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Clay's Take, Weeks 7 and 8

WEEK 7 & 8

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  • April 1, 2012 11:00 PM

Hey all...

So, for starters, we're gonna call this week's episode week 7 and 8. I know that it's only week 7, but to help me keep track of where we are with the tasks, I'm gonna call it 7 and 8. Keep up!! ;-)

This episode started off wonderfully for me. As a result of winning as project manager during last week's task, I was able to present a lot of money to my charity, National Inclusion Project. We traveled to a camp in upstate New York and got a chance to play some parachute games with some kids, and it was a nice respite from the craziness of Manhattan for a bit. PLEASE take a look at www.inclusionproject.org and find out more about how the organization is able to make sure kids with disabilities don't get left out!

Our first task this episode is a fundraiser. We were told we would be designing and publishing "celebrity" guidebooks of New York City. The team that raises the most money selling would win. There would also be a surprise cash bonus for the team that created the best guidebook.

The women, under the direction of Teresa, dive right in to creating an elaborate design showcasing the different hot spots that each of them enjoyed in the city. They spent a LOT of time running around the city trying to take pictures of as many places as possible. That ate away at their schedule and caused them to get behind in the making of their book. Of course, this created a lot of tension as Lisa felt the pinch and felt she was left with the responsibility of putting the guidebook together on her own. And Teresa felt pressured by Debbie in general.

There are a lot of unseen deadlines that are required of us during each task. Concepts must be approved hours before things are due to the printer. These hidden deadlines can really add to the stress and make things combustible. It's TV right!? ;-) To prevent this, over on the Dee Snider-led Team Unanimous, the concept is to stay in the same location and go up as high as possible to simply take broad shots of general neighborhoods in Manhattan. It certainly made things far less stressful since we went to the roof of Trump Tower and never left the building (therefore being done with out photography in a matter of 30 minutes) but the pictures showed practically nothing! We each wrote blurbs to go with a neighborhood that we were paired with and most of them reflected connections we had to those neighborhoods and sounded personal.

But the bulk of the task was about fundraising... Team Forte spent less time making phone calls to call big donors than did Unanimous, but both teams pulled in some pretty big checks. Penn called Blue Man Group, a performance troupe he had been instrumental in helping get off the ground. They offered to bring $8000 in cash to Team Unanimous' cause. But as Penn explained, BMG does not handle money. As performers, their characters do not exist in a world that has money, and so they would need to deliver the money in a different way. As I recall, Penn had told us that they were going to bring the money in a blue balloon and put it on the ground and pop it. We would have to reach down and pick it up.

I remember thinking it was sorta silly and why couldn't they just come in their street clothes and make a donation like a normal person? I mean... Vince McMahon has made donations to Apprentice. You didn't see him setting up a wrestling ring and having someone pile drive a suitcase of money. But, whatever! It wasn't my task. It was Dee's, and Dee loved everything Penn came up with! The chaos that ensued as a result of them BLOWING THE BALLOONS UP in MID-AIR and BLOWING $8000 in TEN DOLLAR BILLS all around the streets of NY could not possibly be portrayed in a TV show. It was PANDEMONIUM. And it pissed me off. In the end, we collected a little over $4000 of that $8000. (That number is verified, Dee.) And I felt it was inexcusable that anyone would think that while raising money for charity it is okay to let money fly all over the street. (Even as I write this, I am getting mad again.)

I expressed my displeasure in the Boardroom and felt vindicated a little bit when Mr. Trump agreed that it wasn't the greatest idea in the world. In fact, in the end, when the men's team won out over the women by only $14, it became even more obvious that losing money because of something so foolish could have been the death of us! And, if I'm being honest, there was a part of me that wished I had not fought that homeless man for those two 10-dollar bills. Had we lost, Penn's antics might have been exposed more.

But for Teresa, it seems that the reason for firing this week was based not on fundraising ability, but instead on whom she didn't care for. Instead of bringing back the team member who raised the least amount of money, Teresa brought back Dayana and Debbie. Mr. Trump even commented on Teresa's decision not to bring Aubrey back and seemingly regretted that he had to fire Debbie Gibson. Debbie had NOT raised the least amount of money on her team, but she had raised the least amount amongst the three ladies in the Boardroom.

Dee was able to present a SUBSTANTIAL check to March of Dimes as a result of his win, but he couldn't celebrate too long because our next task began immediately! Upon meeting Mr. Trump for our "task delivery" he surprises us with the news that he will be switching up the teams!! Lou, Dee and Penn move to Team Forte. Aubrey and Teresa take their place on Team Unanimous. I was actually surprised that Penn and I were separated. I mean... it seemed that he would probably continue frustrating the hell out of me, and that might have made for great TV. But we were rescued from each other, somehow.

Immediately, Team Forte got to work designing the concept for their "live health segment" for Walk with Walgreens. Though Lou was the project manager for the team, Dee and Penn were the ones who brought the working style of the former men's team to the Forte war room. They focused on trying to make sure everyone got along, and it seemed to work.

But over on Unanimous, Aubrey brought the "style" she was used to over on the former women's team: "Aubrey's Way." Aubrey quickly stepped up with some great ideas, but she seemed to steamroll over Arsenio, the project manager, on several occasions. In fact, Arsenio tried several times to "convince" Aubrey to do things his way (as opposed to "ordering" her to), yet Aubrey insisted on making the membership kit box her way, not Arsenio's. As a participant and observer, it certainly seemed to me that Arsenio was going OUT OF HIS way to encourage an environment of collaboration and camaraderie. In fact, there were several times when I privately asked him why he wouldn't just tell her to be quiet or listen to him. Yet, he insisted to me that he wanted to make the transition to our new team members as smooth as possible.

By the time we got to the Boardroom, Arsenio had spent all his energy keeping the peace within the team, and I think he felt proud of himself. Paul and I certainly believed he had achieved his goal.

What you didn't see in the Boardroom scenes this week: The first thing Mr. Trump asked each of us was how we felt about Arsenio as project manager. I spoke highly of him (as televised). Teresa spoke highly of him, as did Paul. When Aubrey was asked, she gave a very lukewarm "eh... he was only okay." This shocked me and appeared to be posturing. I am pretty sure THAT is what set Arsenio off on Aubrey. After days of trying to guide the team to work together AND of allowing Aubrey to steamroll large parts of the task, Aubrey threw Arsenio under the bus... and so he started swinging. It was a contentious Boardroom to say the least.

Aubrey felt that Arsenio and I were ganging up on her. Paul agreed with us that she should be fired, and even when Aubrey turned to Teresa for support, she only got a tacit response. If one person has a problem with you, it could be their problem. But when three (and maybe four) people do, you probably ought to take a look at the way you are doing things.

It turned out not to matter who Unanimous believed should be fired, because we won, and Team Forte was on the hot seat. PM Lou brought back perennial Boardroom favorite Dayana and Dee Snider.

At one point, Lou seemed to accuse Dee of spending time wooing Dayana, which I must say is one of the most preposterous accusations I have ever heard! Ha ha. I love Lou, but he was clearly grasping at straws to try to point the blame on someone else. And it must have worked because Lou ended up being safe. Dayana, the most resilient contestant in Apprentice history, escaped the ax again. Dee, who had designed a membership kit that displeased the Walgreens executives, took the elevator ride to a waiting car.

Make sure you DO NOT miss next week's episode to find out how Lisa reacts when she discovers that the two team members she despises the most are still in the game! That alone is worth tuning in for! But there's a LOT more excitement and "entertainment" in store in next week's episode... you may even see Paul Sr. as you've never seen him before... in a sweater vest!

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The "Celebrity Apprentice" Recap: April Fools O'Day

EPISODE 07 | AIRED APR 1, 2012

'The Celebrity Apprentice' recap: April Fools O'Day

Two celebrities are fired, and Aubrey walks off the show after being brutalized in the Boardroom

By Dalton Ross | Published Apr 2, 2012

I'm sorry, but when did Celebrity Apprenticebecome a freakin' math class? And if it is a math class, allow me to say that every single one of these contestants appears to be failing — miserably. Lou Ferrigno has been talking all season about giving 110%. On the plus side, that shows someone willing to go all out. On the minus side…IT MAKES NO SENSE! Are Donald Trump Jr. and I the only people that understand this? Lou's claims of 110% effort have been extra dubious not just due to the inherent mathematical impossibility, but due to the fact that he appears to not actually be working that hard at all.

And lately, we've seen this disease of inaccurate percentiles spread like wildfire. Last week it was the always delightful and demure Aubrey O'Day who — while seeking to upstage Ferrigno — claimed she gave 150% in the task (although she later came off as something of a slacker when she bragged about putting only "110% into every task" — clearly 40% below optimum performance level). Lou was back to his old tricks again this week, randomly barking out the words "110%" ad nauseam as if he was suffering from a sudden bout of some rare, previously undiagnosed form of numerical Tourette's. When asked by Don Jr. who wasnot giving 110%, Lou called out Dee Snider. What? Am I to believe Dee Snider is only giving 100%? How dare he?!?

Dee, however, insisted that Lou's version of 110% merely equaled his version of 50%. What does this mean? Is Dee telling us he's only giving 50% or that Lou is only giving 50%? And if Lou insinuated that Dee was only giving 100%, does that mean that Dee is only actually giving 45%? Hold on, now Lou is telling Trump that he should not be fired because "I stepped up to the plate and gave it all to make sure the whole team would give 110%." But, wait, you just said Dee didn't give 110%. And Dee told us he only gave 50%. And hold on yet again because now Dee is telling Trump that the team did not give 110% but actually gave 120%. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? I'M SO CONFUSED! I'M LIKE ROD BLAGOJEVICH TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE A LAPTOP! NOTHING MAKES SENSE!

And when it comes to fuzzy math, that's not all. It seems the entire NBC network has also gotten its numbers mixed up, for instead of airing the usual two hour edition of Celebrity Apprentice, the network decided to give us…150%!!! That's right, a special three-hour edition of the show! But wait, not even that is correct, because tonight's three-hour episode was actually two two-hour episodes condensed together, meaning we were actually operating at only 75% of our regular Celebrity Apprentice capacity per challenge/Boardroom. What kind of Dee Snider sub-110% crap is that?!? By the way, anyone else's head hurt right about now? It's all your fault, Ferrigno! I blame you…5000%.

Okay, let's get to it. Two tasks. Two people fired. A million and one laughs. Here's what struck me most about this Celebrity Apprentice feast of epic proportions.

1. Look, Blue People Giving Away Free Money

The first project saw the teams tasked with…God, it feels so long ago I don't even remember. Oh, right! They had to create a New York City guidebook and then go sell it and raise the most money. Something like that. Penn Jillette had the brilliant idea of having the Blue Men Group come down to make a big donation. And the Blue Man Group had the brilliant idea to not physically hand over the money, but rather to shoot it up into a balloon that would then pop, causing money to fly all over the streets of New York City. Now, I don't know if you dear readers have ever been to New York City. It's a lovely place. Historic monuments. World class museums. The bagels and pizza are simply to die for. But we New Yorkers are not the type to — well, how should I put this — refuse free money that happens to be laying on the ground. Doesn't matter if it's for charity. The universal rule of "finders keepers, losers weepers" is in full effect in this town.

That's why it was so hilarious to see this elaborate sidewalk show go absolutely haywire when the balloon popped, releasing $8,000 and igniting a mad rush of curious onlookers to fill their pockets, bras, and — according to Clay Aiken — butt cracks with cash. It seems Mr. Aiken was also achin' after getting into some minor scuffles while protecting the cash. Why so fancy with the cash delivery, Blue Man Group? Just hand them the envelope! Make it a blue envelope! Take back the color blue from those pesky upstart Smurfs! I don't care. But hand them a damn envelope!

"It was a disaster," Clay fumed later in the Boardroom. "It was a horrible idea." Clay then continued to express his outrage by continuing the fuzzy math theme of the week by somehow insisting that he knew the team only recovered $2,000 of the $8,000 BMG money. (That's 25% for you playing along at home, or 55.5% in Lou Ferrigno terms.) That could have been a killer for the men considering the difference between winning and losing was a mere $14, in which case team Unanimous would have been seeing red for not seeing enough of the green from the men of blue.

2. The Check is in the Mail

Trying to find someone — anyone! — to donate some money to the team, Arsenio called on his old late night rival Jay Leno. The man who once famously boasted (on the cover of Entertainment Weekly, no less) "I'm going to kick Leno's ass," was now ready to kiss Leno's ass. (Arsenio also wrote a fascinating 1992 letter to EW explaining his adversarial relationship with Leno, which includes both the words "racist" and "insulting." It's a must read.) Apparently, bygones are bygones because now Leno tells his former Dog Pound nemesis he's sending him a blank check. "Don't go crazy," the only man on Earth with a chin more prominent than my own tells Arsenio.

Even though we were treated to several shots of Arsenio waiting nervously for said blank check to arrive the next day, I figured this was just another classic Celebrity Apprentice ruse. 110% percent of allCelebrity Apprentice fundraising tasks feature a celeb nervously sweating out a big donor, who always arrives with mere minutes left on the clock. Not this time! The check indeed came, but too late. Actually, the problem was that the check came too early — before Arsenio's office opened, so it was stuck on a FedEx truck. (It seems whenever it comes to Jay Leno, my man Arsenio just can't catch a break.) In any event, kudos to the show for actually following its own rules. I never would have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.

3. The Mouth That Roared…And Cursed Up a Storm

"In front of millions of people, I suffered with her fresh mouth." That's a pretty incredible Donald Trump quote about Lisa Lampanelli when taken out of context — which is precisely the way I prefer to take all my quotes. The Queen of Mean was in rare form this evening, railing against anyone she deemed unworthy. Lisa's piece de resistance was yelling "Shut up!" over and over at Dayana, who was merely suggesting an addition to their NYC booklet. "I am sick of this pressure from women who all they do is look in a f---ing mirror," said Double L. "F--- you! Develop a talent and a brain and then maybe the world will take you seriously." I'd like to go on record as stating that is completely uncalled for and disrespectful. Annnnnnnd kind of funny. More please!

In the second task, after the teams were switched up, Lisa considered herself the only competent person on site (at least after Penn ran for the border for a gig in Toronto). Although I can't say I appreciated her suggestion to Dayana that she ditch the bikini for a one-piece bathing suit. "Lisa, I don't have a one piece bathing suit," responded Dayana. "All I wear are thongs." I think I speak for men everywhere when I say…LET HER WEAR THE DAMN THONG! And while Lisa was certainly less explosive in task No. 2, she still had the cojones to say "It's going to be so sad when he goes home tomorrow" to a camera about Lou Ferrigno — with Lou Ferrigno standing right behind her. (Yes, he's legally deaf, but still.) Some people may say this behavior is abhorrent. I say — it's Lisa Lampanelli! What did you expect? Have you seen her act? No? Well, you have now.

4. The Jersey Housewife Flips Out — FINALLY!

Welcome to the show, Teresa Giudice! Teresa was cast on this program for two reasons and two reasons only: She flipped a table on national television, and fellow Bravo Housewife Nene raised hell on last year's Celebrity Apprentice. Clearly, producers were hoping for more of that from Teresa, but Giudice has seemed both timid and intimidated. However, as she showed on Bravo, Teresa does have a boiling point, and she reached it when Debbie Gibson critiqued her in the Boardroom for poor organization as Project Manager. "Are you kidding me?!?" she yelled 318 times while slapping the Boardroom table. (Not even The Incredible Hulk himself, Lou Ferrigno, could flip that table no matter whatpercent effort he gave.)

But this was just an appetizer. The main course came a moment later after Debbie commented that Teresa "doesn't like anyone that speaks out against her. It's not professional." This caused Teresa's top to blow. "Look what you're wearing," she screamed. "Are you professional? Your t--- are hanging out. Are you professional? We're on Celebrity Apprentice. You don't dress like that." Ummm, Teresa, I don't know how to tell you this, but that is exactly how you dress on Celebrity Apprentice. Have you even seen the show? It's not exactly Downton Freakin' Abbey. Hell, last season one person actually got in trouble fornot putting a fellow contestant (Playboy Playmate Hope Dworaczyk) in a bikini for a project. This is Donald Trump we're talking about. You think he doesn't like to look at t---?!?

Plus, beyond all that, if there's one thing I've learned in my entire life from sitting in front of the television set, it is this: You don't take fashion advice from Teresa Giudice. Lost in all of Teresa's huffing and puffing was Debbie's well-tuned retort: "I'm here. I'm authentic. And I feel great." That "authentic" bit is a not-so-subtle stab at Teresa's less than authentic t---. In the end, Teresa brought back Debbie and Dayana (whose contract clearly stipulates that she is brought back into the Boardroom on every single task), and Debbie was fired — after Trump said he might have fired lowest earner Aubrey had she been brought back instead, although we all know that is a bunch of Hong Kong Phooey. Debbie refused to give Teresa a goodbye hug on the way out, although that may have been simply because her t--- would have gotten in the way.

5. Arsenio shows Teresa How to Really Flip Out

The second Arsenio Hall said, "Thank God I don't have to be on a team with her. I don't want no part of Aubrey. Keep her over in that other room. Lock the door and throw away the key," you just knew the teams would be realigned with those two together. You knew it! And sure enough, with the women down three members, Donald shook up the squads — sending Teresa and Aubrey to Unanimous and Lou, Dee and Penn over to Forte. (Yes, that is the first time I ever bothered to actually learn the real team names.)

The second task was to create a live interactive health segment to promote the "Walk with Wall Mart Walgreens" program. Aubrey took this segment very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that she walked right off the show!!! This was after being on the receiving end of a brutal tongue-lashing by Arsenio in the Boardroom. What could possibly cause mild mannered Arsenio to so thoroughly lose his cool (although some may argue Arsenio lost his "cool" sometime in the last millennium)? Maybe it was when she was coming up with themes for everyone's photos on the display box and said "Arsenio, you could be the person who took a walk away from the industry for a while." (Ouch!) Maybe it was when she kept insisting he use a certain photo on the box instead of the one he — as Project Manager — preferred (although it should be noted that Aubrey was totally correct that the photos needed to all match for proper symmetry). Or maybe it was when she commented on the photo that, "I know it might be a harsh reality but those wrinkles really did happen to your face." (Well, Arsenio didn't even hear that last one, but I was plenty offended enough for him.)

No doubt all this enraged the man, but what finally caused Mt. Arsenio to blow was when Aubrey took credit for writing the quotes on the box. "You didn't write mine!" Arsenio fumed. He then went on and on about what a horrible human being Aubrey is. The best part of the entire ordeal was seeing how innocent and hurt and confused Aubrey acted while being called out relentlessly for her me-first attitude. Who, meeeeeeeeeeeee?

And then Aubrey, so adept at dishing it out, finally felt what it was like to be on the receiving end. And she didn't like it one bit. The tough broad with the Ronald McDonald hair wasn't tough enough to stick around after learning that their team had won the task. She went straight for the elevator instead of joining her team back in the suite. Of course, the only thing Aubrey dislikes more than being yelled at is not having three cameras on her at all times, so I am fairly confident she will be back next week.

The Arsenio-Aubrey confrontation — which culminated with Arsenio telling his teammates that Donald Trump was not going "to take his banner and put it on her stank ass" — was so wonderful and fabulous in every way that the Lou and Dee argument over percentages that followed couldn't help but be a little anticlimactic, even after Dee was fired. Dee seems like a cool guy who was neither incompetent enough to be fired early nor dynamic enough to make it to the end. He was a classic mid-game firee. And there were indeed a few other classic moments worth touching on from this last episode in our Quick Hits section.


• Unless you've picked up some nasty venereal diseases after hooking up with skanky heavy metal groupies, scratching and itching are really not things one should do in public while walking. Dee pretty much deserved to get fired for putting those words on his ugly box and banner.

• Quote of the night, from Donald Trump: "Dee, you're fired. And you are going to be big. Bigger than ever before!" Umm, I can pretty much guarantee that will not be the case. Unless you can persuade Neidermeyer to come out retirement for another Twisted Sister video. Even then, no.

• But the absolute best thing about Dee's firing — and the entire episode, for that matter — is that while he was giving his final words from the back seat of the town car, we were treated to a shot of the car driving down the streets of Manhattan, and what does the car happen to pass under, but a huge billboard for…The Tourist. The Tourist? I'm sorry, but is this town car secretly a DeLoreon being driven by Dr. Emmett Brown? Should I cue the Huey Lewis and start calling myself Calvin Klein? Because we definitely have traveled back in time if there are advertisements for The Tourist, a movie that came out in the year 2010. I'm guessing producers pulled a shot from a previous season and simply reused it. Or McFly is still trying to get his hands on Biff's Gray'sSports Almanac.

• Speaking of time travel, is it just me or was team Forte's graphic designer for the Walgreen's challenge none other than circa-1998 Marilyn Manson? Times must be tough, people. Perhaps Marilyn simply decided to pull an Arsenio and take a walk away from the industry for a while.

• I am relatively confident that Eric Trump is single-handedly keeping the hair gel industry afloat.

• It may have been a full month after he was fired, but Michael Andretti finally contributed something to the men's team, showing up for the NYC book task and making a $20,000 contribution. Better late than never.

• I can't help but find it ironic that Penn's partner Teller, a man who has never uttered a single sound in public, showed up to make his book contribution wearing ear plugs. Then again, if I worked with Penn, I might keep a pair of ear plugs on hand too, just in case.

And so another week of Celebrity Apprentice mayhem and madness comes to a close. Now it is your turn to weigh in. Sad to see Debbie and Dee go? Hoping Aubrey returns or is never heard from again? And isThe Tourist really as horrible as everyone tells me it is? Hit the message boards to let us know, and for more reality ramblings, you can follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Until next week: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!

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"Celebrity Apprentice" Recap: Take a Walk

'Celebrity Apprentice' Recap: Take a Walk

Teams tasked twice in three-hour extravaganza


Lou Ferrigno hands out pamphlets on 'The Celebrity Apprentice.'Douglas Gorenstein/NBC

April 2, 2012 9:50 AM ET

What's that you say? Two hours of B-level reality TV just won't suffice? Yes, Celebrity Apprentice was on for THREE hours last night. What, besides watching this show, could you do in three hours time? Well, a lot. But on to the recap!

In the preview of this week's episode, we were promised two firings and someone voluntarily leaving the show. When we left off, Patricia Velasquez had just gotten the ax. But not everyone agrees with the decision. "The person that should have gotten fired tonight is Dayana," Aubrey O'Day says of model Dayana Mendoza. Perhaps Debbie Gibson best sums up the current state of the women's squad: "We have an emotionally-charged, dysfunctional team."

As always, last week's winning project manager – in this case, Clay Aiken – delivers a check to a charity: $50K going to the Natural Inclusion Project, and Aiken looks thoroughly in his element being nice.

This week's task? Both teams must design a guide to New York and then sell it on the street. A "special celebrity judge" will decide which team has the best pamphlet. Really, though, it's all about the money -- yet another instance of simply seeing which team has friends with deeper pockets. Whichever team brings in more cash wins.

Teresa Giudice is PM for the women; Dee Snider takes the lead for the men. Making the pamphlets is a fairly straightforward process for both teams. The men go on the roof of Trump Tower and take goofy-looking pictures highlighting specific NYC neighborhoods, an idea conceived by Penn Jillette. Aiken thinks Snider is drinking the Jillette Kool-Aid. "I don't know if it's his entire head," Aiken says of Snider, "but at least Dee's forehead is up Penn's ass!"

The women, meanwhile, head out on location to take pictures at specific places. Lisa Lampanelli, never one to mince words, is already frustrated with her teammates. "There's no way they know how much I hate them right now!" she says. (Oh, but we do Lisa. We do.) Later, when Lampanelli is working with a graphic designer on the pamphlet, she lashes out at Mendoza. "Develop a talent and a brain and then maybe the world will take you seriously!" Lampanelli yells.

Both teams are in full fundraising mode when they hit the street the next morning to hawk their pamphlets. Big donors come out for both teams: Former contestant Michael Andretti drops off $20K to the men, and Blue Man Group show up, fill a balloon with cash, and explode it on the street. The team can't collect all the money, and random people begin snatching up the dough – to which we see images of what a strip club stage must look like after a rapper makes it rain. Arsenio Hall is quite upset – Jay Leno had promised to send over a blank check, but it arrives too late. On the women's side, Jeff Foxworthy donates $5K, Giudice's husband drops by with big bucks and Mendoza also snags some big donors. Things look good for both squads.

We now learn Regis Philbin is the aforementioned "celebrity guest judge," set to pick his favorite pamphlet. In the boardroom, things instantly get juicy: Lampanelli calls out nearly everyone on her team, and Giudice tells Gibson her shirt is too low-cut. The men, per usual, don't have much to say about one another.

Trump reveals the results. Philbin picked the women's pamphlet as the winner, so they get $35K from Toshiba to add to their total. But it doesn't matter: the men edge out the women by a mere $14 with a grand total of $162,869. Giudice, now as the losing PM, brings back Mendoza and Gibson to the boardroom. She thinks the former is weak and the latter only occasionally delivers. When all three are back in the boardroom, Giudice says Gibson is only talented "in singing . . . maybe." Trump explains that Giudice made a mistake by not bringing O'Day back to the boardroom – she was the one who raised the least amount of money. But Trump has to work with the options to which he's presented. To that end, he proceeds to can Gibson. Afterwards, the Eighties pop star is sad, but still confident. "Mr. Trump can't fire me from being Debbie Gibson," she says. That's one way to look at it.

On to task two! Since the women have lost seemingly every challenge, Trump decides to mix up the teams. Lampanelli and Mendoza are now with Lou Ferrigno, Jillette and Snider, while O'Day and Giudice are with Paul Teutul Sr., Hall and Aiken. The next task? Create a live interactive health segment for Walgreens that both promotes the benefits of walking and touts the company's new program, Walk With Walgreens. Hall is one PM and Ferrigno the other. The winning team gets $50K.

Hall and O' ay, now teammates, instantly butt heads. "She's a narcissistic piece of work," Hall says. O'Day, while certainly creative, takes charge for much of the task, often not letting Hall get a word in. This clearly gets under his, and other team members', skin.

Things aren't much better on the other squad. At one point, Lampanelli, speaking about her new teammate Ferrigno, turns to the camera – right in front of Ferrigno, no less – and mutters, "It'll be so sad when he goes home tomorrow."

Both teams must design a box for the Walking With Walgreens program. Hall's team goes with a design featuring each of their faces; Ferrigno's goes for a more sleek, professional look. Presentation-wise, Hall's team does a game show that promotes the benefits of walking; Ferrigno's team goes for a mix of heartfelt confession and lighthearted comedy.

Each team's presentation goes smoothly – that is, other than when Jillette says Walmart instead of Walgreens, which appears to send this task's guest judge, Allison Sweeny of The Biggest Loser, into temporary cardiac arrest.

For the second time this evening, we're now back in the boardroom. Before learning if his team won or lost, Aresenio Hall lets loose on O'Day: He's had enough of her self-centered behavior. "Her whole personality is about Aubrey," he says. O'Day fires back. "I admired him on television. I don't admire him anymore," she says. It doesn't even matter. Hall's team chalks up the win. O'Day, however, has had enough. She storms off, gets in the elevator where all good celebrities go to die, and seems to indicate she's leaving the show!

Back in the boardroom, Ferrigno, whose team lost, chooses to bring back Mendoza and Snider for potential firing. Ferrigno says Snider did not give 110 percent (nope, only 100) and Dayana, well, she's just Dayana, so she should probably be up for elimination, right? Trump presses Ferrigno as to why, as the project manager, he shouldn't be fired. Ferrigno is now sweating profusely – perhaps because Snider describes him as "limited" in ability.

In the end, however, Snider, whose box design the Walgreens execs felt was not up to par, is the one who's fired. "I hate to fire people," Trump says, surely realizing the absurdity of the statement.

Next Week: Did O'Day really leave? Is Lampanelli out for blood? It's so intense we can hardly type.

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Celebrity Apprentice Power Recaps: Aubrey Walks Out

Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings: Aubrey Walks Out


Jessica Grabert and Mack Rawdenpublished: 2012-04-02 16:34:32


This week, NBC treated Celebrity Apprentice fans to a special 3-hour episode, featuring two challenges and two very specific firings. With various butts on the line, two strong players went home this week, while two weak players slipped through the cracks, once again. Trump is on a role with punishing his players for small missteps and, man, is it cringe-inducing to watch.

In the first challenge this week, the men and women were tasked with creating a New York guidebook and hawking it on the street, as well as bringing in major donors to also purchase the guidebooks. From the beginning, the women were so emotionally charged, it is almost no surprise they ended up losing the task, if we forget for a second the challenge was far more donor based then teamwork-oriented. Despite their challenges, the women actually won the extra $35,000 grand allotted by Regis Philbin for the best guidebook, but in the end they lost due to accumulating $14 less than the men.

Up on the chopping block was project manager Teresa, who brought back Dayana for being Dayana and Debbie for not raising enough money. Ironically, Trump sent Debbie home, even though the women were very close in the amounts of money they raised and even though Aubrey actually raised less money than any other woman. Usually money is a big factor in these donor challenges, but with Teresa's leadership issues, under the circumstances, Trump's call seems a little suspect.

On the bright side, as project manager on the men's team, Dee was able to donate over $300 thousand dollars to his charity, March of Dimes. He only got to ride his high horse for a few minutes, however, because in challenge two, he found himself with trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble. First, Trump needed to split the team's up.

The women had lost five challenges out of seven, and thus were down to four players. Split into pairs, Aubrey and Teresa joined Clay, Arsenio and Paul. On the other team, Dayana and Lisa were paired off, joining Penn, Dee, and Lou. The task was simple: Both teams were to advertise for Walgreen's new walking platform, replete with snazzy graphics and a live presentation. Unfortunately, Penn had to leave for a short gig and would pull an all-nighter right before the performance. Other than that Lou's second stint as project manager was uneventful, with Lisa and Dayana even managing to mostly rein their claws in, at least until the boardroom.

On the other team, however, tensions were high. Aubrey being Aubrey might work in a room chock full of unassertive women, but add a few men and her way of working becomes a little more abrasive. As project manager, Arsenio could not rein Aubrey in at all and the arguing began almost immediately. Still, back in the boardroom, their team won, due to a combination of Lou being a mediocre manager, Dee making uninspired graphics for the second time, and Penn making a big flub, accidentally saying "Walmart" instead of "Walgreen's."

Although Lou really is a one trick pony and that one trick does not involve management, it's hard to fault Trump for sending Dee home for bad graphics. That was the second time he had earned the criticism and Lou refused to bring Penn back to the boardroom, leaving Dayana and Dee as his best options. One can hardly fault Dayana for being a "weak player" in a week she saved Penn's butt after his epic flub, however. Thus, Dee or Lou had to go, and it seems Trump has a soft spot for Lou. One thing is certain: Dayana may not be creative, but she is a slippery character and not nearly as stupid as Lisa would have audiences believing.

I could have waited a whole week to see Dee get sent home, but on the bright side, editing two episodes together reminded us of his big win before he was chucked from the rankings. In the end, Aubrey walked out, too. It seems like a stunt, but we'll see if she pulls a Nene Leaks when Celebrity Apprentice returns next week.


The Favorites

#1) Clay Aiken (33): Clay's ascent to the top of the rankings has been gradual, but with everyone having completed a turn as project manager, he deserves to be considered among the best. Apart from the one week in which he freaked out on Penn, Clay has remained cool, composed and strategic. Notice in the boardroom how differently he chose to express his resentment of Aubrey than Arsenio who created untold amounts of friction and lost his composure? That steadiness should carry Clay to the finals if he can avoid any major screw-ups.

#2) Penn Jillette (32): Despite bringing in major donors in this week's first task and being a big creative force in task two, Penn had a major fuck-up this week when he used a competitor's name during his portion of the presentation. Normally, this would be enough to knock a player down a notch, but with Paul Sr. and Dayana sneaking under scrutiny and Aubrey, Lisa, Arsenio, and Teresa all making mistakes on top of having major freak-outs, Penn is fairly safe at number two.

#3) Aubrey O'Day (31): Aubrey was Aubrey this week. A thousand good ideas, plenty of energy and lots of angry teammates in her wake. She's clearly far better creatively than most of the people left, but to get ahead in life (and usually this game), one needs to be a politician, not a lightning rod for criticism. I firmly believe Aubrey will wind up coming back. Maybe it'll be with a new attitude and a new reliance on her teammates. Let's hope so because if nothing changes, she'll be thrown under the bus in every remaining boardroom.

#4) Paul Teutul Sr. (27): Paul Sr. has made several clutch contributions and decisions within the course of this season; however, he has mostly been a man of few words, and has hung back when the going get rough. Thus far this has proved a boon for Paul Sr. and kept him fairly high in the rankings. At some point, however, he will have to stand up once more as a leader. Now Lisa may have totally gone over the age, Paul Sr. might be the only wild card we have left in this competition. We've seen him lead once and he did an alright job, but I have no idea what to expect now the teams have been redistributed.

#4) Lisa Lampanelli (27): People talk about Lou having a chip on his shoulder, but my God, Lisa has the bigger chip. She spends 50% of her time on Apprenticecomplaining about how beautiful women are brainless and the other 50% of the time actually busting her ass. Insult comic or no, half of life is developing people skills, which is something Lisa seems to simply have missed. Ironically, those she is consistently knocking down seem to have the people skills thing down. Lisa is smart and she is a hard worker, which pits her in the top half of these rankings, but her mouth could give her major trouble if she does not keep it in check..


The Contenders

#6) Arsenio Hall (23): Arsenio won as project manager this week. The executives gave him rave reviews for his performance as the game show host, but by the end of the boardroom, all of that was overshadowed by his explosive blowup on Aubrey. On the one hand, I understand how it happened. Arsenio seems like a really nice dude. As he admitted with his teammates, he googled every single person in the cast to find out what their likes, goals and aspirations are. It's that attitude that has made him such a wonderful team player, but in order to win, you need to be willing to utilize and deal with all sorts of people. Ultimately, his freak out on Aubrey didn't really help anyone and was misplaced and not very pointful.

#7) Dayana Mendoza (22): Dayana may have had her problems in week's past, but she was very good during the fundraising challenge. She brought in more than twenty-five thousand dollars and dutifully worked the crowd. During the second task, she also took care of whatever was assigned to her, even though that didn't prove to be a whole lot. One of these weeks in the boardroom, she's going to wind up going home, but it's still fairly impressive she made it this far.

#8) Lou Ferrigno (21): Lou's team lost their task this week, despite the fact Lou actually did a marvelous job relating his own experiences with walking to Walgreen's program. However, he did not contribute creatively to the task, he barely delegated activities out to his team members, and he got emotional once again in the boardroom. Honestly, Lou's a great team member. He will always work goddamn "110%" but he does not necessarily have the capacity to be a great team leader, which is what Celebrity Apprentice is about. Trump seems to like having him around and he could totally eke it out for a few more weeks, but at some point Lou really needs to just head home.

#9) Teresa Giudice (18): I still can't figure out why Teresa turned on Debbie. That made no sense whatsoever. She got the printing done and raised more money than Aubrey. It was idiotic to bring her in the boardroom given how much she's brought to each task. Like Dayana, Teresa has slid by thanks to not having any outright screw ups. At some point though, you need to contribute something huge that wins your team a task or you need to go home.

Here's a look at how the ballots shook out…


Clay Aiken(17)

Aubrey O'Day (16)

Penn Jillette (15)

Paul Teutul Sr. (14)

Lisa Lampanelli (13)

Dayana Mendoza (12)

Arsenio Hall (11)

Lou Ferrigno (10)

Teresa Giudice (9)


Penn Jillette (17)

Clay Aiken (16)

Aubrey O'Day (15)

Lisa Lampanelli (14)

Paul Teutul Sr (13)

Arsenio Hall (12)

Lou Ferrigno (11)

Dayana Mendoza (10)

Teresa Giudice (9)

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Celebrity Apprentice Recap Part 1: No, The Can't Take That Away From Me

Celebrity Apprentice Recap Part 1: No, They Can't Take That Away From Me.

Oh shit, Gasmii. Can you believe what happened this week on Celebrity Apprentice? Besides the unexpected three hour tour on this shipwreck, all the wrong people got sent home. And Sparks decided since one hour of his boardroom isn't enough, we get to sit through two boardrooms. At first I thought it was an April Fool's joke, but I was sadly mistaken. Each week they slowly increase the torture on this show. I'd call Uncle, but I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to be uncling about. Maybe they are just a sado masochistic lot that produces the show.

Plus, now I'm going to have to modify my entire prediction of who takes home the title of Sparky's Best Bitch, since my pick went home this week. Damn that Trump hound!

So let's get started. It's gonna be a long one, which I shall break up into two parts.

The episode picks up with the women returning to the boardroom after Patricia got the ax. Aubrey is being coddled and caressed by everyone for her crocodile tears, while Dayana finally breaks down at the thought that her beloved sister and mentor has been sent packing.

Dayana-blots-tears.jpgThis is how a beauty queen cries.

Aubrey-cries-ugly.jpgAubrey, take note.

Debbie tells us that her team is emotionally charged and dysfunctional. Since the men are ready to get out there and work, unless the women can get it together, they will continue to lose.

Clay goes to visit the National Inclusion Project, which allows disabled children to participate in things like summer camp and helps them feel like they fit in. Finally a feel good and happy delivery of the winnings on this show!

clay-national-inclusion-funny.jpgSupporting his alma mater is very admirable.

Clay says this has only fueled his fire to be the one to win the whole thing an bring back another $250,000 to his charity.

The next day the teams all meet up at Trump Tower.

Debbie-Bob-Fosse.jpgDebbie's getting her Bob Fosse on.

Aubrey-plump-lips.jpgAre there lip plumping strips you can wear overnight, like those teeth whiteners?

Sparks tells the teams they will be making Celebrity Guide Books. Whoever sells the most wins. What the hell is a celebrity guide book? No idea, although the undead daughter did try to explain it to us but her mouth wasn't working quite right. DJ must have won the Patricia feast after the last boardroom.

Ivanka-needs-blood.jpgShe's losing her elasticity. Someone get her an O+ pint STAT!

Trump asks who the women will have as team manager and Teresa immediately pipes up it will be her. Aubrey thinks having Teresa as project manager will spell disaster. Teresa tells us it is up to her to turn this team around. Can she do it?

Teresa-evil-queen-coat.jpgConsidering she must have mugged the

Evil Queen from Once Upon A Time for this outfit,

I'd say she is at least brave enough!

By the way, I'd like to lodge a general complaint to all the skinny women of the world. Stop wearing those hour glass dresses meant to create the illusion of a better figure!

Ivanka-skinny-dress-262x300.jpgIf you bitches wear them, we won't be fooling anyone.

Leave the illusion to those who need it!

Dee volunteers to be the project manager for Unanimous. So apparently the winning manager will get all the money earned by both teams plus a bonus from Toshiba (they are somehow involved). Also there will be a mystery celebrity judge. I hope it's P-Diddy!

Trump-brought-for-Aubrey.jpgHey Aubrey, look who I brought to see you.

Aubrey-not-funny.jpgThat's not funny, you carrot stained zombie.

In the Forte war room, Teresa informs her team that the most important thing is that they bring in a lot of money. I can see they are planning on the donation, rather than the sales angle once again. So what's the point of coming up with anything at all? Each week they should just sit in front of phones for two hours. The girls are all irritated that Teresa's leadership does not seem to extend past stating the obvious.

Dayana chimes in right away with an idea, which could be a good one, although I still don't really understand what they are making. It doesn't seem to be accepted by the team and Debbie suggests they all go out and get photos, then reconvene for the writing and soliciting. It sounds like the girls are going to start their project with no direction.

At Unanimous, Dee just outright says he doesn't care about the book. They will be concentrating on fund raising alone. I would like to see what would happen if they came to the judging table with no book but a ton of money.

Penn comes up with the idea the men will go with, although Clay doesn't like it. It sounds like a celebrity will stand on a roof overlooking a part of town and then write up about that area. Clay's concern is that every shot will be the same. Dee takes one second to deliberate, realizes Clay is right but remembers they are going to spend very little time on this book and green lights the concept. I still have no idea what they are doing but I'm gonna agree with Clay on this one, whatever it is.

The women are now off to take photographs. I'd make a snarky comment about them always relying on pictures, but it appears they are an integral part of this project, so never mind. The teams have split up with Lisa and Debbie in one car and Dayana, Teresa and Aubrey in the other.

Debbie-models.jpgDebbie practices her super modeling

Aubrey says that she feels like she is in prison with how slow Teresa and Dayana are working. She refers to them as two blonde physicists. Nice. She's irritated at how many backlit shots Dayana wants her to take.

The men have headed to the top of Trump tower and nearly cream their pants at the view.

Lou-with-view.jpgThis is how Lou blows his wad.

I'm feeling pretty nervous for Penn.

Penn-precarious.jpgHe's perched precariously.

And sure enough, Lou is photographing him. Lou comes on to tell us it was the perfect opportunity to get rid of someone he doesn't like, since Penn wanted to bring him back to the boardroom. He imagines pushing Penn over the edge.

Lou-plots-murder.jpgMurder is fun!

At Forte, Lisa and Debbie are going over their pictures with the graphic designer but the other three aren't back yet. Debbie calls them and tells them they have to get back now. Teresa the fearless leader sits mum in the car with big eyes. Lisa predicts there is no way they know how much she hates them.

Since Paul isn't a writer, Penn channels him and comes up with a piece that everyone loves. It's about how much Paul hates everything.

Paul-reads.jpgIncluding reading.

Arsenio is reading over Clay's write up and tells Clay the whole thing is good. Clay tells Arsenio the last line was a joke as he crosses it out. Arsenio informs Clay that when you're not funny, jokes don't appear to be jokes to people who actually do them.

Clay-and-Arsenio-horse-around.jpgClay opens up a can of whoop ass.

The women return to the war room and Debbie and Lisa give them the silent treatment. According to Lisa, it is too late for whatever the girls have. Debbie asks Teresa if they are doing signage and the answer is they do signage every time. But girlfriend hasn't assigned anyone to the task. It seems like they have no concept, no direction and no leader.

Teresa tells us that they always do signage and she feels like Debbie is setting her up to fail. What? She didn't assign anyone to do signage; it's a good thing Debbie even thought to do it. I think Teresa has a case of the delusionals.

Teresa-green-measles.jpgOr maybe it's just green measles.

The men are making calls like crazy. Penn is pulling in the Blue Man Group, Dee is on the phone with someone named Dave – for some reason, I'm thinking David Lee Roth. Everyone is making calls, even Arsenio. He tells us that a lot of his friends are avoiding him. Then he gives us a hard life lesson.

Arsenio-got-no-friends.jpg"When you don't actually have a talk show, a lot of people

who you think are your friends are not your friends."

Arsenio gets the brilliant idea to call Jay Leno from the Trump phone so Jay will take the call.

Arsenio-gets-check-from-Jay.jpgJay offers to send a blank check.

Lisa is scolding Dayana and Teresa about taking too many pictures and wasting time. Lisa is grumpy and says it always falls to her to save everyone's ass. Teresa looks completely lost.

Dayana makes the mistake of asking Lisa if there are subway directions in the book. Bad idea, pretty girl. Lisa goes off.

Lisa-yells-at-the-girls.jpgShut up! Shut up! Shut up!

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Part 2

From the looks of things, it does seem like everyone is standing around and relying on Lisa to do everything. Dayana tries to defend herself by saying she was just trying to find out where she could help out, but look at Teresa. She's had that same look on her face all day. Did girlfriend really think she could lead?

Lisa goes off in testimonial and actually starts crying. Its clear she is massively stressed out and definitely carried the weight of this task on her shoulders. But I think she completely misunderstood Dayana and what Dayana was suggesting and she's so stressed she flew off the handle.

Lisa-blur-swear.jpgSeriously FCC? Deaf people aren't allowed to see a swear?

It's the next day and the men are out hocking their guide books. Dee is telling people to pay whatever they want but to rememebr it's for charity. Naturally, Lou is informing people that the guide book is five dollars. Clay and Paul have to intervene to stop Lou from undermining their fundraising.

Penn-sells-books-300x274.jpgAnd true to Dee's word, it looks like the book is a piece of crap.

The women are also hocking their book and it looks to me like Debbie and whoever have managed to come up with a concept and a look that is very akin to NYC taxis. I think it is cute and clever. I'm pretty sure Teresa did not have a finger in that creative pie.

Forte-guide-book-sell.jpgSadly, it looks like nobody wants pie today.

The women are trying very hard to sell their books and are now doing the one thing that never works with New Yorkers, a direct sales approach.

Aubrey-tries-to-sell.jpgLook, I'm no Debbie Gibson, but I'll sing for you if you buy this book.

New-Yorker-suspicious.jpgWe New Yorkers are a suspicious lot. Especially when

a pretty girl tells us she needs our help.

Back at the men's team, guess who shows up… Michael Andretti! How's that for an awesome dude? Even though he was fired before he ever had a chance to earn any money for his own charity, he is here today to donate twenty thousand dollars. When he asks Clay how many books he can get for that, the miserly Clay tells him "just one." LOL – I'm loving Clay more and more.

Michael-ANdretti-shows-up.jpgHe's quiet and unassuming but saves the day.

Michael Andretti is a super hero!

All the men are raking in money. Dee has a guy giving fifteen thousand, Lou has a dude giving twenty. And then there's Arsenio.

Arsenio-lost-in-the-mail.jpgJay Leno's check is lost in the mail?

According to Arsenio, it arrived at his office in NYC at 7 am but his office doesn't open until ten, so it went back into the Fedex system and is now lost. Dude! If your ass is getting a blank check from Jay Leno, you hire someone to sit in that office from midnight until it arrives. I'm sure Jay doesn't appreciate having a blank check roaming around NYC. Not Arsenio's brightest moment.

Things have picked up for team Forte and they are starting to get some donations. But their measly eight and five thousand dollar donations don't seem like they are going to compare to what the men are pulling in. Dayana manages to eek out a fifteen hundred dollar donation from a couple just passing by, which I think is pretty impressive. She does a little victory dance but all her teammates ignore her success. Bitches.

Apparently Teresa's donations aren't yet coming in and now she's getting as nervous as Arsenio.

Holy crapamoly what the hell is that? Walking down the street is a giant black human balloon with a blue face. It's the Blue Man Group coming to help out Penn.

Blue-man-group-arrives.jpgSeriously, pink tie? You're so important you

can't be seen walking on front of a balloon?

Teller-donates.jpgTeller shows up at the same time and makes

a twenty thousand dollar donation.

The Blue Man Group are putting on quite the spectacle and blow up huge balloons full of money which burst open, scattering cash everywhere. There is a mad scramble as people from the streets dash in to collect the bills. Dee is shouting "that money is for charity!", but these are New Yorkers.

New-york-scramble.jpgThey are their own favorite charity.

Clay is upset at the mob mentality that happened. He says people were grabbing cash out of his hand and Arsenio saw a women stuffing money down her pants. Clay wonders if they even got half of what Blue Man Group gave them. It did look like it could have turned into a pretty ugly mob scene. I'm sad to hear that people didn't scramble to gather the money to keep it safe and return it to Unanimous.

Woman-returns-money.jpgBut a few help restore my faith in humanity.

Clay's feathers are really ruffled. Dee tries to console him but Clay is too upset to talk about it. At least Clay is focusing his ire in the right place and is angry with Penn for inviting a circus idea that negatively affected other people. It would appear there will still be no love between these two brilliant minds.

Things still look a lot slower at Team Forte but Aubrey brings up a woman who is donating two thousand dollars. Then Aubrey comes on to tell us that although she's not bringing in the highest donations, she is bringing in the most donations.

Aubrey-I-am-awesome.jpgEvery person I meet, I touch them with the venomous poison

in my nails and then they suddenly realize how awesome

I am and they want to give me money.

Dayana announces she has yet another donation, this time for seventeen thousand five hundred dollars. She got Marco Andretti to donate seven thousand dollars. Isn't that the guy who was supposed to be on the show? Does he know this wouldn't have been his team? Maybe he's just bummed he didn't get a chance to hang out with our Miss Universe. Dayana also got a bunch of her friends together to complete the rest of the donation.

Dayana-brings-in-money.jpgThey better not be calling her name in the boardroom this week!

Finally Teresa's husband arrives and has a bunch of checks that total about twenty thousand dollars from all their friends. She feels that she is now safe if they don't win the assignment. Her delusional illness is in high gear.

Clay-politician.jpgClay Aiken for President!

I'm loving Clay Aiken more and more. As he signs his autograph on their book, he tells a customer he knows using a pink marker is redundant. Hah!

It's down to the last minutes of the task and Arsenio's check from Jay still hasn't arrived. Word is it is with one of his assistants stuck in traffic. He's panicking. In the background, people are vying to buy the men's books before the final bell tolls.

Just after the cut off, Arsenio's check from Jay arrives. Red coat girl who delivers it complains about the 7 am delivery. Seriously? I thought New Yorkers were early risers and got things done. They were when I lived there. Of course I lived on a farm and had no choice, but still. This ain't Hollywood, people.

Arsenio-worried.jpgArsenio is right to be worried.

Trump is meeting with the celebrity judge. It turns out to be Regis Philbin. I want to pay attention to what they are saying but it looks like someone forgot to finish capping Sparky's head today.

Regis-is-judge.jpgIs that a bald spot or an optical illusion?

Regis is having a hard time deciding which book is the winner.

Trump-wall-of-love.jpgForget the book. Look at Trump's wall of self love in the background.

Regis loves the women's cover but wishes it were in color. He adores how the men covered large areas in their guide. But then again the personal touch of specific places in the women's book is very appealing. They go on and on but I keep getting distracted by the room they are sitting in. There are baseball bats, shovels, football helmets, and a clutter of chotchkies.

Trump-what-is-this-room.jpgWhere the hell are we? On a Hoarders episode?

Board room Time Part 1:

Trump starts out by asking Teresa if she thinks her team won. She says she has no idea but she hopes so.

Teresa-eyebrows.jpgLiza-Minnelli.jpgLiza Minnelli called. She wants her eyebrows back.

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Part 3

Trump asks Dayana if things went better this week and she says she always has a difficult time. She jokes that her name should be on one of the chairs and she should own it. This gets a lot of laughs but Bitchanelli doesn't see the humor in it.

Lisa-no-one-can-laugh.jpgLisa thinks she has a patent on Forte joking.

Get that hideous thing on your chin checked, bitch.

Aubrey tells Sparky that Dayana did bring in money but derailed the team in other ways such as having a fight with Lisa. Lisa then tells the geezer that Dayana told her to put in subway stops, which wasn't the case at all. Dayana simply asked if it was being done because she thought everyone was doing that for their portion of the write up. But Lisa keeps talking over Dayana and not letting her defend herself.

Lisa continues to spew ugly and informs the board that she does all the work herself with some help from Aubrey. When Trump says that means she's saying Teresa was not a good project manager, Lisa revises her statement to cover both Debbie and Teresa. She's gunning for Dayana, regardless of who ruined this task. Bitch.

Debbie chimes in and suggests the weakness lies with the project manager. Teresa finally gets pissed off and tells us that she told Debbie to do the printing and didn't think the girl needed to be baby sat. She raises her voice and hits the table. Despite the men's hope that she'll flip it, she settles back down into meek Teresa once again.

The women are so dysfunctional! Aubrey raises her hand and asks if she can go on the other team.

Men-hell-no.jpgHell no!

Debbie says Teresa doesn't like anyone who speaks up against her and Teresa informs Debbie she's not dressed professionally. Holy cow can this get any more petty?

Forte-dress-like-that.jpgApparently the Elvira look is considered professional.

Sparky interrupts this cat fight to tell us that Regis picked the women's book as the winner. This means that they get an additional thirty five thousand dollars to add on to their total. Sounds like they are going to wipe the floor with the boys, right? Let us not forget the days of Paul Teutel and his last minute gargantuan donation….

There's discussion of the Blue Man Group and Clay is pissed and says it was a bad idea. He says they lost a lot of money, which both Dee and Penn claim was never their money. The eight thousand dollars that the Blue Man Group blew up was apparently part of their performance, although Sparky agrees with Clay on this one. Clay vehemently tells them all that it was a stupid idea.

Arsenio has to fess up that he raised no money and explains why.

Next, Sparky tells the teams that together they raised hundreds of thousands of dollars and the difference between the winning and losing team was only fourteen dollars. A first for Celebrity Apprentice. That will be a painful loss for someone.

But wait! If the women get the thirty five thousand added to their total and the difference between the two teams is fourteen dollars, doesn't that mean the men must have raised more money?

So Dorkus Amongus tells us the women raised $127,855 plus the $35,000 Toshiba bonus for a grand total of $162,855. Not too shabby. Ivanka tells us the men raised $162,869. Which means the men won. It also means a bunch of bull. I bet Regis didn't even pick the women's book. It was all rigged for big drama – the women never came close to winning this task. Damn reality show manipulators.

So Dee wins, which means the March of Dimes will win $326,000. That's more than the amount you can win for being named the Celebrity Apprentice. Hmmm…. I wonder what that could mean for Dee in the future… Together the teams have raised over one million dollars for charity so far. That's pretty awesome.

The men are dismissed and I can't imagine how awful this board room is going to be.

DJ-more-female-blood.jpg*sigh* Female blood again.

Ivanka-tired-of-botox.jpgI know, I'm so sick of the taste of Botox.

The women are now alone and the conversation ranges from Lisa being the biggest fund raiser, followed by Teresa to Aubrey being the lowest fundraiser. But Aubrey's number was still over twenty thousand dollars, so Trump moves on.

He asks Teresa what she meant by having to babysit people and she explains that Debbie should know what it means to do the printing. Debbie rightly defends herself by saying they had no concept, no visuals and the graphic designer was being monopolized by the book. She and Aubrey went out and created a look for their stand on their own. I can't see how Teresa's argument can stand up to that but then Trump asks Teresa who else she had to babysit. Hello? She didn't babysit anyone! Teresa names Dayana, of course.

Trump asks Debbie who he should fire and she says Teresa, even though she knows she will pay for it. She makes a good point that Lisa raised more money for Teresa's task than Teresa did. She thinks Teresa should be fired but when asked who the weakest player is, she names Dayana.

Dayana-gorgeous.jpgWhy can't my hottie catch a break?

Teresa names Dayana and Debbie as the two she will bring back with her to the boardroom. This seems like a clear and obvious ending to me. Dayana won't go anywhere and Debbie doesn't deserve to be there, so I'm confident that Teresa will be getting the ax after the commercial break.

The men predict that Teresa made a mistake by not picking Aubrey to come back. Their theory is that Trump will focus on fundraising and since Aubrey made the least amount she would have been sent packing. Wishful thinking…

Sparks asks about the fundraising and the order of bringing in the most money falls thusly; Teresa, then Dayana, then Debra.

Debra-mad-at-question.jpgBitch, I told you you should have brought in Aubrey.

The women get into it when Trump asks about the printing and Debbie and Teresa are talking over each other so much that the board room execs start their own conversation as well. No one is listening to each other and it is completely ridiculous. Teresa starts slinging insults like asking Debbie how old she is and pointing out that her heyday was in the '80′s and suggesting she doesn't have a lot of contacts anymore and is maybe talented in singing, but that would be it. It's not pretty.

Trump has had enough and as he tells them to stop talking, Debbie continues with her final rant. Oh Debbie, that can get a girl in trouble. Thankfully, Sparky lets it go and then the idea of fund raising comes up again.

Debbie tells them that if the issue was fund raising it should have been her and Aubrey brought back in to the board room and not Dayana. OMG shut up before you shoot yourself in the foot!

Sparks says ultimately this was a fundraising task and it all comes down to who raised the most money.

I think their expressions make it clear who is in trouble.

Sure enough, Trump fires Debra because she raised the least amount of money. Too add insult to injury, he tells Debra if Teresa had brought back Aubrey chances are Aubrey would have been the one fired. This is bullshit! I think the wrong person got fired here and for once I was on the side of Ego Gibson.

Debbie-goes-away.jpgGoodbye Debbie Gibson! I'll miss making fun of you.

Has this brought our egotistical has-been singer down? I'll let her give you the answer.

Debbie-still-wins.jpg"Does my ego like that I was fired? No.

But, Mr. Trump can't fire me from being

Debbie Gibson, so nothing is lost."

DJ-doesnt-want-Debbie.jpgI don't want that meat. Ivanka you eat it.

Ivanka-doesnt-want-Debbie.jpgYou're such an idiot, DJ. You know I can't eat old women.

Donald-communicates-with-his-kids.jpgCool it, you two! She'll make a good chew

toy for Barron to practice on.

Stay Tuned for the Second Half of this 3 hour slug fest….

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Celebrity Apprentice Recap Part 2: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Celebrity Apprentice Recap Part 2: Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

And we're back with the second half of Donald's love affair with seeing himself on TV.

We previously left off just when Debbie Gibson got the boot. So things pick up in the waiting room, where both teams are thinking it is Teresa that will be fired. Dee specifically points out that it will be Teresa because she didn't bring in Aubrey.

Aubrey goes all female passive aggressive on Dee, which never works with men. But I can totally see the sorority girl in her with her stupid comments of telling Dee it's okay to say crap to her face rather than behind her back. Umm, he just did say it to your face. Then she says he kisses her ass everyday, which he denies and tells her he'd be happy to say shit to her face.

Lisa-what-is-going-on.jpgWhat's going on?

Lisa begs Aubrey to not start fighting with the men's team. Aubrey stomps off, saying Dee is so phony she can't stand to see his face. Ummm….


Actually, that's not really true, since Dee isn't fake at all. I think Aubrey is pissed off because when she asked to join the men's team, Dee shouted "No!" She was expecting them to embrace her brilliance and adorableness with open arms. Girlfriend has a bruised ego.

Arsenio comes on to tell us Aubrey is the ultimate trouble maker. He's thanking God he doesn't have to be on her team.

Arsenio-yay-no-aubrey-on-my-team.jpgFamous last words.

When Lisa asks what happened, Dee says out loud that Aubrey is evil and since she's running out of victims on the women's team, she's making her move on the men's team. How's that for saying it to your face, Aubrey? Dee tells us in confessional that she's a vixen who will use her womanly wiles to her advantage. Looks like Dee is right.

Aubrey-targets-Lou.jpgAubrey targets the men's weakest player.

Teresa and Dayana return from the boardroom and at first Aubrey is delighted to see Teresa but then she realizes that means Debbie is gone. The others are stunned and Lisa surmises she must have killed someone in a former life to still be stuck with the two worthless bitches who returned. Actually, I think it' all your poison karma in this life that you are feeling, Lisa.

Dayana is smug and tells everyone that the issue was about fundraising and Aubrey's name was mentioned several times. She says bringing her into the boardroom was a bad decision by the project manager. Teresa gets pissed off and the two get into it.

Clay settles on a couch and asks someone to bring him some popcorn.

Dayana actually wins the argument and shuts up Teresa but this team has completely unraveled. Lisa wonders what it will be like for them on the next task and who will be able to lead them to a victory.

It's the next day and time for the water works. Dee is presenting his check for the March of Dimes to a couple with a premature baby. I'm holding back the freaking tears so The Professor won't make fun of me.

Dee-holds-baby.jpgIf this doesn't choke you up, you need help.

The teams meet with Sparky inside a gymnasium and he informs the women that since they've lost 5 out of seven tasks, he is switching up the teams. He sends Aubrey and Teresa over to the men's side and pulls Lou, Dee and Penn from the men's team to support Lisa and Dayana. While I'm sure Clay is thrilled to be rid of Penn, none of the men like the change up.

Arsenio-falls.jpgArsenio decides a heart attack will be less awful

than having Aubrey on his team.

Trump asks how they feel about the new teams and he starts with his man crush Lou. Lou says since he has been married 31 years, he can tolerate women. Dorkus Amongus is amused that Lou can only tolerate them.

Vamperic-joins-us.jpgLooks like VampEric is joining us for this task.

Ivanka must be re-elasticizing after a good feed.

Dayana is thrilled with the change up and says if Lisa is upset that they are still on the same team it is too bad for Lisa. I like to see that Dayana is finally getting a spine and starting to look out for herself.

Trump introduces two of the stuffiest, whitest, Ivy leaguest corporate dudes we've seen so far. They are from Walgreens and they are starting a new campaign called Walk with Walgreens to get people to walk thirty minutes a day. The teams will have to do a live presentation that promotes the campaign and design the membership kit that goes along with it. Alison Sweeney from The Biggest Loser will be judging along with Corporate out of touch dudes.

Lou will be the team leader for the new Lisa/Dayana team. He's thrilled that the task involves physical fitness and he thinks the idea of walking connects beautifully with his charity, since the Muscular Dystrophy Foundation is all about walking with heart. Seems a little abstract to me, but maybe he'll win.

Sparks now has a boner, since his man hunk is taking the lead. He can't help himself.

Trump-wants-pushups.jpgLou, will you do push ups for me?

Aubrey, always wanting to make it about herself and maybe hoping to deflect Trump's lust onto herself so she can marry well, asks if she can compete with Lou. WTF? She's in a skin tight black dress and she wants to go against Lou Ferrigno? She's off her rocker. Sparky grants her permission, so she gets down and starts pumping away. Her form is decent but her head is hanging low. Lou takes a minute to position himself to the best visible advantage and then lays flat down on the floor with his arms out in front of him. What the hell is he doing?

Lou-amazing-push-up.jpgHoly shit, he's using his triceps!

I've never seen a push up like that before. That takes some serious conditioning. Everyone is blown away and one would hope Aubrey is humbled as she does a little scramble of shame to get back to her feet. The judges all declare Lou the winner.

DJ-likes-Lou-too.jpgI think Dorkus Amongus just figured out

what his dad has been gushing about.

Dee tells us Lou is going to be 60 on Wednesday. Awesome.

Arsenio will be the team leader for the Aubrey/Teresa mashup and he tells us he's playing for the Magic Johnson Foundation, but he's also playing for his cousin who died of AIDS. The winning team will get the usual 20K plus Walgreens is throwing in an additional 30K.

Well, turns out Dayana was right. Lisa is upset that Dayana is still on her team. And now that she has to deal with Lou too, she tells us she is literally in her idea of hell and will have to deal with these idiots for the rest of eternity.

LIsa-upset-at-team.jpg"Thank you, God."

Do you think Lisa would be more pleasant if she got more sleep? I hate what a bitch she has turned out to be.

Lisa's team is using the Forte war room, so that shall now be the new name of the team that consists of Lou, Penn, Dee, Lisa and Dayana. Dee asks how they should start and Lisa tells him since their formula has not worked, it would be best to operate the way the guys have been doing it.

Lisa-sleep-deprived.jpgLisa sure does look sleep deprived.

Penn pipes up that he has to leave in the afternoon for a show and won't be back until the next morning. The execs from Walgreens arrive to explain the task and Lisa says she's their perfect target audience. The couch potato who doesn't want to move at all and would rather be wheeled around in a wheelchair all day, even though they aren't handicapped.

Lou tells the execs that he's had both knees and both hips replaced and while he was recovering he started walking and realized the great benefits of walking. The execs are polite, but giving them a testimonial isn't really going to get the job done. Lou says they loved his story, however, and somehow that will translate to them winning the task.

Team Unanimous will now consist of Clay, Arsenio, Paul, Teresa and Aubrey. They are gathered together and Aubrey starts spewing about her creative ideas. She's seriously going on and on and frankly I think she's stating the obvious; it has to be bold and bright, it has to catch the eye, it has to make the shopper want to pick it out among all the other items at Walgreens. Finally she stops talking and asks Arsenio what he thinks. He pauses to carefully choose his words then tells her, "I love to hear what the executives are looking for before locking in on an idea."

Aubrey-gets-shot-down.jpgThe first Aubrey shoot down in history! Yay Arsenio!

Naturally now that Aubrey has had her wings clipped she tells us she isn't as impressed with Arsenio as she expected to be. When the execs arrive, Aubrey interrupts Arsenio's questions to steam roll the conversation.

Arsenio-stunned.jpgAre you kidding me, bitch?

Arsenio calls her a narcissistic piece of work.

Back at team Forte, Penn is pitching an idea about all the things you can do while walking. I kind of like it; my biggest complaint about working out is that it eats up time I could be doing something else. Amazingly, Lisa likes the idea and is good with rolling with it. I was expecting her to squash it unmercifully. She actually seems delighted with Penn and says he is clearly the smartest person competing and that together she and he will be running the show. Lou not so much.

Lou delegates Dee to direct the design of the box, while he puts Lisa on writing. For himself, he shall be the presenter. Penn argues that the concept is what can you do while walking and one cannot become Mr. Universe while walking. He thinks it would be better to utilize one of the professional speakers they have on their team. Lou tells them that he is the project manager and he will be presenting. I like his conviction but it is so clear this boy is a one trick muscle pony.

One thing I do like, though, is that the men are listening to Dayana's ideas and Penn even comes on to tell us that he thinks Dayana is a team player and clearly works hard and he's very happy to have her on his team.

At Unanimous, guess what: Aubrey's talking. Arsenio suggests a theme of putting a talk show on it's feet. Brilliant Clay tells them they have to encourage the audience to interact, rather than just watch. He suggests it be a game show instead. Aubrey nearly leaps from her chair jumping on the idea and steamrolling over Clay's voice.

Aubrey-leaps-from-chair.jpgI'll bet she's chalking this one up to her idea now.

Aubrey is now focusing on the packaging design and she's suggesting the box have each of their faces on it with a quote under it; Paul's could be "I walk to stay healthy", Clay "I walk to keep my lungs or whatever, about singing", Teresa "I walk to whatever, to keep up with my girls", Aubrey "I walk so I can stay hot", Arsenio "Arsenio, you could be the person that took a walk away from the industry for awhile."

Arsenio-stunned-again.jpgSay what???

Aresnio says the girl is ruthless and manipulative and this was clearly meant as a diss. He says he isn't going to be able to stand working with her much more. The team heads out to Walgreens to get their pictures taken for their box design.

At Walgreens, Aubrey is running the show and taking all the pictures. Arsenio feels like she's taking pics of him that are too close, but she refuses to let him see the pictures. Who the hell is this girl??? I'm still smarting from her Arsenio jab and I'd like to point out that while these are her contemporary years, I had no idea who she was, which means when she's a has-been, she'll also be long forgotten. Can't say that about Arsenio, bitch. In fact, he's so legendary you only have to use his first name and most people know who you are talking about.

At Forte, Penn is working on developing a script before he has to go. He's planning on still doing the talking for all the important presentation stuff, but he's doing a good job of convincing Lou that he's the presenter. Penn has to leave and Lisa likens it to watching daddy go off to work. She's worried how things will go without him.

Next they focus on their box design. Dee wants to concentrate on branding and he's using the Walgreens logos without "screwing with them".

Dayana-wants-to-do-creative.jpgDayana wishes it were a little more creative.

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Part 2

Dorkus Amongus arrives to check on Forte and something funky is going on behind him. I can't decide if it is a ghost or just his essence of body snatcher leaving a trail behind him. See for yourself:

DJ-walks-in-1.jpgDJ-walks-in-2.jpgDJ-walks-in-3.jpgThe Walking Undead?

Today is a good day for Dorkus Amongus and he's looking hot again. He tells us that Lisa recognizes that she's still a strong player and if she has to manage Lou to get the win, then maybe a little insubordination is a good thing. Doesn't sound like he's got much confidence in Lou.

While DJ is hanging with the Forte team, Dayana is helping Dee with computer issues. DJ surmises she isn't as useless as it has been claimed.

Dayana-proves-she-is-useful.jpgDee says he's impressed with her intellect and maturity.

I had no idea Dayana was only 25. The way she handles all the bitchy cattiness that surrounds her and the fact that she's never stooped to their level impresses the hell out of me now that I know her age. I thought she was much older based on the way she conducts herself.

Lisa-cant-believe-her-ears.jpgLisa wants to vomit at what she is hearing.

Lisa is a jealous bitch. I got nothing more to add to that. I'm not going to repeat her poisonous spew.

At Unanimous, they are working on their box design. Scratch that. Aubrey is working on her sheer genius concept and everyone else watches. When they get to the picture of Arsenio, he tells her he wants her to use the other picture, but she refuses. Refuses! Whatever happened to being a team player and respecting your project manager?

Unanimous-hates-Aubrey.jpg"Sorry Arsenio, but if you hate the picture you hate yourself.

'Cause that's what you look like. Those wrinkles are really there."

Clay says he's uncomfortable with how much Aubrey is taking over and doing things without approval. VampEric arrives to check on their progress and even though Aubrey was over working on the box while the team was sitting around a table with Vamp, Aubrey abandons her post and takes a seat at the table and immediately takes over the conversation. No one says anything and after a minute she says, "Sorry. Am I taking over?" She always expects people to give her permission to lead on at points like this, but instead Arsenio says "yes." They cut it to appear to be very awkward after she leaves the table and returns to the computer, but I bet that wasn't really how it was. I hope she feels like her wrist was slapped, though.

Vamperic-thinks-about-Aubrey.jpgI wonder if Aubrey blood will sing in my veins.

By the way, look at the background behind VampEric. This team is a bunch of slobs!

At team Forte, they are riding in a van and they have decided their slogan is "Walk and do it all". Lisa then suggests they have words in gray in the background that depict all the things you can be doing while you are walking. Dee is throwing out words like flirting and dating but then he starts saying scratching and itching and yelling and insulting. Dayana hates the idea, she feels like the words are too negative and will confuse the idea they are trying to project.

Forte-makes-their-sign-words.jpgBut she's learned her lesson about interrupting Lisa.

They are now at their stage and rehearsing. Lisa is running the show, but sadly it is very apparent that she has to. Both Lou and Dayana would be going out into left field if she wasn't reigning them in. I recognize that she really does have the weight of the job on her shoulders, but she doesn't need to be such a bitch about it. I can't believe she turns to the camera and whispers so Lou won't hear,

Lisa-whispers-about-Lou.jpg"It's going to be so sad when Lou goes home tomorrow."

Bitch! You just keep creating your own karmic hell.

At Unanimous, everything is a struggle with Aubrey. She wants everyone to use the quotes she's written for them, but Arsenio is arguing as he wants to use his own words. She's always saying Dayana is disruptive but she keeps interrupting any conversation she isn't involved in. While the other teammates are reviewing what they will be saying in the game show, Aubrey asks Clay to come over and approve his photo. When Arsenio goes to check his out, it still isn't the photo he wants to use. Aubrey absolutely refuses to use his photo because she says it is not in-line with the others. I see her point, but Arsenio is also right that as the game show host, it would make sense that he has a different head shot than the contestants. Then again, the sign behind him in the picture he wants to use says "eat right" so that could create confusion with the walking concept.

Clay tells us Aubrey makes sure everyone approves her work and that she does nothing better than she does cover her own ass. Unbelievably, at some point Aubrey outright asks if the men are happy to have her and Teresa on their team.

Aubrey-passive-aggressive.jpgI think Aubrey is incredibly passive-aggressive and

preys on the politeness of others.

It's late evening and at team Forte, Lisa is in hell. She has managed to convince the team that Dayana shouldn't be in a two piece for the presentation. Dayana informed Lisa that all she wears are thongs, which I'm sure fries Lisa's big ass. Luckily, a store is found that is still open and has bathing suits so Lou and Dayana head off to find her a modest one piece to wear for the presentation.

Lisa-in-hell.jpgLisa tells Dee she can't take it anymore.

She tries to persuade Dee to see that Dayana is worthless and stupid. Dee can't believe she's trying to talk to him about feelings and not only that, he doesn't see what she is talking about. He gently tries to tell her that in recent years he's decided it is better to be less vicious. I think he's actually talking about her and I'm loving him right about now. Lisa's behavior is the mark of a desperate person trying to undermine people because she doesn't have an honest foot to stand on.

It's now the day of the presentations and Penn has arrived after taking an overnight flight. According to Dee, Penn is operating on just one hour of sleep. They start their set up and rehearsal.

Penn-and-signage.jpgTheir signage is horrible!

It's time for the presentation. Lou comes out and delivers an excellent motivational story about his knee and hip replacements and how he had to learn to walk again. Lisa even admits he did a great job and she's proud that he stuck to the script.

The presentation is going great. Penn is funny and Dayana is adorable. They are getting laughs. But then poor Penn on his one of our sleep accidentally says Walk with Walmart.

Judges-wince.jpgThe judges wince.

It seems like things are a little bit tense. Penn realizes his mistake and starts shouting Walgreens! Walgreens! Suddenly, Dayana literally bounces on stage and asks in a ditzy voice if she should pass Penn her crown. The crowd bursts out laughing and the seriousness of the situation is diffused. Dyana literally saved the presentation.

Dayana-saves-the-day.jpgThere can't be any way she gets called back tonight!

It seems like Forte nailed this presentation. It was funny, educational, interactive and fun. The judges seem to love it as the team takes their final bows. But then the team leaves the stage and the judges start examining their set design. Alison Sweeney is confused about the itching, yelling and scratching words in the background of their banner. Ruh roh.

Unanimous is up next and Clay is great as the game show announcer. Arsenio revs up the crowd and makes them do his signature arm pump while shouting "Walk with Walgreens!" They hand out t-shirts which I guess make the crowd each part of a team for the game show. But the game show is kind of a dud. There are no categories on the questions, clearly spinning the wheel has no bearing on what Arsenio will ask the contestants (who are Paul, Teresa and Aubrey). They answers questions, but do they win anything? How is it a game? And I don't really see how the audience is interacting. But the crowd looks like they like it.

Unanimous-presents.jpgAubrey tries to use mental telepathy to

inform the crowd she designed the box.

Arsenio tells us he's proud of the work they did and of his job as project manager. His hardest task was managing Aubrey. He's hoping they will win but he says he will be a caged tiger in the boardroom fighting for that check.

The judges like the box but feel like the Unanimous presentation was intensely fact based and not really spelled out. They decide they have a tough decision ahead of them and head off to talk to Sparky.

Boardroom Time Part 2:

Sparks asks Lou how they did and Lou says he thinks they won. Lisa doesn't think Lou was the best project manager and explains to the old man that there were no assignments, people just took it upon themselves to make the show work. Lisa says Lou isn't tough enough to manage but Donald interrupts and disagrees. He asks Penn if he agrees with Lisa and Penn takes the opportunity to wiggle out of an answer by saying he wasn't there for most of the prep time. Stupid Sparky proposes they fire Penn because he wasn't around.

Since when is it an offense when career calls? I've seen Cyndi Lauper disappear from a task because of another engagement in a previous season and just this season, Sparks gave Adam Carolla a pass to host a freaking wedding. Hypocrite!

Lisa and Dee come to Penn's defense and Sparky backs off.

Trump turns to the Unanimous team and a discussion of having the ladies on their team leads to a conversation about having to manage Aubrey. Arsenio does a great job of talking about not wanting to shut down her ideas but having to customize managing to handle her mile a minute style. He points out that other players don't operate like that. His example is that Paul will sit quietly and listen and then say one word, but that word is a nugget of gold. Clay says Aubrey's refusal to obey her project manager can be harmful. Sparky agrees.

The Trump prodigies are asked to show the opposing team the box designs and they are tossed over.

Aubrey-tosses-box.jpgAubrey examines the box and tosses it away in disgust

instead of sharing it with her team mates.

Forte is alarmed at how good the Unanimous box is. Clay tells Trump the Forte box is boring. Lisa says the design is very impressive and the quotes are adorable. Aubrey leans over and pipes in that the quotes were written by her and asks Lisa if she's proud of her.

Arsenio-calls-out-Aubrey.jpg"There she goes again, putting the i in team."

Arsenio is pissed that she's saying she wrote all the quotes when she didn't. She tries to manipulate the conversation by first acting confused and then saying she was just trying to tell Lisa how great she did and finally pointing out all the ones she did write. But Arsenio is right, her blanket statement was that she wrote them all, so Arsenio wins the round and manages to shut her up!

Aubrey-bad-eyebrows.jpgWhat is with these women and their horrible painted eyebrows???

Arsenio points out how Aubrey tossed the box away from the team instead of passing it on to others. He says it illustrates how her whole personality is all about her. Trump agrees and says he has seen that too.

VampEric informs Unanimous that the execs loved the concept and the box but didn't care for all the facts and figures. He tells them that no one was motivated to go out and walk after the presentation.

When Sparks asks Aubrey who came up with the concept, she can't remember. This pisses Arsenio off even more, since she is sure to shout to the rooftops when it is her idea. He tells Trump that it is really hard to massage her self-centered ego and work her within a team, instead of just letting her steamroll everything. Trump says he has a lot of respect for Clay and asks if he feels the same way. Clay agrees whole heartedly. He says it was a lot of work massaging Aubrey into the group.

Aubrey starts welling up tears but her defense is to turn to Teresa and say, "Teresa, as far as me being a team player, have I taught you everything you ever asked?"

My God, the Aubradacity! She has no idea how pompous she sounds, and how insulting it is to say that to another grown women with more experience. Even Trump calls her out on that one. She's wiping away the tears now and Trump tells her to stop crying.

Sparky asks Aubrey if she likes Arsenio and she says not after what she's hearing. Arsenio points out that's because he would have to kiss her ass to have her like him.

The general consensus is that if Arsenio's team loses Aubrey will be fired. Sparky seems to agree and it looks like he's already made up his mind who he would fire if they lost. Trump warns Aubrey that people like her often burn and crash and go down with the dogs. He tells her to be very careful.

Dorkus Amongus tells Sparky that for team Forte, the execs loved Lou's testimonial. They hated that Penn said Walmart instead of Walgreens. Penn owns up and admits he was running on one hour of sleep and didn't even realize when he did it. DJ also tells them that the execs did not like all the words in the signage that mentioned negative things like yelling, itching and scratching. When asked who's idea it was, I am surprised when Dee raises his hand. It was Lisa's idea, although he helped feed her the words. Seems to me like he's taking a bullet for Lisa.

Finally, Sparky puts everyone out of their misery and tells them all that Unanimous won.


Arsenio gets all choked up and starts crying. He's completely overwhelmed as he is doing this for the Magic Johnson Foundation but also for his cousin who recently died of AIDS. It's pretty touching how emotional he is right now and Trump is giving him boat loads of props.

Unanimous exits the board room and Aubrey brushes off Teresa's attempts to console her. Aubrey marches away and gets into the elevator!

Aubrey-in-elevator.jpgIs this the last we will see of our diabolical genius?

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Part 3

Of course not. Although she comes on in testimonial and says she doesn't want to work anymore with all the negativity and ugliness (ummmm an evironment she created) and she's not sure this is the right place for her. Bullshit! She won't quit – she's too ambitious for that. She's just not used to being told she isn't the yummiest set of pajamas on the shelf and she's slinking off to lick her wounds. Grow up and get over your dramatic self, brat!

Back in the board room, Lou says he is surprised and he doesn't see how they could have done any better. Remember those words. Lou says he shouldn't be fired just because he was project manager. Once again he informs us all that he gave 110%. Maybe what he needs to give is 125%. He says he made it to all the rehearsals and he was on stage and he kept the mood of the team. That isn't really what project managing is about. Why can't Trump get that Lou doesn't know this?

VampEric finally senses the weakness and asks Lou if it was a good idea to say they couldn't have done any better, since they lost. Lou does a song and dance and says the one who didn't give 110% is Dee. I love that Dorkus Amongus asked, "Who didn't give 110%, if that's even mathematically possible?"

Lou claims Dee was trying to take over and was constantly wooing Dayana. WTF? Did we miss some footage?

Lisa says she would bring back Dayana (of course) and Lou to the boardroom. She says their 110% is her 50%. Can we please ditch the 110% thing? Trump says that means Lisa thinks she's superior to Lou and Dayana. She denies it, but Trump sticks the best dagger in her side by saying in some ways Dayana is superior to her. HAHAHA!

Trump asks his man hunk who he will bring back to the board room and Lou names Dayana and either Penn or Dee. Why would he name Dayana? Does no one remember she saved the presentation? Then Lou decides it will be Dee who comes back. I think he's nuts. Penn made a major mistake saying the wrong name of the company – that could be totally exploited. Lou's not a thinker on his feet.

In Unanimous' war room, they still don't know where Aubrey is. Arenio is still emotional. He's trying to let things go, but he can't quite reign it in. He's still ranting about Aubrey and her arrogance. The more he talks the more he gets worked up.

Arsenio-upset.jpg"Why don't you punch me in the face and ask Teresa how it feels?"

He's having a one sided argument with Aubrey and it is starting to alarm his teammates. Teresa says he looks like a wildcard now and she's shocked at his ranting. She's right that Arsenio seemed really sweet and now he's spouting some serious rage. He predicts Trump would never let her "stank ass" represent The Apprentice.

Arsenio then starts talking about how when he googled Teresa to find out about her, he learned about her show, her culinary pursuits and her fashion background. When he googled Aubrey he found a naked picture of her with a gun. Let me try:

Teresa-family-photo.jpgAubrey-paint-and-ball.jpgI can see what he means.

Teresa wonders how they will be able to move forward from this.

In the lobby, Lou is talking to Amanda. She says she's seen a lot of things out there. Dee is pissed that Lou said he didn't give 110%. Someone please fire Lou so we can all stop saying that.

Amanda-at-desk.jpgWhat do you think she does with her

scratch pad and gold scissors all day?

Dayana, Dee and Lou return to the board room and Trump asks our beauty why people keep calling her back. Dee backs up Dayana when she says she pitched in as best she could and worked hard. Lou says he shouldn't be fired because he did the best he could. I think that reason alone should get him fired. Dee starts mentioning how Lou didn't write or produce but simply approved. Lou approved the writing. Lou approved the design concept. Lou approved the box.

Dee-defends-himself.jpgNot the box! Don't talk about the box, Dee!

Ah, shit. Now they're talking about branding and the box design. Dammit, Dee! He tries to argue that he had the lead on the design but Lou oversaw and approved everything. Dee tells the Trumps that if Lou didn't have a writer he'd be hamstrung because he can't create. He goes on to confess that the men's team used to have "Lou whisperer's", that is, people who could work with Lou and understand he has a limitation. According to Dee the Lou Whisperer's were Clay, Arsenio and Dee.

Luckily the mention of Arenio distracts Sparky and he goes off again on how awesome Arsenio was. Trump says there is no reason for Dayana to be there and that Lou should have brought Penn back to the board room. I think this would have been Penn's last stand if he had come back. Dee tries to explain that Lou is a one note horn and all he can do is perform. Dee points out that he has yet to do performance which is his strongest element, but he's still pitching in and working hard for his team.

Trump points out to Dee that he has a crush on Lou so how dumb is it for Dee to think he would ever fire his beloved boy toy?

Trump-cant-fire-bedmates.jpgI can't fire the two people I fantasize about, Dee.

So I'm sorry. You're fired.

Dammit! Not only does it suck that Lou wasn't sent home, as he should have been. It also sucks because Dee was awesome and I really liked him. Not to mention he was my pick to win the whole thing. But if we think about it, Dee has already won a huge amount for his charity. And since Lou also won a ton of money for his charity already, I think this whole thing was rigged so that a new charity could get some of the money. Who knows who really won that task – that wasn't how they decided the winning team.

Dee-on-elevator.jpgRock on, Dee Snider. We'll miss you!

Dee exits with grace and says good-bye to both Dayana and Lou. That is more than I can say for Debbie who refused to shake hands with Teresa after their board room disaster.

Dee-exits-the-building.jpgYou are a super cool dude, sir.

So what do you all think about this week's episode? I guess I'm now going to pick Clay Aiken to take the title, although Lisa is a serious fighter.

See you all next week.

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Clay's Take, Week 9

Week 9

  • Posted By Clay
  • April 8, 2012 11:00 PM

After last week's drama, it was hard to imagine that this week's episode could rise to the same level of entertainment... but wrong I was!

The show starts off with the "fallout" from the preceding week. Arsenio is still venting about his rift with Aubrey in the Unanimous war room when Lisa walks in and gets upset at him for his name-calling towards Aubrey. It's sorta one of the most ironic moments in my recollection of my time on the show, because almost immediately after yelling at Arsenio for making things personal and calling people names, Lou and Dayana return to the room (allowing us to realize that Dee had been fired). Lisa turned on a dime from chastising Arsenio for name-calling and began right away calling Lou and Dayana "brain-deads" and "losers"... pretty darn funny, if you ask me.

The next day we find out that our task will be to create a commercial for Entertainment.com, the coupon and savings company. When asked for project managers, Unanimous agrees that Teresa may be in the best position to hold the fractious team together. On Forte, before the team can even huddle to decide on the leader, Dayana pipes up and tells Mr. Trump that she will be project manager. This prompts Lisa to give us one of her several gems of the night... "Evita over here decides she is gonna be project manager. Well, I'll cry for you Argentina, because you're gonna lose this task." I'm not sure if that's sorta racist or not, but it was sorta funny.

Aubrey and Arsenio kick-start the task with a "heart to heart" to try to make up from the last week's fight. It's really hard to tell if there is any sincerity from Aubrey during the conversation, but thankfully right after the conversation is over, Aubrey clears up any confusion for us. "Arsenio apologized, but do I like him? No. Will I ever really like him again? Probably not." ...Good to see that conversation worked! :-/ Ha ha.

Over on Forte, Dayana is really taking charge and has decided to show the product as a catalyst moving a relationship forward - using actors to show a couple progressing through their relationship using the savings from the coupons. Dayana certainly is adorable in her interviews, and she really has a grasp on this task. Lisa even chimes in to say that Dayana seems to be a lot more bearable when she is in charge. (I'm not sure if that's because Lisa doesn't wanna piss Dayana off in case they lose and Dayana wants to bring her back to the Boardroom, but if it is... it works for them this week.)

Unanimous decided to use two of the members of the team to portray a father clipping coupons and overhearing something tawdry-sounding in his daughter's bedroom. Using double entendre, we made it seem that something was happening in the room between the daughter and her boyfriend, but when the father busts into the room, he finds that they are just using the Entertainment.com online app.

With Penn gone for the day and Dayana and Lisa clearly in charge of the video shoot, Lou tries desperately to find a purpose for himself. When the task requires fewer hands/minds than are available, sometimes folks get lost. When this happens, in attempts to keep themselves from potentially being fired, the left-out party might end up presenting opinions that really don't fit with the concept or have a place in the project. This happens with Lou. He wasn't really needed for the project, yet he wanted to chime in to feel included and he got ignored. Unfortunately, the one task that Dayana did give to Lou (creating signs and emailing them to the printer), he was unable to do on his own because he wasn't sure of how to use the computer.

Things on Unanimous were far more collegial. Paul had sacrificed himself and allowed us to transform him into a stiff, fatherly figure. It was one of the funniest things I had ever seen. Paul being dressed like a nerd is the equivalent of me being dressed like Marilyn Manson. It's just a complete 180! He was a real sport about it all!

If there was a theme to this episode, it might have been HYPOCRISY!

In addition to Aubrey's feigned attempt at making peace with Arsenio, she also goes after Teresa behind her back in interviews. Though she was supportive of Teresa's directing ability during the shoot, she makes fun of her directing ability in interviews even calling her a "Muppet baby" and saying "people put their hands on her back and tell her what to do and where to go." (Can we talk for a second about how Aubrey is playing for a charity that she says uses her as a spokesperson speaking out against bullying, yet it seems that Aubrey RARELY says anything about anyone else that couldn't be construed as a low blow or bullying itself!?!?!)

Plus... During Forte's editing session, Lou tells Dayana directly that he likes their commercial and that if he didn't love it he would tell her... and then IMMEDIATELY the shot cuts to Lou in interview saying "I didn't like our commercial."

The producers of the show do try to get folks to talk about certain things in these interviews, but they NEVER put words into anyone's mouth. Everyone chooses what to say on his or her own. These two are great examples of why you really have to stay true to what you think and how you feel at all times, because the camera never lies... and if you say one thing at one time and then a different thing later, it will come back to bite you in the butt!

In the Boardroom, the Unanimous team is pretty good at sticking together as a cohesive group and supporting each other.

Forte, on the other hand, has it out for Lou. Dayana stays as classy as possible but admits that Lou is her weak player. Dayana barely needs to say anything because Lisa goes after Lou in her classic Lisa way. When Lou makes a completely classless threat towards Lisa saying "Lisa is lucky she isn't a man because I would throw her through that wall," Lisa responds with the line of the season thus far: "Get ready for an elevator ride, Lou." Ha ha.

When Unanimous wins and Dayana has to choose two people to come back to the Boardroom, I am surprised that she gives Penn a "pass" given that he was absent for so much of the task. But, maybe it was strategic choice. Having Lisa in the Boardroom to support her against Lou was probably a pretty good tactic. I love Lou, but his arguments are barely coherent and really show his desperation to stay in the task. Yet, they don't seem to connect because Mr. Trump doesn't buy them, and he fires Lou. After being fired, Lou makes a desperate plea saying, "Take it back. I don't wanna be fired." I gotta say, it's an interesting tactic, and if Mr. Trump had taken it as determination, I wouldn't have been surprised... But it doesn't work. Lou takes that elevator ride as Lisa predicted!

Next week brings another twist and split that I'm not that happy about! And, if you think you've seen shouting and tears in previous episodes... you ain't seen NOTHING like what happens next week. I think Lisa bursts a blood vessel, and Dayana is even hotter when she cries!!

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Celebrity Apprentice Recap: The Mouth That Roared

Episode 08 | Aired Apr 8, 2012

'The Celebrity Apprentice' recap: The Mouth That Roared

Lisa's not happy. And she's going to let you know about it. Especially if your name is Lou Ferrigno.

By Dalton Ross | Published Apr 9, 2012

Prepare yourself, ladies and gentlemen. Strap yourself in good and tight, because I am about to lay on you the greatest quote in Celebrity Apprentice history. Now, I know what you're thinking: Impossible! Better than an entire season full of Buseyisms? Better. Better than the "whore pit vipers" escapade of 2009? Better. Better than Rod Blagojevich butchering the names of every single Harry Potter character? Sooooo much better. I'm not going to even set the scene or offer any sort of context at all. The quote is just that good. And with that, I present to you…Miss Aubrey O'Day.

"Teresa thinks that everybody is great friends and that they all love her, but the second that we lose, Clay and Arsenio will start the gang-bang on her and she'll get to see what I went through the other night."

Ummm…no, wait, I need a minute to digest that. Okay…nope, still not ready. Thought I was, but I wasn't. Give me another minute. [Deep breath] So, let's focus on the last part of that sentence, shall we? "Clay and Arsenio will start the gang-bang on her and she'll get to see what I went through the other night."

START THE GANG-BANG ON HER?!? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, did Lisa Lampanelli just take a side-job as network censor? How the hell does that make it past the standards and practices department and onto network television? Again, "Clay and Arsenio will start the gang-bang on her." Does Teresa's husband Joe know that Clay and Arsenio are about to start the gang-bang on her? Is he cool with that? Is he part of it? And is that really what Aubrey "went through the other night?" If so, how did that not make the show? So many questions!

I have so much more to say on this topic but I honestly don't know how to comment any further without either getting fired or blowing up the internet, so I'm just going to sit here in silent awe for awhile…………. Okay, I'm ready to move on, but it also should be noted that I certainly wouldn't put it past Celebrity Apprentice to stage a spin-off series: Celebrity Gang-Bang. Hey, what's the big deal? It's for charity!

But this truly odd choice of words was just one of many shockingly saucy moments from last night's Celebrity Apprentice. No, you were not dreaming when you heard Teresa Giudice tell Clay Aiken to "Come over here, honey and get behind me" and Clay respond with "Here, take it in your hand." You weren't dreaming — you were having a nightmare! And if I weren't already so mentally scarred by the Teresa/Clay/Arsenio threesome, I would no doubt be extremely troubled by Aubrey cooing "Daddy!" at Paul and Paul immediately bringing up the topic of spanking. What-in–the-name-of-a-strongly-worded-Human-Resources-sensitivity-training-memo is going on here? Gang bangs? Role playing? Spanking? Just another season of Celebrity Apprentice, baby! Here are the five other best things from last night's episode.

1. Lisa Vs. Arsenio

You knew things would not be all happy-happy-joy-joy when Lisa met up with Arsenio after he brutalized Aubrey in the Boardroom. Maybe Arsenio figured he could hide from her by pulling a Corey Hart and wearing his sunglasses at night, but he was wrong. In a fantastic display, you had Lisa on one side of the room telling Teresa that the men on her team were "little bitches" while Arsenio was on the other side of the room telling Paul that Aubrey was a "bitch" and a "whore." Damn, who isn't a bitch on this show? Not Lisa Lampanelli apparently. "You're going straight for bitch and whore?" she confronted Arsenio. "Really? You better hope I'm never on your team because if anybody calls me a bitch or whore they're gonna have way more problems when they f---ing do it."

I'm not going to sit here and defend any man calling a woman names like bitch and whore, but Arsenio does have a point when he says that "Lisa Lampanelli is the last human being on the planet that can tell me what language I should use when I'm angry. That's the pot calling the kettle black." Actually, bitch and whore are probably the tamest words to ever come out of Lisa's act. But Lisa is on to something when she says "And don't ruin your f---ing image and your f---ing career. You'll be bitching and whoring and every woman in America is going to f---ing hate you." Arsenio is no shock comic. He's always been of the Jay Leno nice guy variety, so to make like Dice Clay — another former Celebrity Apprentice contestant, I might add — probably isn't doing him any favors.

I was ready to call this one a draw, but then Lou and Dayana showed up, and Lisa started yelling at them! After informing the not-so-dynamic duo they had five brain cells between them, she told them how she really felt about one of them not being fired instead of Dee Snider. "That was f---ed up, Lou. I don't give a s--- how bad you feel. That was f---ed up, And you were not an effective leader, and you had no ideas so you're both f---ing useless." We can only assume that Lisa then went out and called Amanda the receptionist a "f---ing bulls--- excuse of a receptionist that doesn't even have a f---ing computer," and accosted Adrian the elevator operator for "looking like a motherf---ing doofus when those s---head losers have to take a ride down to their god--- car."

2. Easy Come, Even Easier To Go

The teams were instructed this week to create a 60 second advertisement for Entertainment.com while also attempting to guess how many bottles of Erik Trump's hair gel Don Jr. stole for the episode. But leave it to magician Penn Jillette to find another way to disappear. One task after bolting halfway through for Canada, Penn ditched the team again for another gig. Said Lou Ferrigno, "You don't leave, run off to do a job, and come back the next morning." I love you, Lou, but you could not be more wrong! This is Celebrity Apprentice! In fact, I would say you are not only allowed to take off whenever you want, you are practically encouraged to do so. Because nobody ever gets fired for missing a task!

"Do you think Penn should get a pass for being gone?" asked Trump in the Boardroom. Of course he should get a pass! Everyone gets a pass! (At least everyone without the last name Kardashian.) I've said it before and I'll say it again: If I were a contestant my strategy would be to skip every single project until the final. Then I'd come up with some sort of awesome beverage campaign, win the title, and make out with Ivanka Trump right there on the Boardroom table. She simply wouldn't be able to resist the air of mystery I would have cultivated with all my absences.

3. The Kinder, Gentler Paul Teutul Sr.

For their ad, team Unanimous decided to shoot a porno starring Aubrey O'Day. Well, that's not entirely accurate. It was just supposed to sound like a porno. (Maybe I got confused by Arsenio repeatedly referring to the star of the ad as a "whore.") Anyhoo, Aubrey and some actor dude were going to be talking very suggestively with each other while really referring to the joy and ecstasy of Entertainment.com. Playing the conservative, protective dad in this skit was none other than Paul. Problem: With his tattoos and crazy mustache, Paul doesn't look very conservative. Solution: Dress Paul like a dork, cover his tattoos, and color his crazy mustache.

Honestly, I didn't get the reason for coloring Paul's facial and head hair a reddish auburn hue, and then it hit me. Paul must be a Claymate!!! He wants to be Aiken! People always want to pigeonhole Clay's fans as being of the female variety, but who's to say Paul Teutul Sr. doesn't blare a little "Bridge Over Troubled Water" in the shop while working on his big hogs. Clay Aiken jumps all genres, bounds over all borders. His voice is infectious, his charisma irresistible. Who can blame Paul for falling under Clay's spell? He was not the first. Nor will he be the last. Of course, Paul has his street cred to maintain, so he claims he is more Clark Griswald than Clay Aiken in his new get-up, but unless he has a Family Truckster parked outside, I remain dubious.

Unanimous' ad is definitely a bit risqué, and Aubrey was absolutely right that they should have taken out the words "old fashioned," but it at least was more entertaining than watching team Forte literally act out the lyrics to the "Sitting in a Tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G" song (first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes some dork talking about saving money on a baby carriage).

4. Lisa Vs. Lou

Don't make the Hulk angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. Actually, I'm pretty sure Lisa Lampanelli doesn't like Lou Ferrigno no matter what mood he is in. But Lou was not going to take it anymore, and in the Boardroom he finally decided to throw down. "Lisa is lucky to not be a man tonight because I would throw her right through that wall," he told Trump. Whether he was insinuating that Lisa is a man on other nights is somewhat unclear, but Lou was definitely pissed. Why, you ask? "You called me a f---ing loser. Take it back. You're very negative. Nobody calls Lou Ferrigno a loser." I don't know, didn't Arnold Schwarzenegger basically call you a loser throughout the entirety of Pumping Iron? I mean, wasn't that what that entire documentary was about? At least that's what I took away from it. But I digress.

Perhaps the greatest part of this confrontation was Trump's claim of "Lisa, I'll protect you…I think." Yeah. I think not. Unless he's planning to use Don Jr's hair gel as rock hard protective shield, there's really nothing Trump can do if Ferrigno wants to go all Hulk and stuff. Eventually Lou just started yelling bulls--- a whole lot until Trump told them their team lost the task.

Upon hearing this news, Lou and Lisa adjourned to the lobby for more arguing, and then back to the Boardroom for round 3. At this point you had to admire Lisa's stamina if nothing else. I mean, yelling at that many people for such an extended period of time has to take a toll, but this woman was committed. In fact, I dare say she committed to her verbal abuse 110…no, I'd even go as high as 137%! Lou's simply no match for her in the trash talking department, which Lisa made clear when she went on to accuse him of using his hearing loss as an excuse when convenient. "He uses the hearing as an excuse when he needs it," Lisa claimed. "And he says don't focus on my hearing when he doesn't need it, sir. It's absolutely manipulation." Hey, Donald Trump will be the only person to manipulate things in the Boardroom, thank you very much. For I have never seen a man manipulate logic, reason, and consistency with more skill and aplomb when it comes to firing people than Mr. Trump.

5. How Dare You Answer Questions Honestly in the Boardroom!

As soon as Lou talked about giving 100% in the challenge, I knew it was over. You can't brag week in and week out about giving 110% and then suddenly lollygag in there with a mere 100%. Seriously, only 100%? That's pathetic. Sure, Ferrigno realized his mistake and almost immediately corrected himself, claiming to have actually given 110%, but that simple slip of the tongue threw his entire percentile chart into doubt. I mean, who's to say this guy ever gave 110%? It's like I don't even know who you are anymore, Lou.

But the one thing that I can't help but find hilarious about Lou's firing is that he got fired for the very thing that Trump repeatedly insists you do —tell the truth. How many times did the Trumpster say that he always wants everyone to be honest? But then he fires Lou for being "disloyal" in answering DT's question truthfully as to which team created the better commercial. Lou said Unanimous did, and got fired for it. (Even though Lisa and Dayana have now lost a remarkable 7 out of 9 tasks. 7 out of 9! They are officially the Charlotte Bobcats of celebrity reality shows!)

Even Don. Jr. — no doubt inspired by the potty mouths of Lisa and Lou — couldn't help cursing when he pointed out that ""he did give him his real opinion instead of bulls---." LANGUAGE, DON JR! Moral of the story: Speak only bulls--- in the Boardroom. But if you were vacillating between bored, amused, and annoyed by Lou Ferrigno this season, he made up for it all by how he reacted to being fired: "Take it back. I don't want to be fired." Take it back! How genius is that? That sounds like something you'd bust out on the playground after some kid accused you of having cooties. Take it back! Amazing. And even more amazing was Trump's reply: "Lou, there's nothing I can do." Oh, really? I believe La Toya Jackson would beg to differ. You fired her, she said she wanted to come back, and you let her for absolutely no reason whatsoever. God, I love this show. Okay, before we finish up, it's time for this week's quick hits.


• What is it about Celebrity Apprentice contestants that make them so allergic to technology. Rod Blagojevich was completely flummoxed by a laptop and even treated his cell phone as some sort of futuristic device from outer space meant to confound and perplex poor ordinary humans. And now Lou Ferrigno can't even send an email. It's an email! Okay, maybe with an attachment, but still — an email!

• Aubrey did not completely escape ridicule in the Boardroom this week. Clay's comment that Teresa is "probably the nicest woman on this side of the table" was telling considering there was only one other woman on that side of the table — Aubrey. And Ms. Ronald McDonald even got a stern talking to from Boardroom Dominatrix Ivanka: "You are very polarizing in a certain way. You tend to speak more often than the person that should be speaking and that's the type of thing that really alienates the rest of your team."

• I've been trying all season to figure out who shoves more black shoe polish in their hair — Lou or Penn — and it has just been too damn close to call. My only suggestion to both of them would be to combine their purchase and buy in bulk. Just imagine the savings!

• Penn did, however, show remarkable self-awareness when he rebuffed Trump's suggestion that he should have been the one hitting on the young woman in the ad. "I consider myself to be too old for that," Penn replied. "For a young woman?" answered Trump. "I agree I think you're much too old for a young woman. I hate those people." Say what you will about Donald Trump, but the guy has no problem poking fun at himself. Although perhaps there is a limit. After Lisa commented that "I actually think it would have been kind of creepy to have someone who's 56-years-old with a 20-year-old girl in this context," Don Jr. mock fired her for such a scandalous outburst.

• One final note about Lou's departure. Love the way he shook the doorman's hand on the way out. Now that's 110% class.

Enough of my rambling. Now it's your turn. Stunned that Lisa and Dayana are still standing after having lost 7 out 9 projects? Think contestants should still be allowed to take off and leave tasks as they please? Care to weigh in on Paul's new look? The message boards are now open for business. And for more Celebrity Apprentice inanity and insanity, follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Until next week: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!

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"Celebrity Apprentice" Recap: Extreme Couponing

'Celebrity Apprentice' Recap: Extreme Couponing

Tough guys stripped of their diginity

By Dan Hyman April 9, 2012 9:35 AM ET

Remember a few weeks back when we unequivocally believed that both teams loved the hell out of each other? Yeah, well, how quickly things can change, especially when you're dealing with self-obsessed semi-celebs. When we left off, Arsenio Hall had just gone batshit crazy on Aubrey O'Day in the board room. This caused her to storm off, putting her future on the show in jeopardy.

When we resume this week, Hall is still fuming. And he's pulling no verbal punches. "I've had to suck it all up and let a bitch treat me like shit," he yells to his teammates and anyone else who's willing to listen. "Fuck that whore!" Whoa! Take it easy there, buddy! It's just an overrated reality show.

Of course, Lisa Lampanelli is having none of this. She berates Hall and says he better lay off that sort of misogynistic language. Her anger is only further exacerbated when Dayana Mendoza and Lou Ferrigno return from the board room – Lampanelli knows she's now stuck with the two of them. "You're both fucking useless," she says. (Side note: Paul Teutul Sr., the unsung hero of this season, is seen munching on strawberries amid all the chaos.)

After Hall informs Magic Johnson (via video-chat) that he's won $50K for the former basketball star and new L.A. Dodger owner's charity, the contestants appear before Mr. Trump to receive their next task. But wait? Who is that redheaded creature? Ah, yes. It's Aubrey O'Day. It seems she's put her tiff with Hall behind her for charity.

This week's task? Both teams must create a 60-second commercial promoting Entertainment.com (it's that company that makes those coupon books your mom loves). Without consulting her team, Mendoza volunteers to be project manager; Teresa Giudice, with her team's approval, will lead the other squad.

Both teams start brainstorming. Giudice's team decides to go with a commercial that plays off – what else? – sex. Essentially, the premise of the spot will be that a dad, Teutul Sr. – easily capturing the episode by losing the tough-guy shtick and dressing like the suburban stiff most men aged 20-30 will soon become: parted hair, bright green sweater, Hair Club for Men-dyed mustache, etc. – thinks he hears his daughter (O'Day) and her boyfriend (randomly-hired actor dude) going at it in her bedroom. Really, though, they're just checking out Entertainment.com's new mobile app. (Very believable, indeed.) In the commercial, O'Day utters such lovely lines as "Here, take it in your hand" and "So you just have to move your hand up and down?" So, at least there's that.

The other team, led by Mendoza, learns they'll be undermanned; Penn Jillette has to leave later in the day for a magic gig. Lampanelli is pissed. Mendoza's team decides to go with a commercial centered on a relationship fueled by a couple's love of Entertainment.com (this is weird, creepy and amazing all at once). Ferrigno is upset that the team wants to use hired actors instead of their team members. After all, isn't he qualified to act? I mean, c'mon guys, this is THE Hulk. His team couldn't care less. They view Ferrigno as a walking cinder block.

Back on the sex-commercial team's side, things are going smoothly, although O'Day does steal the spotlight when project consultant Ivanka Trump pays a visit. Nonetheless O'Day, per usual, has fun criticizing others: she finds Giudice's directorial skills amusingly awful. "Watching Teresa direct is painful," she says, referring to her project manager as a "puppet baby."

After filming is complete, Clay Aiken and Hall hit the editing room; O'Day soon comes in and offers last-minute suggestions for change. Aiken concisely sums up her position. "Aubrey's biggest talent is covering her ass," the ginger-mopped singer says.

Now sans Jillette, Mendoza's team starts shooting their commercial. Shockingly, Lampanelli is jelling with Mendoza, her usual nemesis. "Maybe Dayana is more than a pretty face," Lampanelli admits. Ferrigno, perpetually in the shadows, tries to offer some directorial suggestions to Mendoza, who quickly dismisses him. This prompts Ferrigno, now feeling slighted, to say he doesn't like the commercial.

Both teams present their ads to the Entertainment.com executives and then head to the board room. Mendoza's team – especially Lampanelli – feel Ferrigno was as effective as a rotting corpse. "Get ready for an elevator ride, Lou," Lampanelli says. Ferrigno doesn't like this . . . at all. "If you were a man, I would have thrown you through a window," he says. Umm, Lou. Probably not the right thing to say on network TV, buddy.

Teresa's team is much more lovey-dovey. Although eventually the truth comes out that Giudice felt O'Day, as ever, overstepped her role. "You are very polarizing," Ivanka Trump says to O'Day. Trump plays both teams' videos for the other to see. Ferrigno, when asked what he thought of the other team's video, admits he likes it better. Oh, snap! Lampanelli is now calling him Benedict Arnold. Hell, even Trump thinks Ferrigno should have just shut his yap and stuck by his team's side.

So who won? Teresa's team. Apparently, the Entertainment.com execs think Mendoza's team's commercial was a bit bland.

Mendoza decides to give Jillette a free pass and Trump excuses him from the board room. With only Mendoza, Lampanelli and Ferrigno left, all signs point to Ferrigno getting the ax. "I don't think he has much to add other than brawn," Lampanelli says, refraining from further tearing him a new one. Ferrigno, as always, says he gave "110 percent" (where exactly does that extra 10 percent come from, Lou?). But feeling that Ferrigno was disloyal to his team in the board room, Trump has no choice but to let him go. Lou is fired. But wait? Ferrigno begs Trump to change his mind. Nope. Lou's gone. Nice try.

With the contestants gone, Donald Trump Jr. turns to his father to state his agreement with daddy's decision. "We all heard from you growing up that loyalty is everything," Trump Jr. says. Trump? Loyalty? What a show!

NEXT WEEK: Hold on! It's the toughest task EVER! Oh, never mind: it's a puppet show. On the bright side, Lisa is still going apeshit.

Read more: http://www.rollingst...9#ixzz1rZIQbg9Q

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Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings: Dayana and Lisa Become BFFs

Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings: Dayana And Lisa Become BFFs


Jessica Grabert and Mack Rawdenpublished: 2012-04-09 16:19:05


Generally, when a Celebrity Apprentice episode begins on a low note, it will devolve into a downhill spiral of egos clashing throughout its two hours. So, when Arsenio started out the episode completely out of control, freaking out and calling Aubrey a bitch and a whore in one breath, it seemed like we were headed for trouble. Especially after Lisa took the bait, yelling back at Arsenio and later calling Dayana and Lou stupid. It seemed like it was really poor form last week when Aubrey avoided the boardroom aftermath to relax in her hotel, but now audiences have been privy to what went down, it's difficult to fault the lady.

Then the inevitable team rally happened and everyone headed to the next task pretending to be friendly, at least for the sake of entertainment.com executives, who hired both teams to create a commercial explaining the website's annual savings membership. Shockingly, the team's made the decision to accomplish the task with little drama and got to work. It helped that Aubrey and Arsenio massaged their wounded egos somewhere in there.

Penn had to leave early again this week, which was unfortunate, since he is a key player on a team that was already down one member after Dee was fired last week. Dayana took the lead as project manager, leaving Lou and Lisa as her only worker bees when the commercial needed editing. Between the team's cutesy early romance theme and Penn's departure, the second team chose to use actors rather than their own star power.

With Teresa taking the helm for the other team including Paul, Aubrey, Arsenio, and Clay things got underway fairly quickly. Teresa may not be the sharpest player, but her primary skill is organizing stuff and putting Paul Sr. into grandpa clothing and decorating a "house" set for her commercial was right in the Real Housewives' wheelhouse. The team ended up using a risky double entendre theme to promote the website…and it ended up paying off.

Back in the boardroom, Lou said he would slam Lisa into a wall if she weren't a woman. Lisa wasn't taking any of that and they went at it like two cats scrabbling for the same mouse. Trump headed this off by announcing the teams were very close, but Teresa's leadership took the cake. Dayana looked bewildered, but gave Lisa and Lou the chance to duke it out and then sat back and enjoyed the show. Eventually Lou was fired, partially because he did not really contribute and partially because he blatantly told Trump he liked the other team's video better. Loyalty first.

The Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings are an ordered compilation of weekly lists put together by TV Blend writers Jessica Grabert and Mack Rawden. Each week after viewing the episode, they each rank the competitors in order. Seventeen points are given for a first place vote, and this week, ten were given for a last place vote. Ten competitors have already been eliminated; therefore, those people automatically occupy the bottom slots. Here is how this week's voting panned out, complete with analysis on how the celebrities might fare moving forward.


The Favorites

#1) Penn Jillette (33): If there was ever any question as to how Penn's teammates perceive his value, Dayana choosing not to bring him back to the boardroom and Lisa being okay with her decision cleared that up. As usual, the magician was an effective brainstormer during the task, did some script writing and generally pointed his team in the right direction before taking off to do a show. He was back by the next morning, but another mid-task departure coupled with a loss could land him on the chopping block.

#1) Clay Aiken (33): Clay was a fundamental part of the editing of the video this week and mostly did an outstanding job as a key player on Teresa's team. His one flub was possibly letting that "old-fashioned" line slide, but hey, the team won and bygones should be bygones. His affable nature and willingness to tell it like it is should serve him well in upcoming tasks. He's tied for the lead this week, but perhaps a second stint as project manager would change that.

#3) Aubrey O'Day (30): There was a good 25% chance Aubrey had walked off the set after last week, but she really does not seem like the type to throw a hissy fit and quit. A true villain will go out in flames and if Aubrey does not make it to the final task, we expect her final episode to be one hell of an insult-throwing ride, although I'm uncertain anything can beat Aubrey referring to Teresa as a "Muppet Baby" during this week's challenge. She did get a warning about her excessive talking from Ivanka this week, so let's see if she manages to take the advice to heart in the upcoming tasks.

#4) Paul Teutul Sr. (28): Paul is a good dude. For the benefit of the team, he slapped on some dweeby clothes, combed his hair and pretended Aubrey was his daughter. His teammates, project manager and the executives raved about his playing against character, and as usual, he handled himself admirably and effectively in the boardroom. I'm not convinced he quite has the rapid-fire creatively often needed to win, but regardless of what happens from this point forward, he's proven himself as a capable leader and a loyal team member.


The Contenders

#5) Lisa Lampanelli (25): Lisa is a key member on her team. She is a creative force and a hardworking teammate on Celebrity Apprentice; however, she is also the first person to freak out and yell at her teammates over something that may not be worth the fight. As the team's dwindle that could increasingly put her in the spotlight for the wrong reasons. Secondly, Lisa has been the only contestant who has not brought in a little money for her charity for several weeks now. She needs to step her game up, and step it up fast before that cat is let outta the bag.

#6) Dayana Mendoza (24): As Lisa pointed out numerous times in the boardroom, Dayana stepped up this episode. She took on project manager without even consulting her teammates and delegated responsibilities well with an eye toward organization. She proved more in the loss than she did during her win as project manager. Now if she could just manage to be this useful during tasks where others are in charge, she might vault from solid player into real threat.

#7) Arsenio Hall (23): Apart from the voice over, Arsenio didn't do a whole lot this week; however, it is worth noting he stepped up and cleared the air with Aubrey. The two probably won't ever be best friends, but at least the path became clear enough for everyone to work in peace. Given his aggressive outburst last week, I'm still not convinced he's detached enough to win, but if I was hiring people to work at a company, I'd definitely give him an interview.

#8) Teresa Giudice (20): Poor Teresa even managed to win her task this week, but she is still at the bottom of these rankings. To her credit, if Lou hadn't been sent home, I'm guessing he would have panned out lower. The problem with Teresa is not her willingness to work. It's just that she is easily overrun by louder mouths and bigger idea machines. I'm happy she won some money for her charity because she seems like a nice person, but I also can't imagine what she can contribute moving forward, unless somebody needs something decorated.

Here's a look at how the ballots shook out…


Clay Aiken (17)

Penn Jillette (16)

Aubrey O'Day (15)

Paul Teutul Sr. (14)

Dayana Mendoza (13)

Lisa Lampanelli (12)

Arsenio Hall (11)

Teresa Giudice (10)


Penn Jillette (17)

Clay Aiken (16)

Aubrey O'Day (15)

Paul Teutul Sr (14)

Lisa Lampanelli (13)

Arsenio Hall (12)

Dayana Mendoza (11)

Teresa Giudice (10)

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Celebrity Apprentice Recap: The Bleepisode

Celebrity Apprentice Recap: The Bleepisode.

Greetings Gasmii! This week had a bunch of "it's about time!" moments, didn't it? Things took an interesting turn and all I can say is thank you God I never have to talk about 110% again!

So let's jump right into our 8th week of Trump torture and pull some more teeth, shall we?

Things start back up inside the Unanimous War room, where Arsenio is calming down from his Aubrey rant. As he deescalates, Lisa and Penn return to wait with them to see who has been eliminated.

Lisa queries as to where Aubrey is, then whispers to Teresa to be careful. She warns the men are "little bitches" who can't handle a female who is smarter than them (she means Aubrey, not Teresa).

Uh-oh. Arsenio is telling Penn about why the win meant so much to him and he's going over the whole death of his cousin again. This reminds him of how hard he had to fight for the win and struggle against Aubrey's attempts to seem like the team leader. Which in turn, gets him all riled up again.

Suddenly he's like one of those drunks who shouts at a park bench full of imaginary foes.

Arsenio-F-that-whore.jpgF*&% that whore!

That's enough to get Lisa's angry eyes bulging. She tells Arsenio he better be glad she's not on his team because if anyone called her a bitch or a whore they'd have a lot more problems doing it.

Lisa-shouts-at-the-bitches.jpgI'm the only one who can call people a whore or a bitch around here!

Arsenio-defends-himself.jpgShe was a *%&$ing bitch to me, Lisa!

Lisa-all-women-will-hate-you.jpgNow every f*&%ing bitch and whore in America is going to f&*%ing hate you!

We interrupt this regularly scheduled bleep fest to send a shout out to the wardrobe department:

Lisa-needs-a-new-bra.jpgCan we get a smoothing bra on set – STAT???

Suddenly Dayana returns from the board room looking AH-MAZE-ING in the following dress:

Dayana-resiliant.jpgThis be my resilient Venezuelan beauty.

There is a dramatic pause while everyone waits to see who else returns and the shocked silence at Lou emerging from the hall is best described by Penn.


Lisa loses it. She tells Lou she doesn't care how bad he feels, he was not an effective leader and it was f-ed up that Dee got sent home. She tells Dayana she had no ideas and declares them both f*&%ing useless. Lisa mutters to herself that she has two *bleeped out* brain deads on her team. Great. She's stood up and sat down twice already since arriving, so I guess her workout for the day is done as she stands up one last time and instructs Penn to get a lot of sleep, since he'll be doing 50% of the team's work with her.

Paul-eats-a-strawberry.jpgEveryone is traumatized by the negativity.

Lou does his usual face twitches and then tells us that he will not stand for Lisa calling him a f*&%^ing loser. Actually, she didn't call him that. She called him f*&%ing useless. I wonder if that is better?

The next day, Arsenio skypes Magic Johnson to tell him about the money he won for the Magic Johnson Foundation. Arsenio tells Magic about his cousin's death and says if she had had an opportunity to be tested in Cleveland, maybe she'd still be alive today. Magic feels Arsenio's pain.

Magic-deep-soul.jpgThis is a man with a deep soul. And a baseball team.

And a few restaurants, not to mention some gyms,

movie theaters and Starbucks franchises.

After announcing he was HIV+ in 1991 and not only remaining AIDS free for the last 21 years, but managing to create an economic empire, the man truly has proven his magic on and off the court. How does he do it?

Majic-J-stoned.jpgMy theory: a little marijuana a day keeps the immunity suppression away.

It would appear Arsenio and Magic are tight, as Arsenio refers to him as Earvin, rather than the name he is more famous for. Magic appears to be very appreciative. Arsenio tells us the foundation is starting a new program to bring free discreet mobile testing to inner city areas where people might not be able to afford to be tested. He's happy to be able to contribute.

Magic-happy-to-accept.jpgAnd Magic is happy to accept.

How can you not love that smile?

I'm all mushy and giggly with both of these boys radiating their gorgeous smiles that can't help but brighten your day. Plus they're playing manipulative music to be sure I'm feeling the love right now. It seems to be affecting Arsenio too, because now he's saying maybe he didn't handle things that well with Aubrey, but he's going to put it all behind him and focus on his charity.

The teams assemble and guess who is still in the game.


Aubrey has decided to spin the whole episode and claim she was being bullied and now she's going to tough it out and fight for her charity, which is about bullying. She's a genius, but she's also nuts. She wasn't bullied – she was called out on the carpet for true actions that disrupted the balance – it is a very different thing! In fact, I think it's terrible that she now claims she's being bullied, when she admitted in the last task that she was not being sensitive to Arsenio's desire to have a different picture be used. If we go back and re-watch that episode (but why would we ever?), I think it was her doing all the pushing around! She's a diabolical hypocrite!

This week, the teams have to make a commercial for Entertainment.com to illustrate their new on-line memberships and mobile coupons. Blah blah blah, who cares.

Ivanka-hot.jpgIvanka is looking particularly lively and fetching.

DJ-dork.jpgDorkus Amongus…. meh.

Dayana immediately tells Sparky she will be the Forte project manager without consulting with her team first. I like that she's grabbing the bull by the horns, since her team never gives her the time of day. I think this is a smart move, since she lost one of her only two advocates when Dee was sent home.

Unanimous does huddle up and it is decided that Teresa will be their project manager. I've got a bad feeling about that one. She tells us she wants to win some money for her charity, since she lost the last task by $14.00. Not really. You lost by $35,014, sweetheart. Anyway, she's worried because she says Arsenio and Aubrey are like a ticking time bomb and could go off at any moment.

For some reason, Sparks is lowering his reward to twenty thousand dollars, but thankfully, Entertainment.com ups the stakes with an additional forty. Why the arbitrary amounts rewarded by the Donster?

Aubrey and Arsenio decide to hash out their differences. Aubrey says she heard what he said about her and the words hurt her feelings and she's upset that he would think those things of her. I'll grant her the words were hurtful, but never in what we see of the conversation does she address her inappropriate behavior which brought them to that point. I think perhaps our little genius just can't see beyond herself, since it's all about Aubrey, as her show was so aptly named. Anyway, Arsenio acknowledges that he was angry and he never intended to hurt her. For that he apologizes, which she seems to accept. It irritates me that she tells him she grew up watching his show and loving him. Didn't she tells us before that she never really watched his show?

In the Forte war room, Penn informs the team that he won't be around after 4 pm because he has to do a show.

Lisa-no-penn.jpgLisa imagines a world where she is left alone with Lou and Dayana.

She tells us she's mad because Lou and Dayana don't have a brain cell between them. This is an alarming turn of events, since she previously stated they had 5 brain cells between them.

Lou-no-brain-cells.jpgWho is leaking do you think?

Dayana proposes an idea to touch the heart; a realistic scenario where a couple uses the coupon for each of the phases of their love life. The team decides to get behind the idea. Surprisingly, Lisa seems quiet and acquiescent.

In Unanimous, the team is throwing around ideas and Aubrey is also surprising me.

Aubrey-mouth-shut.jpgHer mouth is shut.

Clay starts talking about his grandfather clipping coupons every Sunday and Arsenio suggests they could get Paul to play that part in their commercial. They ask Paul if he would be willing to dowdy himself up for the commercial and he agrees.

Paul-not-cranky.jpgHe's not as cranky as he seems.

And the guy on the show is much more lovable than the guy I've seen screaming at his kids on his own show.

The Forte team is now riding in a van and hashing out their plot line.

Penn-red-fingernail.jpgDoes anyone know about this?

So here's a shocking turn of events. Lisa thinks their idea is adorable. Holy kamoly has hell frozen over? What isn't surprising is that Lou sits resentfully in the van, because despite the fact that he is now 60 years old, he thinks he could have played the young man wooing the young woman (who he wants to be Dayana) in their commercial.

Lou-delusional.jpgDelusional much?

Lou tells us the team is full of shit and should be using star power. Dayana asks Lou if he will take care of banners for the presentation. Remember that.

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Part 2

At Unanimous, they are in their shooting space and drafting their script. It sounds pretty racy.

Unanimous-racy.jpgAt least they are amusing themselves.

Forte is also working on their script. As Lisa tweaks Penn's dialogue, she acknowledges she's an expert at what a desperate woman will say to try to get a date. In testimonial, she tells us that Dayana is less annoying as the project manager because the pretty girl will defer to others area of expertise. Lisa continues that when Dayana isn't in charge she tries to squeeze in ideas like an annoying kid.

Lisa-liking-Dayana.jpgWhat Lisa doesn't admit to is that Dayana came up with their present idea, which she likes.

They are ready to start shooting and Dayana definitely seems to be in charge. Penn comes on to tell us that Lisa and Dayana are listening to each other and speaking respectfully and it's as close to a miracle that an athiest like him has ever seen.

Lou wants them to do some more shots from different angles, but Dayana says they don't have time for that. Lou is very concerned. Other than Lou's worries, things seem to be going very well with the Forte shoot.

Lisa-laughs.jpgIt's so nice to see Lisa in a different light for once.

At Unanimous, they are preparing to start shooting. Teresa tells Paul it"s time to go into hair and makeup. She explains to the makeup artist that they want to make him look all fuddy duddy.

Make-up-artist-dubious.jpgYou want to un-do all that coolness???

P.S. Why is this girl behind the camera? I think she's interesting and beautiful!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Wilford-Brimley.jpgIt's Wilford Brimley!

Paul-on-PBS.jpgHosting the BBC's Playhouse Theatre

Paul-having-fun.jpgPaul's having a great time.

Well, she's been laying low and being quiet, but of course, Aubrey can't contain herself. As Teresa is directing, she giddily turns to Aubrey just after she says action and laughs about the fact that she's calling the shots. Aubrey reeks of condescension.

Aubrey-condescending.jpgTeresa is so naive and cute. She thinks she's a director because she said action.

She then goes on to refer to Teresa as a muppet baby. Whew! For a minute I thought our diabolical genius had been silenced for good from the last traumatic board room. Nice to see her coming around.

Forte is wrapping up their shooting. It seems like a cute story, although the male they cast is sort of dumpy looking.

Forte-cast.jpgSeriously, this is the best man they could find for the part?

Dayana-loves-it.jpgDayana loves it, though.

As they are prepping for the next shot, Dayana tells Penn and Lisa that she's very happy with what they are doing. Lisa agrees. Dayana tells them they wrote a good script and Penn expresses his appreciation. Lou sits and stews because he didn't get to act in the commercial. He says he can play a young man perfectly.

Penn has to go and he comes to tell Lou directly. After a few ear wiggles, Lou comes on to tell us it is wrong of Penn to be leaving and not fighting for his charity. Personally I think Penn is to be admired that he's killing himself here for his charity and still meeting his performance obligations. I haven't heard him complain once and this has to be at least the second time he'll be operating on very few hours of sleep.

DJ comes to visit and the group tells him things are going well. He observes Dayana running the show and he acknowledges she may have done a very smart thing by assigning creative to Penn and Lisa early on. If she wins, it's all great and if she doesn't she's got places she can point fingers.

At Unanimous, they are now shooting Aubrey's scenes (she's playing Paul's daughter in the commercial). Clay tells us that the confrontation between Arsenio and Aubrey may have been exactly what they needed, as Aubrey has meshed into the group this week. Thankfully, he's smart enough to understand that Aubrey is a loose canyon and she can't be counted on to remain cooperative.

Arsenio appears to have a minor injury, which I find very distracting.

Arsenio-flesh-bandaid1.jpgIt's 2012. Do we still need the Flesh Band aid rant? (RIP George Carlin)

Ivanka comes to check on the team and she must have had a really good meal recently. Because she's lively and not at all animatronic.

Ivanka-comes-alive.jpgShe loves Paul's look and says it was the highlight of her week.

She also secretly suspects he really is a dweeb at home.

She asks the team how things are going between Aubrey and Arsenio. He tells her that he wishes there could have been another way to get to where they are now, but right now things are perfect. And just as he finishes that statement and Teresa starts trying to explain the concept, our little bright eyes can't stand being left out of the conversation.

Aubrey-demands-attention.jpgIvanka, you should pay attention to me, because I'm an only child

and extremely special and really there is no one else who can blow

as much brilliant bull shit up your butt as I can, so just listen as I

continue to say absolutely nothing with conviction and confidence.

Seeing-through-Aubrey.jpgThe bad news; they all see through you now, sweetheart.

At Forte, things are still rocking. Looks like Lisa is directing some of the scenes now and Dayana is pleased with the results. I can't believe the word's I'm hearing, and I'm guessing you won't either;

Lisa-likes-Dayana-unbelievably.jpg"Trust me, no one likes to be annoyed and angry

more than I do, because it's fun. And, I know

everybody is going to faint when I say this,

but, maybe Dayana is more than just a pretty face."

And so, with that, Lisa zero's in on another target to destroy.

Lisa-zeros-in-on-Lou.jpgBut this one is with good reason.

Dayana had asked Lou to do banners to be sure they have branding available during the presentation. He still hasn't done it and then he tells them he doesn't really know how to do it and has no idea how to send an e-mail. Lisa has a good point when she asks what else is he good for besides flexing his muscles.

At Unanimous, they are running out of time. Teresa dispatches Clay and Arsenio to go edit the footage they've bagged so far. She remains behind to direct the remaining shots with her stellar actors, Aubrey and Paul. Teresa is nervous about the time left and she's distracted.

Aubrey-annoyed-with-Teresa.jpgHello? I'm pointing with brilliance here. Think you could pay attention?

Aubrey tells us that this competition is about who is going to be the most efficient business leader. She says no one in their right mind would think that was Lisa or Paul.

Paul-thinks-up-another-idea.jpgMeanwhile, Paul thinks up another multi-million dollar idea.

(How many have you come up with, Aubrey?)

At Forte, the three team members in NYC are in the editing room cutting their commercial together. Lou thinks they should insert the company logo in the right hand corner of the screen, but neither Lisa or Aubrey like the idea. They do humor him by seeing what it would look like on the screen before nixing the idea, so kudos to them for not dissing him entirely. Although Lisa did say, "It was a good idea, Lou. But not really."

They discover that their piece is exactly sixty seconds long and they celebrate with delight. Dayana turns to Lou and dares him not to love their commercial.

Dayana-dares-Lou-not-to-love-the-commercial.jpg"Of course I love it. I would tell you if I didn't."

To which, he immediately comes on in testimonial and tells us, he doesn't like the commercial. Because they didn't focus enough on the branding. Personally, I think he's just pouting that he didn't get to act.

At the Unanimous editing bay, Clay and Arsenio seem relaxed and are having a great time. They are doing the foley for a zipper that is supposed to sound like pants being unzipped but is really a computer bag. Clay is joking that his nuts got stuck.


The FCC feels the need to bleep (and blur) out the word "nuts" if it refers to testicles. Yet if he had said testicles it would have been acceptable. WTF??? FCC is dumber than a box of rocks.

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Part 3

The rest of the team shows up in editing and that is when Clay and Arsenio realize they are running out of time and they have to step it up. As they continue to cut, Aubrey interrupts and points out that maybe using the word old fashioned is a diss to the coupon books and they would be better off saying old school. Clay gives an incredulous look and says they have no time to do a voice over to modify the concern.

Aubrey-revers-to-the-alst-time-she-was-told-no.jpgAubrey reverts to the age she was the last time some one told her no.

There does seem to be some concern on the team that the term old fashioned could be offensive, but they decide to try to slip it past the judges. Teresa tells us if they lose, she will be sure that it is either Clay or Arsenio that goes down, since they were the editors.

It is the morning of the presentations and the entire Unanimous team comes on stage to make their presentation. Teresa does a fine job relating Entertainment.com to being a mother of four and always looking for a way to save money. Her presentation is perfectly acceptable, but afer she finishes, Aubrey decides to speak up, making it look like she is a co-presenter and responsible for the material about to be delivered.

Aubrey-talks-during-presentation.jpgIs this attention grabbing behavior calculated or just a product of only childism?

Their commercial is very suggestive but also cute and funny. Still, the judges winced at the word old fashioned and although they clap politely, it doesn't seem like they were totally in love with the finished product. Aubrey tells us that Teresa thinks everyone is friends, but she proposes that Clay and Arsenio will "gang bang" their project manager the minute they lose. Ummmm…. never mind – just gonna let that one go.

Team Forte delivers their commercial next and I personally prefer it better. I think it is a cute little ditty that does a better job of illustrating all the things entertainment.com covers in terms of their product line. It doesn't show off the usage of aps like the other team, but it seems like the judges share my opinion as they are wearing bigger smiles and are clapping at the end of the commercial.

Lou tells us that fireworks will fly in the board room tonight. He says he doesn't trust Lisa because she has two personalities. He points out she is negative, mean and abrasive. So…. what's the other personality? Then he says he's going to make sure they know he doesn't appreciate being called a bleeping loser. Again, Lou, no one called you a loser. They called you useless. Get it right! Lou seems to have a very self-serving agenda and doesn't really understand the concept of a team.

It's about time for Sparky to make an appearance, so he chats with the execs about what they liked best from each commercial. For team Unanimous, they like how they presented as a team and how they presented a bold and gutsy story. They loved Paul and even Aubrey's performances. The negatives were that they felt the term old fashioned was too negative and that perhaps the storyline was too risque. They also left out vital information such as the cost of the product.

For team Forte, they execs loved the creativity and story line. They were very happy with the parts of the product that were mentioned and they encompassed all the ways you could use the product. In terms of negative for Dayana's team, they thought it was a snooze fest with boring characters. They used nicer words but I'm getting tired.

Boardroom Time!

Inside the board room, the Forte team quickly reveals that Lou was their weakest player. Lisa admits to Sparky that she was very impressed with Dayana and admits they had a lot of fun and that it went very well. She says Dayana was a great project manager and is excellent at organization. She also says Dayana may not have many ideas, but that seems unfair when they used Dayana's idea both this week and last week.

Aubrey-loses-grip-on-Lisa.jpgAubrey watches helplessly as Lisa changes her mind about the pretty one.

Lou interrupts to tell Sparky that Lisa is lucky she isn't a man or he would through her right through a wall. He starts bitching to her about calling him a bleeping loser. The whole thing is bizarre. Lisa tells Lou this should be saved for outside the board room. She also tells him she doesn't curse in the board room just before swearing at him. Then she warns that if he physically threatens her again there will be a problem, to which he says he doesn't threaten women.

Forte-double-talk.jpgTeam Forte should be called Team Double Talk.

Ivanka and Sparky want to know if she called Lou a loser. She can't remember, but she says if he says she did, he's probably right and she apologizes but tells him it is inappropriate to threaten people. But I'm irritated because she didn't say that. I can't believe I'm defending her, when she's usually a bitch I can't stand, and to be honest I hated her venomous rant after the last boardroom, but she didn't call him a loser. She called him useless. It's not the same thing.

This is quickly disintegrating into a Lou and Lisa bickering session. He calls her phony, except I don't think that's the case at all. She points out that he's been kissing her ass for two days and now he's bringing up all this discontent in the boardroom. Lou claims he says things right to her face as he stares at the table and brings up unaddressed issues in the most inappropriate moment possible.

Thankfully Sparky starts asking the other team if they heard Lisa call Lou a loser. None of them can remember hearing that but it distracts Sparky enough to focus on Aubrey and Arsenio and their feud. Everyone tells him that this week there was peace in the war room and that things were much better. Aubrey is wisely remaining silent. Arsenio tells Trump that he thinks he got the right results with the wrong words. Well said!

When Sparks asks Teresa who she will bring back if her team loses, she tells him that all five would have to come back, because there were no weak links. Sparky tries to scare her by saying the last time that happened two people got fired. WRONG! Tia didn't bring anyone back with her upon Trump's word that no one else would get fired. Besides, mathematically, he can't do any more double eliminations – there are seven episodes left and 8 players.

Teresa can't name anyone and Ivanka interrupts to ask about the fact that Aubrey took over explaining the concept. Teresa admits she didn't like that Aubrey was doing it, because as the project manager she wanted to be the one to explain the idea, but she also didn't think Aubrey meant any disrespect by it. Ivanka does a great service to everyone by explaining to Aubrey that her actions are polarizing and it's this kind of stuff that alienates her from the team.

Trump-what-would-he-do.jpgWhat do you think he would have done if his kids were stupid?

There is some lighthearted banter in which Trump tries to imagine how Clay would do hanging out with Paul and his biker buddies and what it would be like for Clay to work in his shop.

Then Trump tells the teams that the execs loved both commercials and it is time to view them. Unanimous is up first.

Paul-predicts-never-live-down.jpgPaul predicts he'll never live this down.

Paul-blushes.jpgLook! He's blushing!

Trump asks team Forte what they thought of the video and Dayana says she thought it was entertaining and that Paul was great. Lisa says it was very good but not better than their video. Penn says he's not a fan of double entendres, but for all that, he did in fact like the video.

Trump then rolls out the Forte video and it doesn't seem as fun as when it was being shot. When it finishes, Trump asks Dayana why none of them starred in it. She tries to tell Trump that none of them fit the casting, but Lou interrupts to say he wanted to be in it but she said no. Lisa points out Lou never said he wanted to be in it.

Ooohhhh we're treading on dangerous ground here. Teresa tells Trump she could have seen Dayana playing the role of the young woman and Arsenio chimes in to say he could see Penn playing the part of the man. Trump agrees. Penn says he's too old to play that part and Trump asks "for a young woman?" He jokes Penn is much too old for a young woman and he hates those kind of men…

Trump asks Clay which commercial he likes better, and of course he says he likes his teams commercial better. Then Trump asks Lou which one he likes and Lou also says he likes Forte's commercial better. His reason is that they used star power. What he means is he's mad that he didn't get to star in his team's video, so he'll punish them by throwing them under the bus and saying he liked the commercial where team players get to star in the product. Does the man not think before he speaks???

Lisa says it is easy to be a turncoat when you did nothing on the project and your heart isn't invested. Lou's face is twitching like crazy at this point. There must be some correlation to his brain function and facial muscles.

Lisa tells Lou that Penn did more in his few hours than Lou did the entire time he was there. When Lou responds with, "so I didn't do nothing, right? I just sat around, right?" Lisa tells him pretty much and then reviews his task list. She mentions the printing he was supposed to do that he couldn't and that he helped haul props., but that's where the list ends.

Ivanka-finds-her-meat.jpgSomeone just figured out where her next meal is coming from.

Poor Lou. I'm not saying he's dumb, but he's certainly not sharp enough to talk his way out of the conundrum he's just walked himself in to. The Trumps are asking him if it is a good idea to say he likes the other team's commercial better, while also saying it is good to be truthful.

Trump-you-pay-for-honesty.jpgI want you to be honest, but then again, you will pay for it.

The exec's opinions are now reviewed and big pointers are that Dayana's video didn't show how to actually use the ap, while Teresa's video used the word old fashioned, which wasn't a nice word.

Trump-announces-the-winner.jpgThe Godfather declares Unanimous the winner.

Teresa gets emotional, now that she has managed to win money for the little boy she is fighting for. I can't help but wonder if this wasn't once again rigged because Dayana already won money for her charity, while Teresa was empty handed up until this point. The way the show was edited, I was pretty sure all along that Forte would win and Teresa would be sent home. So to hear that Unanimous was crowned the victor has got me eying the whole episode with suspicion once again.

Unanimous exits the board room and are celebrating in their office. Teresa is squaling in this really annoying high pitched voice about how happy she is. Aubrey embraces her and tells her that she knew they would win.


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Part 4

In the boardroom, Lou and Lisa are at it again. Lou claims Lisa is just trying to cover her ass and she rips into Lou that she’s the only one who is guaranteed to be safe because she does all the work. Back in Unanimous’ room, Paul and Arsenio agree that they would never want to bleep with Lisa or be on her team, since she keeps losing.

Penn explains the problem the best, which is that although Lou says he is a team player, he also says the team should lose. He tells Trump that if Lou said they should star in the video, he doesn’t remembering hearing it and that he can’t just make a suggestion. If he thinks they should all be in the video, he also has to offer an idea to facilitate that suggestion.

Oh crap. Trump is going back to the casting again and asks Penn if he thinks he could have played the part of the guy in the video. Penn says no, while sexagenarian Lou is shaking his head yes. Lisa chimes in that it would be creepy to have a fifty six year old man with a twenty something girl in this context.

Trump-creepy.jpgIt’s creepy to me that Trump has to do the math to determine if he qualifies as creepy.

There is a quick scramble as they all race to assure Sparky that the sentiment doesn’t apply to him.

LIsa-hamhocks.jpgI can’t wait to sink my teeth into your ham hocks, Lisa.

Trump asks Dayana who will be getting a free pass and is allowed to leave the board room. She deliberates but ultimately says that Penn wasn’t there for the whole time and contributed so much that he will get the free pass. She then tries to explain how much great work Lisa did too, which has Trump marveling that she could say such nice things about a woman who’s been gunning for her week after week. But Dayana is classy and honest. I love that girl.

Trump asks Lisa if she has had a change of heart and Lisa admits this week was an eye opener and refers to Dayana as incredibly capable. They are all sent out of the boardroom and Penn gets to retreat to the Unanimous holding tank.

In the waiting area, Lou and Lisa are at it again, but Lisa keeps getting the last and most vicious word. Lou isn’t really mentally cut out for this sort of battle. Dayana sits demurely and says nothing.

Once they are back in the boardroom, the discussion quickly morphs from how many times Dayana has been in called back to how useful Lou is. Lisa tells Ivanka that Lou is not vindictive, he’s just only good for brawn, which is not useful. What Lou doesn’t have is ideas.

When Lou tries to pull the hearing impairment card, Lisa calls bullbleep. Lou makes absolutely no sense as he says he gives 110%, he doesn’t fight, he doesn’t get angry, he supports his team and he always tells the truth. He has contradicted every single one of those statements this episode.

Ivanka points out that Lou is complaining that Lisa’s cursing causes a negative attitude but his choosing the other teams video as better is also a negative attitude. Lou is unable to respond.

Lou-stuck.jpgHe would still be stuck like this if Ivanka hadn’t made a follow up statement.

Lou tells us all that it takes him longer to digest things because he has to focus and listen harder. It’s tough for him if more than one person is talking at a time. That is all understandable and justifiable, but as Lisa points out, once he’s digested the information, he needs to vocalize it. She then accuses him of using the hearing as an excuse when he needs to. I kind of agree with her on this one.

Dorkus Amongus interrupts the shouting match between these two to point out that he can’t stand that Lou back stabbed his team but he admires that Lou had the cojones to tell Trump his real opinion. I would agree with DJ if in fact that had been Lou’s real opinion. The thing is, I don’t think it really was. I think the way Lou thought this would all go down is that he would say he liked their video better because they used their star power and it would teach his winning team a lesson to be sure to use him in the next task. This was a pathetic strategy that backfired on him and now he’s forced to stick with an opinion he doesn’t really have.

Trump tells Lou it doesn’t sit well with him that he said he liked the other team’s project better. He says loyalty is very important to him and with that, he fires Lou Ferrigno.

Lou-take-it-back.jpg“Take it back. I don’t want to be fired.”

What the hell? Has that ever worked on this show? I would never dare to tell Trump to take back a decision he has made. It’s actually kind of pathetic as Lou repeats several times, “I don’t want to be fired.”

Trump-nothing-he-can-do.jpgLook Lou, I’ll still dream about you. But there’s no place for you here anymore.

And so, our old friend the Hulk is sent packing.

Lou-pees-on-elevator-doors.jpgBut not before exacting a little revenge on the elevator doors.

Lou-leaves.jpgGood bye, Mr. 110%

Trump-no-disloyalty.jpgI can’t stand disloyalty.

Ivanka-lou-dug-grave.jpgHe dug his own grave. But don’t worry, I’ll get him out.

DJ-loyalty-is-everything.jpgWe’ve always heard that growing up from you; loyalty is everything.

Trump-except-wife-loyalty.jpgExcept when it comes to wives.

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Clay's Take, Week 10 -- Puppet Up!

  • Posted By Clay
  • April 15, 2012 11:00 PM

Just when you thought things couldn't get more explosive and emotional...

And, who would have thought puppets and imaginary characters would bring so much out of people!?

I'll spare you the recap from this episode and just try to highlight some important points that I think may not be made clear in a two-hour episode.


Wow... Lisa...

Truth is, Lisa doesn't really yell that much! Ha ha! But when you have only 30 minutes to show all that happened in a full task, sometimes all you end up seeing is the dramatic parts. In fact, if a task takes 50 hours to complete, in that 50 hours, one might lose their temper for only 5-10 minutes.

However, when the show gets pared down and the task only takes 25 minutes, 10 minutes can sound like a lot. So, as emotional as she may seem, Lisa is a bit more stable than you might think. That said, she certainly went in on Dayana this week!

Here's the rub: As you have no doubt noticed over the course of this show, a lot of the tasks really require only a certain number of hands. Often times, the number of team members is far greater than the number of people needed to get things done. In situations like that, the project manager and a few team members end up coming up with the creative and making a lot of the decisions while other members must decide how they might best be utilized.

As a project manager, it can be difficult to come up with certain things for people to do. It can be even more difficult to deal with folks whose skills and hands aren't needed when they insist on being used somehow.

Let me give some examples: During the O-Cedar mop task, we had to shoot a viral video. On Unanimous, since our video was only going to include Lou on camera, we had a lot of extra hands. Penn wrote the script; Dee directed and edited, and Arsenio and I found ways that we could be useful (but not get in the way). We shopped for props and wardrobe and we helped Lou with some of the direction. Paul Sr. came up with the "I'm Gonna Mop the Floor With You" tagline, but then found himself in the position of needing to decide whether to stay out of the way and be available if anything was needed or to try to insert himself into directing and shooting a video when he admitted that he knew very little about doing so. Paul made the choice to stand aside and be available to help, but not try to insert himself and be in the way. It's a risky choice. If we had lost, the argument could have been made that Paul did nothing. But had he tried to be one of "too many cooks in the kitchen," the argument could have been made that he was in the way and hindered our progress. We won that task, so it didn't matter. But had we lost, it probably would have been a good strategy on Paul's part that he was not a hindrance.

Other people don't make that choice. As we saw last week, Dayana and Lisa really had the commercial for Entertainment.com under control. But, Lou tried to insert himself a lot in to areas where he might not have been needed. That does little more than to remind a project manager that you have nothing to offer, and often makes you look worse.

In this week's task (and in previous ones), that has been Dayana's predicament. In a task where there could only be two puppeteers and one host (and Lisa had already assigned those roles) Dayana struggled to "look like" she was doing something instead of actually doing something. If I had been in her position, I'd like to think she would have jumped at the opportunity to be the "point person" on designing the puppets. (Something that I suggested a few times and she never latched on to). Taking a vocal role in doing something that Lisa had not really assigned to anyone would have given her a strong argument that she was instrumental in the task.

Of course, the reaction to her trying to "insert" herself was probably a case of the punishment not fitting the crime, but as the competition wears on, emotions get high and nerves get frazzled. Gotta hand it to Dayana. She really handles herself with grace and class. I can totally see why she won Miss Universe! (And, she is even hotter when she cries!) Also, props to Penn. I'm not sure that I would have said the best way to listen to someone's problems is to "just look at them," but he certainly seemed to be what Dayana needed, and my respect for him grew watching how he helped her out.

On to the task...

It certainly was an interesting one, and one that gave us a brief respite from the corporate or marketing type tasks that we had been subject to for the past weeks. As most of us were performers, it was nice to be able to do something a little bit closer to our wheelhouse.

We were told that we would be doing four different set-ups for our improv performance. In case the set-ups were unclear last night (they were to me, and I was there), they were as follows:

- Gibberish Translation set-up - The audience provided a foreign language and an obscure skill that someone might have extensive knowledge of. One performer was to speak in gibberish in the style of the given language. The other performer was to "translate" that gibberish into a speech about the given topic. The gibberish part was easy. All one had to do was make up sounds. The translation part was a beast, and I drew the short straw on that one. Fortunately, Lisa was very over the top with her gibberish, and Penn combined two topics from the audience to give me something very specific to work with.

- TV biography set-up - The audience provided a historical figure. One performer created the narration and guided what would be a biography of that person. The other performer had to act out whatever was made up by the narrator.

- Infomercial set-up - The audience provided a type of product line that might be sold on TV. Two performers together grabbed items we had never seen before out of a box and had to come up with what their purpose was within that given line of products. Penn helped us out by accepting the very broad suggestion of medicinal products. Unanimous' audience gave them a more specific product line: panty hose.

- Newscast set-up - The audience provided an obscure location and a strange breaking news story. Much like the biography set up, one performer played the newscaster and directed the questioning and the direction of the story while the other performer played the on-scene reporter and had to answer the questions asked by the anchor.

We had professional improv helpers in our group who were able to support us and play puppets, too. However, the rules stated that in every sketch at least one "celebrity" had to play a leading role. Lisa and I decided that it might be more difficult, but probably also better competitively, for us to use the professionals as little as possible. So, in every sketch, Lisa and I played both leading roles. Unanimous chose to rely pretty heavily on their professionals, which likely resulted in the judges believing that they played it too safe.

In the end, however, Paul's strategy of stepping back and letting others with the expertise do the heavy lifting didn't cut it this time. (Probably doesn't work as well when you're the project manager!) He went home when Unanimous lost and handed Forte their first win in SIX TASKS!!

For the record, I am now the person who has been on the winning team more than anyone else! #HOLLA ;-)

Lets see next week if Forte can keep the "success" alive.

It will be "The Battle of the Gingers - Part Two"

Don't miss it!

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The "Celebrity Apprentice" Recap: The Puppet Masters

EPISODE 09 | AIRED APR 15, 2012

'The Celebrity Apprentice' recap: The Puppet Masters

Even in an episode filled with puppets, the craziest characters are still the ones playing for Donald Trump

By Dalton Ross | Published Apr 16, 2012

Hi. How's it going? I'm fine. Back hurts. Otherwise, I guess okay. Hold on a second. Need to yawn. Yaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwnnn. There. I just yawned. So how's it going? Oh, I asked that already, didn't I? Hmmm. Don't have much else to say. Guess I'll just sit here for a while. Have to sit. Can't stand. Back hurts too much.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes my impersonation of Paul Teutul Sr. writing aCelebrity Apprentice recap. Not exactly what I would call a "high energy guy" is he, that Paul Teutul Sr.? Hell, I've seen more vim and vigor at my mother-in-law's senior citizen housing complex. A senior citizen housing complex that goes by the name of Leisure Village, for crissakes! What the hell happened to that guy? I mean, besides the bad back. Don't get me wrong — Paul was never Mr. Excitement, but I have never seen someone so thoroughly unmotivated to be there as Paul was this week. And that includes Darryl Strawberry, who slept through two straight projects, and Dennis Rodman, who actually left his task to go get drunk with some random dudes — random dudes who didn't even invite him!

Not only did Paul appear completely mentally and physically MIA on the task of creating a puppet show — a task he was Project Manager on, I might add — but he then showed even less energy in the Boardroom. After showing up in his trademark hoodie — classy! — Paul slept his way through his entire firing, offering little to no resistance. Worst of all? After he was fired, he stepped into the waiting town car like any other fired schmo. Are you kidding me?!? Where's the freakin' motorcycle? Paul should have had a big ol' bike roughly the size of South Carolina waiting for him outside of Trump Tower to take him wherever those cars take people after they've been canned by the Donald (read: around the block a few times). That's just a wasted opportunity, right there.

In truth, Paul didn't add a whole lot to this season. No doubt producers were hoping for some of the drama he created on American Chopper, when he would constantly get into it with his son (whom he eventually fired). But outside of some early unexplainable tension with George Takei, it never really happened. However, there was plenty else happening on last night's episode, so let's get right to my favorite things about the most recent Celebrity Apprentice installment.

1. Lisa Vs. Dayana II: This Time Its Personal (Kind of Like the Last Time, Which Was Also Personal)

When we last left Lisa and Dayana, they had kissed and made up after Dayana proved herself to be a competent Project Manager. And when things first started this week it appeared a Lisa-Clay feud could be brewing instead. "We did it. Good riddance," Lisa bragged after returning from Lou's firing. "We did it?" Clay responded. "You act like you had some accomplishment of some kind… He's still a person."

When Trump then moved Clay over to team Forte to even out the numbers, one had to expect trouble, but instead of Clay, it was Dayana that once again placed herself right in Lisa's line of fire once the teams were tasked with performing an improv puppet show with Brain Henson's Stuffed and Unstrung. Allow me to say this: I played a bit of football back in middle school. Was pretty decent, actually (before everyone else started outgaining me by 100 pounds and I began to resemble the scrawny weakling I am today). I still throw the ball around on weekends. But if there was a competition based around throwing a football through some tires…well, that would be a pretty stupid competition for a show like Celebrity Apprentice. But my point is, if I had Tom Brady, Drew Brees, and Aaron Rodgers on my team, I wouldn't be the one throwing the damn football!

You know what, maybe comparing Lisa Lampanelli, Clay Aiken, and Penn Jillette to three of the best quarterbacks on the planet is stretching it a bit. But even if I had, say, Rex Grossman, Tarvaris Jackson, and Dan Orlovsky… I still wouldn't be the one throwing the damn football! (Tim Tebow? Well, maybe then I throw the football, but that's probably about it.) In this case, Dayana thought her 18 months of improv training meant she should be one of the puppeteers in the show, even though Lisa, Penn and, Clay had around 70 combined years of professional performance experience. There are times to cede the spotlight and let others do what they have been professionally trained to do, and for Dayana, this was one of those times. (Even Ivanka said as much in the Boardroom.)

THAT SAID, Lisa did not have to blow a complete gasket when it was suggested that Dayana at least bring items on stage to hand to the troupe. "How about this?" Lisa yelled. "Do whatever the f--- you want! You know what? You're a f---ing pain in the ass. I had to kind of create out of my ass yesterday something for you to do." Okay, for one thing, I don't want to have anything to do with anything that Lisa Lampanelli is creating out of her ass. That's just a personal policy of mine, and I've done well by it. Secondly, take a chill pill, woman. On the list of egregiousCelebrity Apprentice offenses, Dayana wanting to have a role in the show is pretty damn low. Do I need to go get tapes of Gary Busey as a reference to convince you?

Clay chalked Lisa's anger up to possibly being jealous over Dayana being "beautiful, screw beautiful — stunning." Whatever the reason, things calmed down somewhat by the time they got to the Boardroom. When asked how she got along with Lisa, Dayana replied, "How everybody gets along with Lisa, I guess. Until she explodes." Trump then asked Lisa what she thought of her Venezuelan nemesis. "Not much," answered Lisa. What's so positively odd about this feud is how one-sided it is. Lisa yells and screams at Dayana, who knows better than to yell back so she either shrugs her shoulders or goes off and cries.

Unfortunately, Lisa's team won so we didn't get to see whether she would have gone through with not bringing anyone back to the Boardroom with her had they lost. My guess is she would have brought back Dayana, and Dayana would have been fired because she doesn't bring the crazy like Lisa. No one does.

2. A Kinder, Gentler (Yet Still Plenty Bitchy) Aubrey

I have said it before and will say it again: Aubrey O'Day is a Celebrity Apprentice contestant for the ages. The woman is truly something special. My favorite thing about Arsenio's Boardroom rant against Aubrey was that it was hilarious and uncomfortable at the same time. My least favorite thing about Arsenio's Boardroom rant against Aubrey is that I worried it would tame and tone down our sassy and selfish control freak. Unfortunately for us, Aubrey definitely muzzled herself in front of the other contestants this week, pretending to be much more of a team player so they would stop attacking her in front of her future father-in-law.

However, that doesn't mean the redhead has completely lost her fire. She's still good for some supremely bitchy comments once the other players are well out of earshot. Let's score this week's contenders for Aubrey Put-Down of the Week:

CONTENDER #1: "Clay made one of his bitchy queen comments. I love it because I can't stand Clay. She's been the first person here able to shut Clay Aiken up." Hmmm, that's not bad, but clearly not her best work. This came very early in the episode, however, when Lisa and Clay were going at it, so I'm going to give Aubrey the benefit of the doubt and assume she was still warming up. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm scoring this one a 5.8.

CONTENDER #2: "The mohawk totally inspired Arsenio and I can see why — he's bald." Okay, now we're getting somewhere. This is classic O'Day right here — go straight for a low blow by attacking someone's physical appearance. Because Lord knows that's their fault. Sure, it's simple, but effective. I'm giving this a 7.4.

CONTENDER #3: "We lost Clay and nobody in this group minus maybe Arsenio Hall has experience being comedic performers." See, now Aubrey is just showing off. Damn she is good at this. The brilliance of this quote is that on the surface it appears to be a compliment, but by inserting one simple word — maybe — it turns everything on its head. Now she is talking about a man that hosted his own late night talk show, appeared in major motion pictures, and made his living off of making people laugh, and she is saying that he maybe has experience being a comedic performer. The genius is in both the subtlety and precision. When it comes to dissing and dismissing, the woman is a surgeon. This one gets a perfect 10!

Of course, Aubrey's best comments are often about herself. (Speaking of which, would you like to know more about all her Twitter followers? She'd be happy to tell you!) This week's gem came as she was discussing the challenges of hosting the live puppet show: "You never now what's going to happen once you get on that stage, but I usually impress myself, so I'm not worried" She usually impresses herself! That is so unbelievably incredible the only thing I can do is sit here and slow clap the absolute righteousness of that statement. And how did Aubrey do as host? Well, it seems her hosting philosophy basically amounts to: when in doubt — bounce and twirl! She kept bouncing around on stage for no apparent reason other than to jiggle for the audience as much as possible, and I would like to make it absolutely clear that this is not a complaint by any means.

3. Puppet Up!

I'm sorry, but this is worst slogan ever. I felt so uncomfortable for all those poor audience members forced to yell "Puppet up!" repeatedly whenever commanded and demanded by their taskmaster of a host.Awwwwwwwkward.

4. Puppet on a String (of Unintentional Hilarity)

In case you were wondering what a Teresa Giudice puppet would look like, think of a trashy hooker with big boobs and a low cut dress and you're getting pretty gosh darn close. "Designing my puppet is a reflection of me," exclaimed the Jersey Housewife before explaining how she gave the puppet boobs as fake as her own and wanted to make her "fabulous, over the top, glamorous." Teresa then put the entire task on hold while she attempted to come up with a suitably trashy name for her Teresa puppet. "Fabulina," Arsenio suggested. Predictably, Teresa loved it. "As a matter of fact, my third book,Fabulicious: Fast and Fit, comes out in May!" Of course it does.

Aubrey was none too impressed with Fabulina. "Basically, Teresa was inspired by everything tacky on the table," said the tasteful and demure one, also dubbing the puppet "a hot mess Jersey lady." But Aubrey wasn't done. She then went on to….

We interrupt this "Celebrity Apprentice" recap to bring you the following bulletin. A red alert has been issued for the area of northern New Jersey, where a source has informed us that 80s pop star Debbie Gibson has been accused of dropping what is being described as a "4 alarm dump" in the Medieval Times locker room. The stench from the locker room was described by one eyewitness as being "worse than anything on the entire 'Electric Youth' album." Gibson was unavailable for comment, and rather than offer any sort of rebuttal, representatives for the former pop icon merely insisted on singing the lyrics to Gibson's recent Crystal Light jingle, hoping the tune will eventually catch on and earn the singer a recording contract with the powered beverage giant. The area has been quarantined, and we will continue to monitor this situation. Once again, Debbie Gibson has been accused of dropping a "4 alarm dump" in the Medieval Times locker room. We'll update you as more news comes in, and for now, we return you to your regularly scheduled "Celebrity Apprentice" recap, already in progress.

…and thus concludes my argument on why Eric and Ivanka Trump would have been the perfect casting choice to play Jaime Lannister and Queen Cersei on Game of Thrones. Anyhoo, back to Teresa. As if watching her dress the puppet wasn't precious enough, then we got to watch her attempt to work the puppet. See Teresa learn there are two syllables in the word "seven." See Teresa get confused and say "Hi, Tanya" to someone else when her puppet happens to be the one playing the role of Tanya. See Teresa be instructed to say an adjective and respond with "monsters," the most wonderful non-adjective in the history of adjectives. Well, at least in the words of Aubrey (clearly channeling her inner Lou Ferrigno), Teresa "does give 110 percent."

5. Return of the Boardroom Dominatrix

Hot damn, Ivanka looked crazy hot in the Boardroom this week in her red dress and flowing locks. Her beauty even enraged the normally mellow and normally homosexual Clay Aiken. I really have nothing to add to that but thought it would be nice to go on out that image of Ivanka to carry me through the week until we meet once again in the Boardroom under the watchful and somewhat befuddled gaze of Donald Trump.

In the meantime, it's your turn to sound off. Sad to see Paul go? Are you as impressed with Aubrey as she is with herself? And Team Lisa, Team Dayana or Team Neither? Hit the message boards and let us know, and for more Celebrity Apprentice news and views, follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Until next week: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!

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"Celebrity Apprentice" Recap: I'm Your Puppet

'Celebrity Apprentice' Recap: I'm Your Puppet

Teams must create 'miscreant' characters for improv

main.jpgLisa Lampanelli and Clay Aiken on 'The Celebrity Apprentice'Douglas Gorenstein/NBC

April 16, 2012 11:00 AM ET

Lou Ferrigno's firing last week has left an imbalance – and not just in terms of testosterone and muscle tone. His team is left with only three players, while the other has five. Noticing this, both Lisa Lampanelli and Aubrey O'Day pray to the Celebrity Apprentice gods (a.k.a. the producers) that Donald Trump breaks up budding bestiesClay Aiken and Arsenio Hall, the way he did to them. Well, ladies, your wish is granted, as Trump moves Clay over to the other team, so each now has four contestants.

After the shakeup, the teams learn their task is to put on a live-improv puppet show for adults. (Oh, the things that thrive off-Broadway.) They are expected to create two new "miscreant" characters and will be judged on their puppet designs, quality of their improv puppeteering and overall live performance. The project manager of the winning team will receive $20,000 for his or her charity. Not too shabby for playing with some Muppets.

Lisa and Paul Teutul Sr. step up as project managers. Never mentioned: Why Arsenio, the only comedian on Paul's team, didn't take on the task, a fatal flaw that saw race-car driver Michael Andretti fired during a car-related task. But Trump has his favorites, and they can do no wrong. Ahem . . .

Anyway, as Lisa's team brainstorms, they're clearly working at an advantage, considering they have two comedians in Lisa and Penn Jillette. While Lisa will stick her hand up a puppet's butt and give it life, Penn cannot, as he's deemed too tall to be a puppeteer, so he's relegated to host. Filling his void is Clay, who tells his new teammates he used to puppeteer at his church. Alrighty then . . . who can argue with that?

Dayana Mendoza does, of course, as she pipes in that she has taken improv classes for over a year now. That makes her an insta-pro, right? But Lisa refuses to let her insert herself into the show. A good move, if you ask me, as Miss Universe 2008 has run her course on this show. But since the beauty pageant is a franchise the Donald owns, he keeps stroking his own ego by keeping her around. Man up and cut her loose, Trump!

On Paul's team, Aubrey is very aware that she's been called out the last few weeks for being too bossy and not enough of a team player, so she consciously tries to step back. Usually a hater, Arsenio compliments her on dialing things back and playing well with others this week. New besties? Nah, not really.

Meanwhile, on the first day of the task, Paul throws his back out, which renders him rather useless. So he basically lounges in a chair, drinks coffee and drops the F-bomb the whole time.

When Dayana continues her quest to be in the spotlight, Lisa puts her in her place by saying she doesn't have the comedic chops and her accent is hard to understand. Dayana feels marginalized, as if she's purposefully being pushed to the sidelines. Which could be true. But it could also be because she's a weak link who's riding Trump's coattails. Hopefully not all the way to the finals.

When it's time to design the puppets, Lisa thinks this is a good chance to give Dayana "busy work," so the Venezuelan actress is tasked with creating Lisa's puppet while Penn puts together the other one. They're both cognizant of keeping the puppets as generic and all-encompassing as possible.

Back on the other team, Paul is striking an extra laid-back attitude as he nurses his bad back. He lets Arsenio and Teresa Giudice design their own puppets – a mohawked rocker and a tacky Jersey girl. Aubrey doesn't think their characters are universal, but she doesn't say anything for fear of being labeled difficult. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, eh?

Next the teams are given a lightning-speed lesson in improv and puppeteering. While Lisa, Clay and Arsenio pick it up quickly, Teresa struggles with, well, just about everything. While some might find her ditziness endearing, it's certainly not "funny" in the same way the other performances are. Plus, she has a hard time grasping the concept that her puppet's mouth has to move with every syllable, mostly because she doesn't seem to understand what a syllable is.

As the improv show approaches, Dayana is left looking for something to do since she's not going to be on stage. When it's suggested she carry props so it looks like she's at least involved, Lisa explodes, annoyed at Dayana's constant need for attention. After a heated argument, Dayana walks outs crying. Then Lisa loses it, calling Clay and Penn out for not having her back. In reality, they probably played their cards best by keeping their mouths shut and watching the fight unfold. Where's the popcorn when you need it?

The night of the performance, Clay does amazingly well, although he and Lisa get a little too raunchy in their dialogue. On the flipside, Paul's team flails when Teresa breaks all the rules of Improv 101 – like using a lot of negatives and not coming up with anything very interesting to say.

In the boardroom, Trump immediately pits Lisa against Dayana. He loves a good girl-fight. But when pushed too far, Lisa starts crying, saying she doesn't want to be portrayed as the "bad guy." Oops, too late, honey.

But their fight is a moot point when it's announce that Lisa's team won the task, leaving Paul and his players to face the firing squad.

Despite Arsenio and Aubrey being called out as "good," overall the team played it "too safe" and the puppets themselves were "too complex." Although Arsenio admits his rocker puppet wasn't designed well, he immediately defends himself from being fired. And Paul agrees, granting Arsenio the only guaranteed "safe status" by bringing Aubrey and Teresa back into the boardroom to duke it out.

Facing off, both women think Paul should be fired because he was too laid back and not very interested in the task. "He'd rather be riding his motorcycle," Teresa points out.

In addition to their gripes, Trump latches on to the idea that Arsenio should probably have been brought back into the boardroom rather than Aubrey because he admitted the puppet he created wasn't that good. After a few merry-go-round rides around who should go, Trump finally fixates on Paul's lackadaisical attitude and lack of interest in throwing Arsenio under the bus. So, Paul, you're fired.

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Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings: Why is Clay Aiken So Good with Puppets?

Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings: Why Is Clay Aiken So Good With Puppets?


Jessica Grabert and Mack Rawdenpublished: 2012-04-16 16:46:07


This week's Celebrity Apprentice episode began with a loose tie-in to FAO Schwartz's 150th Anniversary Celebration. A part of me was hoping the task would involve stuffing teddy bears, but my daydreams were dashed when Trump introduced the contestants to Brian Henson, Jim Henson's son. For this week's challenge, contestants were expected to head to Jim Henson's Creature Shop, create two puppets, and learn the art of puppeteering. Later, those puppets and improv puppet skills would be put to the test during an adult-oriented, improvisational comedy show.

Before any project managers were chosen, Clay was transferred to the team featuring Penn, Dayana, and Lisa to even the numbers out. If anyone believed Clay and Penn would fight it out again this week, that idea was quickly deflated. Who has time to be angry when there is Lisa to contend with as a project manager?

On the other team, Paul Sr. reluctantly took the lead, which was just the tip of the iceberg regarding the team's challenges. Paul Sr. soon hurt his back and was out of commission for the improv show, leaving Teresa and Arsenio to do their best with puppet creation, as well as comedy. The comedy was in Arsenio's wheelhouse, but the rest seemed to stump the former TV host and his Real Housewives partner.

On the other team, things would have run smoothly, had Lisa been able to maintain an aura of authority and not one of a crazy person. The bond she created with Dayana last week was nowhere to be seen and the two squabbled back and forth prior to the boardroom and then again in front of Trump. As far as skill sets went, this team dominated, however. Dayana rocked out with puppet creation, Penn capably riled up the crowd, and my God was Clay great with puppet voices.

Lisa's team did so well the group's two critiques involved Penn's missed timing on one of the sketches and Lisa and Clay taking another one of the sketches a step too far into racy. We didn't get to see the whole sketch show, but from what we saw, Lisa's team put the other to shame.

Apparently, the executives thought so, too. Between Arsenio and Teresa's too specific-looking puppets, Paul Sr.'s lackadaisical management style, and Teresa's inability to follow the rules of improv, it was pretty clear one of those team members were headed home. Surprisingly, Aubrey was a team player and a good host this week, but she still did not manage to avoid the boardroom. After Aubrey defended Teresa, Paul Sr. was sort of left stranded and ultimately, Trump fired him. No real surprise there, as Paul Sr. should have brought Arsenio back.

The Celebrity Apprentice Power Rankings are an ordered compilation of weekly lists put together by TV Blend writers Jessica Grabert and Mack Rawden. Each week after viewing the episode, they each rank the competitors in order. Seventeen points are given for a first place vote, and this week, eleven were given for a last place vote. Eleven competitors have already been eliminated; therefore, those people automatically occupy the bottom slots. Here is how this week's voting panned out, complete with analysis on how the celebrities might fare moving forward.


The Favorites

#1) Clay Aiken (34): If you didn't watch this week's episode, find it immediately, if for no other reason than to watch Clay manipulate puppets. I couldn't even believe some of the sounds coming out of his mouth. If the whole singing thing doesn't work out, he could easily have a second career in voice acting. Every character he played had a different tone of voice, and some of his off-the-cuff lines were brilliant. I can't say enough positive things about the American Idol contestant this week.

#2) Penn Jillette (32): Sure, the executives made a few comments about Penn letting a sketch or two run a bit long, but his work as the evening's host was top-notch. Aubrey did an excellent job leading her team too, but it was obvious Penn was in his wheelhouse interacting with the crowd. Even the notoriously hard to please Lisa was singing his praises apart from not cutting the one sketch that ran too long. In addition to his on-the-task performance, the magician was once again wonderful in the boardroom, speaking exactly the right number of times and offering words of insight. Aubrey took to Twitter to sing his praises about the bravery and fear comment, and I'm sure most viewers had the same reaction. What a wonderful mind.

#3) Aubrey O'Day (30): It kind of makes me want to spit up in my mouth a little to say I was proud of Aubrey during this week's task, but she certainly showed good judgment when she took Ivanka's words from last week to heart and played as part of the team. She also did a great credit to her team during her tenure as host when she cut sketches off at the right times and riled up the crowd. There were no mistakes from Aubrey's end this week. If she can manage to maintain this balance in the upcoming tasks, she is almost a shoe-in for the finale. Then again, that's still a very big 'if.'

#4) Arsenio Hall (28): Arsenio screwed up a bit by not making his puppet versatile enough, but his on-stage performance during the improv puppetry was a clear high point for his team. He continues to quietly contribute in whatever fashion he's assigned. Unfortunately, with only a few weeks left to show his strengths before it's decided who makes the finals, he needs to step up and start dominating. Only two people are going to compete in the end, and right now, I think it's safe to say Clay, Penn and Aubrey are all a bit ahead in terms of the number of tangible contributions they've brought to each task. I wouldn't write Arsenio off, but I do think there's a lot of work left to be done.


The Contenders

#5) Lisa Lampanelli (25): Look: I don't know if Lisa Lampanelli is generally this emotionally imbalanced or if the high-stress environment of Celebrity Apprentice is just too much for her to handle. I do know that she has worked a lot harder than many of the people left on the show and she knows how to rapid-fire ideas. Normally, this would be a great asset, but between screaming, crying, and being demeaning in every episode, I simply think she is going to corner herself into a firing at some point. Still, if people on her team keep making more missteps than her, she has a shot.

#5) Dayana Mendoza (25): For the life of me, I don't understand why Dayana wasn't put in charge of making both puppets. The one she created for Lisa was amazing. The workers in the creature shop were ready to offer her a job. That's huge praise given it was the first one she'd ever done. Unfortunately, she was only given one and beyond that, assigned absolutely nothing to do. I get why Lisa didn't want her on stage. She clearly picked the right people for the roles, but if project managers would trust Dayana more, I think they would find she can be a very valuable asset.

#7) Teresa Giudice (22): If Paul Sr. had brought back Arsenio rather than Aubrey, I really believe Teresa would be gone right now. Instead, Aubrey was forced to defend Teresa due to the many, many weeks where Teresa backed Aubrey up. At the end of the day, Teresa has been the weakest player for multiple tasks. It is difficult to hate on someone who has energy and seems to be the nicest person left on the show; but, a level of competence should be expected from a contestant on Celebrity Apprentice and especially one who makes it beyond the top 10, and Teresa just does not have it.

Here's a look at how the ballots shook out…


Clay Aiken (17)

Penn Jillette (16)

Aubrey O'Day (15)

Arsenio Hall (14)

Dayana Mendoza (13)

Lisa Lampanelli (12)

Teresa Giudice (11)


Clay Aiken (17)

Penn Jillette (16)

Aubrey O'Day (15)

Arsenio Hall (14)

Lisa Lampanelli (13)

Dayana Mendoza (12)

Teresa Giudice (11)

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Celebrity Apprentice Recap: People Suck, Puppets Rock

Celebrity Apprentice Recap: People Suck, Puppets Rock

Greetings Gasmii!

This week on the Celeb Apprenti, nothing shocking happened. Lisa was a psycho, Aubrey reigned in her diabolicality (but not her genius), Dayana was sidelined, Penn said nothing and a bump on a log went home.

Our episode begins with Dayana revealing her loveliness, followed by Lisa emerging from the board room. There is an intake of breath from everyone as they realize Lou has gotten the ax. Lisa crows out, "We did it!" as if the elimination of Lou was some sort of accomplishment. Clay points out it's a little crass to be glorifying in Lou's demise and Lisa loses it. She literally goes from a 9 on the happy meter to a 7 on the bitch-out scale in a matter of seconds. She starts ranting to Clay about the "little tactics" he's been pulling this whole time and suggests he not start with her. Um…. what tactics? All he did was point out the indecency of her behavior – has he done some other tactic that she could claim is underhanded? I think the hag might be losing her mind.

Penn-and-Dayana-unite.jpgAnd right under Lisa's ranting nose, Penn and Dayana

form a secret alliance to get her out.

Clay agrees with Lisa that she's right, he doesn't want to start with her and wisely shuts up. But she wasn't ready for him to acquiesce, she wants a fight, so she continues to try to get the last word in. Clay wisely remains silent. Aubrey takes delight in what she sees as Lisa chewing Clay up, because she hates Clay. I don't see it that way at all. To me, Clay called out Lisa and then knew better to engage her nutso factor.

Aubrey-homeless.jpgBut we'll just let the little genius have her imagined delight.

Lisa tells the teams that Lou never said any of the stuff he complained about in the boardroom (not getting to act, all the cussing) and she begins to mimic him, calling him Sally Sensitive. She's just digging her own hate hole here and it's hard to watch her be so ugly. Clay comes on and wonders if her bad attitude is because of all the team losses or if her team losses are because of her bad attitude. Great question!

Aubrey hopes there will be a team shake up now that the teams are 5 and 3 and she's really wishing that Trump would split up Arsenio and Clay. She thinks it's only fair to break up those BFF's since she and Lisa were split up.

Arsenio-and-Clay.jpgWe're dudes. We don't go to the bathroom together like

you chicks do. We'll be fine if we're on separate teams.

Teresa meets a family in the park to deliver her winnings for the NephCure Foundation. The sweet little boy who she gives the money too has to take a ton of pills and has a rare and incurable disease. This sucks.

NefCure-kid.jpgTeresa tells him; "you're brave for what you're doing"….

does she mean for staying alive?

Rainbow-Teresa.jpgDespite her lack of verbal skills, the Gods are smiling on Teresa right now.

The next morning, Trump arrives at FAO Schwartz to meet with the teams. It looks like VampEric has been given permission to participate again.

VampERic-pay-attention.jpgCan you guess why Ivanka is Sparky's favorite?

As Trump starts talking about how puppets are usually for kids, I start to perk up. I love adult puppet theatre (I recommend seeing Ave Q for those entertained by wrongness) and that is exactly what this task is going to be! Awesome!!! Even better; next to Sparky is Brian Henson, the love child of Jim Henson and Robin Williams.



Brian does a show called Stuffed and Unstrung, which is live improv puppetry for adults. How fun! The teams are going to have to create two puppets in the Jim Henson Creature shop and then perform using those puppets along with assistance from cast members in the troupe. This sounds like a fantastic challenge – I wish I could be in on it.

Trump informs the teams that they have to be 4 person teams and asks Forte who they would like on their team. Doesn't really matter what they say, I guess they just had a few minutes to kill, because Sparky already knows who he is moving over and nothing will change his mind.

Clay-is-on-Forte.jpgClay Aiken – the newest member of Team Forte

VampEric tells us what the criteria of judging will be but I wasn't listening.

Vamperic-no-light-in-eyes.jpgI can't get over the fact that there is no life in his eyes.

Lisa announces she will be the team leader for Team Forte. Unanimous huddles up and it sounds like no one wants to lead on the task. Aubrey decides it would be a good time to shed some biker weight and gives Paul puppy dog eyes until he agrees to take the helm. He tells them he'll do it but he'll need their help on the creative.

Nobody has stepped up to match Trump's reward, so this week it will only be $20K going to the winning team. Lisa says she decided to be a project manager because she recognizes she's one of the few people left who haven't taken home any money for their charity. Guess who the only other player is that hasn't managed to bring home the gold for their cause; Aubrey O'Day. What does that tell you about this "creative powerhouse duo"?

Team Forte is riding in a van and Lisa is looking for her second puppeteer (she'll be one, naturally). Clay informs the van that he knows how to do puppets because he did them for years in church. How cute is that? Dayana pipes up that she's been doing improv for a year and a half and Lisa's first response is to one up her that she's been doing it for twenty something years. Bitch, please. She wasn't trying to say she had more experience than you, she was just pointing out she has experience and would like to be considered. It quickly becomes apparent that Lisa will be dissing all Dayana's ideas once again.

In the Unanimous van, Teresa suggests they create one puppet that looks like Aubrey and one that looks like Arsenio. Paul chimes in to say that Aubrey does look like a puppet. Go Paul! Teresa elaborates on her idea by explaining that Aubrey's puppet would be white while Arsenio's puppet will be black. Thank goodness she made that clear.

Aubrey is concerned that there is no one on their team with comedic performance experience except "maybe Arsenio Hall." Maybe?! Then she complains that here they are with this handicap and she's not allowed to step in and take over because it will make her look like a *bleep* again.

Aubrey-in-her-domain.jpgBitch, who died and made you the rescue queen?

However, as the team sits around and figures out who is going to do what role in the task, Arsenio comes on to tell us Aubrey is being the perfect team player. She's allowing Paul to lead but contributing where needed and when asked. He wants to give her a trophy for most improved player. I have to agree – if Aubrey continues to modify her behavior to be deemed acceptable by her teammates, she is smart enough to win this whole thing.

Brian Henson and his associate arrive to explain the concept of improv to the Unanimous team. Teresa tells us that they learned the funniest bits are when you don't even know what you're talking about; it just comes out of your mouth.

Teresa-thats-me.jpgI'm going to be a natural!

At Team Forte, Lisa has noticed that the puppets are fairly general looking. Brian says it is a good idea to keep them broader because they will have to take on radically different personalities.

Clay-new-best-friend.jpgFor instance, Clay's businessman/Nixon puppet

is now performing the roll of abducted child.

As Henson is leaving, they determine that Penn will have to play the host because he's just too tall to handle the puppets. This leads to a natural discussion of who will be doing what and I'm very proud of Dayana for calling it out on the carpet that Lisa intends to give her no assignment.

Dayana-no-assignment.jpgOkay, vaca gorda, I'll just sit here until you give me something to do.

Unanimous has arrived at the Creature Shop and are starting to pick out the design for their two assigned puppet shells (a blue kermit looking thing and a yellow fuzzy thing). Teresa points out it is important to love the puppet you create, because you'll be actually playing the puppeteer with your puppet. She thinks it should be designed to reflect her true personality.

Teresa-puppett.jpgWell done!

At Forte, Dayana seems to have a real talent for designing the puppets. She's creating dresses and faces and tells Penn the hair on his puppet isn't broad enough to cover multiple characters. She's kicking ass. Lisa says having Dayana make the puppets was a good way to keep her occupied. I hate the way she talks to Dayana; "Dayana, I'm going to go work with Clay. So can you make her (the puppet) purdy and expressive and gorgeous?" It seems so condescending; she's talking to Dayana like she's a useless child. Seriously, what is Lisa's true issue with Dayana? Can it really just be boiled down to jealousy at her beauty?

Forte is building their puppets and Aubrey doesn't get it when Arsenio names his puppet Perry Winkle. Has she seriously never heard of the color before? But worse than that moment of ditz is the fact that Teresa can't come up with a name for her puppet. Her first idea is Goldilocks – for a brunette. Then she starts trying to come up with unusual names that are fabulous and tosses around Rhianna, Beyonce, etc. Finally Arsenio just says he's calling the girl Fabulina until a name is picked out and Teresa loves the name. Lots of eye rolling all around and Aubrey comes on to tell us that Lisa is picking the tackiest choices for dressing Fabulina. Teresa loves the name because it sounds like on of her cookbooks.

Aubrey recognizes that the puppets Arsenio and Teresa have created are too specific to cover a range of characters. She complains that Paul is have a lazy day and doesn't seem interested in anything. In his defense, his back did go out, but he could still hold an opinion or at least be guiding the team to follow the recommendations of the judges. Still, Aubrey is holding back from saying anything because she knows she has to be careful about how much steamrolling she does. Man, one wise sentence from Ivanka and this girl is toeing the line. Maybe Ivanka should mediate between Israel and Palestine.

Ivanka-holds-peace-talks-300x204.jpgThe Solution.

At Forte, Lisa and Clay are learning how to work the puppets. Clay is a natural (God bless church). I have a secret suspicion he'll be great at improv too.

At Unanimous, Aubrey is doing her best to manage time without seeming too domineering. She's right that the puppet building should have been assigned to one person while the performers learned about improve and puppeteering, but nothing is being done other than designing of puppets.

Paul-swivel-chair.jpgPaul is supervising the swivel chair test.

Finally they get to their war room, where the puppeteers have been waiting for them. It's painful to watch. Arsenio catches on quickly, but Teresa is having a hard time syncing her hand to move with every syllable that she speaks.

Teresa-syllable.jpg"Wait. I'm sorry, what's a syllable?"

Since she can't quite grasp that the word seven requires her to move the puppet mouth twice, they decide to have her try some nursery rhymes. She can't decide on which one to use. It sounds like maybe she doesn't know them, which is odd, since she has four kids. And so we get (mind you with badly moving puppet mouth), "Jack fell down and broke his head and Jill ran after him."

Paul-painful.jpgIt's so bad, even the guy doped out on pain meds is being tortured.

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Part 2

Condescending words start to come about such as, "bless her heart", "she's willing to try anything", and "but she's so cute".

Teresa-not-so-smart.jpgTeresa isn't winning any intelligence grants today.

Aubrey is learning about hosting and she comes on to tell us that her role is very important, as it will be a third of how they are judged. She isn't worried, though, because although she's never done this before, she usually impresses herself.

Aubrey-something-in-teeth.jpgI'm impressed no one told her she had food in her teeth before this interview!

Meanwhile, Dayana is impressing the puppet makers with her design. They tell her that she could come work with them anytime. Poor Penn is sewing horns on the other puppet and says he's sewing and simultaneously considering suicide. He also gripes no one has given him a job offer yet. But in all seriousness, he says he doesn't believe Lisa's claims in the boardroom that Dayana is useless.

Bitchy fat hag whore (that's right I called her a bitch AND a whore!) and Clay return to check on the puppets and Lisa's voice has picked up this singsong nasaly fake nice tone. I hate that more than anything. I wish Dayana would just give her one good bear paw swipe. She could totally take Lisa – all she has to do is jog around the room once and wait for Lisa to wind herself before attacking.

VampEric arrives to check on things and I'm happy to see Dayana is not pretending everything is okay. She isn't crying and pouting about Lisa, but she's also making it very clear she is unhappy. VampEric picks up on her displeasure and wonders if she's uncomfortable being on Lisa's team. I'm starting to have visions of Trump firing Lisa for being such a bitch. *sigh* Wishful thinking.

Dayana-and-puppet.jpgYeah, I made this but Lisa is still going to say I did nothing.

Clay says if he were project manager he would have been more open to finding a way to work Dayana into things. But since he's only been with the group a week, he's not sure he really understands the dynamic. He says he sees both sides of the coin. What both sides? Is he saying there is some truth to Dayana being useless? Grrrrr…..

Dayana-does-nothing.jpgSure enough, Lisa has nothing for Dayana to do.

Arsenio and Teresa are learning about the art of improve. Number one rule: don't deny. Whatever idea is thrown out there or suggested, you go with it. Remember this for later. Aubrey comes on and tells us she's not a fan of Arsenio but she acknowledges that his character is cute and he's doing a good job.

Arsenio-Brett-Michaels.jpgLooks like Arsenio channeled previous CA winner Brett Michaels for his puppet.

Teresa is terrible! When improving a cleaning supply infomercial, she adlibs that the tool in her hand is to roll Parmesan cheese onto chicken. Then when another puppet introduces her puppet as his friend Tanya, she says, "Hi Tanya!" Aubrey comes on to tell us that although Teresa is definitely trying her best, it won't be enough to win this task.

Aubrey-can-save-it-all.jpgIt's up to SuperAubrey to save the day.

I guess she better because as the puppeteers are asking Teresa to give an adjective about how she feels, and her response is, "Monsters!!!!!!" Yikes.

The next day, Team Unanimous is riding in a van over to the performance. They are trying to warm up Teresa by giving her objects that she is supposed to do free association with. Aubrey suggests pencil and Teresa hems and haws, while Arsenio spits out, "a device used to keep in gas." This goes all kinds of wrong as Teresa takes it to be a literal definition and expresses wonderment that gas nozzles are so small. Aubrey tries to explain it is a metaphor. Paul pipes in, "I thought you were talking about somebody's ass."

Team Forte is in their teeny tiny dressing room and Lisa asks the boys about their locker room at Medieval Times. She then goes on to tell them a story about Debbie Gibson taking a four alarm dump in there. Why would she say that? I can guarantee that isn't the kind of image Ms. Gibson want's out there and it is rude and disrespectful to say. Plus, who exactly is this humor supposed to appeal to; the gay guy, the quiet guy or the model who is reluctantly starting to hate you?

Clay suggests that they have Dayana help don the puppets so that she can be on stage and appear to be included in the task. Dayana tells Clay she had already offered to carry out the box of props, but that Lisa had said no. Lisa suddenly starts in on Dayana, which is ridiculous because Dayana wasn't even the one who started this discussion.

Lisa-yells-at-Dayana.jpgDayana, you just want to *bleep* the whole thing up.

Clay-good-lord.jpgGood Lord, what have I done?

Lisa keeps ranting on about how Dayana is upset that she's not on stage. But that isn't Dayana's issue. Yes she wanted to be a pupeteer, but her issue is that she hasn't been given any direction at all. Lisa just keeps getting angrier and angrier about the whole thing. I swear to God her hate for Dayana has to go back further than Dayana. Maybe she had a pretty younger sister who always got everything or she was in love with a beautiful woman who never acknowledged her presence or something.

Lisa-hate-in-eyes.jpgWhatever the reason, the hate in her eyes goes deeper than Dayana.

Clay mentions that they need to stay positive and upbeat, since they need to perform, but Lisa takes a breath to say she's a professional and can handle it before turning on Dayana once more. She finally bursts out that Dayana is a pain in the ass and she says she had to pull a task out of her ass to give to Dayana to do. She tells Dayana they didn't need her to do the puppets, but they had nothing else to give her to do.

Dayana-takes-abuse.jpgDayana handles the abuse much better than I could.

If Aubrey would like to see what bullying is, she should check back in with her BFF who is being so mean and shouting shut up to Dayana that Dayana finally walks out. I can't believe with all the abuse she has suffered at the hands of Fatinelli that this is the first time she has broken into tears. She tells us that all she ever does is treat Lisa far better than Lisa treats anyone else. And she's absolutely right.

Dayana-upset.jpg"Lisa has no decency or respect."

Back in their dressing room, Lisa is trying a new tactic. Now she all choked up and fighting back tears and berating the rest of her teammates for not standing up for her and defending her choice to be an absolute horrific bully to Dayana. It's a last ditch effort to hope she's pretty enough to sway the boys with her tears. It's an odd sort of plea, it's almost as if she's begging to realize how unfair and awful she is being but she can't help herself and so she's bleating for support.

Lisa-bitch.jpgClay wonders if Lisa is feeling threatened by how stunning Dayana is.

Poor Penn and Clay. They are trapped by Lisa's bizarre ranting and demand for back up. Penn finally escapes by saying he will go talk to Dayana. I am astounded at how insistent Lisa is at keeping Dayana out of the spotlight.

Penn-listens-to-Dayana.jpgIf Penn has to listen to a woman bitch, might as well be a pretty one.

It's show time for Forte and although Lisa is the comedienne it appears Clay is the one who steals the show. He has great comic timing and is a very quick thinker.

Clay-best-puppeteer.jpgEat your heart out Lisa, you weren't the star

of the show, despite sidelining Dayana.

Team Unanimous is up next and Aubrey will be the first to tell you how stunning and amazing she was as the world's best host. It's clear the puppet company is lending a little more professional support for this team, as they do the first sketch with just Arsenio and a professional and they bring in Teresa in an ensemble piece for the second sketch.

Teresa-bad-puppet.jpgSadly, nothing will help cover how bad she is at this.

As the skit takes off with Teresa entering a therapy session to talk with Johnny Appleseed, she tells the Dr. that nothing is wrong with her and tells him he's not Johnny Appleseed, forcing another puppeteer to step in as the main character. Remember that cardinal rule to never deny another person's suggestion? It becomes clear as the audience goes dead and the energy stalls why it is you never kill another person's suggestion. It's a good thing professionals are working with them as nothing else would be able to save poor Teresa. But still, she gets kudos for even giving this a try – improv is hard and scary stuff!

Aubrey tells us that she actually had fun being a team player and she knows she and Arsenio did a great job and everyone loved Teresa, so her hopes are high that they won.

The judges meet with VampEric and tell him that they thought for Unanimous, Aubrey was a highlight with her skill at ending the sketches on a high note. They thought Arsenio's performance was solid but the noticed that Teresa broke the rules alot. For Forte they thought Lisa was great, as expected but they were surprised at how good Clay turned out to be. The problem was that they got a little too bow-chick-a-bow-wow in one of their sketches (I don't think we got to see it). They said nice things about Penn but they think he fell victim to forgetting he was the host and sometimes let the sketches run a little too long.

Boardroom Time

Trump starts out with team Forte and asks Dayana how it was working with Lisa. She tells him that it is like everyone who works with Lisa until she explodes. She tells him that Lisa was an okay project manager but not great. Then he asks Lisa what she thought of Dayana and she says not much. Remember that.

A discussion ensues about the casting for the team and everyone agrees that the casting was well done. Dayana asserts her issue was never that she had to be on stage, it was simply that she wanted to be used, rather than sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else rehearse. Sparky then asks Lisa why she said Dayana was bad if she was just left on the sidelines unused and Lisa corrects him saying she didn't say Dayana was bad. She says she wasn't yet asked what she thought how anyone did. Ummmm…. see last paragraph. Sounds like bitch is about to do some damage control because she's finally listening to the concerns Dayana has been trying to vocalize all along.

Since her usual argument that Dayana is useless isn't going to fly based on the preesent discussion, she tries to spin her Dayana slander in a different direction.

Lisa-spins-in-boardroom.jpgIt's insulting that Dayana thinks comedy is so easy.

WTF is wrong with this bitch? When has Dayana ever said that? I have seriously had it with Lisa Lampanelli and I will rejoice the day her evil soul is eliminated from this show.

Finally, Dayana is able to eloquently explain the problem with Lisa. She says she is amazed at the level of aggression and disrespect Lisa displays towards others and she thinks it is unprofessional to ever be that way to her own teammates. Finally, damaging honest words that may do Lisa in. Please fire her, Mr Trump!

Lisa recognizes her comeuppance and when asked by Trump who she'll bring back to the boardroom, she starts to choke up.

Lisa-maybe-no-one-comes-back.jpgI'm not sure if I will bring anyone back.

What the hell is this? Now she's crying? Is this some kind of tactic or is she just bat shit crazy? She tells Trump that she may not bring anyone back because she got into this business to be funny and make people laugh, not to make women cry.

Lisa-not-a-villain.jpgI don't want to be a villain for my strong opinions.

Trump assures her that she is going to go down as a much nicer person that the world currently understands after this show. Ummm…..

Lisa-remorseful.jpgNot likely, bitch! It's a little too late for remorse.

Trump turns to Unanimous next and asks Paul if he thinks they won. He must be on some delicious pain meds, because he honestly believes they did win. But that doesn't stop him from reluctantly naming Teresa as a weak player on the team. Ivanka points out that Paul is to be commended for managing the task despite his physical condition which leads to a discussion of how well he did.

Aubrey is surprisingly supportive and diplomatic in her answer and never outright says the man did nothing. She is definitely redeeming herself this week and getting back to the girl I was beginning to admire in the beginning.

Aubrey-looks-fake.jpgIf she keeps this up, she will be class valedictorian.

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Part 3

Sparky asks Eric what the judges thought about the two teams.

Vamperic-lips-match-tie.jpgI'm creeped out that his lips match his tie.

The only thing of interest that he points out (for me) is that Dayana's puppet was so good, they would use it in their own show. Try to call her useless now, Lisa.

Trump announces Forte is the winning team and now Lisa is so choked up she can barely squeak out that her winning chairty is Gay Men's Health Crisis. This girl goes from 0 – 60 at a rather alarmingly fast rate. Perhaps there is a diagnosis for her extremes in mood. My guess: Rapid Cycling BiPolar Disorder.

Trump dismisses the Forte team and they head out the door.

Boys-are-still-friends.jpgSee that Aubrey? The boys are still BFF's.

As they are walking out the door, my classy Dayana rubs Lisa on the back and congratulates her on her win. Dear God, Lisa if you're worried about someone's image being destroyed by this show, you might want to check a mirror. You are picking on the nicest person on the show.

It's been so long since Forte won, Dayana says she forgot what champagne tasted like and Lisa doesn't even know how to turn on the tv to watch the showdown that is about to start. Ha!

Clay-teaches-Lisa.jpgBeing an expert at winning, Clay shows Lisa how it's done.

My favorite part is when Lisa toasts to the Gay Men's Health Crises and Clay toasts to gay men in general. There is nothing better than seeing people happy with exactly who they are. Clay was in the closet for a long time, and it is such a shame when people have to hide their true essence. Seeing his big smile and making that toast is a glorious thing!

Back in the boardroom, apparently one of the big complaints that Sparky wants to focus on is that the puppets were too complex to be able to play multiple personalities. Arsenio owns up that he made a rocker puppet which did box him in and limit his character's ability to play parts such as a news anchor or a pharmacist. Teresa tells Sparky they all had input on the puppets and the final approval went to Paul. He responds that Teresa kept compounding her puppet's accesories and making it more and more complicated. It sure looks like it will come down to our dullest member and our dumbest member fighting for survival.

Unanimous-in-boardroom.jpgIs Paul really this short or is it the bad back?

After a back and forth about who is slower (Teresa or Paul), Sparks asks Aubrey who she thinks would be the stronger competitor to keep going forward. Aubs has been diplomatic up to this point but here she has to point out in the best way possible that Teresa is not a quick thinker on her feet. I actually think Teresa is a quick thinker. In my opinion, her problem is that she is not a quick decision maker and she gets confused with all the rapid thoughts running through her head at the same time. In any event, when Sparks asks Aubrey if Teresa is a valuable member, the girl never out right says yes but instead says she loves Teresa and everyone on their team has value. To me that pretty much means Teresa isn't a valuable member, but we all know that anyway.

Arsenio, of course, says he thinks Paul is the more valuable member to keep going forward.

When asked who he will not be calling back to the boardroom, Paul picks Arsenio. Aubrey is visibly pissed, as she should be – she was flawless on this task. My husband points out as they go to commercial that Paul just made a fatal error. Now Aubrey and Teresa will gang up to send Paul home and Arsenio had a weakness with his puppet design.

When the three are called back into the boardroom, Aubrey tells Trump she's pulling the Dayana card; there is no reason for her to be there. Paul agrees that she did a phenomenal job and Trump keeps focusing on the fact that Arsenio made an error and Paul failed to bring him back to the boardroom.

Things are getting boring so I started checking out the dresses on the women.

Aubrey-in-dress-300x282.jpgAubrey's is lovely, but Teresa's looks like those

rosette ribbons you win at a county fair.

Finally after untold minutes killing time asking the same questions over and over again, Trump tells Paul that he was the project manager, he brought back the wrong person and he is fired. This is not a big surprise.

Paul-leaves.jpgGood-bye Paul Sr! You were a person I grew to love on the show.

Wish I could say the same for Lisa.

Ivanka-looking-forward-to-Paul-meat.jpgMmmmm… biker meat. Am I drooling?

Vamperic-needs-color.jpgNo fair. Dad! You promised I could have him.

trump-wll-keep-paul.jpgCool it, both of you. Those chopper sandwiches are all mine!

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