clear: I don't mean the most ineffective person to ever appear on the show. After all, I watched Darryl Strawberry sleep through half a season two years ago. And Gary Busey might just be the most frightening faux-businessman on the face of the planet. But at least Strawberry was amusing in his lethargy and Busey was entertaining in his insanity.

Andretti, on the other hand, just might be the most charisma-free individual in the history of television. Again, I am sure he is a fine, upstanding man. Which is exactly why he had no business being here. Yes, son Marco was supposed to show up instead before a friend died in a crash just before filming, but producers should have just scrapped the Andretti family entirely at that point and signed up…I don't know, say one of the guys from Right Said Fred instead. To his credit, Trump realized this, and after a three episode grace period, NO WAY was Andretti crossing the finish line of episode four. So when Project Manager Adam refused to bring anyone in the Boardroom after losing, Trump decided Oh, what the hell — I'll just fire them both!

Personally, I would have been happier if he had just fired Andretti twice instead. I mean, how, as a professional driver, do you refuse to be Project Manager on a task dealing entirely with cars! That may just be the most bizarre thing I have ever seen on this show, and that includes Clint Black attempting to masturbate with Tide detergent. When they were first given the task to do a Buick presentation, Trump practically ordered Michael to be the PM. So what did Michael do? He immediately turned to the group and proclaimed, "I say Adam." What?!? That's like Lisa Lampanelli turning down a task on roasting, or Penn Jillette turning down a task on magic, or Lou Ferrigno turning down a task about reminding people about how much you have to offer while offering nothing whatsoever.

My favorite part of the entire episode was when Ivanka visited the men's team later and expressed surprise that Michael was not Project Manager. When he attempted to explain that it wasn't as much up his alley as it seemed, she replied, "You know about the cars." To which he said: "I'm not a mechanic or anything, but I know pretty much how they operate." Pretty much? You know "pretty much" how they operate? If you don't know cars like the back of your hand then what the hell do you know? "This is more a marketing thing, not a driving thing," he added. Yes the marketing of CARS! As in, what you do for a living!

"I'm not a salesman," he later told Trump in the Boardroom. All Michael Andretti did this entire episode was tell us about all the things he can't do. The Boardroom Dominatrix was right: If you can't handle a car project, then there is pretty much nothing you can handle. "Is there a task that you could have been better for though?" she asked incredulously. "I don't think you're ever going to get anything closer to your wheelhouse than this." Which gets back to my point: Why was he even on the show? Worst. Celebrity Apprentice casting. Ever.

Sure, I could talk about what a horrible addition Michael Andretti was all day — just ask my poor wife who doesn't even watch the show and still has to listen to all my bitching — but there's other ground to cover from this latest episode, so let's get covering. Here are my five other favorite things from the two-hour spectacle.

1. Def Trump Comedy Jam

We all know Don Jr. can sling the zings when he feels like it, so him responding to Adam's claim that "I lost my virginity in a Regal" with "Last weekend, right?" was none too surprising. However, check out Papa Trump giving Junior a run for his money! He got warmed up in Grand Army Plaza by dissing and dismissing his wealthy buddies: "All of my friends right now are watching me. They're rich. Some are good people, and some are scum. Believe me — scum." But, of course, The Donald always saves his best material for The Boardroom. Whether complimenting Arsenio's close-cropped dome ("You look good. Sometimes I think I'm gonna just shave my hair and say to hell with it.") or responding to Lou's assertion that his voice was not an impediment to being heard ("By the way I didn't understand a word you just said.") DT was in fine form.

Of course, the Trump comedy stylings pretty much stop right there with those two. I am relatively confident that Ivanka has never cracked a joke in her entire life. But her job is not to crack jokes. It is to deliver an icy glare that immediately freezes the entire neurological system of any suit and tie clad man that happens to cross its deadly path. And Eric Trump? He's too busy applying hair gel to work on his stand-up routine. So we're left with the dueling Donalds to tickle our funny bone. Although the thought of being tickled by Donald Trump has now made me slightly nauseous.

2. The Aubrey & Debbie (Deb? Deborah?) Show

Hey! I want to be in the cool van! Isn't that where they do all the drugs, make fun of the geeky geometry teacher, and play old Grateful Dead bootlegs? Ugh, never mind. I hate the Grateful Dead. Dirty hippies. Besides, high school cliques are exclusionary and destructive to youngsters still grasping for a simple shred of self-esteem. I want no part of them! On this show? Totally different story. STOP YOUR BITCHING, TIA CARRERE! I completely support tossing the uninteresting people into a secondary vehicle where they can be increasingly marginalized and ignored. Hell, if I had my way Michael Andretti would have been in his own van equipped with child safety locks so that he could not attempt to exit until it drove him all the way back to…I don't know, wherever that guy is from (Daytona? Don't they race cars down there?).

So, yes, we got the four power players in the "cool van" and the other three in the "leftovers" vehicle. But for the women, this episode was all about Aubrey and Debbie. Aubrey O'Day has been a fabulous addition to the Celebrity Apprentice galaxy. Call her the anti-Andretti. She is this bizarre mix of snippy, self-obsessed, and yet — shockingly — smart. "I don't think that any of them would have a creative bone in their body to continue on without me," she preened while coming up with concepts for the task. And she has been the most creative person on the team thus far, saving Dayana's skin last week in the living window display challenge (although we actually know the women stood no chance of losing no matter what they put in there).

No doubt still smarting over having to share the mic with Debbie Gibson during a Wyclef Jean jam session back in week one, attention-grabbing Aubrey unloaded on Debbie's plan to commence crooning during their Buick presentation. "We have Debbie Gibson having her comeback tour," sneered Aubrey. "I think Debbie should just go on stage and sing 'In Her Dreams' or whatever the f---song she says is so amazing. I honestly wasn't into any of her stuff. I was more of a Tiffany fan. But whether you bought a ticket or not, you're going to hear her sing."

This entire rant is like a masterstroke of bitchy behavior. First off, Aubrey not only abstains from picking a clearly superior Gibson track like "Foolish Beat," but then purposefully butchers the name of the song she does choose to skewer — turning "Only in My Dreams" into "In Her Dreams." But she's not done. Not by a longshot. As the cherry on top of her sassy sundae, she then chooses to align herself with Gibson's bitter eighties teen steam rival — Tiffany. Sacré bleu! Zut alors!

But who knows? Maybe Aubrey was on to something. In a fantastic and illustrative moment of a former star's current place in the pop culture universe, Ms. Electric Youth bounded out of her chair during the Buick presentation. "Hi, everyone, I'm Debbie Gibson!" Silence. "Yes, the Debbie Gibson." A smattering of polite, awkward applause. Then things got even more uncomfortable as Gibson starting belting out "Shake Your Love" to a clearly confused audience. It is only fair to point out here that I rewound and rewatched this entire sequence 17 times to digest its full impact. Brilliant. Almost as brilliant as messing up the name of the car you are supposed to be promoting.

After making up a sob story about her mother getting into a car accident — which seemed like an odd tonal choice for an otherwise upbeat presentation — Aubrey called the Buick Verano the Buick Verona. Twice. Honestly, I'm not sure how you win after doing that. I mean, that's about as bad a mistake as you can make. Maybe it's because Aubrey didn't have someone yelling "You suck!" at her over and over for no apparent reason.

3. Clay Aiken's Erection

That racket you heard at approximately 9:58pm was the sound of 100,000 Claymates simultaneously fainting onto hardwood floors upon hearing Clary Aiken boast of having a massive erection. (See what I did there with the "hardwood" thing? Ba-bam! Still got it!) It seems Clay was so aroused by Adam's presentation that Little Clay decided to stand up and salute the Project Manager for a job well done. Can someone please get Mr. Aiken some Tide detergent ASAP!

4. Lou is Seeing Green…Always

I had a great idea for this week's column. Lou Ferrigno would show up in green body paint and tear out of his suit. Then I remembered that this is a written column and nobody would be able to see it. And if they could, they'd still be really befuddled. Luckily, I have other ideas. Lou Ferrigno, on the other hand — not so much. If the rest of the team is to be believed, this is the only idea Lou has pitched each and every project, but then he comes into the Boardroom bitching about how nobody is taking advantage of everything he has to offer — all 110 percent of it!

"I've done over 40 feature films," Lou bragged to Trump, and he has a point there. After all, if you can't trust the man who played "Knife Thrower" in Frank McKlusky, C.I. and "Dog Catcher" in something called Ping!, then whom can you trust? (His work in Frogtown II was especially impressive.) But as much as I adore people that refer to themselves in the third person ("Everybody loves Lou Ferrigno") Lou's team seemed to be over his whole act, which culminated with Penn, Arsenio, and a presumably non-erect Clay telling the Hulk in no uncertain terms outside the Boardroom that the learning curve was over. We'll see next week.

5.Trump Gets Tough

Last week Trump let Dayana off the hook when she refused to name anyone as the weakest link on her team. But when losing Project Manager Adam refused to bring anyone back into the Boardroom this week, Donald dropped the hammer. (Gee, think that could be because Adam is not quite the looker Miss Universe is?) Trump doubled down this time and — clearly needing to rid his show of Michael Andretti — decided to go and fire two people instead. And so we said goodbye to both Adam and Michael. But the person Trump was toughest on was not even in the room or on the show. Nope, it was a certain New York baseball player with a love of steroids, dating celebrity singers, and tanning shirtless in Central Park.

The fracas began with Debbie patting herself on the back for being a great team player. "I don't really care who gets the credit on the team," insisted Debbie, leading to this response from The Donald. "That's a very good statement, Deborah. It's all about winning. That's a Derek Jeter type statement. Is he great? We love Derek. That's not an A-Rod statement. That's a Derek statement."

I couldn't help but find it funny that Trump directed his sports comments to the one black man in the room, Arsenio. And I found it even funnier that he went out of his way to blast A-Rod, because…well, it's hilarious when people blast A-Rod. That's why everyone does it! The dude just makes it so easy. And because he pockets approximately 5 billion dollars a year for playing baseball, it's impossible to even feel bad about it. It's like when LeBron James complained about everyday people blaming all their problems on him, Yes! That's exactly right! That's part of the deal. We pay crazy prices to buy tickets to see you play and wear your stupid jersey. That money, in turn, finds its way into your pockets. All we ask for in return is the ability to mock you for even the slightest transgression. Seems like a pretty fair deal. And if you don't like it, Mr. Fancy Pants Athlete, you can cry yourself to sleep on your pillow stuffed entirely full of $100 bills.

Now, I recognize that this rule should not apply to Trump since he is even richer than the athletes in question being disparaged. But I don't care! That's how much fun it is to make fun of Alex Rodriguez! Well, that'll do it for this week's trip to Crazytown, USA. Some sad news to report: I will be away next week and therefore ceding my recap duties to the one and only Marc Snetiker. However, I am sure he will do such a great job that Clay Aiken will be achieving multiple erections while reading along. In the meantime, hit the message boards to let us know your favorite moment of last night's episode and what you thought of the double firings. And for more reality ramblings, follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. See you in two weeks. Cluck, Cluck…Splash!

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Clay's Take: Week 4

Clay's Take: Week 4

  • Posted By Clay
  • March 11, 2012 11:00 PM

Well hello folks...

Let's try something different today. Let's see if I can recap some of this week's episode without the need for you to take an intermission during the reading of this blog! I just seem to write soooo much!

This week's task was back in the men's team's wheelhouse again after a week of high fashion had us at a disadvantage. This week we were charged with creating a launch presentation for the all-new 2012 Buick Verano. Present the car to an audience, and answer questions about it from both the live audience and folks following the presentation online and on Twitter.

With Michael Andretti on Unanimous AND Adam Carolla (the host of a car talk show on the Speed Network) we should be perfectly positioned to take the women down this week. Debbie Gibson steps up for the women. Though Mr. Trump all but directs Michael Andretti to step up as project manager on Unanimous, Michael suggests that Adam take the helm. Personally, I felt Adam was a great choice. He is knowledgeable about cars and he had been a real leader already amongst the group. It seemed time for him to step up.

Split in to separate vans, Forte struggles to keep communication lines open between Debbie as the project manager and the Forte teams members who were not with her at all times. On Unanimous, the lines of communication are open, but the communication coming from PM Carolla is not jiving with the instructions that were given by the Buick executives. Adam, one of the funniest comedians in the business, wants to put on a funny presentation. Most everyone else does not.

Lou, much like last week and the week before (and the week before) feels that a concept showing him as The Hulk would be a good idea to demonstrate his strengths (forgive the pun). What you didn't see in this week's episode is that the idea of having Lou rip away a covering to reveal the Verano was actually Adam's idea initially. Granted, Lou jumped on that suggestion and rode it all the way through the task, but someone else in fact suggested it.

The ladies' concept is not really that different from the men's. Both teams use team members volunteering from the audience with interruptions that show different aspects of the car. Forte's "interruptions" are a bit more in line with the mood and tone of the product though, whereas Unanimous takes more of a humorous slant. That said, what Unanimous lacked in appropriate tone we more than made up for in factual content. The ladies struggled to answer questions about the Buick Verano; Adam had a command of the information about the car that I would say may have even rivaled the makers! You don't see it as much in the episode, but Adam answered questions from the audience that I was sure he would be stumped by. But he answered without hesitation every time!! It was a sight to behold!

In the Boardroom, the tensions between Debbie and Teresa (who had felt left out of the task) started to surface. Some expert prodding by Mr. Trump (and especially by Don Jr.) successfully got Teresa to vent some of her frustrations with Debbie.

On Unanimous' side of the table, The Trumps are very upset that Michael had not stepped up to the plate as project manager. Several team members chime in to defend Michael's choice. I find that it's smarter to keep your mouth shut until called on. Yet, in situations like that when I wanted to say something, letting my "feelings" show on my face would usually entice one of the Trumps into asking me to speak up. Then I got to say what I wanted without having to jump in to a conversation without being asked! ;-)

When the men's team loses the task, the women head back to their war room and Debbie immediately tries to clear the air with Teresa. Teresa informs us in confessional that she is NOT buying it! I have a STRONG feeling that we haven't seen the last of this!!! ;-)

Meanwhile, the men all do their best to stand by Michael's decision not to be project manager, but only Mr. Trump knows how truly upset the executives were not to have Andretti leading the task. As a businessman, Mr. Trump knows the value of a brand. The fact that the Andretti name was not associated with the task as much as it could have been really has him hot under the collar. So, when Adam falls on his sword and says he will not be bringing anyone back to the Boardroom to be fired, Mr. Trump can stand it no more. Like a judge vacating a verdict from a jury, Mr. Trump tells the men that he will be firing two people that evening and that everyone is on the line.

It's clear to me, at that point, that Mr. Trump is none too pleased with Michael's decision not to step up and that he is likely on the line to go. However, the general consensus amongst the men is that Lou was the weakest member of the team. In the lobby, we all tell him as much. He MUST stop offering only one trick if he wants to remain successful. (I secretly have a feeling that he will be with us next week, so I tell him that he better step up next week.)

Back in the Boardroom, Mr. Trump fires Adam right away. It seems to be a signal to all of us, that taking the bullet for the team's loss without bringing anyone back will not be tolerated.

Then, the pressure is on for Michael. Mr. Trump is clearly upset still that Michael had not been project manager. (What many of us know is that Michael had a HUGE amount of $ ready to be donated during an upcoming fundraising task and was holding out to be project manager then, but I guess the lesson is... you gotta step up when the task is so perfectly suited to you.) Several of the men attempt to protect Michael (knowing he has the mother lode ready for a fundraiser), but Arsenio seems to be the only person smart enough to know that when the blood is in the water you might as well just get out of the shark's way. Arsenio co-signs Mr. Trump's opinion that Andretti is too big a name to not be attached to the project. Michael says goodbye.

It was a shock for Unanimous to lose two members in one sitting, and two smart ones at that. And maybe a lesson for future project managers not to fall on their swords... But maybe not!! ;-)

Tia, who Mr. Trump felt might be flying under the radar, will get a chance next week to exercise some control, but will Lou finally step up too?

Next week could "go viral" when someone finally loses their cool!! Wonder who it could be!! ;-)

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"Dee Snider to Release "Broadway" Album, Autobiography in May

Dee Snider, the unmistakable front-man of the rock band TWISTED SISTER, will release his new studio album, "Dee Does Broadway", on May 8 via Razor & Tie. The CD features Dee's powerful voice and theatrical persona as he exudes his rock ' n' roll take on several Broadway classics. The new album will coincide with the release of his first-ever autobiography, "Shut Up And Give Me The Mic" (Gallery Books) on May 8.

"Dee Does Broadway" features several special guest stars, including Broadway and television icon Bebe Neuwirth on the DAMN YANKEES song "Whatever Lola Wants", Broadway legend Patti LuPone on a "West Side Story" medley "Tonight/Somewhere", pop icon Cyndi Lauper on SWEET CHARITY's "Big Spender", Clay Aiken of "American Idol" on the GUYS AND DOLLS classic "Luck Be a Lady Tonight", the stars of the Broadway hit musical "Priscilla Queen Of The Desert" (Will Swenson, Tony Sheldon, and Nick Adams) on SOUTH PACIFIC's "There Is Nothin' Like A Dame", Mark Wood of the TRANS-SIBERIAN ORCHESTRA playing violin on the "Phantom Of The Opera" ballad "Music Of The Night", as well a special rendition of "The Joint Is Jumpin" from "Ain't Misbehavin'" with Dee's oldest son, Jesse "Blaze" Snider. Songs are also featured from classic Broadway shows including "Cabaret", "Chicago", "The Threepenny Opera", "Anything Goes" and "Sweeney Todd".

"Dee Does Broadway" was spawned from a number of voicemails exchanged featuring "Broadway tunes" sung as messages between Dee Snider and Alice Cooper in 2009 and Dee's 2010 Broadway run in the Broadway rock musical "Rock Of Ages". Inspired to take this musical journey, the classically trained countertenor (who sang with his high school choir and always loud as hell) Snider enlisted producers Bob Kulick and Brett Chassen (whom Dee worked with on the metalized Frank Sinatra tribute called "Sin-atra"). The album was mixed by the legendary Ric Wake and Gustavo Celis, and features the incredible orchestrations and playing by the renowned composer/arranger Doug Katsaros and the bass guitar playing of one of rock's prolific players, the legendary Rudy Sarzo.

Dee Snider explains the process: "Over the past year, I have worked closely with my team and collaborators picking from decades of musical hits with only two rules: The song had to speak to me as a singer on some level, and it could not be a rock song to begin with. No 'Jesus Christ Superstar', 'Grease', 'Hair', 'Rent', 'Rocky Horror', etc. What would be the challenge in that?" He continues, "There are many who think doing an album of rocked out show tunes is pure insanity on my part. Apparently, they haven't seen any photos of me from the '70s and '80s. Could I have been in a more theatrical band? Ever since I was a kid, I'd heard the real power inherent in a lot of songs from musicals and this record gives me the chance to show it".

"Dee Does Broadway" track listing:

01. Cabaret

02. The Ballad Of Sweeney Todd

03. Big Spender (with Cyndi Lauper)

04. Mack the Knife

05. Whatever Lola Wants (with Bebe Neuwirth)

06. Music Of The Night (with guest violinist Mark Wood)

07. The Joint Is Jumpin' (with Jesse Blaze Snider)

08. Luck Be A Lady (with Clay Aiken)

09. I Get A Kick Out Of You

10. There Is Nothin' Like A Dame (with the stars of "Priscilla Queen Of The Desert": Will Swenson, Tony Sheldon and Nick Adams)

11. Razzle Dazzle

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Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings: Trump Sends Home Two

Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings: Trump Sends Home Two

Author: Jessica Grabert and Mack Rawden

published: 2012-03-12 16:44:27

Although we got a mini presentation from the women during last week's Ivanka Trump challenge, this week Celebrity Apprentice geared up to introduce the 2012 Buick Verano through a lengthy team presentation to advertising heads and members of the public. From the beginning, the men's team looked as if they might be headed for disaster, when veteran car driver Michael Andretti did not step up to take the Project Manager position, thereby irking Donald Trump.

Things ran a bit more smoothly on the women's end, where project manager Debbie Gibson split the women into a "cool" car, featuring Lisa Lampanelli, Aubrey O'Day, and Patricia Velasquez and a "loser" car which held Dayana Mendoza, Tia Carrere, and Teresa Giudice. To their credit, the jilted contestants held their tongues during the task and did what was asked of them, which is sort of the same idea the men had to eventually implement during their task.

Adam Carolla took over for the men's team, and, to his credit, he made great use of his knowledge of cars. However, when Buick advertising execs visited each of the teams, they specifically noted they considered themselves to be a luxury brand that uses the term "thoughtful" as a jumping off point for advertising. The women scurried to get this down in their notes, but for Carolla, this idea went in one ear and out the other. Watching Carolla forwardly joke with the advertising execs was like watching a child stick his fingers into his food, get chastised, be unable to contain himself, and try it again.

Despite not creating a luxury presentation, the men did pull in the audience through a performance featuring hecklers and stuffing Penn Jillette into the trunk of the Verano. The performance held up rather well against the women's team, who had an odd "reflection" theme and who allowed Aubrey to call the Verano a Verona not once, but twice.

Aubrey's mistake would likely have won her a spot in the bottom three this week, but the board room favored the ladies, leaving the men in a tight spot. Adam then shot himself in the foot by stating he would not bring anyone back with him. Though the Buick executives personally liked Adam, Trump sent him packing due to generally not manning up. Carolla's attitude got Trump so worked up he went ahead and fired Michael Andretti. Gone are the motor driver and the motor mouth. We'll see you next week when hopefully – at least for the men's sake – the women walk the gangplank.

The Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings are an ordered compilation of weekly lists put together by TV Blend writers Jessica Grabert and Mack Rawden. Each week after viewing the episode, they each rank the competitors in order. Seventeen points are given for a first place vote, and this week, five were given for a last place vote. Two competitors have already been eliminated; therefore, those people automatically occupy the bottom slots. Here is how this week's voting panned out, complete with analysis on how the celebrities might fare moving forward.

The Favorites

#1) Penn Jillette (34): Penn has been singled out every week by the project manager or the judges for his individual contributions. Not surprisingly, this week his trunk exploration was cited as a favorite. Given all that, it's obvious why Penn is at the top of the rankings, but there's one more contribution that actually impressed me more this past episode. When Penn had problems with Adam's direction, he stated his opinions honestly and clearly. The project manager disagreed; so, he dropped it and dove headfirst into doing what his boss asked him. If everyone had that attitude, a whole lot more would get done.

#2) Debbie Gibson (32): Debbie was good this week as project manager. She wasn't great, but she was effective enough to put out a winning product. A pessimist might argue she didn't do enough to include Tia, Dayana or Teresa, but an optimist would counter that it's extremely difficult to split responsibilities between seven vocal and opinionated women. Now that her time at bat is finished, the singer will retreat back into a supporting role, and given her competence, I can't imagine her actually losing the team a task. She's been valuable as a bit player thus far, and I expect that success to continue.

#3) Dee Snider (29): A lot of the men sort of had to take second fiddle to Adam Carolla in this week's challenge, but Dee, along with a couple of the other men did attempt to steer their project manager in a more surefooted direction. Still, even though he disagreed, Dee was still quick to pitch in and to help the project come off without a hitch. Not bad for a dude missing the use of a hand.

#4) Clay Aiken (27): Clay Aiken bumped up quite a few spots this week, likely due to a newfound nod at the man's abilities from Jessica's end. Sure, Clay has the most fucking annoying laugh on the planet. Sure, he lacks tact and occasionally phrases criticisms in an unkind manner. At the end of the day, he is a really creative personality, with a multitude of skills. If his tenure as project manager goes as well as the work he has put in so far, he should remain an asset for the men's team. May he continue to do so.

#4) Patricia Velasquez (27): Patricia didn't really drop in the rankings this week, but she did manage to allow Clay to surpass her, mostly due to her hanging out in the background more often than Apprentice viewers might like. Patricia is very organized and took great notes from the Buick executives this week, but she has not been overly challenged to take a spotlight recently. We're banking on her past abilities, and especially the talent to spin her words in a graceful and forthright manner.

The Contenders

#6) Aubrey O'Day (23): Aubrey's champion brainstorming was on full display again this week. The singer came up with the winning concept for the women and executed her portion of the presentation pretty well, save a noticeable slip up when she got the name of the car wrong. Were it not for her consistent irritation with most of her fellow cast members and apparent need to bash them even when they are doing pretty decent jobs, I would probably place her higher. Unfortunately, not being a positive teammate has sent many contestants home in the past.

#7) Paul Teutul, Sr. (22): Paul's portion of the men's presentation was a disaster this week. His heckling was a horrible idea, and it was executed poorly. The room was clearly not responding. He should have been able to read that and cut it short. As he's not a performer, however, I'm more apt to give him a free pass than most. Still, it is clear he commands a lot of respect for his teammates and has shown an ability to communicate effectively in the boardroom. That'll come in handy at some point, but for now, having already taken his turn as leader, it's unlikely he'll be up for elimination in the near future.

#8) Lisa Lampanelli (20): Lisa's little group love sessions with Aubrey have kind of weirded everyone out, her team included. Regardless, the two seem to have teamed up and can accomplish a lot when put together. I'm still a little worried about Lampanelli if she is asked to perform without a little creative bird flitting about. However, since her dismal turn as project manager, Lampanelli has worked each week to build up a brand new image. She has not been entirely successful just yet, but she is a long way from the bottom.

#8) Arsenio Hall (20): Good 'ol Arsenio. He goes about his job thoroughly and quietly. I secretly suspect he'll be a hell of a project manager whenever he's given the chance, but since we're not there yet, he can only be judged on what he's contributed thus far. Sadly for him, that's been solid work and a disastrous choice of outfits. When George fell on the sword two weeks ago, he was right to be sent home, but after him, Arsenio was clearly the worst in that challenge. He needs some positive momentum. He needs to do something that's great, offer a clear contribution - maybe even the deciding element or idea that propels his team to victory. Until then, he's likely to be stuck near the middle of the pack.

The Dark Horses

#10) Dayana Mendoza (16): Celebrity Apprentice is not a multiple choice test in which everyone has an equal chance of standing out. A player does not need to be too aggressive or too stubborn, but he or she needs to state his or her ideas forcefully and with confidence. There have been too many challenges thus far in which Dayana simply has not been heard or listened to. Some of that fault should definitely lie with her teammates, but the majority of it falls on the model for not commanding respect.

#11) Teresa Giudice (12): This week, Teresa corralled her husband and children to help in the challenge and she got her bitch face on in the boardroom. Other than that she complained that she has been underutilized but did not bother to step up or attempt to change the women's opinion of her. So far, she's been a warm body with a more famous face than any other woman on the team. That's a skill that is growing old very quickly.

#11) Lou Ferrigno (12): Lou is a good guy. I think he's a hard worker, and I think he probably gives great motivational speeches. Unfortunately, it's very clear he's out of his comfort zone here. He goes into the boardroom every week just waiting to attack, and when he's called out, he gets too angry about it. Celebrity Apprentice isn't the nicest of arenas. It requires people to throw each other under the bus and cite the failures and shortcomings of their teammates. You can't take what's being said to heart. I know it's natural to get pissed and carry grudges when teammates attack your character and contributions, but that's the name of the game.

#11) Tia Carrere (12): Tia is still on the bottom this week, but it is actually a victory for her, since she is sharing the spot with Lou and Teresa. All three were chided and warned to pick up some slack this week from Trump and his two kids. There's all kinds of unknowns that could occur on the way to figuring out who Trump will be fired next, but even if Tia ekes by for another week, she's still the women's weakest link, or close to it.

Here's a look at how the ballots shook out…


Penn Jillette (17)

Debbie Gibson (16)

Clay Aiken (15)

Dee Snider (14)

Patricia Velasquez (13)

Aubrey O'Day (12)

Lisa Lampanelli (11)

Arsenio Hall (10)

Paul Teutul Sr. (9)

Dayana Mendoza (8)

Tia Carrere (7)

Lou Ferrigno (6)

Teresa Giudice (5)


Penn Jillette (17)

Debbie Gibson (16)

Dee Snider (15)

Patricia Velasquez (14)

Paul Teutul Sr. (13)

Clay Aiken (12)

Aubrey O'Day (11)

Arsenio Hall (10)

Lisa Lampanelli (9)

Dayana Mendoza (8)

Teresa Giudice (7)

Lou Ferrigno (6)

Tia Carrere (5)

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Clay's Take, Week 5


  • Posted By Clay
  • March 18, 2012 11:00 PM

What a week we had this week with our O-Cedar task. O-Cedar may be the leader in cleaning supplies, but we were certainly able to make this week's proceedings a little dirty!

The week started off with Mr. Trump announcing what our task would be in the lobby of the New York Public Library. As I have said in the past, we always tried to guess what the task might entail by looking at our surroundings. This week the setting gave no clue whatsoever. Our task this week was to create a "viral" video to promote O-Cedar's ProMist mop. During the delivery of the task, the Trumps and the executives were positioned so far away from us that I worried that it would be hard for Lou to read their lips while they were telling us the task. Yet, when we were asked to pick our project manager, Lou stepped up right away. The team had to make sure he had "heard" what we were tasked with doing before he volunteered, but he had been called out in the Boardroom so many times he didn't care and was going to step up no matter what.

Over on Forte, Tia had been accused of flying under the radar for too long, and she stepped up as well. Not without some cutting remarks from Aubrey.

The biggest challenge this week (creatively, at least) was determining the difference between a "viral" video and a regular commercial. The videos that I know of that go viral usually involve someone falling off of a table or getting hit in the crotch with a bat. How to make something that appealing while still keeping the product at the forefront and showing it in a positive light was going to be a challenge.

Let's go ahead and address the elephant in the room... I do not dislike Penn. But I do think he is not the greatest team player all of the time. In about every situation, given a task to handle on his own, I think Penn would be incredible! But, by his own admission, working with people that he didn't get to choose as teammates is not something Penn likes to do. That frustrated me this week. At the end of the day, we have to support the vision of our project manager. Several of us didn't feel that Penn was doing that, and I made my feelings clear. Nuff said.

Over on Forte, I think they might have been better served by speaking their minds a little bit more. Dayana, Debbie and Aubrey spend a good deal of time whispering their concerns about the task to each other. Uh... ladies... these microphones that they have us wear are pretty high tech. Did you really think that if you whispered they wouldn't be able to hear you?? In the end, the only person who really made an effort to speak her mind to Tia was Aubrey, and it seemed to us viewers that Tia didn't seem to pay much attention to Aubrey's concerns. In fact, a suggestion made by Aubrey and ignored by Tia was then accepted by Tia when it was suggested by Lisa. That said, I know a lot of things end up on the cutting room floor when they edit the Unanimous footage together, so I have to realize that some stuff gets cut from Forte as well.

Back in the war rooms, Dee is doing most of the editing for Unanimous giving the rest of us time to do nothing. The computers in our respective war rooms had not been updated with the appropriate software needed for editing, so we had a LOT of downtime in general this particular evening. I wanted to try to clear the air with Penn... maybe not the best idea. He has said he doesn't like to have serious conversations with people. He has said he has only had a serious conversation about three times in his life and only with his partner Teller and with his wife. My guess is that this is probably because he rarely wants to hear what other people are thinking or feeling... but what do I know? The conversation with him was one of the oddest conversations I have ever had with another human being and ended with him just staring blankly at me and not saying a word for two minutes! We were called away to look at the video edit. That's the only thing that stopped the blank staring. And then, after we had looked at the edit, Penn came up to me and said "I'm sorry, Clay. I think we were having a conversation. Shall we finish?" WTH?!?!?... You mean, should we get back to you staring at me and not talking??? I think I'll pass.

When the teams finally present their concepts to the executives, we get a chance to see the "viral" videos in their full form. Unanimous has shot an informative piece with an actress talking about the benefits of the ProMist mop while Lou dances around in the background pretty much looking like a fool. It was great that Lou was willing to commit to it and let the joke be on him, and I think it made the video really special. Forte's concept was a take on the "What's Your Number?" question. It implied that it was asking women how many lovers they had had, but was in fact asking them how many mops they had used in their lifetime. I thought it was a cute concept. Not sure it was executed as well as it could have been, but certainly a clever idea.

In the Boardroom, we discover that the executives preferred the video done by Unanimous. The men head back to our war room while the women duke it out in the Boardroom. It doesn't take long for the team to pile on to Dayana as the weakest member of the team and on to Tia as being the cause of this week's loss. Aubrey goes after Tia with full claws and even makes an intentionally "unintentional" dig at Tia's age. Aubrey may very well be one of the smartest members on the women's team, but here I don't think she was smart enough to hide her intent. Implying that Tia was 50 was obviously not an accident (see Aubrey's nasty 100- year-old comment earlier in the show) and it just made her look petulant. Tia took the high road by not fighting back. In fact, she took the highest road possible and took responsibility for the loss of the team. She "fell on the sword" and allowed Mr. Trump to fire her for the team's loss.

It surprised me that Tia went out without a fight. I honestly believed (as did many of the members of Unanimous) that had she put up a fight she could have survived. However, in the car ride out, Tia explained that she felt the team was beginning to devolve into a lot of backstabbing and cat fighting. She said she did not want to be a part of that. Tia Carrere and Adam Carolla. Two very classy exits from Celebrity Apprentice. Savor it. No one else will go down without a fight for the rest of the season. Promise!

In tribute to Tia's graceful exit, please checkout her charity, After School All-Stars, at http://www.afterschoolallstars.org

Next week, I attempt to put my money where my mouth is, and after weeks of trash talking most everyone on her team, Aubrey attempts to gain your sympathy. Which one of us will be successful? Tune in to find out!

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The Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Halle-Lou-Jah!

'The Celebrity Apprentice' recap: Halle-Lou-jah!

Lou Ferrigno sashays into the kitchen while the women load up on sexual innuendo before devolving into full-blown catfight madness

By Marc Snetiker | Published Mar 19, 2012

I don't know how Dalton Ross does it. Every week, the man manages to wrangle the catty showdowns (from both boy and girl), the brow-raising observations ("Tia, do you want peonies?") and the sheer illogicality of sparring celebrities on Donald Trump's Funtime Ranch of Miserable D-List Cattle. You see, I'm only filling in on this week's recap while Dalton is on vacation, and so I've had to struggle to wrap my brain around how best to relay to you readers the utter ridiculata that is The Celebrity Apprentice.

Last week saw a rare double-whammy firing, with Trump canning two unworthy celebrities: Adam Carolla, who tried to go against Trump Law and wound up excommunicated, and Michael Andretti, who Trump most likely booted for having the personality of a cup of yogurt. But there were no tears when the men returned to the luxury suite with two less players. Instead, Lou "I Can Do Anything" Ferrigno and Tia "Remember Me?" Carrere saw the dual demotions as a warning and quietly vowed that if the two of them didn't step up soon, they were next to be axed. Credits roll… and it's Celebrity Apprentice time! Money money mon-ay!

Flash forward to the next morning, when our troupe of pseudo-celestials arrives on the shiny floor of the New York Public Library. Supposedly, because it has a floor, the Library was the most appropriate place to introduce this week's task about mops, as opposed to, say, a place where you can actually buy a mop. The task? To create a viral video for O-Cedar, a century-old cleaning product company that I've never heard of. This week, Trump is flanked by two O-Cedar executives (who clearly attended the Michael Andretti School of Public Speaking) and his male Trumplings, Don Jr. and Eric, who will no doubt have zero expertise on the topic of cleaning (says Don. Jr. later, "I don't do mopping"). Flabbergasted, I am not.

As discussed the night before, Lou and Tia quickly volunteered to be the project managers for their respective teams, but this wouldn't be Celebrity Apprentice if they didn't duly embarrass themselves first: Tia, with the gem, "My ex is in the commercial business, so I've seen all the videos and all the directors," and Lou, who does two push-ups to demonstrate his project managing strength (because Hulk forbid that he do something in this competition without first acting like a street monkey who dances for bananas -- or, in this case, like a veiny mound of plastic-wrap that does calisthenics for shots of protein powder).

And we're off, back in the vans on the way to some swanky think-space that doubles as a luxury bar -- only this week, there's no cool van! No! This means that "everyone's" "favorite" pop "star" Aubrey O'Day must sit with the laymen (or, as she characterizes them, the despicable beige paint worker bees). As we learn from Aubrey, this is not acceptable, because being in such close proximity to Dayana Mendoza's bad ideas is simply too much of a burden for one girl to bear. "As Debbie and Lisa and I are coming up with good ideas," she said, "we had Dayana in the back coming up with every bad idea I've ever heard." So shall we assume Dayana was the one who gave Aubrey the idea to dye her hair Iron Man cinnamon?

The Unanimous guys can't even float ideas, though, until someone can explain to Paul Teutul, Sr., what the word "viral" means. (That someone, of course, being intellectual centaur Penn Jillette.) Once they're up in their think-space, Lou yet again offers his thespian background for the task, proposing that he be the metaphorical Kate Winslet for a team full of Leonardo DiCaprios aching to sketch his portrait. (Titanic 3D, coming to theaters April 4th!) The men don't exaggerate when they say that Lou always offers one thing -- himself -- but this time, they actually take Lou up on the offer to star in the ad. An apron-clad Hulk is viral, right? Seems like a good idea at the time, anyway. But the decision comes only after Lou notably misunderstands one of the O-Cedar execubots explaining that the "product must be the hero" in the video. Once again, Encyclopedia Penn must clear things up, explaining that "hero" is just a figure of speech in this regard. But Lou has already heard the word hero, and decides there must be a superhero theme. Lou hears hero, Lou is hero, Lou roars!!!

Cue the first freak-out from Clay "Bearded Gummi Bear" Aiken, who is suffering from his own brand of confusion as made evident by the mass of red hair on his face, which leads me to believe that he thinks the no-shave rules of Survivor (another entry in the Dalton Ross Masterpiece Theater) apply to this reality show as well. Red-eyed and redheaded, Clay lashes out at Penn for shooting down the group's superhero idea. Personally, I found Penn's actions to be completely defendable, mainly due to the fact that the superhero idea sucked. But Clay takes Penn's dissent personally, while Dee says Penn is "overthinking" the idea (which is a word that is grossly misused by the traditionally under-thinking men's team). But old reliable Paul was normal-thinking, as he solved the entire hero dilemma by suggesting the eventual tagline winner, "I'm gonna mop the floor with you." Case closed. Paul says, "Blam!," and apparently that means the concept for Unanimous is un-unanimously settled.

Back to the girls. The male O-Cedar execubot tells the women of Forte that sexy is mop-appropriate, so the question of how sexy is too sexy is bandied about as Aubrey ponders whether "someone my age" would want to pass the video around (because 27-year-olds are the new every-year-olds). Suddenly, Lisa comes up with the idea of "What's Your Number?" No, not the bemoaned Anna Faris-Chris Evans movie from 2011 (which, honestly, I kind of enjoyed). No, this new gem involved recounting past mops as a metaphor for former sleeping partners, boyfriends, or, as at least one of the women genuinely believed, legitimate mops. The women all seem to be on board, except Prude Patricia, who is, as identified, a total prude.

The women task themselves with composing short paragraphs filled with sexual innuendo about mopping. But when it comes time for Dayana to read hers, she misplaces her essay about mops and accidentally reads the 95 Theses to a group of 16th-century Catholic fundamentalists. Or, wait, she didn't do that? That's what you'd think she did, based on the women's reaction, since Dayana's incendiary story is apparently so ludicrously lewd that even Lisa "I'm A Dirty, Dirty Girl" Lampanelli can't even stomach the raunch. "I'm a dirty comedian but I know not to go off on some sexual tangent when it comes to a mop," says Lisa before leaning back and chugging a vial of dirt.

There's some more minor cavewoman-like drama when it comes to t-shirts (Patricia want design graphics! Debbie want be useful!) and camera angles, with Tia shooting down an idea by Aubrey, who once again enlightens us on her expertise in everything ("On every single task, I've either been the creator, the director, the conceptual visionary or all three in general, but Tia refuses to listen to me and I want to sock her in the face," she elegantly mused). If it sounds like I'm devoting most of my vitriol towards Aubrey, it's because she was essentially this week's only sound bite-worthy lioness in the pack. However, I have to side with Aubrey on Tia's outrageous disregard for her opinion, which Project Manager Carrere accepted -- disguised as Lisa's opinion -- a few minutes later. That tricky cheerleading clique strikes again! Will Aubrey never stop in her reign as prom queen!? But my sympathy quickly stops when she mugs to the camera a la John Krasinski on The Office, which isn't acceptable, even on The Office.

For the guys, it's filming time, and Arsenio, Clay and Dee show support for their favorite Ferrigno when Lou struggles with some of the dialogue. As if poor Lou wasn't embarrassed enough at being harangued about not being able to pronounce the word "dirt," the men then decide that he should also dance with the mop. Tres elegant. But even though I'm embarrassed for Lou, the Incredible Bulk shows no signs of humiliation. He lives for this. "I've danced in the past," he asserts. "I have control of all the muscles in my body and show how a big man can move his butt just like a woman." Always the classy one, that Lou.

We're subsequently treated to a montage of Lou "cavorting in an apron humping a damn mop," narrates Dee, and there's nothing exaggeratory about it. Lou glides around the kitchen set like he's on Dancing with the Swiffers, but his mirth is interrupted by a visitor. Who is it? Why, it's Eric, the creepiest of the Trumplings! Meanwhile, Don, Jr. stops in to see the women and reminds us that nobody, anywhere, ever wants to hear about the sexual experiences of the Trump children. A conversation in which Don, Jr.'s was uncannily coy about his "mop number" marked the first of two times in this episode that a mention of Trump intercourse made me audibly gag.

The woman at this point have started filming, lest they fall victim to the uncomfortable tension between them which is threatening to eat them alive, stilettos and all. Once again, Lisa Lampanelli proves that she's one outburst away from being a jilted Disney stepmother, waxing Maleficent when she screams that "everyone does not have to be a f------ star!" This is, of course, in regards to Dayana's desire to be in on the presentation, of which new BFFs Debbie and Aubrey have taken ownership. At this point, the battle lines for the boardroom are drawn with a permanent marker: Lisa, Aubrey and Debbie on one colorfully opinionated side; Tia and Teresa floating somewhere in acumen purgatory; and lone dissenters Dayana and Patricia, who will of course unconditionally support each other because of their unspoken membership in the secret Venezuelan model society Skull and Bone Structure.

Before we get to the presentations, though, there's one more outburst to address, and it's from Unanimous's resident ginger Teddy Ruxpin, Clay Aiken, who is so frustrated with Penn's condescension that he feels compelled to address it. After all, as Clay tells us, "My mama would not be proud of me if I didn't try to massage this and make it work out." At this point, every 30 Rock fan did a double-take to be sure they weren't listening to Kenneth. I mean, I did. And I was shocked. I hadn't put this comparison together, but my God, man: they are the same. With the twangy vocabulary of 30 Rock'sKenneth, the amorphous jaw of Buzz Lightyear and the wild mane of a Troll doll, Clay has officially crossed into full-on cartoon mode, which meant that I couldn't even take his showdown with Penn seriously (nor could Penn, it seemed). Finally, after Clay's confrontation and a wacky misunderstanding in which Dayana orders a bouquet of penis, it's time for presentations.

The presentation aspect of Celebrity Apprentice is notoriously cringe-worthy. The men were straight to the point, with Lou nippily introducing his video ("I never thought in my lifetime I would be filming a video with a mop"). In all honesty, it wasn't half-bad. Sufficiently awkward, yes, but it was certainly more Facebook share-worthy ("Hey, Jan, check out this crazy video of Lou Ferrigno dancing!") than the debacle that was the women's video. If the men's video was an awkward turtle, the women's was an awkward whaleshark. After a squirm-inducing skit, the women's video bombed, and the O-Cedar execubots looked about as happy as a fried hard drive.

And then… finally… it's boardroom time (after a brief interstitial with Vanessa "Brown M&M" Williams that I'm pretty certain was making fun of Tia Carrere's ugly hipster glasses). I'm sure this is where you expected the meat of the recap to be, but I don't think the boardroom translates too well into literature, so let me give you my timeline of how everything went down:

The men support Lou. Lou says "Halle-Lou-jah." Trump says "Halle-Lou-jah." Lou expresses his confidence in the team. The team expresses confidence in Lou. Lou reveals he has had both knees and hips replaced (the Artificial Hulk?). Trump says he doesn't exercise. Trump says, "Trump keeps chugging along." Penn makes a happy face that looks like an emoticon.

As is the usual Donald method, Trump launches into his "Who would you fire?" pot-stirring madness. Dee tosses out Paul's name, which is ludicrous considering that the entire concept was Paul's idea, which has certainly been enough to fire an erstwhile contestant before but presently does not appear to hold much weight. Paul fends off the attack, but Trump moves on to his next target, Arsenio, who says, "I would say Paul but this is really hard because without him, we wouldn't have a concept." (Again, then, why would they say Paul?) Paul seems miraculously unbothered and somehow defends himself again, so Trump circles around to Lou, who says he would bring back Paul and Penn if he lost.

The inclusion of Penn somehow upsets the Donald, and Lou has to explain that Penn doesn't have enough compassion for people's feelings, which is apparently the show's criteria now. Clay gets involved and continues his meltdown with Penn, but Trump glosses over it. Instead, he tells Clay that he should have wonAmerican Idol and, for no reason whatsoever, Trump decides to compliment the Arsenio Hall Show as well. But it's no matter – we find out the men have won! This is in spite of the fact that the O-Cedarbots thought the men's video needed to be "more viral" (which, unfortunately, is not actually achievable at this stage, but is instead one of the more frustrating phrases that proves that middle-aged digital folks just don't seem to understand anything about technology, but I digress).

So what about the women? That is, what about the Shakespearean tragedy that is Forte's trip to the boardroom? From the get-go, the women began to fall apart, and what transpired over the course of 30 minutes was what Trump called an "amazing boardroom." And I have to agree. Everyone seemed to be on the chopping block, and insults flew through the air with blatant disregard for direction like a drunk game of Chutes and Ladders.

At the start, it seems that Tia firmly believes she's in no danger, regardless of whether they win or lose. Lisa, on the other hand, seems to disagree, as the blame game commences almost immediately after the boardroom begins. There are, in essence, a number of interesting things going on for the women's side, although this list of debaucherous statements is not in chronological order (can you blame me? It was chaos!):

-Lisa, the Queen Bee, can't decide who she wants to bring down first. She initially attacks Tia for not having "a true handle on the entire operation," before proclaiming that the other women are simply worker bees toiling for the Three Grand Poobahs of Creativity. She then turns on Teresa, briefly, before ditching that future trainwreck of a confrontation (phew!) and setting her sights on Dayana, whom she names the least valuable team member.

-Dayana, the Pretty Bee, deflects the attack and brings up Debbie (nay, Debra, nay, Debbie) out of the blue, who she thinks is overly emotional.

-Debbie, the Singing Bee, shuffles that frustration towards Patricia, who didn't let her do graphic design.

-Patricia, the Prude Bee, gets offended and claims that the weakest player is Teresa, whose eyes are too far apart.

-Teresa, the Bee whose eyes are too far apart, lashes back at Patricia, claiming that she can do anything, including write three books with a ghost writer.

-Queen Bee Lisa again brings up Dayana's dirty monologue from earlier (which wasn't even used in the video) as fodder for her dismissal. The girls fumble over each other trying to explain Dayana's composition to Trump, with everyone basically repeating the word "double entendre" except for Aubrey, who most likely got tripped up on the word "double."

-Aubrey, the Moronic Bee, decides that enough is enough and lectures the home viewers on what womanhood is before initiating a blow-out with Tia. The topic circles around to their age difference and Tia's ostensible insensitivity that Aubrey used to be "fat and unpopular" (which nobody believes, as Aubrey hadn't yet been beamed down to Earth from her spaceship until well after her high school years).

At this point, Tia is consistently speechless, Debbie is silent, Lisa can't decide who she is aiming at, Aubrey has just explained the meaning of life, Dayana and Patricia want to go back to Venezuela, Teresa's eyes are too far apart, I gag when Donald starts talking about sex, and Arsenio and Dee have devolved into a full-on peanut gallery:

Dee: Everybody quiet! Aubrey's speaking!

Arsenio: What is she saying?

Dee: Something about herself.

It appears like Dayana has the most naysayers, and her head is most exposed as Trump ­asks Tia for the two fellow losers she wants to bring back. But then things get crackers. You see, Tia believes that given Trump's decision to fire both Adam "Funnyman" Carolla and Michael "Man" Andretti last week, he will fire two people again if she takes responsibility for the team's loss and brings back no one. But that's not how Trump's mind operates, and how Tia ever thought that plan would work is beyond me. Trump, unhappy that someone else is trying to violate his rules, refuses, and Tia Carrere is officially fired, with the most ridiculous part being that she may actually have been safe had she not tried to imitate Adam Carolla (is that ever a good thing?).

Both the men and the women are shocked, but Tia seemed to accept her fate happily. Arsenio, our resident psychologist, argued (and I agree) that Tia might not have wanted to get chewed out, so she volunteered to jump on the knife. Which would make sense, certainly, but which doesn't negate the fact that Tia was not in nearly as much danger as she made it out to be. Dayana has to go eventually, and dragging her down now would have been Tia's best bet. But alas, that's not the way things roll on The Celebrity Apprentice. Tia bowed out gracefully, struck a quick pose in the elevator (why??), and headed out back into obscurity.

So what did you think of the episode? Do you agree with Trump's characterization of the "amazing" boardroom? Was Tia's move one of the dumbest in Celebrity Apprentice history? How do you think the women will work together next week, now that everyone has been attacked by everyone? Will Lisa and Clay have more eruptions? Will Dayana call Aubrey "Obrey"? And will Paul Teutul Sr. finally learn what the word "viral" means!? Dalton Ross is back next week for your usual debauchery, but I'll be watching, waiting and worrying that with every further episode of Celebrity Apprentice, I lose a little more faith in humanity. Farewell!

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"Celebrity Apprentice" Recap: Cleanup Duty

'Celebrity Apprentice' Recap: Cleanup Duty

Mop topples women's project manager

by KATY KROLLMarch 19, 2012 10:10 AM ET

Tensions are running high for the remaining contestants on Celebrity Apprentice after Adam Carolla tried to take the fall for his team's loss – and wound up getting both himself and Michael Andretti fired in the process.

Needless to say, no one wants their team to suffer the same fate again. So when the women lose this week's task, Tia Carrere holds Donald Trump's feet to the fire before she achieves reality-show martyrdom by falling on the sword.

But let's back up.

After their second straight win, the women discuss how they must stay focused and stop squabbling in order to stay on top. Easier said than done, right?

On the flipside, some men (cough, Arsenio Hall, cough) are still gunning for Lou Ferrigno, who has now dodged several boardroom bullets. Knowing he's in deep doo-doo, Lou knows it's time to prove he isn't the weakest link. Also easier said than done, right?

This week's challenge involves promoting a new mop for O-Cedar. (Thrilling, I know.) The teams must create an original theme and use that theme in a viral video to promote the product. They will be judged on product integration, entertainment value and brand messaging, with the winning project manager nabbing $50,000 for his or her charity. The PMs are Lou and Tia.

After meeting with the company execs, the ladies come up with a double entendre: "What's Your Number?" It's implied they're asking, "How many people have you banged?" But all they really wanna know is how many mops you've used in your lifetime. Phew! Wait . . . what?

Meanwhile, the men come up with the catch phrase "I'll mop the floor with you," featuring muscle-bound Lou making the product the "hero." It only took five weeks, but the former TV Hulk finally found a way to flex his pecs for the camera. But when Penn Jillette takes issue with the idea, he beats on it like a boxer going after a championship belt. Before he can completely crush the Hulk's spirit, though, voice of reason Clay Aiken swoops in like an angel and breaks things up, calling Penn out for being "negative" and trying to "set Lou up to fail." Snap!

In the women's war room, Dayana Mendoza thinks their theme is too confusing. She puts pen to paper and comes up with a racy, entendre-fueled monologue about her "first time." Loudmouth comedian Lisa Lampanelli thinks it's inappropriate – and if she thinks you should pull the brakes, you should probably use all your weight. They eventually compromise and come up with a more boring . . . oops, I mean, less eyebrow-raising version.

When it's time to shoot the videos, Penn is still licking his wounds over Clay's comments. The two sit down and try to smooth things over, but the conversation just seems to go in circles. They finally call a (temporary) truce in order to focus on the task at hand: putting Lou in a pink cupcake-print apron and filming him dancing around a kitchen with a mop. Cha-ching!

Back in LadyLand, Tia and the always outspoken Aubrey O'Day are clashing when it comes to the creative vision of the video, which features each team member discussing her "number." When Aubrey makes a suggestion about how to shoot it, Tia shuts her down. To prove it's personal, Aubrey plays a game of telephone, telling Lisa to approach Tia with the exact same idea. And guess what? Tia decides to roll with it. Burn!

While the men are hitting their share of speed bumps, the women are seriously unraveling. Debbie Gibson questions teammates about whether they "get" the concept. Aubrey feels like she's being relegated to the corner even though her ideas are clearly "brilliant." And Lisa loses it when Dayana keeps trying to insert herself wherever she can. (Sorry, Dayana, we still don't know and don't care who you are.)

After playing their videos to the execs, the teams face off in the boardroom. It's do or die time for Lou, who knows he'll be on the chopping block once again if his team loses. But they don't, as the company thought they knocked it out of the park by making the mop the "hero" of the story. Cupcakes for all!

Soon the female mud wrestling begins, as the ladies start slinging anything they think will stick at each other in order to save their own hides. First Tia and Debbie butt heads when Tia calls the Eighties pop icon a control freak. Then Tia and Lisa go at it when Lisa refuses to mince words about the fact the project manager should be fired. Finally, Tia and Aubrey rip into each other, as Aubrey claims Tia's jealousy got in the way of her being an effective leader. (For the record, Tia's biggest claim to fame is her role as the hot chick in the Wayne's World movies, and Aubrey was in the Making the Band-manufactured girl group Danity Kane. Yeah, I'm not sure where these egos are coming from either.)

Anyway, the common thread here? Tia. Thankfully, she's smart enough to see the writing on the wall: It's time to go.

When Trump asks which two women she wants to place in front of the firing squad, she asks him point-blank: if she takes full responsibility, like Adam did last week, will two people be fired? His answer: No.

With that, Tia takes the blame and is fired on the spot. She feels she can leave with her "head held high" before the season turns "ugly and cruel." Here's hoping your prophecy comes true, Tia! Things really need to get juicier.

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Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings: An Unlikely Alliance Puts Debbie Gibson On Top

Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings: An Unlikely Alliance Puts Debbie Gibson On Top


Jessica Grabert and Mack Rawdenpublished: 2012-03-19 16:01:56


Before the challenge even started, it seemed like a week for Tia Carrere and Lou Ferrigno to step up to the plate. Coming out of a difficult board room that saw Donald Trump fire two, Ferrigno warned Tia that if they did not step up, they would almost certainly face firing in the weeks to come. So when mop purveyors O-Cedar challenged the two teams to create viral videos for the company, Tia and Lou immediately volunteered as project managers.

Creating a video about a mop that could potentially go viral was a difficult task, made more so when the O-Cedar people seemed to be focusing on different facets of the product during the men's and women's individual question and answer sessions. Partially because of this, the women went with a sexy mop theme, while the men, unsurprisingly, opted for a funny video.

Before they got to the actual semantics of shooting and editing a video, there was plenty of drama, this time on both team's ends. Penn was being rather nitpicky and Clay went off of his rocker about it, eventually calling Penn "condescending." I'm pretty sure Penn just over thinks, but now the dagger has been thrown, this set of power rankings fully expects the two to clash in weeks to come. On the women's end, an uneasy alliance formed between Lisa Lampanelli, Aubrey O'Day, and Debbie Gibson to create an effective product. Thus far, it seems the trio plans to shut capable women like Patricia and less capable women, like Dayana out of the tasks. The strategy seems sound, for now, but it also means boardrooms could get crazy if the three have to fight it out amongst themselves.

This week featured one hell of a boardroom. Both the men and the women's teams succumbed to unnecessary caterwauling before even finding out who had won the task. With the women's sexy theme, Trump was even awkward, at one point actually stating he "never thinks about sex." Once it was determined the women had actually lost the challenge due to the theme being slightly controversial, the verbal debates heated up. Even though Aubrey got out a lengthy rant out at one point, Lisa may have actually taken the cake, yelling at the women that some people are just better than others as well as stating she finds the team attitude with the women to be "sickening." Ultimately, Tia just gave up and headed home. With that lot, I almost don't blame her. Almost.

The Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings are an ordered compilation of weekly lists put together by TV Blend writers Jessica Grabert and Mack Rawden. Each week after viewing the episode, they each rank the competitors in order. Seventeen points are given for a first place vote, and this week, six were given for a last place vote. Here is how this week's voting panned out, complete with analysis on how the celebrities might fare moving forward.


The Favorites

#1) Debbie Gibson (33): After four weeks of Penn dominance, Debbie Gibson has ascended to the top of the rankings. Sure, you could say this is more a product of the magician's attitude this past week, but it is important to give credit where credit is due. Gibson put aside her hard feelings toward Aubrey O'Day, and the two actually bonded as they effortlessly completed their portion of the task. With a win as project manager under her belt and consistent supporting efforts, Gibson has emerged as a frontrunner. We'll see how long she can stay there.

#2) Penn Jillette (32): Penn dropped a few marks this week, due to his general malaise after being called out by Clay. While it seems as if Clay could have handled his outburst a bit more tactfully, some of his points were heartfelt and could help Penn to emerge as a better team player. Unfortunately, this week, Penn did not rise to the occasion and was a bit of a grumpy guy during the actual challenge. Hopefully, he was just in a bit of a funk and will snap out of it before next week. He has solid ideas and execution, and if Penn falls on hard times it could be a problem for the men's team as well as for Penn himself.

#3) Dee Snider (31): Thus far in the competition, Snider has been able to find a nice balance between working hard, remaining positive and actually taking on assignments. This week he worked as the viral video's director, arguably the most important job other than appearing on camera. He stayed on task, moved the guys along when the shots were done and ultimately picked out the correct takes. He would probably have ranked higher were it not for the fact that he hasn't been project manager. He, Clay, and Arsenio are the three men who haven't yet taken the lead job, and until he does, there's no way he'll be able to ascend any higher.

#4) Aubrey O'Day (27): Aubrey was full of fire and brimstone this week, starting as much nonsense as she could possibly keep track of. After creating an alliance with Lisa and Debbie, Aubrey went on an attack against Dayana and especially Tia. Her cutting words were not nearly as priceless as the moment she claimed she was fat and ugly in college. Probably explains why she can't handle Dayana being more attractive than her. Still, Aubrey did put effort into her task and executed the presentation portion with Debbie at her side. Like Eddie Murphy's character in 1000 Words she just needs to be a little careful with what comes out of her mouth and her tenure on Apprentice will be long and fruitful.


The Contenders

#5) Clay Aiken (25): There are two ways you can look at Clay's performance this week. Either a) he was a rock star for calling Jillette out for negativity, or :cool: he was an idiot for handling the situation with far more emotion and aggression than was needed. One's answer to that question probably depends on his or her opinion of Penn. The team won so it's hard to criticize too strongly, but his outburst also frustrated Penn who, thus far, has clearly been the men's best player. As a strategy to move further in the competition, Aiken's behavior might prove useful but as a strategy to beat the women, it could be very costly.

#6) Patricia Velasquez(24): Patricia has been an even-keeled contender throughout this season of Celebrity Apprentice. She continually takes up the graphic design portion of the tasks, ensuring she participates heavily, although often not creatively. She is nearly never a target of a criticism from another one of the women. If she maintains her low-key but competent presence, she just may eke by until the end.

#7) Paul Teutul Sr. (23): I have no idea why Paul Sr was called out by so many people in the boardroom. He supplied the idea for the winning concept. Given how far acting is out of his comfort zone, that's a big contribution, and it points to a larger pattern of Paul Sr. quietly being solid throughout every task. There have been better project managers and there have been better supporting players, but Teutul has consistently pulled his weight. Fingers crossed for another challenge in which he can make signs.

#8) Arsenio Hall (21): Arsenio is the most affable guy on the men's team. He is eager to please and willing to help each task. Like several of the other men, he has yet to step up as a project manager. Couple his lack of leadership experience with the fact he has not been an idea machine, and you have a contestant who has generally been willing to take someone else's lead (this week it was Clay). It's not that Arsenio is lacking in all of the skills needed to compete in the competition, but with his jokes and his willingness to take center stage in the boardroom, he needs to step it up a notch to not be seen as an easy target when projects go awry.


The Dark Horses

#9) Lisa Lampanelli (18): As stated before, Lisa, Aubrey and Debbie are the three women who have provided basically all of the ideas for the women throughoutCelebrity Apprentice. Thus, in theory, she should be ranked higher. Unfortunately, Lisa's questionable run as project manager coupled with her frequent outbursts, don't forecast well for her future. This week, she popped off on Dayana and some of the other women for always wanting to be in front of the camera. Her point was probably well placed. Unfortunately, she screamed about it way longer than necessary, pissing off her team members and hammering home the idea unnecessarily. Sometimes it's better to pick and choose your battles.

#10) Lou Ferrigno (16): Lou performed fairly well this week. He also has several men now championing for him, including the outspoken Aiken and the eager-to-please Arsenio. At the end of the day, while Lou was "the face" of the viral video, the idea was Paul's and the directing and editing came together due to Dee and several other members of the team. Maybe this win will get the men off Lou's back for a few weeks, but, at the end of the day, his biggest contributions have been with the grunt work, not on the creative end and he was not the best delegatorApprentice has ever seen. It takes more than that to become a winner in this competition.

#11) Dayana Mendoza (14): Dayana tries so hard. Unlike Teresa and Patricia, she is a fountain of ideas. Unfortunately, her ideas thus far have largely been unusable. I appreciate the fact that she won as project manager, but the women were clearly set up to win that task from the beginning. It was in their wheelhouse; so, it's hard to count her victory as a sign of something larger. If the women don't win next week and Dayana doesn't provide a significant contribution, she will get hammered in the boardroom again by Lisa and Aubrey, and at that point, Trump might finally say enough is enough.

#12) Teresa Giudice (12): Teresa was a non-presence on the women's team again this week. What is most striking about this is that Patricia seems to be the only person willing to call her out on it. Even Trump hasn't given her too hard of a time thus far, and she's slid by with most of the women due to their focus on bringing down Dayana. It is time Teresa stepped up and stepped up fast, or she will find more than a few choice terms thrown at her in the boardroom.

Here's a look at how the ballots shook out…


Debbie Gibson (17)

Dee Snider (16)

Penn Jillette (15)

Clay Aiken (14)

Aubrey O'Day (13)

Patricia Velasquez (12)

Arsenio Hall (11)

Paul Teutul Sr. (10)

Lisa Lampanelli (9)

Lou Ferrigno (8)

Dayana Mendoza (7)

Teresa Giudice (6)


Penn Jillette (17)

Debbie Gibson (16)

Dee Snider (15)

Aubrey O'Day (14)

Paul Teutul Sr. (13)

Patricia Velasquez (12)

Clay Aiken (11)

Arsenio Hall (10)

Lisa Lampanelli (9)

Lou Ferrigno (8)

Dayana Mendoza (7)

Teresa Giudice (6)

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First, catching up:

Celebrity Apprentice: The $305,00 Sandwich

Celebrity Apprentice Recap – The $305,000 Sandwich

Hi there Gasmii!

This week on Celebrity Apprentice, we met the contestants and had to send one of them packing. The episode started off with Sparky strolling across the stage of the Lincoln Center while an orchestra serenaded him with the show's theme song. All the contestants were huddled in a group waiting for him, which is pretty amusing, because there are some big egos in that crowd. Imagine these movie stars, models and Grammy winners having to be their own stand-in and waiting on the Trumpster! I guess it goes to show what people are willing to do for charity.

Katy-Perry-slimed.jpgBut then again, they'll do anything to stay in the spotlight.

Sparky welcomes the new contestants and talks about how the Lincoln Center is the largest performing arts space in the world, which is why they will make sandwiches for their first challenge. I don't know what his point was – something about money being raised to renovate the center. Then Sparky starts to randomly talk to a few of the contestants.

Arsenio starts off with a joke about not wanting to be the first black man to lose to Clay Aiken. Awkward!

Clay-Laughing-300x210.jpgThis is me laughing after drinking your blood, Aresnio!

Then Sparky talks to Teresa and agrees with her as she says she's the fiery Italian housewife. Except she seems meek and quiet. Then Sparky looks at her and says, "go ahead." Go ahead and what? Poor girl is as perplexed as I am.

Teresa-what-should-I-say.jpgWhat do I say?

She tells us who she is and Sparky listens in, nodding approvingly. WTF? This whole thing feels really weird and awkward. Teresa tells us she has two cookbooks on the NY Times bestseller list.

Aubrey-two-cook-books-smirk.jpgPlease. A dead cat could write a cook book!

Sparky starts talking to Lisa and mentions how she roasted him on Comedy Central and now he intends to get her back. She laughs and tells him she's very afraid of him right now. Then she says it's great to be the only black woman standing on the dais. WTF kind of bizarre world have I been sucked into?

Lisa-laughing.jpgBTW, Debbie Gibson looks viscious!

Then Adam Corolla tells us he's playing for a charity called White Kids without Eye Pads. Everyone laughs politely and I have to ask; is this guy really funny? Because everything that comes out of his mouth is always a joke and it's never a funny one. At least it doesn't speak to my sense of humor. And it's so boring knowing that the first thing he always says is a bad joke. He's playing for Catholic Big Brothers.

Adam-not-funny.jpgWhat about this man doesn't say pasty dough boy?

Sparky moves on to Victoria Gotti and the predictable mafia jokes about not wanting to disappear and being afraid to fire her are let loose.

Victoria-Goldilocks.jpgIt sort of looks like Goldilocks went out with

Whitney, Brittney and Lindsey last night.

Victoria predicts that Debbie Gibson will be demanding. From what I'm seeing, my image of the cute girl singing Only In My Dreams is going to be dashed very quickly. Debbie looks like a battle ax ready for war. I think Victoria is right. She also suggests Lisa will be tough competition.

Then, for no reason whatsoever, Arsenio pipes up from the background.

Arsenio-doesnt-like-Victoria.jpg"I don't like the Gotti woman already."

(Tia still has jet lag.)

What the hell was that? Everyone laughs but I'm wondering what's going on here? That seemed so rude, especially since Victoria didn't name names when asked who she had it out for. Then Lisa pipes up as if this is a free for all and says Takei has it coming. She points at Mr. Sulu and has the audacity to say, "I'm gunning for you, bitch."


George shoots back that he has his eye on her and his loins are girded. I'm completely creeped out thinking about ancient Mr. Sulu loins. Clearly this tete-a-tete was not scripted. This is the most bizarre beginning of a show I've ever seen. Does The Don understand anything about hosting?

Donald-raccoon-eyes.jpgAlso, does he choose not to put make-up around

his eyes so we'll all think it's a real tan and that

was where his sunglasses blocked out the rays?

So Sparky divides the teams into men vs. women, which sucks because I think most of the strongest competitors are men this season. He tells them to go pick project managers for the first assignment and to come up with team names.

In the men's room, they have gathered and Lou suggests they start with creating a team name. Adam pipes in with the following bad jokes: how about team back hair or the TRUMP-ateers. Or maybe the honey badgers or the urinal cakes.

Paul-perplexed.jpgI think I'm wearing the same expression, as

Adam wastes three minutes out of all our lives.

Actually, Clay hits it right on the head, "Mr. Trump does not suffer childishness." That's the problem with Adam. His jokes are immature. And here's an alarming turn of events;

Clay-looks-like-the-don.jpgThey say mimicking is the best form of flattery.

Anyone see a little Sparky in Clay right now?

George suggests they call the team Galactic Force. Because, as he points out when Penn suggests it, calling the team Enterprise is just too obvious. I'm a little concerned for Takei. I think he's getting one of those old people diseases where they get confused about who they really are.

George-as-Spock.jpgLive long and prosper was not your tag line, Mr. Sulu!

Stupid Adam interjects in an interview that he doesn't want to pretend he's a Trekkie. Then he ad-libs that he had neighbors who were Trekkies. After pausing to find a funny ending, he lamely zings out, "they were alcoholics." No, Adam, that was the neighbors who watched Roseanne. Your other neighbors, the Trekkies, are now creating the tools for you to podcast your retarded show that no one wanted so you have to release yourself. Dumb ass.

Trekkies.jpgNever insult Trekkies.

No thanks to butt-hole Adam, the men finally come to a decision on a team name. They will be calling themselves Unanimous.

In the women's room, they are tossing around names like bone crushers, bad ass bears, vincitore (Italian for winner), prowess, "we all have fabulous hair. Can we do something with that?", and I think Debbie comes up with the winner, Forte. It's not a bad name, I actually like it better than Unanimous.

Patricia announces she wants to be project manager, as she has plenty of experience managing a charity foundation. During her interview, she sounds highly capable and intelligent.

Dayana-wants-to-be-project-manager.jpgHot and smart. Gonna have to revise my prediction on this one.

She sounds pretty freaking amazing. Apparently, her foundation, the Wayuu Taya Foundation has 500 kids sleeping under trees waiting for her to build a school, so she can give them an education, meals and health care. She used to be one of those kids and it is clear this cause hits very close to home for her.

Patricia-weight-of-the-world.jpgYou can see the weight on her shoulders.

Back in the men's lounge, no one is speaking up and offering to be the project manager. For once, Adam rightly points out it was the only time there was silence at the table. Adam tries to suggest that some people would be good at specific tasks and others would be better to step up to universal or unknown tasks. His for instance is that Paul might be better for a very specific task, at which point, Paul points out that he has run a successful business for 40 years, and he really doesn't care, so he'll do it.

With that, Sparky calls them all to the board room.

DJ-dorkus.jpgDJ; dorkus amongus

Ivanka-waits.jpgWouldn't it suck if your younger sister was smarter and more hip?

Richie-Rich-tile-300x132.jpgJust saying.

Okay, I know nothing about DJ, so I'll lighten up.

Trump informs us that Marco Andretti is missing from the men's team because he had a sudden death of a close friend. His father, Michael Andretti will be taking his place on the show because they believe in their charity (Racing for Cancer) so strongly. Sparky says Michael will be showing up very soon.

Side note: Is it a surprise to professional race car drivers when their friends and family in the biz die in fiery crashes? Seems to me once Dale Earnhardt bit the dust, they must have realized anyone was fair game.

Sparky doles out assignment number one: compete by making celebrity sandwiches. The winning team will be the team that makes the most money in terms of sales and tips. Keep that word tips in mind; it will become important. Whichever project manager wins will get a lot of money donated to their foundation. Paul is playing for Make A Wish Foundation.

Sparky demonstrates his business acumen with the following sendoff:

Donalad-make-delicious-sandwich.jpg"Make delicious sandwiches and lots of money."

End Part 1!

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Begin part 2!

Adam impresses me as the men regroup by getting right down to business and surmising that they aren't going for sandwich volume. This lead to a discussion about how much each thinks they can bring in and shockingly, Paul predicts he can bring in "half a mil". Seriously, he said half a million dollars! What the hell? Then he says, if he can't bring it in, he'll do it himself. Is that allowed? Anyway, the smarties are starting to show as Adam decides to go back to the hotel and crack a beer, Clay decides to save his big guns for later and Penn says they should still try to actually sell sandwiches. Penn is clearly the visionary here and it's his ideas that lead to a Chopper-centric sandwich theme, surrounding Paul's identity.

Paul-what-are-we-talking-about-300x241.jpgWhat are we talking about?

Penn-branding-matters.jpg"Branding matters!"

Clay-thinks-Penn-is-hot.jpgDamn, Penn is smart. That's hot!

The men wisely decide to head over to their deli and check out the space.

Meanwhile, in Forte's meeting room:

Cheryls-awesome-gams.jpg65 and she's still got it. You go, Cheryl!

Patricia suggests a carnival, which Victoria rightly points out means needing permits. Patricia, a true South American, simply responds, "let the police come."

Victoria-let-the-police-come.jpgBitch, do you have any idea what my life story is???

Debbie suggests a take-off on the idea of a carnival with a red carpet arrival to the deli. Not a bad idea, but I don't honestly see how that is a take off on clowns and ferris wheels. She says she can take one of her songs, Only In My Dreams, or something….

Aubrey-sucks-teeth.jpgThat's so 1984.

Debbis-snarls.jpgI'm still a significant artist, little pink plastic bitch!

Victoria is a smarty. While all the girls are planning on being outside to attract customers with their celebrity appeal, Victoria has to ask the most obvious question. Who is making the sandwiches?

They decide to have three celebrity sandwiches represented by Cheryl Tiegs (the diet sandwich), Teresa (the Italian sandwich) and they're deliberating on the third. I just have to quote obsolete Aubrey here, becasue she cracks me up;

Aubrey-I-am-most-noticeable.jpg"When we first started deciding who was the most recognizable,

I was in disgust. I've been part of double platinum girl group

Danity Kane and the reality is I can run circles around most

people here. So them underestimating me probably isn't the

best idea, because out of all the women on this team,

I have the most Twitter followers."

Okay, whoever you are. First of all, WRONG! Teresa has the most Twitter followers at 418,453. Granted you are a close second at 384,692 (Lisa comes in third at 274, 408). Secondly, Aubrey, that means nothing. You know who else has thousands of followers? Samantha Ronson. Actually she has over a million followers. And I have no idea who she is either, except she used to date Lilo during her lesbian phase.

I think I just figured out who Aubrey O'Day is:

Aubrey-fembot-tile-300x131.jpgShe's a Fembot!

They decide the third sandwich should be Debbie Gibson because she's all American. Oooh, Aubrey loses to Debbie again. If looks could kill.

Aubrey-if-looks-could-kill.jpg"Die you irrelevant has-been who paved the way

for my all girl pop group (that I was kicked out of)."

At the Unanimous deli, Paul is dictating the sandwiches he wants to make. It becomes highly apparent that he has no tolerance for gay men. Or Asians. Or anyone on an old '60′s sci-fi tv show. He keeps calling George "Star Trek" and indicates that he's not a fan of quiet men. Meanwhile, George wonders where else Paul is tattooed on his body…

George-looks-surprised.jpgor could he also have a Prince Albert?

The women are still in their meeting room and everyone is on the phone trying to fund raise.

Phone-chat-279x300.jpgDo phones melt Botox or something?

Victoria is the only one making sure no one can hear her business:

Phone-victoria-and-teresa.jpgSince she's getting insurance quotes and talking to her agent.

Debbie wisely points out that they haven't yet even seen their deli or prepared any sandwiches.

Debbie-in-old-shirt.jpgBut she unwisely reminds us of the year of her popularity.

Day 2 starts with Victoria being MIA. Lisa hopes she's not in the trunk of a Lincoln Continental. The girls try to set up a VIP feel at their deli with a red carpet and velvet ropes. Aubrey tries it out, since she thinks she's the one that belongs on it.

Aubrey-on-red-carpet-tile-300x156.jpgA-ha! She's Pippi Longstocking.

Debbie checks the microphone and deems it acceptable for her "deli debut."

Debbi-mic-check.jpgOkay, seriously, you're not the only singer on the team.

Suddenly Victoria arrives. Better late than never, I guess.

Victoria-arrives-with-suitcase.jpgNot one person dares to ask what is in the suitcase.

Turns out Victoria tore the cornea on her eye last night. I'm gonna have to call the bullshit card on this one. Have you ever had an eye injury? You can't see past the watering and it is almost physically impossible to open your eye – your brain just won't allow it. Plus, you would be wearing an eye patch for at least a day before it healed. Maybe she had an eye issue, but I doubt it was really torn. And I'm pretty sure an eye emergency doesn't stop fingers from working on a cell phone. I could be wrong.

The men are going with a muscle theme – Choppers, bodies, etc. As such, Lou is gonna have to hang outside flexing his guns. He changes into his work shirt.

Lou-shirtless-tile-300x122.jpgMr. Sulu is not displeased.

The men have created quite a to-do. I like the atmosphere and Penn is kicking ass as a carnival barker, juggling flame and drawing a crowd.

The women have their deli open and Carol Alt comes to lend a hand. Teresa is also out front attracting customers. Aubrey tells us she is "heavily charming" and "an amazing candidate for getting people out on the streets into the restaurant." I adore her confidence. Maybe she's the Ashley to Pink's Jessica.

Wyclef shows up – thanks to Patricia. He donates quite a bit of money and writes a song that they all try to sing.

Aubrey-grabs-mic.jpgDebbie does not want to give up that mic.

Things are hopping at Unanimous and Clay is killing it getting people to donate money. Want to donate $500? Clay will talk you into making it $1,000. Too bad he couldn't have had a chance to give a convincing speech for the finals of American Idol.

Clay-points.jpgMy fellow Americans, you think you want to vote

for Reuben, but who has the staying power? I ask you.

Penn and Clay are tag teaming to raise money, but Clay's getting nervous. Where's the half mil Paul promised?

End Part 2!

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Begin Part 3!

The women are getting some great donations in the realm of ten and twelve thousand dollars. They have to invent a vegan sandwich for a 10K donation and I cringe as I watch Cheryl place raw tofu on bread with cranberry sauce. (((shudder))) It couldn't possibly have been good. Ick.

Dorkus Amongus shows up to check on the ladies success and I don't think he's listening to a word Patricia is saying.

DJ-looks-at-Patricia.jpg"She's hot. Maybe it's time to upgrade the wife, like dad does…"

DJ's astute observation is that the signature all-American grilled cheese sandwich is going to slow down production and affect sales. Um… the sandwiches aren't really the selling point, bright eyes.

Meanwhile at Unanimous, Penn continues to draw a huge crowd:


Problem is; the crowd isn't making its way inside to buy sandwiches.


Sparky calls both project managers and tells them they have to bring their best sandwich to the Rachael Ray show. The winning sandwich will get an extra bonus for their charity. Lisa and Victoria appear for team Forte while Adam and Arsenio show up to represent Unanimous.

Racheal-judges-the-sandwiches.jpgWTF? I thought this challenge was about marketing.

Who knew part of being a celebrity meant you knew how to make gourmet sandwiches? No wonder it's so hard to be a star. I can see why the crack under the pressure.

Back at the deli shops, there is only a few minutes remaining for the task. Dayana makes an announcement that she just received a 20K donation from a friend in Venezuela.

Dayana-raises-20k1.jpgDebbie still won't let go of the mic.

Boardroom Time:

The two teams gather in the board room. I discover further proof that Aubrey is a fembot.

Aubrey-needs-a-bra-300x215.jpgIf Sparky fires her, she's gonna shoot him.

Patricia tells Sparky that Dayana was probably the biggest star of the day with the huge donations she brought in. Debbie doesn't appreciate the lack of kudos.

Debbie-displeased.jpgWhen did singers become powerhouse egos?

Aren't they supposed to be insecure and on the verge of suicide? Isn't that what makes good songs? Oh, right. Never mind.

Trump asks Tia about her contribution which leads to a discussion of how well she did in the task. Sparky then asks Patricia if she would bring Tia back if they lose. Patricia says no, but Tia, apparently with a healthy ego all her own, says it would be okay if she got brought back. You can see the collective moment when the Trumps sense weakness.

Ivanka-smells-blood.jpgI smell blood.

Sparky tells Tia she just indicated that she's stupid. There's a twitch of nervousness in Tia, but she wisely remains quiet as Trump tries to bate her on.

Sparky forces Patricia to name who she would bring back if her team loses. She reluctantly picks Cheryl and Victoria because one worked slowly and brought in little money while Victoria was not focused.

I must say, after all that I've heard of Teresa, I am surprised at how very little she stands out in this episode.

Sparky then turns to Unanimous and welcomes Michael Andretti to the team (he showed up during the challenge). Paul tells The Don that his biggest star was Penn, although Penn denies it and says Paul was his own most recognizable team player. The Sparkster yanks out of Paul who he would think were his weak links. He finds the black guy and the gay Asian were his two weakest links. He refers to George as meek, which is very strange.

Sparky agrees it's an odd thing to say and then goes into a statement about how George has been a leader of gay rights. As a staunch Republican, is Donald for gay rights? I suspect some political re-positioning at work with some of Sparky's casting choices.

Back to our show, George informs us that he grew up in a Japanese internment camp and meek is an odd word to choose to describe him. Sparks surmises that Paul probably chose the word meek due to a limited vocabulary. Paul agrees that meek isn't the right word.

When asked why he picked Arsenio, Paul admits it was a random pick. Hats off to Adam Carolla, for diffusing a tense situation by pointing out that Paul was told to pick two people to hypothetically bring back and he picks three minorities. It was a humorous way to point out Paul's limitations and allow Sparky to move on without laboring the point.

Clearly the Rachael Ray bit was filler to make this show last for two hours. Whoever she chooses will get 35K donated from Cafe Metro, which will add to the team total. Rachael picked the men's team sandwich and Sparky gushes over the sandwich. I'm yawning at this point. Thank God this is almost over.

Sparky shows his bi-curiosity (another nouveau image choice?) and asks Lou if his guns are still as big as they used to be. Then he compliments Paul on his bulk as well. This somehow leads into discussing Paul's ability to lead. Penn vouches for the Chopper, but I have to say, I don't think he lead at all. He had great support behind him with Penn's brains, Clay's hustle and Adam's organization.

Time for the big moment. The women raised $126,962. Sparky tells the women that no first episode in all 12 seasons of The Apprentice has ever generated that much money. Seems like a shoe-in that they won, right?

But then Ivanka tells Sparky that the men's team raised $332,120. plus the 35K thanks to Rachael Ray's pick. What the hell???? Paul tells us all that he raised $305,000 from one person.

So let me get this straight. Unanimous in fact only earned and raised $27,000 as compared to the women who earned and raised over $120K. Then, at the last minute, Paul makes a call to his Orange County Chopper Super Pac and with an insane donation he gets credit for the win? This is such BS! That has nothing to do with business or project managing or anything. AND it's not his promised 500K, either.

Patricia loses all the money her team worked so hard to earn, as it all goes to Paul's charity.

Patricia-hearbreak.jpgYou can see it ripping her heart out – she's very close to her cause.

The men exit the boardroom and Trump addresses the women. Fembot speaks up and is trying to ask Sparky if Patricia can keep the money she raised for her charity, but The Don cuts her off and tells her the question is obvious and there's not point in asking it. Rules are rules.

Aubrey-Stepford-Wife-tile-300x226.jpgI've got it! She's a Stepford wife.

Then Sparks interviews Dayana as his next potential wife and tells her the boyfriend she's with won't last because he doesn't have an airplane.

He asks Debbie what she thinks and for some reason she thinks this is a platform for her to brag to Trump about her musical abilities. He cuts her off too and says, "who cares." I love it! But I bet if Debbie looked like Dayana, he would have let her finish her bragging.

More mob jokes come out at Victoria's expense as Debbie surprisingly vouches for her. I love that at the beginning of the show, Victoria was predicting she'd be gunning for Debbie and here Debbie is trying to save her ass. We women are so fickle.

Debbie also reluctantly calls out Cheryl as possibly the weakest performer on the team. Everyone keeps interrupting Cheryl and it becomes evident that she isn't nearly as hungry or cut-throat as the other players are capable of being.

Fembot is asked her opinion next and for some reason she decides to focus on Victoria Gotti. Odd because Victoria is definitely one of the sharper cookies on the team. But Fembot explains that she is a business woman who worked for Diddy for 6 years, which trained her to be perfect. Sparky interrupts to tell us all how he's good friends with Diddy and that the man is a good guy. Fembot doesn't seem to agree, but Sparks lets the matter drop. Damn, girl, you are going to have Diddy and Gotti as your enemy? Did that pink dye melt your brains?

To kill more time, Sparky moves on to Tia and brings up that she said she wouldn't mind being brought back into the board room. She smugly replies it is because she can defend herself.

Tia-up-yours-Don.jpgOh, Tia. Never, ever show Sparky your ego is as big as his.

Or that your forehead refuses to move.

*Sigh* Now he'll be gunning for her. And just to prove my theory is right, Ivanka goes after her too and tells her the statement was flippant. Poor Tia, she won't last long now.

This whole "losing team" thing is so unfair. Dayana makes an excellent point that she isn't nearly as well known as the other people in the room and she raised the second highest amount of money. The crappy thing is, what they did is usually enough. It's just that Paul pulled a dirty trick and I'm guessing he shelled up that money himself. It sucks that the women have to send anyone home.

Everyone is pointing at Victoria and Cheryl and sure enough, that is who has to come back to the boardroom with Patricia.

Cheryl-flexes-muscle.jpgA concerned Cheryl flexes the one muscle that still works in her face.

Cheryl doesn't feel she should be in the boardroom, but Patricia doesn't agree that she raised as much money as she claims. The women admitted that they held back their big powerhouse givers for their own tasks. Victoria defends the choice much better than Cheryl, who readily admits she wanted to wait until she was project manager to call in her big donations.

Dorkus Amongus interrupts and says something. Nobody knows or cares.

Cheryl tells Sparky that she honestly isn't sure this is the right place for her. She's a quiet person and a hard worker, having built up 12 companies, but she's not cut throat. She doesn't know if she fits into the group. Donald blows lots of complimentary smoke up her pretty old butt and then he fires her.

Damn, so much for my prediction. I can see that Cheryl is hurt – she's a gentle soul.

Cheryl-leaves.jpgGood-bye pretty lady. Chin up!

So what did you think of the boys' win this week? Frankly I don't see the point of the competition if the richies can just shell out their own 300K to put their team over the top without doing much work. Plus the winner only gets 250K for their charity and Paul just got to send Make A Wish 400K. I think he should now bow out and let the other contestants vie for their causes. Also, I think it sucks that Patricia's charity got none of her hard work. You can see how worried she is about those kids.

I wonder if Cheryl's charity, The Farrah Fawcett Foundation, will see even a cent for her efforts.

And who do you think will get the ax next? Personally I think the Trumpsters are gunning for Tia but I sure would like to see a man get sent home. Guess we'll all find out together next week. See you then!

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Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Knights for White Satin

Celebrity Apprentice Recap – Knights For White Satan

Welcome to episode 2 of Celebrity Apprentice. This week we found out how excruciatingly slow two hours can become.

Having only just seen this version of Apprentice for the second time, I realize what the formula for the show is now; one hour of a proper show – just enough to entertain us all and then Donald Trump gets his own additional hour of face time, since he's too lazy to show up during the challenges and he thinks he's important enough to be watched for a freaking hour.

Donald-Pout.jpgMake sure you get my pouty look.

So they'll be some fast forwarding during the boardroom, which I'm sure Sparky will tell you is the most important part of the show, but F* him and his giant ego that robbed me of an extra hour on my Sunday night.

United-States-of-Trump.jpgI'll know I've made it when they put me on a coin.

By the way, I'd like to ask; why is it that all our millionaire mega-media gluttons are ugly white guys? If they gotta be of the unbaked flesh variety, why can't they look like Sean Connery or Captain Picard? Or better yet, give me a Morgan Freeman, an Antonio Banderas or a Chow Yun Fat – those are men I can endure a few hours of face time with. I appreciate that the Donster does try to enhance his boring flaccid skin with not so subtle orange tanning agents, but it will never be the same as this.

Chow-Yun-Fat.jpgYou're fired!

All right, time to get to this week's episode. Things pick up after Cheryl got the heave-ho and Patricia and Victoria are returning to the waiting room to meet up with the rest of the players. Victoria is pissed and immediately tells the women she knows who they all are and "it is on."

Victoria-dressed-for-funerals.jpgI'm already dressed for your funerals, bitches!

It is evident, despite Lisa claiming on Ep 1 that she had no plans to rub Victoria the wrong way that the two of them are heading for a personality clash. Also, Tia tries to talk to Victoria and explain that Sparky forces them to name names and she hopes Victoria understands, but our mob princess is having none of it.

Tia-tries-to-talk-to-Victoria.jpgAs Tia tries to make good with Victoria,

Clay has other things on his mind.

Suddenly we cut away to an unknown woman and kid standing in a park. WTF? In walks Paul Teutel and sappy music starts to play. The kid has that fine fuzz of hair growing back after a bout with chemo and I realize we're going to get a tear jerker scene in which Paul passes over the money he earned for the Make A Wish Foundation. But what's this? Paul is about to give the kid a check…

Paul-gives-kid-check.jpgBut the kid already has a check in his hand.

Is this some kind of laundry scheme? Maybe Paul called Make A Wish and made a deal that they give him back his 300K once he brings in the big win. Regardless of the conspiracy, one thing is for sure;

Make-A-Wish-kid.jpgEven sick kids get pimped out on this show.

We're back with our contestants and they are waiting at Medieval Times for Sparky to come give them their next assignment. Since Aubrey is as confused about who she is as I am, today she decides to pay homage to both her opponent Debbie Gibson, as well as Debbie's nemesis, Tiffany.

Debbie-Gibson-young-stripes-tile-300x150.jpgAubrey-80s-disaster.jpgI think we're alone (in our fashion) now.

Sparky is accompanied by Dorkus Amongus and who should walk in next but James Lipton of Inside The Actors Studio. Sparky laments that he's wanted to be on James' show for years. Ummm…. you kind of need to be an expert in the craft of acting to get on that show, idiot. I can't figure out why James is here. What could possibly entice him to stoop so low as to be on The Celebrity Apprentice?


Also, I'm very surprised at how frumpy Mr. Lipton looks. If ever there was a Wind In The Willows Live Action movie (send royalties for the idea to Luscious c/o TVgasm, thank you very much), James Lipton would make the perfect Mr. Toad.


Mr. Lipton informs us that he is qualified to oversee this task (of producing a medieval show) because he is a bonafide knight of the realm of France.

Aubrey-big-smile-for-Lipton.jpgYou just became doable, Sir Lipton.

Trump implies Dayana should ride naked in the show, like Lady Godiva. Just propose to her already and get over your pathetic attempts at courtship.


The men decide to assign Penn the job of project manager for this challenge, while the women pick Lisa. I think the men's choice is a good one, but Lisa tells us she can handle a show with "a horse, a sword and 7 other broads" because she does her own show every night herself. Ummm…. big difference between a one woman show and a cast ensemble. The dressing room alone is a nightmare on a big show, never mind the coordinating. Lisa has no idea what she just signed up for.

Sparky tells us that Adam won't be competing this week because he promised to host a wedding at his home in Los Angeles.

Adams-house.jpgMaybe you have to rent it out from time to time

with nothing but a podcast to bring in the money.

By the way, I noticed at the beginning of the show they refer to Adam Carolla as an internet trailblazer. What exactly does that mean? It appears he may hold the Guinness World Record for the number of downloaded podcasts or some such shit. I'm not sure because I couldn't get through the droll interview between him and Jimmey Kimmel – it was just too boring. But there appears to be some sort of achievement there.

Adam-Internet-trailblazer1.jpgInternet Trailblazer – yup, that's me!

The women have for some reason convened in two parked vans and are holding a meeting over speaker phone. Lisa proves to lead by dictatorship right away when she squashes any suggestions by other people and insists no one may interrupt her.


Lisa wants to do a spoof of contemporary shows by doing a kind of Real Housewives of Camelot show. No one can get a word in edgewise. The Lisaless car is getting frustrated.


Dayana is concerned that they have to have a premise that will appeal to people of all ages, since kids will be at this show too.

Dayana-worried-about-show-idea.jpgIt seems to me it would be a good idea

to listen to the leader of the Universe.

But the women in Lisa's car are absolutely in love with their new idea spoofing The Real Housewives of New Jersey.


End Part 1!

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Part 2

Finally Debbie manages to squeeze in a word between Lisa's breaths and suggests that the king the women are vying for should be Donald Trump. More excitement abounds.

tia-huge-mouth.jpgNo Tia, it's not going to be that kind of show.

The men are meeting with the Medieval Times peops and Arsenio comes on to tell us about what the show is all about and how great it is. He tells us he's been to see this show more times than he's been to L.A. strip clubs. He seems eager to push an image of himself as girl crazy and he's still trying to be the cutesy interrupter I remember from my childhood.

Arsenio-not-funny.jpgThis isn't so funny, now that I'm not twelve.

Now the Medieval Times dude is meeting with the women and Dayana tries to point out once again, that maybe they should choose a theme that will interest children too.

Dayana-kid-show-right.jpgThey come with their kids, right?

This goes completely over TyrantLisa's head and she interprets it to mean she will be able to prove to the world that she can produce a show that doesn't have a dirty word in it.

Aubrey seems to be stepping in and managing quite a bit herself. She's sort of directing and adding in creative ideas, such as ending with a Snooky appearance.

Aubrey-channels-Pdiddy.jpgHold on, I'm channeling my Diddy.

When Patricia suggests that she be the whore and Tia be the queen, Lisa interjects that she sees Tia as being more of the whore. Ouch!

All the women are being assigned roles and it becomes apparent that Victoria hasn't gotten one. Lisa says Victoria will have the toughest job as stage manager, running lights and sound. I've got a theater degree, so I have to agree with Lisa on this one that it is an extremely important job. But it is also always overlooked and under appreciated, so it is no surprise that Victoria feels like she's being stuffed in a closet and ignored.

Victoria-as-director.jpgIt's too bad she's unhappy – she already looks the part.

The men are going a different route. Penn's idea is to exploit the celebrity identity and status of each of the team members and come up with a high action and funny concept that keeps the interest of the younger audience.

The women are now in the costume shop and for Lisa it seems like all hell is breaking loose. Everyone is talking and no one is answering her royal dictatoress. Guess it isn't just like running your own show, huh?

Lisa-never-interrupts-herself.jpgWhen I'm doing my own show, I never interrupt me!

She's screaming at her teammates for talking, instead of hanging on her every word. Whoa, psycho ruler. I hope you aren't a mom! Her bad attitude kills the pleasure of the whole experience for the girls.

The men are creating their script and Penn is trying to tie in Clay Aiken and comes up with the line, "it was just last year he won Essex Idol." For some reason, Arsenio feels it is his duty to once again remind us all

Arsenio-he-did-not-win.jpg"But he did not win. He lost to

Reuben Sandwich of Studdard."

Look Arsenio, I know it's Black History Month, but give the man a break. He knows very well that he came in second.

Lou-looks-at-Clay.jpgYou want me to snap his neck?

The girls are practicing their routines and working on the script when Dorkus Amongus shows up. He asks where Victoria and Dayana are and turns out the dictatress has sent them shopping to get them out of her hair. Dorkus Amongus rightly predicts that there will be showdown between Lisa and Victoria.

Dorkus-Amongus-looks-good.jpgHey, from the front he's kind of hot.

He should switch seats with dad.

While the women are practicing their swordplay, Victoria tells them all she doesn't know how to direct and is afraid to mess it up. Lisa tells her to learn how to sword fight, just to shut her up and then is pissed off that Victoria is wearing a messenger bag while she fights. She thinks it is a sign that Victoria is not a willing participant.

Victoria-wears-bag-to-fight.jpgI think it's holding the '45 Victoria plans

to use to finish her off.

Next Lisa tries to make Victoria useful by having her look up old English phrasing while Lisa works on the script. Only, Victoria (a smart and published author) is spelling the word medieval wrong.


At this point, Lisa's frustrations are definitely valid, as Victoria has a ready resource to see how the word is actually spelled.


At first, I could understand why Victoria was disappointed with her assignment, but I figured she would soon see and embrace how important her role was. But now, I'm over her; she seems to be moping all day and intentionally dragging her feet.

Lisa-frustrated.jpgThis bitch is wasting my time!

The next morning, Victoria tells us she got no sleep the night before because she's so upset that she wasn't assigned a role, a part or a task. Apparently she called Lisa and told Lisa she wanted to ask Trump to let her play on the men's team. Dear God in heaven, get over yourself! I cannot believe what a whiney self-centered brat Victoria has turned out to be. It's quite disappointing, really.

Victoria-wants-to-be-a-princess.jpgBut I wanted to be a sword weilding princess, too!

Back at the men's camp, they are getting ready and assembling their props and costumes. George decides that he needs to remain in his costume "to get used to the train."

George-in-costume.jpgEven USS Enterprise helmsmen dream of their wedding day.

George thinks everyone should be in their costumes to prepare for the dress rehearsal and practice in their clothes. He emphasizes this is most important for Dee who will be in drag and riding side-saddle on a horse.

The girls are running through their dress rehearsal and Lisa is fairly confident in Victoria's skills until she finds out that Victoria is working with the wrong script.

Castro-speech-tile-300x123.jpgOff with her head!

There is some chaos in trying to figure out how to best manage the few remaining minutes they have left with for the technical rehearsal now that Victoria's is useless and Dayana tries to offer a suggestion.

Dayana-please-listen-to-me.jpgPlease listen to me!

But Aubrey and Lisa shush her up. Lisa has the audacity to actually mutter to Aubrey that all Dayana is good for is to sit on a horse and look good. Dayana isn't stupid, she knows what they are thinking, so she decides that is exactly what she will do.

Dayan-looking-pretty.jpgThey are right – I can do pretty far better than them.

In the Unanimous realm, Lou has donned his costume and inhabited another evil green character.

Lou-beats-on-Clay.jpgDeath to all 2nd place troubadours!

The men are doing their dress rehearsal and George is having trouble staying on script. This frustrates Clay and everyone else, because his lines are tied heavily into lighting and sound cues.

They forge on and Dee comes out dressed in drag. As George tells us, Dee does actually make quite the fair maiden

Dee-on-horse.jpgas long as his veil stays in place.

End Part 2!

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Part 3

As the princess' troubadour frolick's out with his tambourine, Dee's horse rears in fright. Dee easily hops off, but somehow gets his finger caught and it breaks. Everything stops as Dee announces he broke his finger.


Clay checks to see if he's OK.

Clay misunderstands and joyfully skips along, singing "She broke a nail, oh, that sucks." Dee tells him he actually broke his finger. Clay keeps bouncing and adds, "she broke a finger, damn, that's worse." It was hilarious and suddenly Clay is worming his way into my heart, even though earlier in the episode he looked like this:

Clay-beard-shadow.jpgClay's transition from pop star to homeless

would only take two days.

Anyway, there is no doubt Dee has just broke his finger.

Dee-broken-finger.jpgHe's in a lot of pain.

The medic thinks Dee should go to the hospital.

Dee-worried-about-show.jpgBut I'm the fair maiden! What shall

we do if I goeth to the hospital?

Being the true rock star that he is, Dee decides to tough it out and get medical attention after the show. Lou tells Dee that he looks better as a woman than a man. This leads to Penn (Penn of all people!) to say that he would at least tie a few of the women if he were on their team.

Dee-as-a-damsel.jpgBe that as it may, how dare the men

discuss the women's attractiveness?

Only women are allowed to be

so catty with each other.


Penn appears and introduces Arsenio who tries to appeal to his former fans with his signature arm pump.

Arsenio-pumps.jpgWooh! Wooh! Wooh!

Whoo-Whoo.jpgSadly it's been too long and no one remembers.

George-as-emcee.jpgGeorge serves as the Shakespearean emcee.

In rides a very believable Lou as a knight,

Paul-chopper.jpgfollowed by Paul on a steed of his own.

Kid-is-enthusiastic.jpgThere's no doubt this is appealing to the younger sect.

Clay belts out some awesome notes as Dee daintily waves to the crowd.

Penn-juggles-flame.jpgWill Penn juggle flame in every challenge?

Lou and Paul have a sword fight.

Paul-throws-sand-at-Lou.jpgBrave and noble Paul throws sand

in Lou's face, after losing his sword.

But Lou of Hulk prevails and wins the fair maiden's broken hand.


Will it be true love forever?


Lou-good-actor.jpgTurns out Lou really is a good actor!

The crowd goes wild – they absolutely love it.

Judges-no-fun.jpgThe judges don't seem nearly as enthusiastic.

It's the girls turn. As they get ready back stage we spot a glimpse of Aubrey as Snooki.

Aubrey-as-snooky.jpgI think this could be her future reality.

So the women's show starts out with Dayana riding "nude" into the arena.

Dayana-naked-in-arena.jpgWell if being the most beautiful girl in the arena

was her job, I'd say she nailed it.

But there's a problem. Lisa is waiting for a sound cue from the booth; Victoria seems clueless as well as cueless. Finally, Lisa gives up on her cue and after an awkward silence while Diana rides around on her horse (supposedly naked), Lisa finally begins to speak.

Lisa-as-Trump.jpgI am your fugly king, Donald Trump!

She starts talking about how this is The Unreal Housewives of Camelot and the fierce women will be competing for her love. Which begs the questions (A) why was Dayana just riding around as Lady Godiva for no reason and (B) how can this be the real housewives if they are clearly all single and competing for Trump's heart? This was not a well thought out premise.

King Trump asks Debbie what she has to offer, and naturally she shows off her self imagined golden pipes.

Debbie-sings.jpgThe good news is Debbie still has a great body.

End Part 3!

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Part 4:

The bad news is that the little bit I heard of Aubrey's voice last episode suggests she's the stronger warbler. Surprisingly, she assigns herself a songless role in this project.

Patricia-on-horseback.jpgPatricia looks phenomenal as the evil queen

(however that works into the plot.)

The girls are looking great in their sword play and pretty hot. But then we get this:

Debbi-Vajaja.jpgNo one wants to see Debbie Gibson vajayjay.

judges-having-a-little-fun.jpgOr maybe I'm wrong.

Tia-boobs.jpgBut a little Tia boobage is always a good thing.

Then, Teresa flips a table, which was really the whole point of this show.

Table-flip.jpgI love that the girls were all cowering

under the table, though.

As the girls are chased off by Teresa, out rides Aubrey as Snooki on a horse.


I have to say, her performance was cute and funny. She could totally have taken this over the top, and if it were Debbie, she would have found a way to work singing into the gag, so kudos to Aubrey for staying true to the artistic vision.

The show is over and the audience will decide who wins this challenge. The winner will get $40K to give to their charity. The show has been on for 46 minutes and it seems like the show should be almost over. Truthfully, all you would need is another 15 minutes to get through the boardroom and declare a winner. I can't believe there is more than an hour of this show left to go. What the hell could fill all this time?

Trump-gets-an-hour.jpgYou really have to ask, Luscious?

But I can't bear to go through it again. Trump drags the boardroom meeting on and on. He asks players about their opinion of the project managers. He asks his judges of their opinions. He asks the project managers to name two people they would bring back if they lost. This always causes friction for the people the PM's are forced to pick. Drama ensues, especially by Lou who takes it extremely personally that Penn named him as one of his people to bring back should he have to. Trump asks the project managers if they think they won. He asks Dayana if she got naked. He tells Aubrey she looks pretty and asks if it is okay to say that. He even suggests that "most" of the women on Forte could go naked. You know, the typical stupid Trump stuff. It seriously took an hour.

Turns out the men win the challenge again and get to go to the waiting room to watch the women fight it out. Lisa brings back Victoria and Dayana to be considered for elimination. She choses Dayana because she feels Dayana didn't contribute, which is laughable if you look back at this episode.

Victoria continues to mope and whine about being under utilised and blah blah blah.

Donald recognizes that Dayana shouldn't be there and asks her who she thinks is the stronger teammate. She hates to answer.

Dayana-man-hands.jpgHoly man hands, hot girl!

Lisa fights passionately for her position, causing Sir James Lipton to admire her spirit, which pretty much gives her the edge of Victoria.

Lisa-survives.jpgLooks like Lisa is gonna survive.

Trump hates that Victoria threatened to quit, even though he knows she never would have. But everything seems to be aligning against her and before you know it (after two hours), Victoria Gotti gets the axe.


Even after being fired, she refuses to admit she slacked off because she wanted to be in the show.

So there you have it, Gasmii. What do you think of this week's episode? I'm feeling a little better about my predictions – I expected Victoria to be out on week 3, so I'm close. But who will be next? I think it will be the men's turn next week and I'm still going with my first male pick of Paul to go first.

See you next week!

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Celebrity Apprentice: Plugging Ivanka

Greetings Gasmii!

Hope you all managed to survive the down time without our little webite. It was tough to be out on the streets for a week, but it's good to know my musings have shelter once again. A big shout out to Flipit who carried the weight of the world on his back and managed to slog us through these trying times.

Since we've all been deprived, let's get right down to business and rag on that hideous Sparky who seems to have found a Flowbee that fluffs.


Trump-CU-Ep-2.jpgEpisode 2 the hair seems a little thinner…

Donald-Trump-Ep-3.jpgEpisode 3 highlights and fluff!

This week's episode starts off with the announcer saying that Trump went all medieval on the teams, which is ridiculous. Trump is too old and gray to do much more than scowl his bushy eyebrows in condemnation. Of course, since there are two hours to fill, they spend something like 35 minutes re-hashing last week's episode and the "epic" battle between Lisa and Victoria Gotti.

Victoria-whining.jpg Lisa-defends-on-Ep-2.jpg

Yes, it was epic, if by epic, you mean a Stalinistic shrew

out-bitches a whiny, aging Disney princess.

Finally we get to Episode 3 and it picks up with Lisa and Dayana returning to their team. The women are surprised.

Tia-makes-an-O.jpgTia missed a billion dollar career in porn.

It is at this point that the opening credits start to roll and I realize this is the first time we are seeing them. Lots of stupid shots of Sparky that remind me of a certain Russian leader who enjoys extraneous photo ops to help him relate to the people.

Trump-helicopter-300x177.jpg Putin-on-horse-244x300.jpg

They are both super cool dudes.

And then we see three figures in silhouette. Yeah, yeah, DJ, Sparky and Ivanka will come out of the shadows. So I am confused when the following is revealed.

Trump-Kids-300x166.jpgTurns out Sparky bore a third child.

One who failed to get the pretty gene from their mother.

His name is Eric and I have to say he looks like the product of Sparky and Gary Busey,


Penn visits Opportunity Village, his charity of choice to donate the winnings from last week's challenge. This is the first season of Celebrity Apprentice I have seen, so I had no idea we would be subject to an educational piece each episode, revealing the charities and struggles of afflicted individuals. This show is becoming a bigger and bigger torture for me. The only thing I hate more than egotistical Hollywood idiots are things that make me cry. Seriously. I still haven't seen Toy Story 3 or Up because I've heard they make you cry. Damn show.

Penn-Opportunity-Village.jpgEnough with the bittersweet poignancy!

The teams assemble at Trump Towers and the whole Trump family is there. Trump proves that the word nepotism shall soon be called a trumpetism as he announces that this week's challenge will be to promote his little girl's line of clothes with living window displays. Trump asks if they know what that is.

Living-Window-girls.jpg Living-Window-Men.jpg

Can you guess which team knows what a living window display is?

Eric will be a supervisor this week because, naturally, Ivanka is going to be their judge. The teams will each have to create two living window displays and the most compelling will be the winner.

Sparky tells them to pick project managers and Teresa immediately starts to justify why she should do it, with her fashion background and all. But then Dayana pipes in that she would love to do it. She tries to be diplomatic and asks Teresa if she minds, but let's be honest, Dayana isn't really concerned if Teresa minds – she is used to getting what she wants. That's why she was so annoyed with being ignored in the last task.

Since Adam thinks a living window dressing is a type of salad covering, the men decide whoever is gay among them should be the one to attempt to wrangle this task. George announces that he's gay and he likes to think he has "good visual taste." What is that? Are there others out in the world with good hearing taste or good smell taste? I love food – perhaps I have good taste taste.

Sparky asks the girls who their project manager is and Teresa tells him that both she and Dayana want to do it and they seem to be at a stalemate. Debbie Gibson then pipes up and says since Dayana has been in the business for 12 years and she hasn't had a chance to step up yet, she should be the one to do it.

Allright, Gibson, where do I start?

First of all, how much opportunity has this girl had to prove herself?

Teresa-wants-job.jpgShe shall henceforth be called Teresa the Meek until I see something like this:

Teresa-mad-at-table.jpgWhere is this girl?

Second of all, Debbie, although Dayana has 12 years of experience, it is doing this:


And you think that means she is more qualified than someone who has studied this?


But regardless, Queen Debbie has spoken and with a backup from Praticia, Dayana is selected project manager. Teresa the Meek's reaction?

Teresa-laughs.jpgThis is getting boring.

Someone tell her to pay attention, already!

The men tell Trump that they have chosen George to be their Project Manager. Trump says this is a good choice, because even he believes it will take a gay guy to pull this one off. Poor George. He's using every Star Trek cliche in existence and I'm beginning to feel a little sorry for him. As he tells Trump the men will boldly go where they have never gone before, I am left to wonder

George-boldly-goes.jpgIs Star Trek all he can remember of his identity?

Trump tells the teams that the winner will get twenty thousand for their charity. Only twenty? What the hell, the freaking prize money is diminishing with each episode. So I've done a quick calculation and if the current rate of diminished prize money keeps up, the winning team will get $4.88 on the last episode.

And in a completely unrelated comment, check out what Ivanka is wearing this week.

Ivanka-dressed-as-Daddy-Little-Girl.jpgTalk about milking the Daddy's little girl angle!

The women reconvene in their office and Patricia suggests the theme of following a professional woman through her day. This immediately sparks a pretty good idea in Aubrey's auburn head about having a clock and she pretty much takes over the conceptualization.

Aubrey-runs-the-show.jpgSo here's the place each of you will come in behind me on this show…

End Part 1

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Part 2

In the men's room, George thinks they have to dress four windows, instead of the two assigned. The men begin to fear for their leader. As Clay puts it, George is a little slower to process information and it is a little tougher for him to keep up with things. What Clay is gingerly trying to get at is that George's brain is getting old. The man is 74 years old, so he is certainly inclined to forget a few things every now and then.

Clay encourages the team to come up with a theme for the windows and George points out it is spring time. Not winter or fall. Spring.

Penn moves on and comes up with the idea of using twins for dual looks. A rousing conversation of how much it costs to book twins for the night ensues. Then George suggests they only need them for 45 minutes.

George-laughs.jpgLike you actually know what that means, George.

Adam suggests George sketch out his vision, but George tries to stall. Arsenio steps in.

George-sketch.jpgSketch, gay guy with visual taste!

George looks lost. Adam and Clay, two of the three brains of the operation, are worried. Penn is just too polite to admit it.

Ivanka and some dude from Lord & Taylor show up to discuss the project with the men.


Anyone else get an AI vibe from this guy?

In the Forte room, Debbie Gibson is definitely demonstrating a clear knowledge of branding by asking all the right questions about demographics and what the statement of the clothing line is. Ivanka's actual answer: "My customer has the ability, through the apparel, to really go from day to night. From the office to a cocktail party and then on the weekend." How did we ever get out of our pajamas before her?

Asking questions seems to be the right move as Ivanka also offers up that the color coral is very important in their packaging. I think the girls are getting an edge on the details that will matter. Dayana agrees and tells us, of course they are going to use coral.

Dayana-we-will-use-coral.jpgDo you think she hid her hands during the Miss Universe contest?

At Unanimous, George has finally come up with a concept; Ivanka by day and Ivanka by night. They will use the twins to show the same person in both looks and have decided the day look will be office, while the night look will be red carpet premier. Arsenio and Clay will serve as models in the windows and then Arsenio surprises us all by requesting that he be the one to dress the girls.

Now I don't know much about fashion. Seriously, I am sure people cringe at my comfort first apparel, but I don't think dressing quirky is the same as dressing fashionable.

Arsenio-fashion.jpgIs it?

Turns out Adam used to be a carpenter and he and Paul will serve as set designers for the windows. Lou tries to get on board the committee, but is brushed aside. Paul offers his OC Chopper shop to build stuff for them. *sigh* This resource seems unfair. Or if it is allowed, there should be tasks that require resources women can cash in on, like personal shoppers and interior designers.

Dee interrupts the men's planning to tell them he has to go to his doctor appointment for his still broken and untreated finger. What a tough guy!

Dee-cool-shirt.jpgBTW, I think this shirt is much cooler than what Arsenio was wearing.

But what do I know?

Arsenio thinks Dee probably won't be able to return. Or shouldn't return. He likens Dee to the one armed man in The Fugitive. I think the statement is unfair, since Dee has stuck around for everything since breaking his finger.

Arsenio-fashion-2.jpgThe shirt says Vegas, the vest says Blues,

the tie says jazz and the hat says Leprechaun.

Fashion is so confusing.

Back in Forte, they are picking the models they will use. Obviously, Dayana will be one of the models and then Debbie chimes in that she doesn't mind being one of the models. She thinks she's an accessible woman….

Dayan-shocked-at-Debbie.jpgHoly shit, she thinks she's a model.

How do I manage her ego and kill her aspirations?

Debbie-vogueing.jpgSee? I can model. I call this one The Vogue.

Dayana thinks incredibly fast on her feet and points out that Debbie doesn't fit the demographic, which is absolutely true. I'd like to point out what Dayana didn't say but was probably thinking:

Tia-pretty-no-model.jpgPatricia-pretty-not-model.jpgBoth these professional beauties knew better than to expect to be in the window.

It is decided that since she is contemporary and fits the demographic, Aubrey will be the other model in the window.

Score-one-for-Aubrey.jpgScore one for Aubrey. (running total Debbie 2, Aubrey 1)

The men's design team wisely heads to their windows and begin to do their own actual build of the window. Adam proves to be incredible as a carpenter. Michael does a great job watching.

Michael-watches.jpgSeriously, this is all I've ever seen him do.

I'm not even sure I've heard him speak yet.

Aubrey, Lisa and Tia have headed over to Lord & Taylor to get their designs cooking and they realize the boxes are too small for their concept. Dayana has a hard time trying to figure out how to modify the concept to fit the scope of the boxes.

The other ladies head to Ivanka's showroom and Dayana finally comes up with a pretty good concept of using Ivanka's sketches in one window morphing into pictures of the real product in the other. She still seems frazzled by the loss of their first concept, though.

The men also appear in the showroom to pick their clothes and they are greeted by Amanda, the Trump receptionist who controls access to his boardroom. I've always wondered about the girls who sit behind that pointless desk and get significant camera face time. Are they doing one of the Trumpsters? Are they distant relatives? What's the angle that allows them to get name and face time on the show?

This season, it turns out Amanda also works for Ivanka's clothing line.

Amanda-baggy-dress.jpgBut I'm guessing not as a model.

Arsenio is having a blast picking out the clothes and is salivating over the shoes.

Arsenio-with-shoe.jpg"Hell, yes!" (really?)

When George says he likes the Betty White pump better, Clay quips, "that's because you and Betty White went to kindergarten together." Ooohhhh gay boys getting catty! If I were George I'd be pissed – Betty White has nearly 20 years on him!

I agree with Arsenio's observation that the gay men on the team aren't as helpful as one would have thought. He surmises they aren't the right type of genre of gay men. Where's RuPaul when you need her?

In walks Eric Trump to check on the men's progress. I get a total vampire vibe from this guy.

Eric-vampire.jpg Vampire-Lestat.jpg

I'm sorry – I can't help it!

Eric corners Clay and asks him how George is doing as project manager. Clay proves he has a promising career in politics as he manages to avoid admitting George has no control and spinning things to point out the positive that people are being allowed to shine with their natural strengths. Vamperic does not miss the underlying message, though.

In the Forte war room, the ladies are shooting models in Ivanka's clothing for their set. Debbie gets the brilliant idea to call Ivanka and request access to her jewelry, since they originally only had access to Ivanka's clothing. I find this move genius and once again proves that Debbie has definitely got a great head for marketing.

Debbie-Bends-over.jpgMarketing. Not modeling.

Donald Junior, who is becoming more attractive, now that I've seen him straight on and met his brother, shows up to check on the women. Despite them explaining their ideas, he can't get a sense of a true concept from them. He's worried they aren't going to be able to get it together.

DJ-visits-Forte.jpgDespite the advantages, could the women actually be in trouble?

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Part 3

Dee is at the doctor and being the super rock star that he is, he's figured out a way to do something no one else has been able to do.


TV censors, this one's for you!

But turns out there is very bad news. His finger is badly broken and he has to have surgery now because it will heal like that if he waits too long. Uh-oh… By the way, now is a good time to mention that Sparky recommended he let the finger heal naturally. What a douche.

George calls his boys at the workshop and tells them to paint the evening window background midnight blue to suggest night. Then he tells them they can wrap it up for the day when they're finished. Adam points out he probably should have come by and checked things out, since there was still some time, but he is fine being the one in charge of the entire background production. He also points out that Michael likes to follow people around, just like a race car driver tucks in behind a car and then swings out at the last second to take the lead. I must say, Adam is growing on me and I found his jokes funnier this week.

Lou is concerned that the midnight blue is too dark. He wants Adam to call George about it, but Adam tells Lou that George signed off on midnight blue, so midnight blue it shall be.

Lou-is-blue.jpgNo one takes blue Lou seriously. If only he were green.

It's a long night for the girls as Dayana has trouble choosing the pictures that will be used for the windows. They are running out of time and everyone is worried.

Due to the direness of his injury, Dee heads into surgery, but not before pointing out that the whole thing is Sparky's fault. I love this guy.

The next morning both teams are facing some issues. The men are facing a challenge with the sign that was made at Paul's shop. While it is beautiful, it will also have big black poles smack dab in the middle of their display, instead of off to the sides and out of view. They try to trouble shoot and while they are working on how to hang the sign, Lou interrupts to encourage them to measure the height of the sign to be sure it will be visible in the window. This seems like a good call to me, but everyone else acts like Lou is in the way.

Lou-pushed-aside-again.jpgI don't think he is gonna stand for too much more of this pushing aside.

Michael-helps.jpgMichael is his usual helpful self.

With time running out for the ladies, the photos of clothes and sketches that Forte desperately need to tie their windows together are still not at Lord & Taylor. Lisa and Debbie call to say that although they are close, they are stuck in serious traffic.

Aubrey-hangs-towels.jpgEver in need of being busy, Aubrey practices her paper towel trick.

Debbie and Lisa finally arrive and it turns out that there are no photos of the clothing. They only have photos of the sketches. There are only a few minutes left and the girls are going to have to come up with something else! They are all freaking and as the show cuts to commercial, I'm thinking this will weed out the mice from the men. Someone will need to be able to think on the fly for these girls to have any hope. Personally I'm guessing it will be Debbie or Tia who might be able to pull this thing off, but it is Aubrey who barely misses a beat before offering up a new idea that allows them to work with what they have and is a solid concept.

Aubrey-new-idea.jpgIt might be time to actually learn this fembot's name. And take her seriously.

There is ten minutes left and Clay, Arsenio and Penn are prepping their twin models.

George-guards-water.jpgGeorge decides to guard the water.

I have to say, the twins look more like catalog models than high fashion. And maybe that would be okay, but I'm not sure the choices the men made are the best.

Mens-models.jpgIt looks like a pot holder, a 60′s curtain,

and Debbie Gibson's nemesis Tiffany.

Suddenly, Dee Snider walks in. The men are delighted to see him.

Dee-one-armed-man.jpgThe one armed man is here. Damn!

It is time for the big debut and George is extremely nervous. He stumbles over words trying to welcome Ivanka and AI and then he forgets Clay's name while showing them the daytime window! I do like the men's concept of using twins to show what the same exact woman will look like in daytime and nighttime wear. It is a good idea for a fashion simpleton such as myself.

Mens-team-day-window.jpgThe daytime window

Unfortunately, in their other window, the midnight blue color choice does not work well with the bright glare from the sun, nor does it make Arsenio easy to see.


Ivanka and AI both ask about the models, making me suspect they want hotter girls in the clothes. Also, the night time red carpet wear does not seem all that red carpety. I think the men would have stood a better chance if right here and now George had explained that Clay was working for all the girls in the first window and the less fancy dressed girl in the night time window was an assistant of the starlet. But sadly, George doesn't seem to work well without a script.

Ivanka was very complimentary and especially liked the sign work Paul's shop did. They also heard that Arsenio made snap decisions on which clothes to use. For some reason, George pipes in with the following:

George-sinks-Lou.jpg"Most people are like Lou, you know.

We – they're not involved. Uh. He certainly (voice breaking)

fessed up early on that that's not his thing."

Penn-shut-up-George.jpgShut up, George!

But I don't think George really meant to sink Lou here. I think what he was trying to say in his nervousness was that none of the other straight guys could or would take on the task of choosing clothes. I'm pretty sure it wasn't a premeditated set up in case the team had to face the firing squad. George was frankly just a complete mess facing the judges. But of course, it hurts Lou's feelings.

Ivanka and AI now head over to Forte's window displays and the girls are completely prepared. Teresa hands them each a bouquet of flowers. Tia, Lisa and Debbie each say a few lines of a speech introducing the collection. The women are all wearing the clothes.

Girls-greet-ivanka.jpgThey completely nailed the introduction.

Since it is a little bit cheesy, my hunch is Debbie had a hand in arranging the greeting. As Ivanka asks them about their concept and compliments them on how great they all look in their clothes, Aubrey is inside the window realizing their shoes are not visible.

Aubrey-blocked-shoes.jpgAubrey thinks they will get in trouble

for the border blocking the view of their hoofers.

Ivanka congratulates the women on a job well done and she and AI head off. They discuss how the teams did and conclude that for the men's signage was a plus while styling was a fail. For the women, styling was a plus but the visible fan was a huge disappointment.


Ivanka also points out, just as Aubrey predicted, that the shoes were barely visible. That little fake red head might just be a contender! Ivanka and AI agree it will a very difficult decision, so they head off to talk to daddy.

We are now 52 minutes into the show and the teams are heading into the board room. That means 68 minutes of watching Sparky make pouty lips and ask stupid questions! Aaaahhhhhh!!!!! I take this bullet every week for you, Gasmii readers. I hope you remember me on Sunday evenings while you are enjoying your life.

So things start out with Old Sparky asking his future wife what her team's concept was. She laughs.


Do you think she's laughing because they never had an actual concept that was executed? Or is she trying to remind the old geezer of how lovely and pleasant she is so he'll go easy?

Ah, I see, Dayana doesn't know what their ultimate concept was. Too bad Aubrey can't take this one. So the women are playing it smart. They are sticking together behind their project manager and they are all wearing Ivanka's jewelry. Aurbrey throws out some kiss ass key words about Ivanka being amazing, and how they embodied her natural style, sophistication, and modern grace. Maybe Diddy did teach this young 'un a thing or two.

Forte-at-board-room.jpgAubrey embodies natural style using gold lamé.

The stupid questions continue and behold, somehow, Dayana manages to get away with not picking two people that she might bring back to the boardroom. Damn, beauty is a powerful thing! Trump has never let anyone get away without answering that one. So Trump turns to Aubrey and asks her who she would choose. Despite being a wet colt, that child knows how to blow bullshit smoke up an ass and squirm her way out of a tight situation without saying anything. Maybe the Republicans should create an Aubrey/Clay ticket.

DJ won't let the matter drop and asks the question another way, who would you want to be on your team? I am beginning to suspect that Aubrey knew exactly what she was doing as she first names Lisa and then names the second hottest girl in the competition, Patricia. She says Patricia has great contacts and Sparky jumps in to interrupt that she also has great style. Then he asks Lisa if she thinks Patricia has great style. With that, the old man is distracted and Aubrey is off the hook. This is the banality that sucks up two hours of my weekend. Someone send me flowers.

Trump gets distracted yet again by the huge white cast glaring over from the men's team and moves on to mention that Dee is a hero and asks what happened. So, even though we already know, and I'm sure Sparky does too, we have to sit through a rehashing of Dee's medical woes. Debbie offers to no one in particular that Dee should bedazzle his cast. Bedazzle… yep that goes right along with Ivanka's high fashion.

We do learn that apparently when Dee was told he wouldn't be able to make the Devil Horn gesture (the universal salute of metal heads worldwide), he knew the surgery was a must.

Dee-makes-the-devil-sign.jpgMy career was on the line, man!

The men are as confident as the women that they won the challenge. Sparky says the signs must have been beautiful if Paul made them and I have to ask; why doesn't Sparky bother to see this stuff for himself anymore? He almost doesn't need to be in this show at all. DJ tells us that Ivanka liked the Unanimous signs so much she wants them for her shop.

Paul-mustache.jpgMake her pay for it, Paul!

Oh, and what's up with the sloping mustache?

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Part 4

Next Sparks asks Clay how George was as a leader and Clay tries to say he did fine, although his voice squeaks a little during the lie. Sparks seems stumped and turns to his vampire son and asks the blood boy what it was that he said about his interaction with Clay. Vamperic says Clay laughed when asked how George was doing during the challenge. Poor Clay…

rock-and-a-hard-place.jpgWhy does the Trump enjoy putting people here?

But Clay squirms his way out of it by just talking nonsense until Sparky gets bored and moves on. I'm telling you…

Republicans-are-dead.jpgIf you want to resuscitate the party…

Republican-Ticket-300x218.jpgThis is the way to go!

Trump asks everyone under the sun what they thought of George as project manager – that kills about three minutes of my life.

The boardroom boys review the pros and cons of each team's work – we already know that crap. Then Sparky shows photographs of the opposing team's windows. Patricia points out that it looks like Clay is in charge in the men's daytime window. This leads to an explanation that Clay was meant to work for the women – something George should have explained to the judges at the time. Sparky asks why they didn't choose, say Lou, for instance in the window and George says it is because Lou is mature and imposing. Lou looks like he takes offense to this.

Lou-mad-at-mature.jpgHow dare you call me mature!

Frankly, I think Lou is a bit over sensitive. Also, since George is always grasping at straws, it is wise to sit far away from him so you don't become his focal point in his desperation to say something.

The men are confused by the Forte windows and said they seemed very busy. I agree that it isn't clear what is going on in the windows. As Aubrey tries to explain what they were trying to symbolize, Lou speaks up for the first time with the most relevent statement I've heard all night.

Lou-wants-to-go-on-a-picnic.jpg"When I look at this, it makes me want to go on a picnic."

Awkward pause by everyone before Sparky simply says, "Ok." I think Lou was actually criticizing the dress Dayana was wearing which could look like a picnic blanket, but that would not be a good idea in front of three of Ivanka's closest, blood thirsty, and mostly living relatives.

Anyway, they move on, and twenty minutes after the tasks have been completed, we finally get to the part where Sparky will tell us who won after he drags it out for a few more seconds. Finally he announces the women have won for the first time.

Women-win.jpgPlease. Like this task wasn't designed to keep your numbers up.

The men remain in the boardroom and discuss who is to blame for the fail. Everyone does a great job of not actually pointing a finger at anyone else and mentioning others strengths, rather than weaknesses. Donald keeps jumping around asking questions and not letting anyone give very good answers. He decides that Dee gets a pass this week and has immunity from the board room.

With the focus now on poor clothing choices, Arsenio gives great answers saying that how could he have done a bad job when everything he was choosing from was Ivanka's line. It becomes pretty apparent that George will most likely be fired. The men all offer up their love and respect for George, but the outcome is very clear.

Sparky asks George if he even wants to bring two people back. Ouch! But George decides to name Lou and Arsenio as the two others to consider for being fired. Arsenio for choosing the clothes and Lou because he doesn't understand directions.

The three men wait in the lobby until Sparky calls Amanda and tells her to let them back in.

Amanda-at-work.jpgWhat is her deal? Amanda has gotten more solo

camera time than Michael or Teresa!

It is quickly established that there is no reason for Lou to be in the boardroom. Trump says something about having a donkey and a cart and although each one goes around the race track and one is twice as fast as the other, they both get there eventually. Is he calling Lou a donkey?

There is some debate if it was Arsenio or George's fault that no one called Ivanka to get advice and assistance. At this point, even George realizes he is about to be fired. But he remains stoic.


He points out that this has been an excruciating experience but he has forged new friendships that he hopes to continue long after the show. Since it is so obvious, Sparky puts the man out of his misery and fires him.

George-and-Lou-hugs.jpgAlthough not shirtless, at least George gets

to hug his favorite hunk of Hulk.

And so, Mr. Sulu departs for greener pastures. Personally I think it is a damn shame that Sparky didn't invite George to play sooner. I think he's beginning to suffer from memory loss. This is a smart man and I believe he would have been a much stronger contender a few years ago. But hopefully he will live long and prosper and go where no man has gone before and the force will be with him.

George-as-Spock1.jpgPeace out, Takei!

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they're posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!

Dayana-looks-amazing.jpgThis women is beyond eye candy.

She's like a gourmet dessert for the eyes.

Debbie-not-so-much.jpgI'm just not compelled to say

the same for this "model."

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Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Trump Hound of Bastardville

Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Trump Hounds of Bastardville

Greetings Gasmii! This week we get to see the entire Trump clan gang up like a wolf pack and rip to shreds an innocent man because they don't understand the difference between a brand and a legend. They all lost intellect points in my book. But let's start at the very beginning.

This week's episode picks up with the men returning from the boardroom. No one is surprised that the ship has lost it's helmsman and Mr. Takei has hit the road. Dee compliments the women on pulling it together on the task and Adam makes a toast to fallopian tubing. *sigh*. I can see he is going to annoy the hell out of me again in this episode.

Girls-laugh.jpgDebbie nose wrinkle = not really funny.

Dee tells us that the wrong guy was sent home and Lou still isn't pulling his sizeable weight. I have to say, Lou does seem to be all talk and no action, although he does try to interject ideas from time to time. Dee predicts that no one will cover for our lovable hulk anymore.

Dayanah delivers her winning money to the Latino Commission on Aids and we get another tear fest, only this time with subtitles. Thankfully, it is over fairly quickly.

Dayanah-Cries.jpgBut not quick enough to keep me dry eyed. Damn.

It is now early morning and the teams assemble at Grand Central Plaza to meet Trump, his spawn and some short dudes. For no reason, Sparky informs the teams that all around them the rich are looking down on them. Some of these people are good people and some of these are scum. What the hell is the point of that?

Then Trump educates us all by informing us that we used to ride in horse and carriage, but now we ride in cars. Riveting. He tells us one of his favorite cars is the Buick. Right, Trump rides in Buicks.

Tia-Buick-still-around.jpgWait, the Buick is still around?

So the dudes from Buick are going to have the teams do a presentation of their all new vehicle the Buick Verano. They admit they are jonesing to change their image.


Speaking of image, Ivanka, please say that isn't one of your dresses fitting you so badly. And based on how much you are twisting your feet, I'm pretty sure your shoes are killing you, just like Aubrey complained about in your store window. Stand still and tough out the pain, girl!

The teams will be giving a ten minute presentation and a ten minute Q & A to the audience and on-line viewers. Short Buick dudes ask if there are any questions and Adam feels this is an appropriate moment to inform us all that he lost his virginity in a Buick. Does this guy ever regret the stupid crap that leaps from his mouth?

Sparky tells the groups to pick their project managers and he has already pointed out the men have an Andretti on their team, so he's pretty sure he knows who their project manager will be. The teams huddle up and the men decide Adam will lead the team on this task.

Donald-wants-Michael.jpgThis turns out to be one of many mini hissy-fits

about Michael not being the project manager.

But Adam is a car geek and it is already clear that Michael is no leader, so the decision seems like a good one to me. Debbie is going to lead the women, because she "performs live all the time, how hard can it be?"

Happily, Buick is throwing a bone to the winning team and topping off Trump's twenty thousand dollar prize with an additional thirty thousand. That perks up Debbie.

Aubrey-wears-Debbies-shoes.jpgWhy is Aubrey wearing Debbie's shoes?

In the team Forte war room, Aubrey is already throwing out the ideas.

Debbie-hates-Aubrey.jpgBitch, do you have any idea how much I hate you?

Aubrey-spider-woman-206x300.jpgIt's like Padme Amidala and Cruella DeVille's love child

got bitten by a radioactive spider.

Debbie talks about how it will be her job to reign in Aubrey, while Aubrey espouses at the lack of creativity on the team; a burden she must bear alone. In walk the short Buick boys who both make a concerted effort to meet Dayanah. Debbie whisks them away from the beauty and sits them across the table to keep them focused on her. She asks the men what the overall purpose of the presentations are. Um…… duh!

The men run with the question and begin to talk about how their car is supposed to be a more thoughtful form of luxury. The women are furiously taking notes and making "I totally get it faces", but this is a car and none of these chicks are lesbian (so far as I know), so I'm guessing they are all really tuning out. Well most of them. Aubrey says the men were using feminine words like the voice of the car and the thoughtfulness of the car, so she's beginning to think their spin needs to be about the heart of the car. She's right on as far as I'm concerned, which means our girl (I'm gonna own her now that she has proven her worth) is once again rising to the top in the brain category. Or she's the most amazing bullshitter to ever pull nothing from her ass.

Aubrey-genius.jpg Either way, the word genius is starting to

float around my brain when I look at her.

The Buick boys inform the ladies they will be able to test drive the Verano on a pier today and they sum up with an obnoxious joke, "Try not to drive into the Hudson River."

Buick-idiot.jpgMisogyny; the fifth element of our new thoughtful Buick image.

Dayana looks offended and Lisa politely laughs but looks incredulous. Debbie just says, "Thank you so much!" I totally would have punched his belittling, short, smug face. I feel bad for Buick boy's wife.

Next we are taken to Unanimous, where Adam's entire game plan is to come out, welcome everybody and kiss some Buick ass. Clay, Arsenio and Penn all vocalize their concerns that Michael Andretti needs to play a key role in this presentation, as he is such a huge figure in the car world.

Michael-looks-scared.jpgMichael looks scared.

Adam seems reluctant to share the stage with anyone else but himself and his awesome jokes. In walk the Buick pigs. They start given their "thoughtful" Buick spiel and Adam hates the idea. Like most dorks, the idea of being thoughtful is as boring as car talk was for the girls. So he basically says, "thoughtful, shmoughtful. You want fun and funny, right?"

Buick-men-not-funny.jpgAs funny as we are being right now will be fine.

The boring Buicks suggest witty and charming as opposed to funny and definitely no beer commercials. Holy fuck, this is a girl car! I'm so sure it is one of Sparky's favorite cars, like he claimed. Maybe for his maid.

A lightbulb goes off in Arsenio's head and he testifies that maybe having a comic as the project manager on a serious and seemingly sensitive task was not the best idea.

Arsenio-looking-dapper.jpgPersonally, I'm appreciating Arsenio's much more dapper duds this week.

The Buick brats tell the men they have spent a lot of time "crafting the voice" of this brand.

Adam-talk-about-a-car.jpgAll I'm hearing is thoughtful, charming and voice.

Where the hell is the talk about horse power, speed and muscle???

Is this a gay car?

Adam then points out that Tiger Woods is the voice of Buick, right?

Buick-Boy-1.jpg Buick-boy-2.jpg

Crickets and death rays.

Our stupid comic quickly tries to back peddle and un-do the damage, but he has already kicked the white elephant in the room. I don't think Adam Carolla and anything requiring being thoughtful should ever share the same space.

Clay now realizes the challenge Adam will face in having to dial back his "comic" skills to lead on this task. Clay reminds us that since Tiger Wood's controversy (which caused Buick to drop him), that was probably the last name the Buick boys wanted to hear.

Clay-should-be-the-leader.jpgCrap, I should be managing the girl car presentation.

After the break, we see the men brainstorming and Lou suggests he dress up as the Hulk. This actually gets some laughs from others around the table, but Lou is oblivious. He goes on and on about how they'll have to get the wig and the make-up, etc. Dee finally interrupts and tells Lou that he needs to put his money where his mouth is and show that he can do more than the Hulk.

Lou-flexes-muscle.jpgI can do this, too.

Adam decides to take Paul and Michael to test drive the car. As he's leaving, Lou is still talking about the Hulk driving the car and Adam points out it's probably not a good idea to get green make-up on the car. Lou just doesn't think his brilliant vision is being understood.

Lou-vision.jpgTake this with you!

(Arsenio is tweeting "Damn, L.F. b crazy!")

With Adam's dismissal, Lou once again feels marginalized.

Back in Forte, Lisa has suggested that they create the gimmick of a casting call to audition Verano spokes models as a way of allowing people to come from the audience. Debbie thinks this is a great way to relay all the information.

Debbie-not-so-easy.jpgStill think this is easy, Debbie?

End Part 1

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Part 2

I don't understand why both teams want to have people from the audience interject in their presentations. I think this removes an element of professionalism. If the Buick is trying to be regal, classy and thoughtful, audience interruption is none of those. Frankly, I think if the women just dress hot and memorize a lot of stupid car statistics and each one does part of the presentation, they would have this thing in the bag.

Spider Amidalla Deville tells us that she and Lisa are allies because they understand how valuable they each are. Nothing was getting done until she, Aubrey the great, started throwing out ideas and Lisa took the ball and started conceptualizing the gems that she, Aubrey the great, gave birth to. I think her point is that the auditioning a spokesperson thing might have originally been her idea and she wants us all to know it.

So the plan is that Tia will be the host and the auditioners for the spokes model gig will be Aubrey emphasizing safety, Teresa demonstrating space, Lisa getting silenced thanks to soundproofing, and Debbie will show off gadgets.

Tia wants to have an overall theme, which she suggests will be a world community, and/or humanity. Lisa bluntly asks if there are any other or better ideas.

Tia-pissed.jpgFat bitch, do you realize I am trained in swords and guns?

Teresa offers something about using Ivanka's image which I agree is a bizarre idea. BUt I think Tia had something there with hers. Dayana asks Debbie if they know the order of the presenters, or which music they will use or any other logistics. Debbie is dismissive of her legitimate question. Queen Aubrey then suggests the girls all get in the car after the presentation and at the end they all say together "we are all Buick."

Dayana-sick.jpgI think I might puke.

I agree with Dayana, this is a stupid idea. So each girl will just sit in the car and do nothing after her presentation while she waits for the others? That seems awkward and strange. As an audience member, I would keep focusing on the chicks in the car and wonder what they are doing just sitting in there.

Back in the Unanimous war room, the men left behind while Adam goes to test drive the car are rehashing their serious concerns about Adam being the voice of their presentation. They decide they need to call Adam again and make sure their hunch that Michael needs to be featured is understood.

It is Arsenio, Penn, Dee, Clay and Lou who are sitting around with no idea what the presentation is going to be. Clay calls Adam and finally they learn the concept; team members will heckle Adam from the crowd while he is trying to give the presentation. This is so stupid, even the ever tactful Penn can't help himself and blurts out "that is such a bad idea. Buick is about class and we should be reaching to go over that, not under it."

They all try again to re-direct Adam, but he's having none of it. It is his playground and he will rule the roost. Finally they men have to surrender and accept that despite their concerns, they have to follow the vision of their project manager.

Clay-we-are-fucked.jpgWe are so fucked.

Forte is now in vans and as Aubrey tells us, Debbie has created a cool car where all the ideas for the presentation are being bounced around. They come up with what they think is a super cool slogan.

Love-your-reflection.jpg"Love your reflection." We are so awesome!

The girls in the other van are worried as they are not even on speaker phone to be included in the conceptualization. Tia calls Debbie and asks that they listen in. Debbie tosses her phone to Lisa and says she just needs to review her notes and isn't ready to talk to them yet. She'll call them back when they have things sorted. In other words, when the ideas have been finalized.

The-uncool-van.jpgThe uncool van is being left out of the awesomeness.

Don't worry guys, it's only a personal vendetta. Dayana, you made the mistake of being prettier than Debbie and not letting her model in the window. Teresa, your public image is disdainful to the little aging pop queen. And Tia, in your shared heyday with Debbie, you were always prettier, therefore, you shall be punished. Someday you'll all get in the cool van, but right now there is no room for you with Debbie and Aubrey's egos taking up space.

Adam, Michael and Paul are at the docks and Adam has decided Michael's job will be to test drive the Verano and offer technical expertise. As Michael is trying to whip a girl car around the track, he looks bored, although Adam seems worried.

Michael-drives-the-Verano.jpgSlow down, Michael!

After the drive, Michael reports that he liked the way the car handled and that it is a perfect car. I'm beginning to worry about the expectations of what Michael can deliver to the task. He is, after all, only a driver. A very good one, as are all the Andretti's, but still just a driver. When the car needs help, there is a team in the racing pit that takes over and doctor's the vehicle. I'm not sure how much technical knowledge about a girl car the guy can offer.

The women are now test driving the car too, and naturally Debbie is the driver. This makes perfect sense, since her task is to talk about the stereo in the car. Whatever.

Debbie-drives.jpgI love that to find her song list, I had to go to Oldies.com

Adam enters the Unanimous war room and starts to review the beats of his presentation. He'll do an introduction, Michael will come out and discuss the experience of driving the car and then the heckling will begin. Adam's genius coup de grace is that Paul will be the final heckle by shouting out, "you suck!"

Arsenio-worried-about-idea.jpgOh, shit.

Adam-Catholic-Big-Brothers.jpgIs this what the Catholic Big Brother's taught you?

The men desperately try one more time to emphasize that the Buick dudes wanted classy more than funny. Especially when the funny isn't funny. But Adam won't budge. He's pretty sure it will get a laugh and as long as it does, all will be well. What is so funny about "you suck!" in the middle of a presentation?

The ladies are gathered and reviewing what they already have. The theme is Love Your Reflection and somehow mirrors will be involved, but not sure just how yet.

Teresa-doesnt-like-idea.jpgI agree with Teresa – it is a stupid idea.

They don't have a script yet, which Lisa points out as they are eating their second salads of the day.

Debbie-still-confused.jpgJust like performing live, right? Is this how you

look when you're singing "Only In My Dreams"?

Tia has some script ideas she has already jotted down, which Debbie gives her permission to read out loud. Tia's idea involves photos, but Debbie quickly shuts her down by saying that is not the direction of their vision, which is no fault of Tia's since she wasn't in the van that developed the presentation.

LIsa-hates-idea.jpgHa ha, bitch. You weren't in the cool van.

Photos are so last week's assignment, anyway.

Dorkus Amongus visits the girls and Debbie hems and haws a bunch of bullshit. It's clear they are spinning their wheels and Donald's first prodigy rightly predicts the girls have a serious problem with the amount of work left to do and the small amount of time to do it in.

Ivanka has stopped in to check on the men's progress. Adam tells her they have decided to make the presentation funny and interesting (as in nothing the Buick brats provided was good enough?) He mentions how the team members will be heckling the crowd and Ivanka points out that it needs to be done within the scope of the marketing. Then she turns to Michael Andretti and says, "you know about the cars." Poor Michael – he tells her he's not a mechanic.

Michael-knows-how-cars-operate.jpg"But I pretty much know how they operate."

Ivanka then follows the blood trail laid down by her father. Her last statement was just a lead in to go for the jugular with, "I was surprised you weren't project manager of this one."

Ivanka-zeros-in-on-Michael.jpgAwooo. Awooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Michael rightly points out, this is a marketing thing, not a driver thing. But Ivanka points out he can bring in all his driver friends. Still a marketing task, and a girl car at that, satin pink princess, so lay off the dude.

Ivanka says that since the Andretti name is almost synonymous with cars and racing she can't believe he didn't step up to a task that was almost tailor made to his particular skill set. Really? Just because he can bring in other drivers? If they are as shy and reserved as he is what good would it do. And also, as Donald girl prodigy herself pointed out, race car drivers have NOTHING to do with the marketing of this car. This is a sensitive car – no where in the "voice" of this car is there bragging about speed and handling. Performance does not go hand in hand with thoughtful. Michael was right to let someone else take this task. I think the Trumpsters are being obtuse about this one. They just perceived an imagined weakness and won't let it go. Ivanka ends with saying the challenge struck her as a total natural for Michael Andretti. She smiles through the vamp fangs that she's trying to reign in and tells the men she'll see them at the presentation.

Ivanka-points-at-Michael.jpgShe's clearly looking forward to discovering

Michael's blood type in the board room.

Michael-worried.jpgYou are right to be worried.

You should also wear a garlic necklace this week.

The men are rehearsing their presentation and in a way it looks like it could kind of work. Penn's bit about fitting in the car leads to him climbing in the trunk which I think will delight the Buick pigs. Adam assigns Lou to security, so it will be his job to pull Paul out of the audience after Paul heckles Adam. Lou tells us that everyone loves Lou Ferrigno and everything he does creates attention, so he'll just keep doing what he can to offer up ideas and not be so underutilized. I'm not sure what his problem is, since this is pretty much what he would have done as the Hulk, except not in green make-up.

The women are also trying to rehearse in the space. Dayana suggests they begin run-throughs, which Debbie squashes immediately, saying she has to read through it one more time with Lisa. Dayana says they still have no idea what they are doing.

Aubrey is also concerned, saying it all seems very gimmicky with Lisa being a big comedienne and Debbie Gibson making her come back tour. Debbie's song "Shake Your Love" plays as we see this.


No one can make what Aubrey says next any funnier, so I'll just quote her, "I think Debbie should just go on stage and sing In Her Dreams, or whatever the fuck the song that she says was so amazing. I honestly wasn't into any of her stuff. I was more of a Tiffany fan, but whether you bought a ticket or not, you're gonna hear her sing."

Debbie-needs-bra.jpgGirlfriend forgot her training bra. Guess we have

to look at that, whether we want to or not too.

As the women wrap it up for the night, Debbie acknowledges that they have a lot of work to do the next day before the presentation. Her solution is to hope magic fairy dust sprinkles on them tomorrow.

The next day, it looks like the women are first. From the time they walk in it sounds like they only have 45 minutes to solidify things. There can't be any way they have this thing well organized! Debbie admits they haven't had time to familiarize themselves with the material. It sounds like they are pretty much going to wing it.

Debbie-has-mic.jpgBut one thing has always been a given; Debbie gets the mic.

As Tia walks on stage and welcomes everyone to Buick, things seem kind of awkward. Also, I can see that maybe it is a good idea to downplay the hot factor on Tia so she doesn't outshine the car but what the hell is this outfit supposed to be?

Tia-as-librarian.jpgA librarian/ lab scientist serving as a casting director?

Poor Tia! They have downright uglified her. Since I've never seen Tia in glasses, I'm guessing this is Debbie's costuming idea, to create the ultimate triumph over her once prettier rival.

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Part 3

Tia doesn't have much to say about the car and right away goes into asking if anyone wants to audition to be the spokes person for the car. Debbie volunteers and introduces herself as "Debbie Gibson. Yes, The Debbie Gibson." People laugh and politely applaud.


Debbie is talking about hands free and connectivity and some crap and then heads over to the car and instructs it to play Debbie Gibson's Shake Your Love.

Debbie-Gibson-musical-goddess.jpgI am a Goddess in musical form.

She sings the last line of of her song along with the radio and she's completely off key! It sounded terrible. Then she chimes in, "I hope I got the part!" and jumps in the car. Why the hell are the auditioners getting inside the Buick? This is not a presentation – it is bad SNL sketch.

Lisa jumps up and shouts out that she's ready for her close up. She's loud and somewhat funny and talks about the sound proofing. Then she gets in the back seat of the car as Debbie is screaming her song at the top of her lungs.


Aubrey comes up next and ever the focused one, incorporates everything in her introductory statement, "I have a reflection about the Buick Verano that will make me the winning spokesperson." Damn, she good.

But then she starts "reflecting" on safety and talks about hearing that her mom was in a car accident and how scary it was to think about losing her mom. She's bringing on real tears and bringing the Buick boys down. She tries to insinuate that somehow if her mom had been in the Buick Verano, she would have been safe? Unhurt? Not sure where she is going and I'm completely disgusted when she comes on and admits the whole thing was a lie. She planned on connecting emotionally with her audience, which she did, but it was disingenuous. In confessional, she tells us she did an amazing job and was a pastor in a church rallying her flock and that the whole thing was amazing.

Aubrey-calls-car-wrong.jpgUntil she calls the Verano a Verona. Not once, but twice.

Debbie, goes from looking stupid in the car to looking pissed (& stupid) in the car.

Debbie-pissed-about-Verona.jpgOh no she didn't!

Now Debbie is worried because Aubrey said Verona twice and Teresa is up next.

Debbie-thinks-Teresa-stupid.jpgAnd we all know Teresa is an absolute moron. What if she calls it a Verona too?

Debbie thinks Teresa could possibly tank her vingette about roominess. But how could she fail when her kids are so freaking cute and they top it all off with a hilarious skateboarding dog? Debbie is a biased big nosed idiot.


Oh yes, this is so much worse than singing an ancient song out of tune

that no one in this market range even knows.

Needless to say, Teresa's bit was the topper that stole the show. Well done housewife!

Then I guess all the girls that were in the car get out of the car, hold up shiny propaganda and Tia says, "Love your reflection."

Love-your-reflection-what.jpgI don't get it.

Once again, Debbie refuses to give up the mic, even to hold the mirror that is supposed to somehow tie this all in to reflections. Seriously, I am so disappointed with who she is turning out to be. I always imagined her to be a sweet, unassuming and down to earth girl, like her songs. I thought she was what Penn is. But Debbie's ego apparently knows no bounds.

It is time to take questions from the audience and the first one is about safety ratings. Guess who doesn't have an answer?

Forte-safety-ratings.jpgAnd guess who's still prettier than you, Debbie.

Tia does a great job covering by mentioning a lot of the safety features on the car, including the fact that industry standard is 6 air bags, while this car has ten. Then Debbie interrupts her and repeats everything Tia just said word for word, as if the answer was her own!

Debbie-steals-Tias-answer.jpgIf Amy Poehler were playing Debbie Gibson, she wouldn't be

able to come up with this kind of ridiculousness!

A question about the sound system is asked and Aubrey points out how great it is that you can use voice commands to get any artist you want. Debbie interrupts with "request your favorite Debbie Gibson song." Bitch, seriously? Lisa shouts out "or not!"

Debbie-not-pleased.jpgThe model/actress/singer/Goddess is not pleased.

The presentation ends and the Buick boys seem to have enjoyed themselves.

Next up is the men's presentation. Penn announces Adam and he comes on stage and immediately alienates the audience by thanking them for the pathetic smathering of applause. Then he starts trying to talk and he's so nervous he can't remember what he's supposed to say. Awkward pause while he walks over to the podium and opens up his notebook to check what he's supposed to say. Good thing he's old hat at being on stage because he recovers quickly.

Adam-nervous.jpgI'm actually flustered talking about a car. It is that spectacular.

Nice job, Adam! He begins to rattle off the specs on the car – way more information in the first twenty seconds than the girls delivered their entire twenty minutes. I'm starting to think the guys may have this one. We'll have to see how the heckling goes.

Adam then introduces Michael Andretti and asks him how it was to test drive the car. It is clear Michael is nervous.

Michael-on-stage.jpgAs Dee points out, Michael is not a performer.

It was a good call not to have him present.

Adam continues talking and Arsenio interrupts with the first heckle. It actually works! It's light hearted, funny and informative. Penn intterupts next and the Buick pricks are delighted. Penn complains no car fits his 6'7″ frame (holy cow – who knew he was that tall?) The crowd loves it when not only can Penn fit in the car.

Penn-in-trunk.jpgHe can fit in the trunk too!

This presentation is amazing. The crowd is engaged, Adam is doing a great job delivering information, the hecklers are friendly and fun. Until…..

Paul-you-suck.jpg"You suck!"

It completely kills the festive atmosphere and when Adam asks Paul if he has a question about the car, Paul shouts again, "you suck!" Everything they've built comes crumbling down with this final "comedic" bit Adam thought of. His fatal error was in relying on Paul to be his straight man. Paul has no idea that the mood has shifted and no one is having fun anymore. He shouts it again one last time, "you suck!" If Adam had chosen Clay or Arsenio for this bit, they would have sensed the faltering crowd and ad-libbed to make a recovery. No one wants the uncomfortable silence, so any attempt at a recovery would have been welcomed and all would have been forgiven. Instead, Adam had insisted that this bit be done, which takes the focus off the car and back onto himself in a negative way. All this leads to a crowd that has fallen deathly silent.

For the Q&A, Adam asks Michael back on the stage. The first question is something about hearing honking from men driving fast or something – I didn't really understand it. But according to Adam, the honk will be like a distant fart in the wind that you remember from your childhood. This is becoming painful to watch. It was doing so well before! And I must say, I was hoping the men would prevail because I don't think I can take much more of Ms. Shake Your Love and her ego and I was hoping to see her sent packing.

The men finish up their presentation and they are feeling pretty good about it. Enough so that Clay admits to Adam that he got an erection during the presentation. Ew! I don't want to think about Claiken erections. Ever.

Boardroom time. I think Sparky is starting to get the wandering mind disease. In the first thirty seconds he asks Lisa how Debbie was as project manager, kisses Debbie's ass about being amazing opening night on Broadway in Les Miserables (is he hoping to bang her too?), asks Adam if he's comfortable here and compliments Aresenio on going bald and saying he thinks he should shave his head too.

After one minute, he gets down to the thorn in his side and tells Dee he's suprised Michael didn't take the job as project manager on this one.

Trump-unleash-the-hounds.jpgUnleash the hounds!

Michael tries to say maybe on paper it seems like he's the perfect guy, but not in reality. Adam was the best choice.

Ivanka interrupts to ask what project could he possibly be better suited for than this one.

Ivanka-awoo.jpgAwoo! Awooooooooooooooo

This looks like it is going to be a blood bath. Sparky asks Paul who knows more about cars than Michael Andretti, other than Mario Andretti. Are you not listening cotton top? The man has repeatedly said he's a driver, not a mechanic! Adam knocks the explanation out of the park by comparing this to fantasy football where there are jocks playing on the field and nerds who know so many statistics about their players that they actually know more about the jocks than the jocks know about themselves. Makes perfect sense and backs up what everyone has been saying. When it comes to presentation and car knowledge it actually makes sense that Adam be the one to drive this project, if you will.

Finally Trump reigns in his blood hounds and turns to Lou. Dorkus Amongus notices that Lou seems to continually feel marginalized. Lou tells us, "I wanted to do more, because everybody thinks I'm the Hulk. I've done over 40 feature films, I'm a world class motivational speaker, and I wanted to get more involved with the dialogue." What??? From what we saw all he wanted to do was dress up like the hulk and tear off a suit.

Next up Sparky asks Penn what his role was. He tells Sparks that he argued with Adam, then sat in a car and climbed in a trunk. This leads to a discussion of how many of the members of the team were concerned with the tone of their presentation. It does not look good for Adam.

Adam-gay-car.jpgDon't tell me I'm going to be fired over a gay car!

Sparky asks Adam who he's bringing back if his team loses. The answer is no one. Adam says it will be on him if they lose, but they aren't going to lose, so he's not worried about it.

The women are kvetching about how there was a cool car where all the planning happened. Teresa says she and Tia were left out of the planning stages. Debbie points out that Aubrey and Lisa are the big planners of the group and needed to be in her car.

Venezuelans-dont-count.jpgApparently, Venezuelans don't count.

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