#45: He Owns Us...

[jmh123]

Smitten, any tips for the reluctant bather/groomer? It's an endless battle getting my mom to allow/cooperate/participate in her grooming. There's no physical reason. It apparently is common with Alzheimer's. Have you had Alzheimer's patients? Did you have ways of getting them to want to be clean? As you say, it used to matter very much. Now my mother is insistent that it does not.

Muski, I'll bet she remembered the chocolates. The most memory challenged thing my mother did today was ask my brother what her cellphone was. It was as if she'd never seen it before, talking about us dragging into the modern world and so forth (she has a laptop which she can still work and has had a computer since 1985. She used to use the cellphone all the time, but she has a hard time now dialing even the regular phone.) Anyway, he showed her how to use it--we'll see if she remembers.

But, the alert part--she was dressed when we got there. When I walked in, first thing she said was "I don't like how that matches" (my clothes). That's her old self that we don't see much anymore. Then she said, "What's Trader Joes?" because it was on a bag I brought in. She noticed I was wearing a ring my father gave her long ago--she'd asked me awhile back if she gave it to me, couldn't remember, so I wore it. Often in the mornings she can barely speak words, so she was definitely aware and ready for Christmas.

My brother decided he wanted to write down all the stories she tells over and over, so I was prompting her to tell all the ones I've heard many times. One scary thing, my brother told me the same story three times--once last night on the phone and twice today. He's only 60. I have wondered sometimes if my mom had Alzheimers a lot long than we realized. We thought she was just eccentric, since all of us are in one way or another. After my father died she did great for a year or two, and then she just got odd. But like Clay said at the JNT06, Greensboro, I think, "They embrace their craziness; this is the South." But she was already 78 then, not 60. I do remember my father saying he couldn't let her wash the dishes anymore because she wouldn't do it right. Some of her oddities had to do with food and kitchen hygiene. She used to cook for us back then and we would joke that the only reason it didn't kill us was because it was our mom. And she's 95 now so it didn't kill her either. But she did some funny stuff. Of course, when she was a girl they didn't have all that fancy kitchen stuff like refrigeration. Maybe she just reverted. She is like a kid (with a bad memory), just going slowly backwards towards babyhood, and yet also an intelligent, dignified woman with a lifetime of experiences who used to be the boss of me, but now I have to (gently) try to be the boss of her. And she still manages to live on her own (with a lot of help), by virtue of sheer determination and fortitude and habitual reserves.

[smittenwithclay]

Smitten, any tips for the reluctant bather/groomer? It's an endless battle getting my mom to allow/cooperate/participate in her grooming. There's no physical reason. It apparently is common with Alzheimer's. Have you had Alzheimer's patients? Did you have ways of getting them to want to be clean? As you say, it used to matter very much. Now my mother is insistent that it does not.

yes, this is another problem that we run into, technically at least in Oregon it goes against residents rights to force them to take a shower, often times its easier to coax some people into the shower, then others...those that are in the beginning of alzheimers and still exercise their free will (which is completely their right) the thing that I can suggest, and I know this may not be possible..is if you can be there on her shower day (if you don't know what day that is, they would know at the nurses station) and try to talk her into it..its not your job, but sometimes its easier for family to get them to do things then the aids who are really strangers to them...being there isn't always an option, the aids are trained to do everything in their power to get people in the shower, oftentimes they stop at asking one time, or they ask in a way that leads the resident toward no such as " you look tired, do you want to take a shower today?" rather then "ok Mrs. Jones, its time to take a shower" the best thing you can do, is make sure the aids are doing everything that they can do, keep checking and keep asking.....and it helps the Aid if a family member is there when the resident says no, it does help to hear it for yourself..In the end, as long as they aren't a danger to themselves, it is in their right to refuse...If your hearing your mother refuse, thats different then it just not getting done..if your loved one is refusing a shower, then the aid can try other ways to get them clean..such as water and soap..or a bed bath, its not as good as a shower, but it gets the job done if theres no other way.

it becomes a very fine line between respecting residents rights...and neglecting their needs..a good aid knows the difference..

sorry, I got on a tangent

goodnight!

[luckiest1]

Clay did stage door last night! Wow, isn't he awesome? Stage door on Christmas Day.

From CH:

Pictures from CLAYMELIA2 at CB from 12-25-08 Stage Door

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v245/ton...a63c7bdb10b.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v245/ton...aacb275af0f.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v245/ton...ddea22ae0af.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v245/ton...d265804e047.jpg

Recap from bbandit31 at the CB:

I'm not great with recaps, but since no one has posted yet, I'll do my best.

I was in SRO so I can't give details on the subtle nuances of Clay's performance.

He kissed the girl on the lips.....sang a short but lovely Amen....blew the circle thingie at the end at the audience.

Today's peasant seat is D101 and it was a guy, an NJU.

It was bitterly cold standing in Shubert Alley aka wind tunnel, but it was worth it.

I got my first picture with Clay!!!!!!!!! EEEEEE!! And he spoke to me. Double EEEEEEE!!!!

We waited for about 15mins.

He wore his wonderful and completely flattering baby blue Carolina hoodie with the words Tar Heel on the hood. (same as the one above). Hair was gorgeous. Sideburns was heavenly. Didn't see what pants he wore...i was focused on that handsome face instead. In fact i was in such a fog, I didn't even realise Jerome was there although I know instinctively he would be. About 30 people at the barricade and he took many pictures.

That's it. See I did say i was crap at recaps. Sorry.

Why am I up at this ungodly hour on Boxing Day, you ask? Becoss son#1 had to be at work by 5:30 am at Best Buy (store opens at 6:00 am for Boxing Day madness sales) and since I was sleeping on the couch so my mom could sleep in my bed, I'm awake. LOL. Happy Boxing Day shopping to those who partake! I might go out.....haven't done so in a few years, but the ex is coming today to visit. Heh.

[aikim]

Good Morning Everyone,

Very tired this morning; had a great but long day yesterday. Went to my sister's in the afternoon and she gave us all DVD's of our family home movies...I had been asking her for years to make us copies so I was thrilled. It is really nice because my grandparents and great-grandparents are on them and it will be great for my kids to see.

Off later to meet a couple of Clay fans for a visit.

1 Day until Clay is on The Waiting List!

9 Days until The Closing Night of Spamalot!

31 Days until Golfing For Inclusion!

Everyone have a great day!

Kim

[annabear]

Morning FCA ~ Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.

This time next week I'll be in NYC, celebrating the new year with other FCA'ers and Sir Robin!!!

Speaking of Sir Robin... there will be a new Sir Robin bear for the 2009 BC/EFA Broadway Bears fund raiser:

Too CUTE! I'd already started on the tux outfit for my original Sir Robin bear, but haven't had time to get much done on it. Don't know when I will!

Hope everyone has a good Friday!

[claytonic]

I haven't said anything before now but I really must say that I have been quietly in awe of several of you on this board who are direct or indirect carers of an elderly parent with significant medical conditions.

My personal circumstances are such that I have been spared of such a situation so I cannot properly relate. You hear stories of people who abandon their aged parents when the going gets tough. I marvel at your strength and devotion although I know that for people like yourselves, it's what you do for loved-ones, it's life.

[00lsee]

A-DOR-A-BUBBLE...that's all.

TOO CUTE!!!!!

Okay, so that wasn't all, so sue me. I want one!

Happy holidays and all that, y'all.

So, actually, I said I was mad at Barnes and Noble for not getting my shipment here on time, when in fact I should have been mad at Citibank (Visa). In their zeal to prevent unauthorized use of my card, they flagged my account when a couple of large internet purchases were made. Even though the flag was removed right away, this glitch caused my stuff to get held up. I'm curious if it might have helped to call the credit card company next year BEFORE making a large purchase so they automatically approve it instead of thinking some thief has my card. GRRR...so, it was kind of a bummer wrapping so many IOUs this year. Serves me right, I guess, for getting started with my shopping late. But...BUT...if the fraud department hadn't been so quick to be 'helpful', I had plenty of time to get the shipment here on time. Oh well, live and learn. Very annoying, though!

Did I mention the bear was cute? I did? And adorable? Okay, just checking! Love it.

[gbmifan]

Everyone who is taking care of an elder family member I can relate. My mom has good and bad days. She is 87 and loves Clay. I try my darnest to remind her when he may be on TV but her memory at times is not great. She will miss something and then be mad because I did not call her when it started. Sometimes she knows what time something is on but then cannot find the station. It happened for the E show. She could not find the station the night it came on. I could not help her because I do not have cable and also our area is on a different carrier so I had no idea. She found it the next day and told me a couple days later she actually watched it four times. I do not have the cleanliness problem, usually she will bathe herself and wash her hair with no problems. My husband installed railings in her tub so she can get in and out. I know there will be a day that she can not live alone but she loves her freedom to do what she wants, when she wants without people telling her what to do. My dad has been gone for 38 years and she has always been very independant. Got to love her spunk, even though at times it can get frustrating. It is harder for her to be out more and she gets tired easily. The last Clay concert I took her to was Grand Rapids in 2006. That one was easy since my sister lived there and her husband dropped us off at the door and picked us up there also. We were able to spend the night so the travel was not bad. Since then the distance for Sterling Heights and Kalamazoo would of been difficult. When I also took her to the JNT in 2004 my husband drove us, dropped us off, and picked us up afterwards. He went Christmas shopping while we were in the concert.

We had a great time with our boys and their spouses yesterday. My DIL got me a pair of very sassy shoes, my husband just roles his eyes. I have over 100 pairs of shoes. I love them. These have about 4 inch heels, hope I do not trip.

[clayzedover]

HI EVERYBODY!!!!

Smitten, it's so nice to see you here. As some of you already know, I had a stroke in August which caused problems for my left side, and resulted in my living in a rehab facility for a few months. While I did have internet access, it had to be shared, so itt was limited to reading only a few sites and that was frustrating because of all that happened with Clay in the subsequent months. Am home now and starting to catch up. Posting takes more time but am getting back to it.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and that the new year will bring love and happiness and peace.

A home based caregiver for a family member myself, just wanted to add here that I saw first hand how much work and effort is put forth by those who care for the elderly and infirm in a nursing home setting. Sometimes they work extra time on their own despite administrations that place more emphasis on the bottom line than on patient care, and understaffing appears to be the "norm."

My rehab facility shared space with a nursing home dealing with people with a variety of ailments, some of whom had no idea where they were, but they were ambulatory and prone to wandering through the facility. I was always warmed by how well all of these patients were cared for with kindness and concern. It is one tough job and those who do it well should have halos. They are stressed beyond belief, even while doing jobs they WANT to do.

In my conversations with these workers, I learned that showers are a constant problem because they need to be scheduled but many patients do not seem to understand this. One man refused his shower for days despite staff pleading with him, only to tell his family on their monthly visit that he wasn't given a shower in more than a week. Of course, the staff was forced to spend time away from other patients to explain to administrators how such a thing could happen. It is sad and frustrating for workers and probably traumatic for families who cannot handle the care on their own. And that is only one aspect of the care provided.

Am so thankful that people like Smitten actually WANT to do this work and that they were there when I needed them. Fortunately, there was a light at the end of my own personal tunnel and that light made this Christmas special. Hopefully now that I am recieving physical therapy at home, the light will get brighter through the new year...but in the meantime, it sure feels good to post again. And, once I get back on my feet, I plan to volunteer at the facility to help those who took such good care of me.

[annabear]

Welcome back, clayzedover! :thbighug-1: So glad to hear you're home and doing well. It sounds like you've got a great attitude. I hope that will serve you well & bring you continued success with your recovery in the new year.

[ldyjocelyn]

clazedover!!!!!!!

It's so good to see you back! I'm so happy your recovery has gone well -- we missed you!

I think it seems almost all of us are dealing with parents. In my case, my Mom, who is 87 -- and is really in very good shape mentally. It's her physical being that is denying her, and it's truly sad to watch. She used to read voraciously -- now her eyes are too bad. She does do audio books, but "it's not the same." I don't visit her as much as I should (my brother is her main family visitor, as he lives in the same town), but I do try to send her letters and such.

smitten, thanks for the information on caregivers....

By this time tomorrow, I'll be on a plane to NYC! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[cindilu2]

Welcome back, clayzedover!!!! :bighug:I am just thrilled to see you back and posting. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

[jmh123]

Hey, clayzedover, it's great to hear from you, and really interesting to hear your perspective. I'm glad you are doing so much better. It's been a long road!

Smitten, any tips for the reluctant bather/groomer? It's an endless battle getting my mom to allow/cooperate/participate in her grooming. There's no physical reason. It apparently is common with Alzheimer's. Have you had Alzheimer's patients? Did you have ways of getting them to want to be clean? As you say, it used to matter very much. Now my mother is insistent that it does not.

yes, this is another problem that we run into, technically at least in Oregon it goes against residents rights to force them to take a shower, often times its easier to coax some people into the shower, then others...those that are in the beginning of alzheimers and still exercise their free will (which is completely their right) the thing that I can suggest, and I know this may not be possible..is if you can be there on her shower day (if you don't know what day that is, they would know at the nurses station) and try to talk her into it..its not your job, but sometimes its easier for family to get them to do things then the aids who are really strangers to them...being there isn't always an option, the aids are trained to do everything in their power to get people in the shower, oftentimes they stop at asking one time, or they ask in a way that leads the resident toward no such as " you look tired, do you want to take a shower today?" rather then "ok Mrs. Jones, its time to take a shower" the best thing you can do, is make sure the aids are doing everything that they can do, keep checking and keep asking.....and it helps the Aid if a family member is there when the resident says no, it does help to hear it for yourself..In the end, as long as they aren't a danger to themselves, it is in their right to refuse...If your hearing your mother refuse, thats different then it just not getting done..if your loved one is refusing a shower, then the aid can try other ways to get them clean..such as water and soap..or a bed bath, its not as good as a shower, but it gets the job done if theres no other way.

it becomes a very fine line between respecting residents rights...and neglecting their needs..a good aid knows the difference..

sorry, I got on a tangent

goodnight!

Thanks. Good things to know for those with a parent in a nursing home!

I haven't forgotten wandacleo's mom, who was a bit aggressive about bath time.

My mom's still in her own home and has no aide (we hired one earlier this year for just a few hours 3 days a week, but she was very proud of herself when she got the aide to quit after 3 weeks, and she gave me pure living hell every moment of those 3 weeks, and it took months to repair our relationship), so it's just a matter for me of how to figure out how to make her want to be clean. It probably just isn't going to happen. I don't understand it, but at least I know it's not just her. We just muddle through somehow, but I do often feel inadequate. I'm fortunate that there are four of us sharing her care, and that I don't live with her.

[smittenwithclay]

clayzedover Im so glad your back!!

jmh123

a lot of times, refusing to do stuff, is the residents ability to keep some control of their life...anything that they can do, they will do such as not showering, not eating, refusing stuff...

I love being a CNA, Im really close to my grandma, and I feel like I have 40 grandmas and grandpa's...and I think about how I would want my grandma taken care of, and try to treat my residents the same way..the worst part about being a CNA is the staffing, often low staffed I worked 35 days in a row once (of course I got to go see Clay with the money I made so it was worth it lol)

when i go to california Ill be a live in caregiver for a friend and her mom who I met on the OFC, so Im excited.

[gbmifan]

Smittenwithclay - CNA are a godsend. When I am at work and get really bogged down they do so much for me. For awhile they took our aids away from us. We as RN will responsible for everything including all am care, meds, treatments, charting, working with the Doctors and more. It was really hard to get everything done. I am so appreciative when our CNA come up and ask if they can do anything for me. Sometimes when I have three babies crying at once to be fed, just to have that extra hand is great. Our CNA roles have increased so much over the years. They do so much in a days time.

[00lsee]

My mom's still in her own home and has no aide (we hired one earlier this year for just a few hours 3 days a week, but she was very proud of herself when she got the aide to quit after 3 weeks, and she gave me pure living hell every moment of those 3 weeks, and it took months to repair our relationship), so it's just a matter for me of how to figure out how to make her want to be clean. It probably just isn't going to happen. I don't understand it, but at least I know it's not just her. We just muddle through somehow, but I do often feel inadequate. I'm fortunate that there are four of us sharing her care, and that I don't live with her.

Actually, maybe not. It may be more a matter of you figuring out how to let go of wanting to make her want to be clean.

See the difference?

((((HUGS))))

[jmh123]

Yeah, I get that the wanting isn't going to happen, it's just a fantasy. It is difficult to understand people with dementia, and they can be difficult to take care of.

[muskifest]

That freakin' bear is freakin' adorable.....(enter cynical Muski now) and soon to be in the hands of one or two predictable Clay fans to join other memorabilia of adorable-ness. Now see....instead of auctioning one bear off to the high rollers, I'd like to see them being mass produced for purchase at a reasonable price for those of us who don't have $20,000 or so hanging around with which to purchase a stuffed animal. I'd probably buy a few and give them to kids I know as presents. Proceeds could still go to charity and more people would be able to feel part of it all. JMO...

So..day after Christmas. Movie day, traditionally in my family. Hubby and I are debating over seeing Benjamin Button, Milk or Frost & Nixon...any recommendations?

[smittenwithclay]

So..day after Christmas. Movie day, traditionally in my family. Hubby and I are debating over seeing Benjamin Button

for us to, only were renting..so if anyone has seen anything good lately

[preden]

A-DOR-A-BUBBLE...that's all.

TOO CUTE!!!!!

Okay, so that wasn't all, so sue me. I want one!

Happy holidays and all that, y'all.

So, actually, I said I was mad at Barnes and Noble for not getting my shipment here on time, when in fact I should have been mad at Citibank (Visa). In their zeal to prevent unauthorized use of my card, they flagged my account when a couple of large internet purchases were made. Even though the flag was removed right away, this glitch caused my stuff to get held up. I'm curious if it might have helped to call the credit card company next year BEFORE making a large purchase so they automatically approve it instead of thinking some thief has my card. GRRR...so, it was kind of a bummer wrapping so many IOUs this year. Serves me right, I guess, for getting started with my shopping late. But...BUT...if the fraud department hadn't been so quick to be 'helpful', I had plenty of time to get the shipment here on time. Oh well, live and learn. Very annoying, though!

Did I mention the bear was cute? I did? And adorable? Okay, just checking! Love it.

So Cute!!! Can't wait to see the real Sir Robin in NYC in six days with clayfriends!! Hope you all had a good christmas!

[Couch Tomato]

Clayzedover...it's sooo good to see youand am thrilled about your recovery. Thank you for sharing with us.

With my mom I notice she tends to be more "helpless" for lack of a better word around me. I know she can get out of bed and get her walker for instance cuz she does it in the middle of the night when I'm asleep. But when I'm there it's like she needs my help. So I have to be careful. I just tease and say.you know you can do it. And although she doesn't have a speech problems I have noticed that sometimes she has trouble finding the right word so I need to talk to doctors abot that. Last night she wanted me to put her medicine in the cabinet but she called it a closet. Oh, and the other morning she told me to get her coat off the settee. I'm like,THE WHAT? She has never used that word before, ever. Maybe they used it when she was growing up or something.

I like your idea Muski. I don't begrudge folks having money but I think Clay Nation would respond and more money could be raised even if something was slightly out of reach..like $50 or something. I'd buy one for the cause. But I guess when it comes to fundraising= it take no work to just offer one special thing and the one thing you want to cut out is a lot of overhead.

Anybody hitting the stores... I need a few warm things for NYC so hope I can catch some sales later today. It will be the first time I've hit the store this season!

[Gibby]

Clayzedover, I'm thrilled that you're back home, and posting again! Welcome back!!!

Couchie, word-finding problems are common after certain types of strokes. Is your Mom getting physical therapy through a homecare agency? If so, she can also get speech therapy to help with the word-finding issues. You can call her doctor's office to ask them to order it. Good luck!

Smitten, it's great that you've found a profession that means so much to you! I work in a hospital, and the CNA's are invaluable. I worked as a CNA during high school, and it was hard work, but very rewarding.

So, it's the day after Christmas, and time to start cleaning up the house a little bit. There are still presents strewn around the house, and a few errands to run today. Everyone here seems to be pretty happy with their gifts!

[liney23]

Clayzedover... Welcome back!and glad you're home again and getting better!!!

Couchie... good luck on your shopping! You'll need it... Sears has great sales this time of year, if you have one near you.

It may sound funny/weird, but I feel very fortunate that my parents both died of cancer when they were 57 and 64 and I'm not faced with elder care. Especially since it would have been duty, not love, to care for them.

I have immense respect for those who are being caregivers of persons of any age!!!

muski... I agree that many bears would be fun, cause I'd get one in a snap!

Finishing up Christmas tonight with my daughters... thank goodness... the temptations food-wise have been difficult and I haven't even gotten on the scales cause I know I've eaten too much and I worked so hard to get those numbers to go down and I don't want to see them up where they used to be. I'm waiting a week before weighing to give myself a chance to not be overly depressed.

[annabear]

As far as bears go, there may be a chance that someone might be able make some possibly for some people to purchase to maybe benefit a certain good cause....

Finishing up Christmas tonight with my daughters... thank goodness... the temptations food-wise have been difficult and I haven't even gotten on the scales cause I know I've eaten too much and I worked so hard to get those numbers to go down and I don't want to see them up where they used to be. I'm waiting a week before weighing to give myself a chance to not be overly depressed.

I know (verra verra well, unfortunately... ) that it's easier said than done, but don't be too hard on yourself for indulging over the holidays. It's making sure we get back on the right track soon (and most definitely NOT the Clay Aiken version of the word!! ) afterward that's the key!

By this time tomorrow, I'll be on a plane to NYC! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Have FUN!!! <- as if I need to say that! Be sure to let this CUTE guy know that there'll be some more cra... enthusiastic fans there to bid him & his Spamily a fond farewell next week!

ETA: Hi cha cha! Did you have fun Spamming?

[cha cha trusty]

I'm having a hard time catching up!!

HAPPY BOXING DAY EVERYONE!!!

(this is from a couple years ago...)

And I took a bunch of the Christmas Pix from the past day or two and posted them here:

HAPPY BOXING DAY!

AND A BELATED

MERRY CHRISTMAS CLAYNATION!

I have been very busy and still have a housefull of company (the kids and spouses)

and I want to do a recap of my trip to Spamalot and share some pix, it will have to wait till later!

Love you all!!!