Caregiver Issues

[jmh123]

The Alzheimer's Society has been a huge help to me. I just looked them up on line and called, and two different people talked to me for long periods. I went to their offices and they gave me all kinds of resources and referrals, but mostly just helped me to see that I wasn't alone, and a lot of my problems, others have had as well. Get this--their office is two blocks from my Mom's and I never knew they were there. There are support groups for people in this situation, and special support groups for daughters, even. Lilyshine has helped me a lot, so I hope she'll have some ideas too.

Something you said really clicked with me. I had to come to a hard realization, an acceptance--that my mother is not capable of caring about me, or being aware of my needs. It's all about her. And she's whack. Once I accepted that, it was easier somehow, though sometimes still sad. I'm so fortunate that I don't have to pay anything for her care, as that would just add so much to the burden and I can't even imagine how hard that is, and there is no troublesome boyfriend, although we get our share of advantage-takers--but nothing like that.

Another thing--you just have to say "no" and take care of your own needs. You just have to. It will suck you in completely if you let it.

Oh, and one more. You can't fix this. Do what you can to improve the situation, but don't expect yourself to be able to make the whole situation OK. It's too much to ask of yourself, and there will be situations you just can't make 100% OK.

I guess the main thing is to just to give you huge hugs--I so understand, and this is so hard. Dealing with my mother's dementia and all the ways it affects other parts of my life is the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life by far. It has changed my entire life. Keep us posted, and if you don't get enough answers quick, post again and we'll keep trying.

[ldyjocelyn]

{{{{{{{muski}}}}}}

And I think that jmh has some wise words for you.

[annabear]

{{{{muski}}}} Ditto to what ldyj said about jmh's advice.

While in NY last week, we spent a day with a friend & her mother, who has Alzheimers. She has two sisters & one brother, but she happens to be the one who lives near their mom. The others are living in denial, so she's become the caregiver. Definitely contact the Alzheimer's Society in your area. Our friend has gotten very involved this past year and was actually just asked to become a speaker for the chapter in her area. Now, realizing that your life situation is different since you've got children and a career going on, but hopefully they can help you find some peace of mind.

[muskifest]

THank you, everybody. :F_05BL17blowkiss: I did go online and checked out some info about Alzheimers and there are places nearby....so it's just taking that first step.

I went this morning to Mom's place and she was sitting downstairs with Bob and his two sisters. I met them and then excused Mom and me so I could help her with a shower and shampoo. Of course, Mom acted as though nothing had ever happened. She just kept apologizing for breaking Carrie's lamp while she was at our place (She slept in Carrie's bed and couldn't figure out how to turn off the lamp.)...and then saying how much she loved me and 'what would I do without you' and all that. She again showed me the bruises on her arm from falling in the shower a couple of weeks ago, but didn't accept that they were from a fall. She's just sure they're some horrible rash or some disease and denied that she'd fallen.

This time as I was helping her and she went on and on about how the staff always steals all her stuff (powder and make up and deodorant, etc), I just kept my mouth shut and gave her her powder and make up and deodorant, etc. She started calling Bob's sisters names and cussing about them and I did stop her there, but was able to do it calmly this time. I just said "They seemed fine to me, Mom. I don't think they are trying to be mean to you."

Anyway, thank you. I agree that this passage in my life is the most challenging so far. And the additional financial threat only compounds the stress---on me and my husband. I'm not sure the Alzheimer's support groups can do much about that, unfortunately.

[jmh123]

There is one thing--if your mother ever was married to a man who was a veteran, there is some assistance available from the VA. Don't know much about this, but worth looking into if it fits. If she's doesn't have enough money to pay for her own care, she definitely qualifies financially.

You have to be "the surviving spouse ... of the deceased veteran" so divorce may make her ineligible.

• The VETERANS' AID AND ATTENDANCE SPECIAL PENSION

INTRODUCTION TO THE VETERANS' AID AND ATTENDANCE SPECIAL PENSION

The Veterans' Administration offers a Special Pension with Aid and Attendance (A&A) benefit that is largely unknown. This Special Pension (part of the VA Improved Pension program) allows for Veterans and surviving spouses who require the regular attendance of another person to assist in eating, bathing, dressing, undressing or taking care of the needs of nature to receive additional monetary benefits. It also includes individuals who are blind or a patient in a nursing home because of mental or physical incapacity. Assisted care in an assisted living facility also qualifies.

This most important benefit is overlooked by many families with Veterans or surviving spouses who need additional monies to help care for ailing parents or loved ones. This is a "pension benefit" and is not dependent upon service-related injuries for compensation. Most Veterans who are in need of assistance qualify for this pension. Aid and Attendance can help pay for care in the home, nursing home or assisted living facility. A Veteran is eligible for up to $1,519 per month, while a surviving spouse is eligible for up to $976 per month. A couple is eligible for up to $1,801 per month*.

The Aid and Attendance Benefit is considered to be the third tier of a VA program called Improved Pension. The other two tiers are Basic and Housebound. Each tier has its own level of benefits and qualifications. ... If you or your loved one does not qualify for Aid and Attendance, you may want to check to see if you qualify for another level of the Pension.

what to expect when applying, what materials are needed

VA site about the VA pension

Spouse and child pension

[Couch Tomato]

Yay my mom was approved for paratransit! whew!

[ldyjocelyn]

YAY couchie! One less thing to worry about!

[annabear]

I just Googled 'paratransit' and that sounds like great news - yay for MamaCouchie!

[djs111]

I guess this is the right thread - my son and grandson live with me, my son has severe issues with panic attacks and is almost a recluse (I just found a really cheap source for clonopin, he has no insurance, and the clonopin will help), and my grandson is pretty over-the-top ADHD, and his mother never quite bonded with him, and is content to just talk on the phone with him every few weeks and goes for months with no contact. I do get a bit weary at times. I get no help. Anyways, jacob's other grandmother arrived for a visit, she lives in Colorado, ad never sends cards or presents or calls or anything. She took Jacob out to dinner last night (he is 13, I have had him here since he was 6) and when she brought him back she says "Chrissie (his mom) and I want to thank you so much for taking such good care of our boy".

I almost leaped through the air to pummel her - I said he's my boy too! Has anyone else ever had this reaction - like I feel I will honestly almost fall apart if Jacob goes to live somewhere else! Even though he drives me nuts sometimes? Is it hard to stop being a caregiver?

[Couch Tomato]

I guess this is the right thread - my son and grandson live with me, my son has severe issues with panic attacks and is almost a recluse (I just found a really cheap source for clonopin, he has no insurance, and the clonopin will help), and my grandson is pretty over-the-top ADHD, and his mother never quite bonded with him, and is content to just talk on the phone with him every few weeks and goes for months with no contact. I do get a bit weary at times. I get no help. Anyways, jacob's other grandmother arrived for a visit, she lives in Colorado, ad never sends cards or presents or calls or anything. She took Jacob out to dinner last night (he is 13, I have had him here since he was 6) and when she brought him back she says "Chrissie (his mom) and I want to thank you so much for taking such good care of our boy".

I almost leaped through the air to pummel her - I said he's my boy too! Has anyone else ever had this reaction - like I feel I will honestly almost fall apart if Jacob goes to live somewhere else! Even though he drives me nuts sometimes? Is it hard to stop being a caregiver?

Ahhh... all I know is that being a caregiver has brought out all kinds of emotions in me. Some of them aren't pretty either. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed (not lately thank goodness!). I somestimes feel taken for granted as she heeps praise on my sister when she does the tiniest thing for her. I'm like..HELLO..I'm here. I feel like Patsy during the I'm All Alone number. LOL. Anyway, you are entitled to your feelings... but I'm glad you didn't choke her. hee.

[jmh123]

:F_05BL17blowkiss:

[jazzgirl]

This seems like it would fit here with problems others are having; it's an "Exhausted Caregiver" Q&A from Salon.com (if you click on the link, the "letters" written in response are also a good read).

Jun. 04, 2008 | Dear Cary:

The last six months of my life have become a living nightmare. I had already been taking care of my elderly parents, who live near me. My mother suffers from early midstage Alzheimer's and my father has a myriad of ills that include diabetes, neuropathy and mild depression. We have an aide for them who comes during the day, but all of the emotional caretaking, the doctor's arrangements, the errands etc. fall to me. My sister lives in another country, and my niece is about to get married and is a typical work-driven busy person.

In November, my husband suffered a stroke. His physical state has somewhat improved over these months, but he has been left with aphasia and some cognitive diminution. He is in a subacute nursing facility, and our great hope is that he will be home by the end of the summer.

I am completely and totally overwhelmed by everything I need to be doing for him and for my parents. In addition, prior to his stroke, my husband became involved in a long, drawn-out legal case that continues unabated, costing me legal fees and much concern for our financial status.

Last, and greatest of all, I feel like I have lost my husband, my mother and to some extent my father. They are alive, we are a loving family, but our relationships will never be the same. It is agonizing to try to parse what my husband is saying, and he can't be of any help to me in dealing with our legal/financial crisis. They are all completely dependent on me.

Friends and family are sporadically concerned, but I have never felt so lonely in my life. I feel like I have ceased to exist as an autonomous being. My time, my energy and my thoughts are taken up with providing medical care and emotional attention, filling out forms, talking to bureaucrats and medical people, and trying to provide them with somewhat of a social life. My husband comes home on the weekends and by Sunday night, I am completely drained. I have an aide two hours a day on Saturday and Sunday, but I get very little sleep, as he needs to be changed usually twice a night. On Monday I am close to catatonic and usually don't recover until Wednesday.

Coincidentally, I had been between jobs when my husband took ill and I have not been able to sustain a consistent, concerted effort to get a job. I find that my mental energy is depleted for anything but what I have to do each day. Also, the job market for 49-year-old women is not exactly stellar right now, despite all the articles about employers looking for older, steadier employees.

I am in mourning for my husband, my parents and my life. And I am sad and angry at how alone I am, how unfocused and meaningless my life feels.

I am not a religious person and I feel like I have no cushion, no support and nothing to fall back on. I can't continue to live like this. I feel like my life is over.

How do I regain myself? Do I even exist anymore?

Undone

Dear Undone,

Yes, you do exist. I know you exist because you wrote me this letter. But you are exhausted. You are so exhausted that you have begun to doubt your own reality. That is understandable. We cook, we play tennis, we teach. We have roles. When we play our roles, we remember who we are. When for some reason we cannot play these roles, when the people we play them with are not available, and when we are exhausted by endless work and emotional ups and downs, we feel lost. We used to cook, play tennis and teach. Now we change blankets, deliver medicines, mediate, schedule, run errands, make appointments, deliver patients to appointments, keep watch, administer pills, prepare meals, clean, do laundry, get people up in the morning and put them to bed at night, plan their days, listen to their woes, explain them to others, apologize for them, help them walk, keep them from danger. In the midst of all this we ask, Where is the person we were?

We have to get that other person back. But there does not seem to be time. Our former life seems like a luxury, an indulgence, when every task is urgent. We think we can handle it. We shove our needs aside. We think we can manage. But soon we are lost. We are exhausted. That is what happens.

So there are many things you need to do. You need to get more help. You need to get more rest. You can't fix this all at once. But you can start with small steps.

For some of the things you need to do, you only need a minute or two. What about these errands you are running? The time between when you leave the house on an errand and when you return can be yours. You can take some of that time. You can pull off the road. You can take a detour. You can claim five minutes, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour, for your own. Say you are driving to the pharmacy. Take the long route that goes through the forest. Pull off the road in the forest. Turn off the engine. Sit in your car. Breathe. Get out of your car. Make sure you have your keys in your hand. Lock the door. Walk into the forest and stand in the forest under the trees, breathing, listening for the sound of birds. Take a few minutes in the forest. Breathe. Or take the route that goes by the river or the ocean or a lake. Sit down by this body of water. Look at the water. Take five minutes. Look at your watch. If it is 10 after, stay there, sitting, until 15 after.

Take the time you need. Your body needs this.

You need a program of self-care. If you belong to a gym, take a detour to the gym and spend 20 minutes exercising. Get in the sauna or whirlpool. Take this time for yourself.

See your doctor. Have your blood pressure taken and check your nutrition. Ask your doctor if there are physical signs of the increased stress you are under.

Ask everyone for help. Ask your caregivers, ask the agencies that provide them, ask your parents' doctors, ask your insurance company, ask your friends, ask your niece, ask your sister: Ask everyone for help.

Get more respite care.

You say you are not a religious person and have nothing to fall back on. That has got to change. You don't have to get religion. But you have to get support. No, "support" doesn't sound right. Not support. Power. Aid. Workers. Labor expended on your behalf to your tangible benefit. That is what you need. You need human power marshaled on your behalf. You need more people with shovels. That is what people sometimes do not understand: An overwhelmed caregiver does not need sympathy or emotional support as much as she needs tangible aid.

You need emotional support as well. You do not have to be religious to take seriously the need for emotional support.

Consider these suggestions. Yes, they come from a Catholic organization. You do not have to be religious to understand the common sense in these words. You can also find emotional support in other places. If it is possible to join a group of other caregivers, do so.

Take concrete steps, even aggressive steps, to involve your niece. Pick her up and take her with you on errands. Pick her up and take her with you to your parents' house. Just involve her. Put her in the car. That way you will not feel so very, very alone. Also, if you can, get help with case management. Identify things you are doing that are case management functions -- and see if you can turn them over to caregivers or nurses.

Oh, and, three, see if by concentrating on caring for your father, you can increase your father's ability to care for your mother. That is, try to cut back on emotional care-giving and concentrate on tangible tasks.

Take care of yourself. Find moments in the day. Carve out time for yourself. Get yourself back.

[KAndre]

Muski, I saw this article on Slate and thought of your mom...

[muskifest]

Muski, I saw this article on Slate and thought of your mom...

Whoa.

Luckily, the closest I've come to 'seeing' anything was dropping in on Mom and her answering the door with just a cotton 'housecoat' on, barely buttoned and showing clearly that she was wearing nothing underneath. Bob was in bed.

Interesting, too. Because lately, Bob's mental state seems to have been deteriorating pretty fast and Mom's talked about how his family wants to 'take him away'. She said to me, "I've never loved a man like I love him. If he leaves I guess I'll have to go somewhere else, too."

I said, "Where, Mom? Why would you need to go to a different place?"

She looked at me as if I just had to be the slowest brain on the planet. "Well, for crying out loud. All the memories. I couldn't be around all these people and things here if he's not here, too. I'd go crazy."

I don't know if Bob is 'with it' enough to understand the importance of my mom in his life, but I surely know my mother believes him to be an ESSENTIAL thing in hers. As much as there are things about this relationship that bother me (mostly things like him always being in HER room, messing it up with HIS things, and the tendency of Mom to not be as careful about her hygiene when they're contantly together because HE isn't mindful of his own cleanliness), I can't fault that my mom, at 87, seems to be 'in love'...

How can I begrudge her that?

Thanks for that article, KAndre... :F_05BL17blowkiss:

And thank you, too, jazzgirl. That article you posted reminded me just how lucky I am to have the support I DO have---an amazing husband who really is a partner in all the responsibility and (at least for now--until we end up in the poor house!) the ability to have Mom in another place where there's always someone around to help her if she needs it. There's always someone in worse straits, isn't there?

[jazzgirl]

And thank you, too, jazzgirl. That article you posted reminded me just how lucky I am to have the support I DO have---an amazing husband who really is a partner in all the responsibility and (at least for now--until we end up in the poor house!) the ability to have Mom in another place where there's always someone around to help her if she needs it. There's always someone in worse straits, isn't there?

True, it is helpful to count your blessings, and as you said, how can you begrudge an 87 year old mother in love? As for the poor house, what jumped out at me in that rather touching article was the private nurse that the man's family hired in addition to having the patient in the nursing home. I had heard about that extra layer of protection before and those fortunate few able to afford that level of care, as that likely doubles (at least!) the normal nursing home fees.

[Couch Tomato]

Ahhhh my mom just called me to tell me that she was invited to go with my sister and her family on 4th of July..actually going thursday through saturday but she doesn't want to leave me. BWAH..no maaa..gooooooooooooo have fun!! heeee Oh then I called my sis to thank her and she said I could come to..but of course I declined most graciously.

PARTY OVER HERE!

Sometimes you just need a break as much as you love them.

[jmh123]

Ahhhh my mom just called me to tell me that she was invited to go with my sister and her family on 4th of July..actually going thursday through saturday but she doesn't want to leave me. BWAH..no maaa..gooooooooooooo have fun!! heeee Oh then I called my sis to thank her and she said I could come to..but of course I declined most graciously.

PARTY OVER HERE!

Sometimes you just need a break as much as you love them.

Woot! Woot!

[muskifest]

Not really expecting or requesting responses, but I just have to vent.

Just went to my mom's. Haven't been there in a week. Tried to call a couple of times, but never got her in her room, and one time when I called the front desk the bitchy person there said she knew Mom was in the living room downstairs but since she (the clerk) was alone at the desk, she couldn't get her to come to the phone. I dropped by on Friday, too, but they were having some sort of "Elders" discussion, so I left before she could see me.

Today, after spending a couple of hours with Alex at the DMV while she took her driver's test, I came home and organized the two kids to do some housework. Then I needed to go to Costco to load up on some basics. I took Friday and today off and so this is a rare time I can actually make it to Costco. But I needed to get back in time to get to Mom's and help her shower and clean up because some old neighbors of ours told me they'd like to go see her around four or so. So I told mom earlier today that I'd be there around 3:15 or so to help her shower in time for her 'company'.

I hadn't been to Costco in forever and I'd forgotten how much 'fun' it can be---just pushing a cart around the aisles, looking at all the stuff I don't really need, whittling the choices down to the bare essentials in order to get out for under $200! ....got hot dogs for the crew at home, etc....treated myself to a choc/vanilla swirl frozen yogurt there and then realized I'd left my watch at home....checked my phone's clock and it was 3:45!

Shit.

So I rush home, unload the crap, change cars with hubby since the softball team gear was in the Camry's trunk (and that was the car Alex had wanted to take her driver's test in, instead of the van)...and rushed over to Mom's. Now dinner is served at 5 pm SHARP there and of course, almost everyone's already there by 4 pm, waiting. I got there and then the fun began.

She challenged me as soon as I got there. Mom has Alzheimer's and it's progressing. "Everyone's stealing all my things. The bitches. Can't leave anything around or they'll take it. Why don't you just forget about me and let me die. I don't care if I smell bad. WHo the hell cares?" (I do, Mom.)..."I don't have any clean clothes because they take them all. I don't have time for this---I have to go downstairs and write somebody a note. I'm supposed to go somewhere, damn it, why are you here?"

The room smelled so bad---because Bob basically lives in it and has his clothes draped everywhere and he doesn't keep himself or his clothes clean and the room smelled like him and I hate it. I grabbed the air freshener and sprayed and Mom got mad at me for that, too. So I just forced her to take a shower, I helped wash her hair, I gathered up all her clothes---she had slacks and shirts and socks stuffed everywhere (which, of course, is why she accuses of people stealing her things--she forgets where she puts them) and they all smelled like dirty, musty old man---like Bob. Her sheets and blankets, everything smelled like that. I stripped the bed and got her clothes and brought them home to wash.

She didn't like what I was doing with her hair---she took the brush out of my hand and plastered it down and told me to just leave it alone. It looked awful. And then while we were standing there in front of the mirror, she suddenly looked at me and said, "What would I do without you? Every night I thank God I have you...what would I do?" And then she just as suddenly said, "I don't have TIME for this. I've GOT to get downstairs!"...and then she told me it looked awful that I was carrying her dirty clothes out the door...

I took the clothes to the car and went back to say bye. She was back in 'her chair' in the living area and had messed up her hair and said to me, 'How do you like my hair NOW?" and gave me a challenging look.

I just said, "I liked it the way I brushed it, but you want it this way so I'm sure that's how it will stay. I gotta go, Mom. Bye."

So now...Kenny and Carrie are at softball practice, Alex is at her job and I'm sitting here bawling while I type this. This was one of my 'days off'. The first one, Friday, was spent first---finding out that from one of Carrie's teachers that she'd basically been lying to me and Kenny about doing her homework and projects and then second---looking for Carrie after she decided she'd just leave without saying anything because she was 'unhappy', etc.

I don't think I'll take any more days 'off'. I go back to 'work' tomorrow. And it will feel like a vacation.

You know, I just said a couple of posts upthread that I KNOW I'm luckier than so many others. I know so many have worse conditions/circumstances/challenges in their own lives and so I do sometimes feel bad about crying or bitching or 'feeling sorry for myself'....but sometimes....sometimes....I just can't not cry, you know?

And that's all I'll say about that. Shadow's looking at me with sad eyes. He's being so sweet but I know he needs his walk...I'll get my iPod and listen to Clay while I walk him. That should help, I think.

[Couch Tomato]

Words sometimes aren't enough Muski. Just sending you a hug. What an insidious thing this alzheimers is. I guess because it as an assisted living facility they can't do a thing about Bob living in her room?

[playbiller]

This is probably the worst you will have it - you are a 'sandwich' woman right now taking care of parents and children and holding down a job and a home. There is only so much of you to go around. Remember to save yourself first. if you don't save yourself, you can't help anyone else. So often people put themselves on the bottom of the list instead of the first. Take care.

[annabear]

[ldyjocelyn]

{{{{{{Muski}}}}}}

And I second playbiller's advice -- make sure to have some "you" time!

[jmh123]

I can relate to the bath thing--it's a constant battle with my mother. My brother-in-law called this afternoon and said she's written in her calendar that she had a bath when you were there Saturday (which did not happen) so I talk to her and I talk to him and I talk to her and I think about driving over there to make her take a bath but I say eff it, and he says he'll make her do it Wednesday, and she promises she'll do it Wednesday. She calls again later to ask what was all the calling about. I was really firm with her, and very forthright about what the problem is. I tell her I'm sorry to be nagging her but that's just the way it is.

Something that struck me last night. When my mother was my age, she had three teenagers and both her parents living in our house. Her father had dementia and pooped everywhere and her mother was mean and ungrateful. I guess she's paid her dues.

Anyway, muski, :F_05BL17blowkiss: You are braver and kinder than you know.

[muskifest]

Thanks for the hugs, y'all. :F_05BL17blowkiss: Something universal that I continue to struggle with is the accountability for my own happiness. I can choose to concentrate on the challenges in a negative way or I can make myself the best I can be, in which case I will be able to handle the challenges in a more positive way.

I KNOW this. I've LIVED it.

RIght now I'm in a down cycle re: my own self image, health, fitness, focus, motivation, etc., so that the things that ARE my life---that are the less desired but immutable truths of my life---deliver bigger wallops than they do when I'm stronger as an individual.

In the past that has meant that I've worked on being healthy and fit; I've worked towards finding a healthy weight; I've been physically active and have actually gotten to the place where I WANTED to be active on a regular basis because it made me FEEL good; I've been engaged in something meaningful or fulfilling for MYSELF---something other than being a mother or wife or daughter or meetings manager---For example, the same year I 'discovered' Clay, I had reached a low in self esteem and health and had just started Weight Watchers with a friend. By Fall of 2003 I'd also started going to Jazzercize classes regularly and was riding my bicycle around my little town daily. I also started writing.

Yeah, I know it wasn't Pulitzer Prize stuff--it was only fan fiction about Clay, but I felt rejuvenated! I'd always had an love of writing in my single days, but hadn't done anything in years an years. Suddenly the muse wouldn't let me stop! I was handwriting in spiral notebooks (heh) until I bit the bullet and bought my very first laptop! Then I was ALWAYS writing--- on the bus to and from work and in Starbucks and in the car while waiting for one daughter or the other at some activity or the other. I loved it. I lost 56 pounds in 12 months and made new friends through my 'new' discovery---Clay Aiken message boards!

I was always moving---walking, biking, Jazzercize---I had energy and felt like smiling a lot. Of course, I wasn't working full time, either. :glare:

Since late 2004 I've regained 30 of those 50 pounds and I'm pretty sure it's been a year at least since I've really exercised in any committed way. I work more than 40 hours a week and drink too much. I eat the wrong foods and my lack of energy reflects that. I feel old and tired most of the time and my lifetime struggle with depression (even with medication) has become more difficult. I have less patience with my kids, my mom and even with my husband.

I know these cycles. My life has BEEN these cycles. I WANT to get my ass in gear again---literally and figuratively---but I haven't found the 'switch' yet. There's always been a 'switch' that seemed to click and then...I was ready to effect change for myself.

So I know that whatever Carrie or my Mom or work or anything throws at me these days seems much more impossible than it needs to be, merely because I haven't done all I can to 'be ready' for it---to face it and deal with it because I'm strong and 'armed' with the things that come from being 'good' to myself.

Right now, being good to myself equals "treating" myself to another glass of wine or a bowl of ice cream or an evening of doing nothing but messing around on the message boards.

Hardly a prescription for fitness, huh?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

That's just for those who might still be reading this tome of self absorption.

Alex just got home so I'll go to bed now. Even though I do trust her, it's early in this game of having a newly licensed daughter who drives herself to and from her activities, you know? Still feel better knowing she's home...

Goodnight, folks. You guys and this thread are a helluva lot cheaper than psychotherapy, ain't it?

[jmh123]

I know these cycles. My life has BEEN these cycles. I WANT to get my ass in gear again---literally and figuratively---but I haven't found the 'switch' yet. There's always been a 'switch' that seemed to click and then...I was ready to effect change for myself.

This is me too. I can so relate to this. For me, the biggest fear in my life has always been having to take care of my mother, so I had to start living my worst fear. Or I thought that was my worst fear, and now I think it's that I will become my mother. I think I'm better at the first these days, don't have a handle at all on the second. My mother has literally spent the last 20, 25 years of her life in a funk, sitting in her chair all day worrying and feeling sorry for herself. It's like she never found that switch the last time.